Post-cptsd

[meoww]

Still dissociating probably, I haven't been in therapy recently so I don't have anyone to consult but as a reminder to myself to at least try to snap out of it I accidentally knocked myself in the face a bit with a hammer when I was in the kitchen doing some demo, I'm an idiot, but that's part of how I know I'm numb. For one, I have way less control over my body, and when it hit my face I was like, oh this is pain, and the next day I looked in the mirror and I had a cut on my face. And I just didn't really care.

 

I feel the way I feel after a break up, or after receiving terrible news, just sedate and unable to remember, F---! Seriously what trauma is my brain hiding from me that I go into this mode all the time. Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Maybe this is how most humans are wired.

[meoww]

Thoughts that are hopefully helping me be more stable:

 

1) It's kind of a necessity to have a core self belief that literally no one can break. Seriously I don't know how I even survived for years being so vulnerable. For me, as an abuse survivor, this reality seems especially alien because I've never been allowed to be at peace.

 

How weird and crazy is that!!!! I guess it's not that weird per se because you don't have to experience horrific abuse in order to have weak boundaries, you just have to have weak ties with people and not have anyone you can really trust.

 

2) In a way, freedom is a paradox defined by how you deal with your limitations. Limitations can help me set goals. I used to think absolute freedom was an ideal of sorts for myself, like as obvious as 2+2 equaling 4.

 

I have to admit though it's a creepy feeling to actually feel mature and comfortable in my own skin! It's like, well, it can only go down hill from here right? I'm just going turn into one of those out of touch old people eventually, not by choice but because it will literally be impossible for me to comprehend what it's like to be young!! So scary.

 

I guess that's it.

I wanted SO DESPERATELY to

 

1) most of all, get my mother to stop abusing me, it's like getting an electrical shock every time

2) or just never have been born or at least have the guts to end my life

3) or just not be me. I don't like myself or my life, honestly I really don't.

[meoww]

And that's the main thing apart from all this drama, that I feel weird in my own skin because nothing about my life seems right. I don't connect to the people I grew up with at all, they, well, this is harsh but I'm seriously just being honest here and nowhere else other than my own head, I don't know they seriously seem like older people from a different generation oh I feel so weird saying that. Even Taylor Swift seems like out of touch in a way, not out of touch just not natural, or like, a transitional stage in the evolution of humanity. Yeah clearly I'm a really sophisticated person with my references.

 

It's nice to be free of those thoughts, they were getting me down and fermenting in my head for way, way, too long.

[meoww]

This is total bs but if gender dysphoria is a condition can I seriously have identity dysphoria? I strongly feel and believe my soul got transported into the wrong life and time, the only issue for me is that "transitioning" in my case should be a piece of cake because all it should consist of is changing my lifestyle. But my head is completely blank, I literally can barely decide what to eat in the morning let alone an outfit or what to say.

 

I can't cope with anything, the only thing holding me back is my inability to access that elusive identity.

[meoww]

I even get scared to have opinions these days because I'm like, maybe that's not even really my own thought. Or maybe I'm thinking about it the wrong way, like if I could rent some space in someone else's head I totally would, and maybe I could finally learn what it's like to be human. But then again, I get humor, I get memes, I get all that stuff that's been popular the last few years. So obviously I understand how people think, it's just that I'm incapable of creating that relatable content or context.

 

I really began noticing that when observing kids especially, it's like they are a limited but varied flavors of ice cream but I'm the only one that isn't. Like everything down to the smallest detail is programmed. Yet I don't find that in a lot of gen Y people, they seem just as mismatched, or much worse off in some cases. But even gen x and the boomers fit into their flavors so well. I want that for me.

[meoww]

So anyway, if someone wants to change, shouldn't they be able to do it? I would honestly be devastated if it turned out that I can't become someone else because all those environmental factors combined with genetics make it an impossibility.

 

I don't want anything crazy, like to suddenly defy the laws of physics, I just want different thoughts in my head. Not even more positive ones. I know I'm a positive and caring person, but that's not enough.

 

It's hitting me why it's hard to change, because you can't always get inside someone's head and learn all you have to go on, is watching others a lot of the time.

[meoww]

This is what annoys me though. Some people can change who they are so quickly, they are adaptable.

 

I heard some tips about this

 

1. Working hard will get you nowhere that working smart can

2. The method is just as important as identifying the goal

 

So before I start bashing myself I guess I have to change the way I go about trying to achieve my goals.

[meoww]

I actually feel slightly relieved, how can I change what I'm doing now and be more effective?

 

That's a good question because I've been in hyper drive for 4 years trying to observe 100,000s of people around me and the world trying to figure out what type of person enjoys life the way I might want to. Yet, my own life has been stagnant because I hate the fact that I have to live with myself.

[meoww]

Living with myself can be really hard because of the whole identity dysphoria thing and it's a vicious cycle. But I guess just like with any person who has identity issues, you pretty much have no choice but to fix it or be paralyzed for life.

 

But seriously like transgender people who KNOW they are women, what does that even mean to them? I'm a woman and maybe I'm just being paranoid when I say I don't even know what that means?

 

How are they not in a state of limbo, needing to be female but without being raised to identify that way? How would you pick up the infinite subtleties of being female without an organic firsthand experience of having it taught and reinforced to you from the outside world? How does it affect your inner dialog?

 

I seriously don't even get how people can be so successful in developing any kind of identity at all? What the heck is an intuition anyway?

 

What if I do have a handicap? I did consider an autism spectrum disorder at some point, but I don't know that would mean anyone I consider to be 'uncool' to be farther along on the spectrum so I think I'm being way too hard on myself. Which is why I need to put that thought in the trash for good.

 

So I have tried to create and try an identity through method acting in a way, I try to experience some elements of a new persona in a first person point of view, but when it's pure speculation it's exhausting and doesn't always yield the best results.

[meoww]

I have to get out of limbo land

There was a time when this was comfortable, or more like comforting but it's starting to feel like a weird timeless prison.

 

Well one thing is that I need to put myself out there more, it's the only way to learn. I just don't want to make a fool of myself just because I'm literally clueless right now. I'm quite literally about as aware as a 3 or 4 year old right now. Which makes sense given my timeline, being reborn and all that, I sound absolutely insane but it's the honest truth. But I still feel like even a 3 month old baby would still be more human than me at that subtle behavioral and cognitive level.

 

I'm getting better though, I can tell I'm slowly getting better

 

I just don't have the luxury of spending 10 years taking it easy.

Progress is going to have to come a little faster, I need to have higher expectations of my life again.

[meoww]

When you've escaped a cult, reality seems like an unbelievably pleasant dream, so it's hard to get grounded. I just want to get on my feet and feel like I can trust my senses.

 

My previous entry reminds me so much of the movie Inception which a lot of people dismiss, rightfully so, but it's such a good analogy of the way I have been dealing with my reality through escapism.

[meoww]

Paying attention to, and modeling healthy behaviors can be absolutely exhausting. I can't remember the last time I just enjoyed something because there is always something I'm missing and something I need to be focused on.

 

I'm trying to get lots of sleep, get a variety of nutrients in my diet, and paying attention/partly being grounded and not dissociating is becoming more of a habit, but I just want a vacation from it for even just like 3 days, I'm honestly terrified I'll forget that I'm still in the process of rebuilding myself and stop making progress.

 

Here are the things I need to work smarter on, because like I said I have put in a lot of effort but not always gotten the best results

 

I'm just not good at stuff...or as good as I want to be. I don't want to make a huge list of all the things I need to improve on but I know what they are.

 

So a lot of these particular issues aren't traumatic in nature and I'm not angry about them, for example, my parents didn't speak to me or each other all that much, see no value in entertainment or sports, no desire to have conversation beyond their daily chores and work, and I was an only child. So even though I was normal and surrounded myself with all kinds of people I really feel that never really learned to absorb their influence the way I think kids naturally do. In some ways I'm really rigid, just like my parents. Which I think has confused me because I'm so liberal and open minded.

[meoww]

But why blame me for their increasing isolation and bitterness? Why blame a kid or teenage girl, even on a practical level it literally wouldn't even help them feel any better or change their situation. The social behaviors and habits my parents can't relate to like music, sports or just attending big events to bond with people even if you're not personally that into it, most things that get a lot of hype, reading and especially talking to about people about what they were reading, talking about their memories, social issues, politics, ethics, art or even just their feelings. Over time they seemed to get worse because my mother claims there was a time in my early childhood when they were more social and active, which on some level is true I guess?? Most things that make people happy, like learning new things and taking vacations were dismissed by my parents as showing off while completely missing the point of why people value these things in the first place! Yet my dad once bought himself a really nice car out of the blue. Yet they weren't really that obsessed with my sex life for instance, they really took such a neutral stance on that and I think I have a really healthy view on sexuality because of it. But you would think people like this would be more rigid and strict about stuff like that.

[meoww]

My mother would say with a straight face that she derives her entire happiness from going to and from to work, not interacting with people, or listening to music, or even reading or watching tv, not even sleeping well or eating something good, not laughing or sharing a story, and be seriously convinced that I'm somehow mentally ill or disturbed for wanting any of these things and that I'm somehow a perfectionist or a control freak for expressing my genuine concern for her. For her there is literally no difference between anger, sadness, rage, depression and happiness, it's literally all the same thing. I'm like if you seriously want to tell me this is the definition of happiness, then what the hell is depression? Why is her life the definition of fulfillment and stability but if I wanted friends and hobbies and material success then I needed to be on medication for my anger issues and depression?

 

Seriously all this story is missing is for her to lock me up in an attic, torture me to death and keep my stuffed corpse in her room as a body pillow.

 

Is my mother a sociopath? What is this disorder even called? Is it really just borderline personality disorder or pathological narcissism?

 

1. She's obsessed with this idea that she's above all human desires, almost like a monk.

 

On the flip side, she's not at all religious. She doesn't make any grandiose claims about being spiritual, but believes in her own superiority.

 

2. She's obsessed with the idea that I and my father do not appreciate her, despite me writing her many thank you's since I was a kid, writing up cheesy affirmations and posting them around her house, giving her presents, hosting home spa nights with her, giving her makeovers, encouraging her to get fit with me, listening to her problems, despite the fact that my dad has been at retirement age for decades she will imply that she's a victim of his abandonment.

 

3. She tells people I reject her because we have different taste, completely ignoring the fact that I have friends from all different backgrounds including different religious, ethic, political and socioeconomic backgrounds.

 

4. She will go as far as making self-destructive decisions to make sure no one pressures her into helping me or supporting me financially. For example she tried to make her business unprofitable so she didn't have to pay for my college expenses.

 

Seriously I get the idea of abusing someone else but why sabotage herself in the process? She makes no sense.

 

Help me make sense of this!

If you're familiar with whatever disorder this is please contact me.

[meoww]

Please help me make sense of this. What disorder do you think my mother has? Even if you've come accross this weeks from when I posted it, any input is welcome.

 

Things are about to get weird...

 

1. She's completely consumed by an obsession that she's above all human desires, almost like a monk living in isolation. As a result, she constantly harassed, intimidated and threatened me to live my life the same way. In her mind, there is quite literally nothing worse than wanting to be successful, which she calls being shallow or selfish, and she doesn't express empathy about all the terrible things going on the world that are much worse.

 

On the flip side, she's not at all religious. She doesn't make any grandiose claims about being spiritual, but her entire identity, if you can even call it that, revolves around an obsession with wanting to be an authority figure but also perceived as hard working martyr who somehow doesn't need anything to an extreme degree, that she doesn't really need friends, love, music, memories, food, literally any kind of life outside work save for 2 vacations a year, she will have insomnia for 25 years and seek no treatment, try to get constant sympathy for it, but brag about how fulfilled she is at the same time? Like she'll literally ask people to praise her for working hard and doing her best when she's not trying at all, and no one can ever give her enough validation for it, but it never occurs to her she's never satisfied because she's completely miserable and not trying, which leads to her getting more and more frustrated until she explosively erupts at me, gets me to apologize for whatever reason and then has no clue why the cycle keeps repeating again and again for decades. This is literally what my mother calls her happy life. Imagine someone screaming in your face, "I'm so happy! I'm not yelling! Why are you so depressed?!" while tears are streaming down their face and that's about all you need to know to understand what this woman is like.

 

2. Which brings me to this next point. She's literally obsessed, like 24/7, 365 days of the year, with the idea that I and my father do not appreciate her, despite me writing her many thank you's since I was a kid, writing up cheesy affirmations and posting them around her house, giving her presents, hosting home spa nights with her, giving her makeovers, encouraging her to get fit with me, listening to her problems, despite the fact that my dad has been at retirement age for decades she will imply and rage that she's a victim of his abandonment.

 

3. She tells people I reject her because we have different taste, completely ignoring the fact that I have friends from all different backgrounds including different religious, ethic, political and socioeconomic backgrounds.

 

4. She will go as far as making self-destructive decisions to make sure no one pressures her into helping me or supporting me financially. For example she tried to make her business unprofitable so she didn't have to pay for my college expenses.

 

Seriously I get the idea of abusing someone else but why sabotage herself in the process? She makes no sense.

 

5. She's like an active volcano, in a constant state of rage, even when she's not erupting she's ready to go off at any time and has been like that for as long as I have known her.

 

6. I've never seen her be happy, or even stable for more than a few weeks at a time. She's also a small business owner so she doesn't have to answer to any authority or her conduct.

 

Does this specific issue have a name?

 

She's literally crazier than a anyone I have ever met in my life, but appears relatively harmless especially as she gets older.

 

So if she can control her behavior in public now that she's older is it even a personality disorder? Isn't it obviously a choice at this point?

[meoww]

A surprising number of people describe the process of maturing as a somewhat dramatic transition from living in a state of selfishness or unawareness to being a better person or something.

 

I think it's straight up unconscionable to pretty much imply that the emotional states of young people aren't as real, an argument that literally shifts depending on the context, ie divorce HAS to screw up kids in a big way but dysfunctional peer relationships should be trivialized and swept under the rug.

 

I would find it way more accurate to describe my development at 7, 11, 15, etc as process of building stability for myself, learning to be independent, and have inner confidence not a process of going from evil or selfish to good. What defines my development is that I feel more able to cope and that I've become more open minded in many ways.

 

The reason young relationships fail in many ways have much less to do with age than timing. Marriage or monogamy makes more sense when when you need money for retirement, have kids, are losing your sexual market value, or are becoming less of an potential economic asset, or have simply lived longer and gotten certain things out of your system, it's freaking common sense. I swear it's just one of those mind games people I'm order to confuse their competition, it's like subconscious weird animalistic stuff.

 

Lots of kids demonstrate tremendous empathy and a desire to meaningfully connect with others. So it is a total mystery why people exploit children by characterizing them as somehow uniquely selfish when they as adults exhibit exactly the same dualistic qualities, as social animals who require constant give and take in every interaction, regardless of whether or not we are parents, with an innate need to self preserve? Yes their understanding of consequences and decision making abilities may be somewhat impaired but I wouldn't even go that far seeing the INSANE decisions adults make. War anyone? Ashley Madison? Even mundane stuff like driving too fast or being careless with your health.

 

Gotta love the cycle of life. Where some people are like, I used to think I knew everything until I realized I knew nothing and because of that I've earned the right to tell you what to think and do! Yeah that makes total sense.

Seriously where do some people get off telling anyone under the age of 25 that they are idiots? I thought the best way of coping with this is to just not take it personally but it literally creeps me out watching people regurgitate one size fits all dogma to every situation and call that advice. Why even open your mouth at all, if your idea of advice is to tell someone they are young, it's like yes, they are probably quite aware of their own age now what else can you bring to the table. There's a growing PC backlash (which I understand given the world we in) so I hate use this buzzword but it's dehumanizing at best and emotional abuse at worst.

[meoww]

Heh I'm kind of proud of that rant because calls out the double standards and it puts my frustrations into words so well! Glad to have this journal to reference when I need it.

[meoww]

I'm an expert at multitasking on my phone, tablet, and laptop but not so much when it comes to real life activities. In life I have the self control of a hamster.

 

But who am I kidding? I'm not that bad, even if things couldn't exactly be called good either.

 

Maybe that's another way I've internalized a skewed perception of things, focusing on the wrong things and missing the point.

 

Just listing my current flaws outside of my abusive context because maybe I'm actually able to identify what's actually me these days!

 

In my head, and only in my head,

I've finally chosen to identity as disabled or impaired, because I'm weirdly 'tired' or surface level exhausted even though I know I'm healthy. It's seriously the weirdest feeling because I know I'm not tired, but I choose to do nothing because I don't know what to do with myself! Like the real, not abused me is living a totally different life, and my soul is stuck in this beaten down body.

 

So I'm trying to make the two match up, I guess?? I want to get my reality in line with this person I have in my mind as the real, non abused me. It's been a struggle because maybe my brain was damaged or something, clearly something happened there.

 

Good news:

I've been somewhat comfortable with myself when I ramble about intense things but I used to read into other people talking about their feelings in a way that made me want to distance myself. Obviously I never said or acted any differently toward them but inside I would kind of be creeped out I guess. That's progress.

[meoww]

I was going to make a list of the things I'm grateful for today but there are so many mundane and boring things on that list it wouldn't be very interesting to read. How many times do I need to say how excited I am for the fall time and make lists of all the seasonal activities I want to do and get all misty eyed about life, but on the other hand I'm feeling like I made some major progress identifying the underlying cause of my crippling fatigue.

 

I've felt trapped by my abusive family, my circumstances and now that's evolved into feeling trapped in my own body. I don't know how to explain why I feel so much better instead of continually feeling like I'm failing and not trying hard enough. Why am I trying and trying when it's all okay,I wish I could explain how I've suddenly outsmarted my fatigue,that my fatigue is, in a way, not an illness but a maladaptive coping mechanism. I don't get it because it felt so REAL. Literally there were times when I would slap myself in the face to try to wake up because I was so desperate to wake up.

 

Now I'm like, oh, I don't have to be afraid, I'm always afraid.

Always feeling guilty that I wanted a different life for myself!

Yes, that's it, I felt guilty, I don't need my family in that unhealthy dependent way, I don't need to feel guilty that I don't care about their judgement or whatever it is, that I may in some way barely even care about the abuse as long as I'm happy now.

 

Now I hope I have the courage to walk off into the abyss, psychologically speaking.

Stop tormenting myself

Stop hating myself for what I want.

Stop being afraid that I wasted time so like what's the point I guess

I've told myself it's too late, it's impossible, I've over blown my issues and stretched my reality in ways that only hurt me more.

Can I forgive myself this time?

I keep telling myself, honestly, deep down, that I don't deserve to be forgiven and that I'm not worthy of happiness.

 

I'm afraid to let go of the desire for justice

I want my abuser to be punished for life, when I have no control over it unless I do something to harass them or hurt them in some way.

 

I have to complete those steps in order to let go. It's the stuff that's so played out that I dismissed it as BS:

 

Forgiving myself

Closing the door on the pain

Having faith in the natural justice of life.

 

The third part is the number one thing holding me back

I can't do the other 2 steps without it.

And I'll never know who I really am if I don't.

[meoww]

If I want to know who I really am, I have to move on. I'll never know, imagine how many more years l'll lose, I might die never knowing who I am if I don't close the door. That puts things into perspective, there is so much I don't even know about myself and I can't even imagine about myself until I have made peace.

[meoww]

Chemistry between people is a literal thing, I really like to observe people interact and see how their qualities are brought out, magnified off each other, suppressed, new traits emerging between them.

 

When we avoid certain topics around certain people, that's interesting because it limits the growth or strength of certain ideologies.

 

The decisions we make in a split second when we converse with the people around us shape so much of the way we experience our inner dialogue. It determines what we eventually believe is true or real, a lot of the time too.

 

I used to have this friend I would overshare with and we could talk 8 hours on the phone and sometimes I would feel worse after, not because she was doing anything wrong but maybe because we were bringing out some of our so not so functional qualities together.

 

If I wasn't such an empath, my parents would have been better off and I would have been better off. The reason I think that is that the more I tried to hear them out in my own way, by being like oh peace, love and understanding let's go dance in a field of daisies, the more disgust and anger they felt toward me. My mother tried, eventually, to use my empathy as as evidence to convince her people to bully me because I was supposedly a tortured artist when I'm literally more of an intellectual than anything else if I had to label myself and I don't typically go around telling people my inner thoughts, not even when I'm in an environment when it's safe to do so, like a philosophy class or a tipsy drunk night with a handful of deep people or something, I know a lot of people won't care or understand why I bother to think FOR FUN or simply because I want to know the the truth about things. Her calculated misinterpretation of me, as malicious her intent was, is just a by product of being implanted with the wrong soul in her womb.

 

That's not her fault or my fault, but still doesn't explain the anger she targeted towards me, but chemistry sums it up nicely, some people are JUST LIKE THAT. Period.

[meoww]

I was struggling to express myself there, and I think I said some stuff I didn't mean.

 

I meant that I think a lot of people or many people have a really high social intelligence, they just choose to demonstrate that implicitly rather than explicitly. I admire that so much!!!

 

I really want to be one of those people, or to be able to switch back and forth on command because of course I had to be one of those people who wants to nerd out occasionally and make sure everybody's on the same page, when a lot of people would probably be like, um, why is this girl saying what everyone already knows?? Why can't these analyses just come up in the moment and be dealt with then?

 

Most of my life I haven't felt capable enough to have my opinions without having them be confirmed by someone else. How I made to adulthood is a mystery! How did I get this far not making any decisions for myself?

 

Anyway people are awesome. I really admire people who just ARE so naturally themselves, that don't "dissociate" aka look back on their thought process constantly but still have depth and are just fine the way they are.

 

I'm going to get there! I really, really want to learn to be like that. Two words, Shia Lebouef. Now all he needs to do is make a video about how that's done.

[meoww]

Friendship break ups have serious consequences but sometimes you have to set yourself free from certain situations.

 

This used to be me: I barely remember it but I still recall from time to time when a so

called good friend of mine became weirdly obsessed with the idea of me proving myself as a good woman and nonconformist by very forcefully "encouraging" me to chop off all my hair. Anyone within earshot would get a very hyper and animated mouthful about how much she loved her Emma Watson esque pixie cut and how much of an empowered feminist she felt like or something, but I would get the creepiest feeling around her when people we would pass by on the street would initially glance over at me, like she was silently outraged that anyone would dare to notice me first. That's when the suggestions started, "I just know you would be so much happier if you just cut it," and all the guilt trips about how I wasn't a real feminist and eventually months later I caved, in order to show her and myself I was an authentic person who was good enough. While it didn't look that horrible, i'd been obviously dethroned of my former femininity and the natural order of things was restored, with the attention going to how she could rock any look because she had such delicate and feminine fairy like features. And to top it off the minute I cut my hair she began telling everyone she was actually growing her hair out. How fake!!! I think I put up with her in part because I was too scared to stop being friends with her, it's like breaking up with someone, there are serious consequences.

 

Once I even tried to ask her to share the spotlight, that even a mutual friend of ours also felt like we weren't always included and she responded that we couldn't possibly understand her because she was an actress and performer at her core, that it was nothing personal. Obviously that wasn't even close to the point! For her, as long as she didn't mean to hurt us then anything was fair game. Then for daring to have voiced our feelings she punished us for weeks after that by leaving us out of any party or group thing she was going to. She would always leverage her social circle against us if we did anything that was even a bit out of line. So we we remained such "good" friends who never fought for quite a few long and weird years.

 

I was seriously friends with her!! I would never put those uncomfortable feelings to words until they bubbled up and even then I don't think I was fully cognizant of how badly I was being treated. It definitely gave me a more negative outlook on humanity in general because these days while I know the world has many problems, I don't feel like its so personally directed at me, or I guess I feel less afraid about the negative aspects of life.

 

Recalling this uncomfortable memory makes me feel like a moth to a flame, I almost miss her, I miss being treated like Hitler's right hand man. I think some people call this inverted narcissism. I know it's sick but I almost miss how miserable and trapped it made me feel. The pain almost feels good. Maybe in a way because I knew what to expect from her, maybe it was just habit.

 

I think I told this story before, probably more than once lol and it used to be so fresh in my mind and now I barely remember what her voice sounds like, but I definitely haven't forgotten.

 

Maybe I wish I could go through it all again because this time I just wouldn't care! I would know that she was the problem for sure and that I didn't have to feel like something was wrong with me.

[meoww]

Where feminism failed me:

 

I think the way certain people in my life INTERPRETED feminism hurt me a lot, and made me very confused about what was I was allowed to like, how I could dress, what career choices I could make.

 

Sometimes I want to be traditional and sometimes I don't.

I remember back when that wasn't considered okay by many people I knew.

 

I just wanted to be friends with all kinds of people, regardless of how they perform their gender identity. I don't see how that should limit if narrow down your friendships because it's not like dating or something.

 

I felt like some people and even some authority figures in my life heavily endorsed being around people who are similar in appearance to themselves.

 

Sometimes I like having very feminine friends, less feminine friends, conservative friends, liberal friends. I wish it would have been easier for me to express that I like to be surrounded by all kinds of people.

[meoww]

Today I don't have much to say! Imagine that. It's a pretty damn good feeling.

 

I seriously love fall so much.

 

In terms of the ever evolving healing process, this is what I've noticed.

What's been amazing these past 2-3 weeks is that, I'm getting more alert, more able to react in the moment instead of only becoming aware of situations with her awful enablers like 2 months after the fact and it's too late. Recently, I had to deal with what ppl in the n-abuse community call a flying monkey, in this case geriatric abuse enabler of my mother, and I really did a good job of being calm, direct and mature and I instantly felt the tide shifting in my favor, I know they'll never get to me again.

 

When I can say what I need to say, when I can stand up for myself in the moment, when I'm really careful with my words, when I'm honest, then I'm not trapped within my own thoughts, I don't feel like I'm repeating the same hellish cycle with her few enablers over and over. They trigger me like crazy though so I'm working on making sure i don't spiral into self doubt and self sabotage.

 

I wish people who haven't been n-abused knew what it's like to bow your head constantly not because you're weak but because u literally don't have the words to even think of standing up for yourself, to only be a doormat because it's so deeply ingrained and beaten into you.

 

I know I still have 80% more work to do!! By that I mean that I have to learn to open up again, post trauma, in a new way. And how to deal with so many feelings without dulling them, or making them too intense, trying to simplify them. I can imagine a day when being healthy will come very naturally to me.