meoww Posted January 8, 2016 Author Share Posted January 8, 2016 I guess these count as resolutions: Determine once and for all who my biological father is, (if possible lol) Get a more specific diagnosis (if necessary lol what am I saying) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meoww Posted January 9, 2016 Author Share Posted January 9, 2016 If there's one thing I could tell my younger self it would be that there's nothing redeemable about being an abuse survivor. It has been nothing but a nightmare. It's just the biggest, stupidest waste of time in the world. Every a-hole that guilt tripped me or made me feel bad about myself can seriously go to hell. Thanks for wasting my time and ruining my life and getting away with it. Getting rewarded by life for it. Good for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meoww Posted January 9, 2016 Author Share Posted January 9, 2016 2012-2015 Worked through denial, anxiety, fear, anger and bunch of other emotions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meoww Posted January 9, 2016 Author Share Posted January 9, 2016 I don't recognize myself and it'd only been 4 years. Wow. I thought that was too long but it's really not. Coming full circle and realizing the hurt and pain I felt was real. I was betrayed by everyone, I haven't met anyone with empathy in the crappy stream of my life, people only want to play weird power games with me. I will never be in that stream again. It wasn't a matter of will power, or positive thinking, or working on my flaws. The whole thing was just a gross mess. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meoww Posted January 9, 2016 Author Share Posted January 9, 2016 I was unhappy for real reasons. Biology plays a very small part in it. Done with this journal for good. This was the safe place I created to heal. I did. Now I don't have anywhere to hide. I'm always vulnerable. I can't change that. This isn't the happy ending I was so certain this would have. I should have realized that was the problem. I have to accept that everything had to change in order for me to survive abuse. There's no going back. This is so different to what I would have written less than 6 months ago. More things I would have told myself: There is no safe place. The illusion of support is FAR worse than being alone. Being alone means making your own choices Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meoww Posted January 9, 2016 Author Share Posted January 9, 2016 Dysfunction isn't comfortable. Delusions and daydreams are not comforting. Being lost in your own world is scary. All the bad stuff, is pointless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meoww Posted January 9, 2016 Author Share Posted January 9, 2016 No lying to myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meoww Posted January 9, 2016 Author Share Posted January 9, 2016 More gross realizations, like seeing how my mother's enablers are just bitter old people. No wonder they enjoyed bullying me and giving me bad advice. No wonder So many horrible people out there if you're not careful. Ugh I didn't even see it, because I'm SO naive. Ugh I just want to cry. How did I not see right through it?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meoww Posted January 9, 2016 Author Share Posted January 9, 2016 Oh my god it's so sick. Nothing worse than older women who want to bring the younger ones down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meoww Posted January 10, 2016 Author Share Posted January 10, 2016 I thought I had this huge abstract conundrum, when reality I was neglected. I keep reading about how much harder it is to adapt as an adult, this can't be true!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meoww Posted January 10, 2016 Author Share Posted January 10, 2016 Almost dissociated when I went out, but the counting/naming exercises helped. Sounds, smells and touch grounds me more effectively than sight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meoww Posted January 10, 2016 Author Share Posted January 10, 2016 I've found that at the very least, I seem to have more time in the day when I dissociate less. Time is moving at a more normal pace again. I feel less disoriented, but I hate this depressed feeling and I'm this close to giving into that floating, pleasant feeling to make it easier. But I have to be strong! Dealing with a multitude of fears but at least they're based in reality. So sad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meoww Posted January 10, 2016 Author Share Posted January 10, 2016 For a long time I avoided interacting with other survivors. Such a valuable resource, as usual I've overlooked the sources of support I needed most. I admire the survivors I've interacted with. It does cut across all socioeconomic lines. It hurts that my own perception was so flawed, yet again. It almost makes me question everything, like how do I deserve this label when the other people seemed to have thrived in spite of it. They're so strong compared to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meoww Posted January 10, 2016 Author Share Posted January 10, 2016 They seem so deserving of the title of survivor. They weren't so needy, they were able to act in their best interests. They were able to see past the deception. They didn't get caught up the games. They made sacrifices and accepted the limitations of their situations. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meoww Posted January 10, 2016 Author Share Posted January 10, 2016 I'm trying to be reasonable. Instead of dissociating, would it help to believe in a higher power? What will help comfort me in a way that isn't self-destructive? Am I allowed to define what is healthy for me, or am I just delusional? I'm going to take some time to define WHAT a coping mechanism really entails. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meoww Posted January 10, 2016 Author Share Posted January 10, 2016 I feel sad for the young woman I was when I started this journey and this journal with such good intentions. I wish I could give her a hug and tell her all the things I know now. I want to be kind to myself in the present. I want to show myself more compassion. I never really identified this as a problem of mine and the reason why I always eventually cycle back into self hatred until a few weeks ago. I hope I learn to love myself and post on here with great news and a totally new lease on life. Bye for meow (it's a pun not just a creepy sound effect.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meoww Posted January 10, 2016 Author Share Posted January 10, 2016 Lightbulb moment: no matter how old I get, no matter what happens if I don't love myself and show myself compassion, I'm always going to be miserable. It just clicked when I was responding to someone else's post. I feel like a loser, like I'm not allowed to love myself. How would I respond to someone self-injuring in this way? It's really sad to see it from an outside perspective. It would be really hard to watch. I just had to put that in here!! Ahh. But really it was important. I love myself as conditionally as my parents did. My love for myself reflects the lack of trust between us, and the criticisms I have internalized to the point that it's the very air I breathe. I haven't loved myself in a stable way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meoww Posted January 10, 2016 Author Share Posted January 10, 2016 When I would have a problem I would have 10 seconds to work out a solution on my own and if that wasn't successful, I would be ignored, neglected, and left alone. This pattern repeated for decades. If it snowballed into something worse, mom would come to the "rescue", temporarily, and if I seemed to be improving, she would start invalidating and treating me badly again so I would feel alone and unstable again. I've never spelled it out quite so clearly before. A calculated withholding of support. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meoww Posted January 10, 2016 Author Share Posted January 10, 2016 I'm going to make an effort to be kind to myself EVERY DAY. Not in some over the top way, but to simply allow myself to exist. In my struggle to define self-love, I thought it was a magic wand for future success, a way to banish all the fears and doubts after so many years of hating myself. I get easily confused between the difference between: positive thinking and fantasy, confidence and narcissism, trying to motivate myself through fear and overcompensating. Now instead of seeing this as pathetic, I'm going to try to have compassion for myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meoww Posted January 26, 2016 Author Share Posted January 26, 2016 The first time I realized I was being abused by my mothers enablers was 4 years ago, and I suffered the most excruciating ruminations from it. It was this all-consuming pain I have never felt before. It is SO NICE to have my mind back again. What a difference, I grow and change within hours now vs completely stagnating in an a injured state. The last 2 weeks have felt like a year. It baffles me to think I was so afraid of being depressed that I couldn't quite go there for years. Everyday is painful, but without ruminations it's a lot easier to bear. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meoww Posted February 4, 2016 Author Share Posted February 4, 2016 I've been playing this unsatisfying karma game, trying to make my good deeds add up to something I could cash out on. But no one cares, I'm the only one playing this silly little game I made up in my head since I was a kid. I don't need to give, I need to get better at taking. I've wasted so many years trying to be helpful and understanding, that sounds bitter but it's nor coming out right. It's like I thought every time you speak, it has to mean something. Like if someone said something to me, I would be careful to let them know I heard them. But it wasn't necessary. I'm annoyed with myself. I don't have to go around helping anyone. Sometimes I can just give support or just talk, it's never going to be satisfying to try to give 1000 percent in every situation. It's taken ridiculously long but now I know, life is for me, I'm an individual, I'm supposed to go out there and do things for me, that's what life is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meoww Posted February 4, 2016 Author Share Posted February 4, 2016 I used to be spread too thin, my social circle consisted of a bunch of totally different kinds of people, for every nonintegrated part of me, with not much overlap. I just couldn't make up my mind about who I was supposed to be. There was a kind of person I wanted to be along. I just didn't want to face the hard work of becoming that person because it would require totally changing everything about myself. Then an ex tried to mold me into someone I didn't want to be. I was stuck, because I didn't know that I was totally out of touch with myself, and had been since I was really young. Always trying to be anyone but who I wanted to be. So much time has gone by, I've realized how in college I was so overwhelmed by not having a close knit community anymore. I didn't know who to look up to, who to follow, I always played this follow the leader game and suddenly I was left to my own devices. Factor in the abuse, my nonexistent self-guiding and self-soothing muscles, and maybe naturally bad instincts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meoww Posted February 4, 2016 Author Share Posted February 4, 2016 I slowed my life way down so I could observe the world around me and figure out where I was supposed to fit in. I even prayed, I tried to act with integrity, to be bold, to listen to my instincts. It's brought me here. The good news, I had to change my situation because I was desperately unhappy, from as early as 7. No one knows. I was the child that focused only on being a well behaved girl and really not having much of a personality beyond that. I lived to be told I was good, that meant that I deserved love. So when I looked in the mirror and was disappointed with what I saw, I just pushed those feelings down, like I always did. I wanted something bigger, so much bigger, so much more beautiful. I used to drink so much milk and eat a lot of food hoping to grow taller, but I didn't. I tried sports, but I wasn't really any good. Everything I tried never clicked, that's exactly what being an adult has been for me too. I know that I'm being way too hard on myself, that things are really not as bad, that I'm kind of being greedy. But it seems like especially girls who are 20ih, the ones in the generation right now, they get all of that. I really wish I could be in college now instead. It's so unfair that I grew up wanting all these things, feeling deprived, and then I miss the cut off by a few years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meoww Posted February 4, 2016 Author Share Posted February 4, 2016 I thought I could get out of limbo land, but my problem isn't really with my mindset. There is a huge mismatch between what I want, who I am, my abilities, my home life, the way I perceive doesn't faciliate much momentum forward, I've been spinning my wheels since I was born, not much has changed. It's kind like I was living in the garden of eden and I ate the forbidden fruit and now I'm miserable. My fake happiness was a little bit more tolerable. Well actually that's hard to say, it's been such a long time that I don't really remember what it was like. I was always scared, but things didn't hurt so much. Ding, ding, ding. This isn't always true, but for the average person, change is incredibly uncomfortable. I'm getting used to be uncomfortable all the time, being this lost lamb trying to find her flock. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meoww Posted February 4, 2016 Author Share Posted February 4, 2016 Feb. Not dissociated, but in pain. I'd like to move toward being not dissociated, but not in pain. Seems simple, this is such a struggle for me! I did realize though, asking for help is only going to help so much. No one really cares what I'm going through. (Well compared to my neediness) No therapist is going to mother me. No one is going to give me life changing advice. No one is coming to rescue me. Now if only I could take the next step of accepting this instead of pushing it away, getting upset with myself and begging a higher power to intervene. Nothing happens, there have been no miracles. No big changes. Only just my sad life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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