I Need Help Quieting Those "Negative Voices" About A First Date

[LKDag]

I went through a tough break-up (my first) a few months ago. It took a little while, but I was able to sort through everything and feel fully moved on. I gathered my courage and asked a coworker (we work at a clothing store) out on a date, and lo and behold, she said yes.

 

I should be super excited, and I am. At the same time, those nagging voices in the back of my head are bringing me down (I'm pretty shy and have social anxiety- which made it really hard to ask her in the first place!- and even though I really try not to show it much to others, a really low sense of self-esteem in general). When I'm feeling confident, I'm more happy than I've been in months. When I start overthinking and letting my "paranoia" dictate the situation to me, I get bummed out and feel even worse about myself.

 

I get down because most of the time when I see her, it's like I'm just some other random person that works at the store- a hello, maybe a smile, some casual conversation. No real acknowledgement that I asked her out and that we're gonna go on a date in a few days. At the same time, I realize it wouldn't be proper to "flaunt" that we're going to go out around coworkers, and I'm the same way with her- keeping it professional- so I completely get that.

 

She's a real sweetheart, so when I'm feeling more down about things, I feel like she's not really interested, but just said yes because she felt like she was put "on the spot" when I asked her out. Then, when I'm feeling more confident, I'll remind myself that she could have always said no, and made up an obvious response ("I'm already seeing someone"). The fact that she really is so, so beautiful and I'm kind of ho-hum and nerdy does make me feel any better, either. Classic "out of your league" kind of thing going on.

 

She kind of has been dragging her feet about when our date would be. When I first asked her, she actually was taking a few days off to go visit friends out of state, so she told me she'd have to get back to me on the date. When she came back, she didn't bring anything up- and I actually waited a day to see if she would and to not be super annoying and asking the second she was back- but when I asked again the next day, she confirmed a night with me. When I overthink it, I feel like she was hoping I'd forget, but when I'm more confident about her interest in me, I feel like it was just a little misunderstanding (she's also very shy, so maybe she was nervous, or she had other things on her mind, or maybe just wanted to see if I'd take the initiative again).

 

Not everything has been mixed signals. We talk, and I am able to make her smile and laugh. She let me buy her a coffee one morning when we were both going to Starbucks and we were flirting (I guess?) all that day when she tried to give me money for it afterwards that I returned, that she then sneakily returned, that I then sneakily returned to her, and back-and-forth for the rest of the day.

 

What does everyone else think? I think even I realize that I'm letting those bad thoughts sap the happiness I rightfully should be feeling, but I don't know- I just felt like I needed to share (writing it out helped a little) and get other peoples' perspectives.

[mhowe]

Women do t go on pity dates. She is interested. There have been no mixed signals..she was legitimately busy and out of town. Relax.

[Scoe141]

I went through a tough break-up (my first) a few months ago. It took a little while, but I was able to sort through everything and feel fully moved on. I gathered my courage and asked a coworker (we work at a clothing store) out on a date, and lo and behold, she said yes.

 

Congrats! It sounds like you made it past the first hurdle. Which often can be the biggest. Pat yourself on the back for that little victory.

 

I should be super excited, and I am. At the same time, those nagging voices in the back of my head are bringing me down (I'm pretty shy and have social anxiety- which made it really hard to ask her in the first place!-

 

See above. You conquered one of those small battles. Use that to fuel your next hurdle. You said you have social anxiety. What is it? Fear of getting sick? Rejection? Crowds? If you have a sensitive stomach (which a lot of us do, and that's completely normal) pick a place that you know. Think of it as home field advantage. A mall, or promenade with bathrooms may put yourself at ease. Also, it will be public and make her feel at ease too.

 

The fact that she really is so, so beautiful and I'm kind of ho-hum and nerdy does make me feel any better, either. Classic "out of your league" kind of thing going on.

 

Get those thoughts of your head, like yesterday. You got a date with her! Go on that. Be yourself. She said yes, didn't she? She could have said no.

 

When I overthink it, I feel like she was hoping I'd forget, but when I'm more confident about her interest in me, I feel like it was just a little misunderstanding (she's also very shy, so maybe she was nervous, or she had other things on her mind, or maybe just wanted to see if I'd take the initiative again).

 

See above.

 

She let me buy her a coffee one morning when we were both going to Starbucks and we were flirting (I guess?) all that day when she tried to give me money for it afterwards that I returned, that she then sneakily returned, that I then sneakily returned to her, and back-and-forth for the rest of the day.

 

This is called flirting. In dating it's a good thing.

 

What does everyone else think?

 

I think you better get your outfit ready for your date night.

 

Let us know and we can help you pick out something to wear, etc. Chin up, this is great!

[Tinydance]

Well I am truly sorry to hear that you're experiencing anxiety and low self-esteem, that is really tough. But above all I think you have been very brave to ask this girl out and conquer your shyness and anxieties. So you should be very proud of at least that! I think she probably is interested in you or at least is curious to see how the date goes. I would have made something up and said "no" if I wasn't interested and I think most women would too. I think just be yourself on the date because she already knows you and obviously likes you for who you are. I think some beautiful girls like shy guys because they get tired of player guys always trying to hook up with them and of only being liked for their looks. So even if hypothetically she's out of your league looks-wise, you may win her over with your nice personality. Still I think she must be attracted to you because why would she go on a date with someone she'd never even see herself dating? I think just take her somewhere nice on the date and make her laugh as what you have been and be yourself. Try to feel comfortable in your own skin because that's always attractive. Good luck!

[missmarple]

You'll only know for sure after you've been on that date...and, actually, not even then, unless you kiss or something during the date. People accept dates for all sorts of reasons. It does seem like she's interested but, like I said, you never know why someone accepts a date.

Just go on that date, smile, ask her about herself, get to know her better and, if you still like her, ask her out again...and make sure she knows it's a 'date' and not hanging out with a colleague/friend (I've noticed that happening many times around me - people misunderstanding each other's motives).

[pirateking]

You said you were able to make her smile and laugh. Keep doing that on your date. And don't forget to make yourself laugh, too. The date isn't all about her. Both of you should have fun wherever it is you're going. If both of you actually do enjoy each other's company, then this shouldn't be a problem. Keep flirting (and flirting back) with her. Be creative. Keep sneakily returning that money to her, I don't know. Maybe sneakily return even MORE money to her. Or sneakily return less money to her. haha. Build off of the inside jokes and experiences you already have with her.

 

Try to hold her hand or put your arm around her during the date. If you're afraid of stepping over personal boundaries, just say something like, "so... what would you do in the hypothetical situation that somebody were to hold your hand right now." If she responds, "I'd probably hold it,"' then do it. You could even lead up to this question by asking all kinds of ridiculous hypothetical questions, then make your move.

 

At the end of the night, go for a kiss. If you're afraid of stepping over personal boundaries, just verbalize your desire to kiss, "so... what would you do in the hypothetical situation that you, like, really REALLY enjoyed this date and the guy you were with wanted to kiss you." If she responds, "I'd probably kiss back," then do it.

 

You got this, man. Based on what you're telling us, she's at least interested in you. If she isn't, then you at least have a date set up where you can get her interested in you. Keep us posted.

[LKDag]

Women do t go on pity dates. She is interested. There have been no mixed signals..she was legitimately busy and out of town. Relax.

 

I think she probably is interested in you or at least is curious to see how the date goes. I would have made something up and said "no" if I wasn't interested and I think most women would too...Still I think she must be attracted to you because why would she go on a date with someone she'd never even see herself dating?

 

This made me think to myself: if someone I casually knew asked me out, would I say yes just to not make them feel bad? I wouldn't (I wouldn't be mean about it!), so why should I assume that someone else would?

 

Sometimes the most obvious things aren't obvious until they smack you in the head. Thanks.

[LKDag]

Well, we went out and I think it went pretty well. Her plans changed and she wanted to get lunch instead of dinner, but I parlayed that into a second date sometime she she agreed to "dinner" and not "lunch, lol. I was so nervous while I was waiting, but once she got there, I had no trouble engaging her and everything- don't think there was any awkward silence at all. I think I might've talked a little too much, but it was like 65/35 me/her talking. We got sushi and I tried something new after she kind of talked me into it, so that might've gotten me some "points". When we left, I gave her a hug and tried to go for a kiss on the cheek, but I think I missed; she has a lot of hair. She didn't reciprocate the kiss (just the hug) so that worried me a little bit, but not too much really, since she could've not been expecting it, or maybe was still in shock by being kissed in the ear by me, or whatever I kissed.

 

I asked her about plans on New Years Eve/Day, and she was busy for both. Later in the week, I'll ask about the weekend. I don't want to come accross as too pushy, but at the same time, I'm in that strong infatuation stage where I just want to be around her and get down when I'm not, and I obviously would rather be happy than sad- and I realize that is kind of unhealthy, and I've been reading up on ways to stop thinking like that.

 

Again, though, those voices are really getting me down. I'll think to myself, "She just isn't interested in me, that's why she said she isn't around", and then I'll obsess and get myself worked up, and then when I'm calmer, more rational, I'll say, "It's fine, she already had plans, she already went out with me once and agreed in principle to go out with me again, so we can do something some other time, when our schedules are less busy."

 

I think I kind of "preprogrammed" my mind to be irrationally pessimistic when it comes to attracting girls. Like I said, I have self-confidence issues, and I'm kind of shy and socially awkward/inept, so basically going through my teen years, I got basically no attention from girls (or did not pick up on the cues if people were), so I kind of internalized the idea that I shouldn't if I do. I'm constantly thinking to myself that she's not interested, that she's just pitying me or just isn't sure how to say no yet, and basically waiting for the other shoe to drop, because that's how I've always imagined things going vis-a-vis a relationship. At least I'm wise/whatever enough to be able to get a grip after a little bit and realize I'm just projecting those negative situations and that they're probably not likely (as of right now) based on her behavior (gave me her number, went out for lunch, texting after our date). This isn't exactly a psychology forum, but those doubts and worst-case scenarios I get worked up over, they stink. Realizing I'm doing it, that's good at least I guess- when I do, I can talk myself into being more realistic and less negative about myself/my chances.

[missmarple]

It seems like it went well. Ask her out for the second date soon. These days everyone makes plans in advance. I'd say if you want to take her out next weekend, make sure you ask tomorrow or on Wednesday at the latest.

[Tinydance]

OK, that's great, sounds like the date went well and thank you for updating us! I know that you really like this girl a lot, but one suggestion I can make is not fixating too much on whether THIS girl will date you but just trying to practice going on dates and being comfortable and getting your confidence up. I think she may be interested but at this point it's hard to say and it can take time to know these things, as people usually need to get to know each other better in a more romantic setting. I know you know this already, but I would just try to relax for now as much as what you can and just enjoy this for what it is. I don't think there is anything wrong with you and let's just say even if it didn't work out (which it may), it may have nothing to do with you. I've dated people before for a few weeks or a couple of months and either I or them realised we weren't compatible but it was not because there was anything wrong with either of us. I think seeing as you're so shy and anxious, just going on dates is a really good way to build your self-confidence.

[SoulTaker]

For the most part, things appear to be positive. But, there are a few items of interest.

 

1 - At work, what is the authority level for both of you? Is she under you, or has to rely on you for any input, or to do her job? Do you feel that she might have said "yes" in order to keep a positive work environment?

 

2 - You state that you're shy, yet you spent 65% of the time doing the talking. Does this mean that she's even more shy, or is she not interacting more for another reason?

 

3 - What does your instincts tell you? Women will make it clear if they want to keep dating. When she couldn't make the New Year's eve/day date, how did she react? Did she suggest an alternate date?

[LKDag]

1- We both have the same position. I have more "seniority", but in the context of the job, that doesn't mean anything other than maybe I'm making more money. We work together often, but not all the time, since I pretty much only work mornings, while she does both mornings and afternoons. I don't think she agreed to go out to "keep workplace harmony", but if that was her intent, wouldn't a polite no ("I'm already seeing someone" or something) accomplish that better, as opposed to actually going out, me/her feeling closer to the other, and then yanking the rug out?

 

2- She's also very shy, maybe even more so than I am, so me being the more talkative one didn't strike me as something to be worried about (being shy was actually something we were talking about). Beforehand, I was worried that there'd be awkward silences and stuff, so I had like a mental list of things to talk about (which, ironically, I barely used since most of our lunch conversation was organic and just happened). I guess I just came into the date resolved not to let there be any awkward silence, so I kind of did a little extra talking to cover for when it seemed like the topic was dying down. It's not like I talked and she gave one word responses, or didn't seem to care, or whatever else. She was engaged, she laughed, she asked questions, she guided the conversation too, etc.

 

3- When we were getting into our cars after work, I asked if she had plans for New Year's Eve, she said yes. I asked on New Years Day, she said she was working. I pulled a double shift, so I'll be honest, I was a little checked out mentally and I definitely handled it the worst way by basically saying "Alright, that didn't work then, some other time" and went to my car (a few spots over) without engaging more. I was also a little disappointed, too, obviously. I should've asked about her weekend availability right then and there. I'm going to text her about the weekend, but I feel a little like I'm being too pushy. At the end of the day, though, I'd rather come accross as too pushy than too wishy-washy and lose this opportunity as a result. She did agree to go out in the first place and wasn't dishonest or shady about it (when I think she could've been), so I don't think she is being dishonest or shady or anything about being willing to go on a second date.

 

Like I've mentioned, since we're coworkers, and discussing this kind of relationship stuff (a) at work when we should be working and (b) in front of other people isn't necessarily professional or whatever, it kind of messed with my already semi-screwed up ability to pick up and understand the signals she's sending. Keeping a little bit of distance, I can read that as both non-interest, or as being professional, keeping work and private life separate, you know what I mean? In the past, moments that I initially interpreted as waning/non-interest (not getting back to me initially on a time for our first date) turned out to be her just being professional (giving me her number and telling me to call her only after her shift ended). For what it's worth, my sister knows her from mutual friends, or school, or something, and says she's a genuinely nice, honest person, so if she's saying yes to X, Y, and Z, she probably isn't just blowing hot air.

[SoulTaker]

From your update, your situation is a bit more complex than others. This is about "interest level", which is difficult due to:

 

1 - You directly asked her for a date. This is the right approach for online dating, but can be an issue with a co-worker.

 

2 - She's a co-worker, which can make it difficult to read her (as you've noted).

 

3 - She is shy (introvert).

 

You'll just have to keep treading onward, while not imposing yourself. Let her proceed at her own pace, but find a way to read her level of interest in you.

 

You've done a good job in being more out-going, and putting some life into things.

[LKDag]

I'm just going to outright ask her if she's actually interested or if I'm just wasting my time, annoying her, and looking like a fool (in nicer words, of course).

 

I've tried a few times to schedule a second date with her, and it never is a good time. Work has been hectic lately (for both of us), so I totally get that, and she has/had family visiting for the holidays, but I know she's also been going out on nights off with friends, so that kind of makes me think she really just isn't interested. Not that my social calendar is completely full (the opposite, really), but if it was, I know I'd drop just about anything, at any point, to free up time to go out with her. I feel like that sentiment is kinda one-sided here.

 

It's just weird because she told a friend/coworker we went out (who later told me she said she had a good time). We've been texting (I do seem to always start the conversations, though she never ignores them). I've bought her breakfast/lunch another time or two, and while she was a little resistant that I do it, she wasn't that much resistant (as in she said not to, but let me anyway). All those things, to varying degrees, they're all good signs in theory, so I don't know. I don't think she's playing games, like maliciously or anything, but I feel like I'm getting too attached to her and don't want to keep investing in this if it's going to end with me getting the rug pulled out from under me.

 

Is that a good, to just outright ask like that? I don't want to torpedo what I have going here, but I don't know how much longer I can deal with the wishy-washiness.

[missmarple]

I agree that you should ask. If she's interested, she'll tell you. Anything less than 'yes, I'm interested' means she's not and you're wasting your time.

[LKDag]

On second thought, I'm not going to. I was surfing some other dating advice pages, and they pretty much all universally agreed that blatantly asking how interested she is is more or less one of the worst things you can do. It comes off as needy, lacking confidence, and desperate (which I guess I am all three, lol).

 

She told me, because of the stuff she has going on, that she probably won't have too much time for another week or two. It kind of makes me nervous that the attraction that does exist will disappear if I kind of fade into the background (maybe an occasional text, no inquiries about going out) for that period of time, but if her level of interest is that low, I guess I never really stood much of a chance, eh?

 

Bleh, I hate this.

[SoulTaker]

On second thought, I'm not going to. I was surfing some other dating advice pages, and they pretty much all universally agreed that blatantly asking how interested she is is more or less one of the worst things you can do. It comes off as needy, lacking confidence, and desperate (which I guess I am all three, lol).

 

She told me, because of the stuff she has going on, that she probably won't have too much time for another week or two. It kind of makes me nervous that the attraction that does exist will disappear if I kind of fade into the background (maybe an occasional text, no inquiries about going out) for that period of time, but if her level of interest is that low, I guess I never really stood much of a chance, eh?

 

Yes, this is in line with my earlier update. Don't force yourself on her. She's knows you're interested in her. The best thing for you to do at this point is to move on and date others. This will show her that you're not waiting on her, and can do fine without her.

 

If you see her at work, then say "hello" with a smile, and move on. If she has interest in you, she'll get back to you.

[missmarple]

blatantly asking how interested she is is more or less one of the worst things you can do. It comes off as needy, lacking confidence, and desperate (which I guess I am all three, lol).

 

I've never thought of a guy as needy if he asked me if I'm interested in dating him. Needy to me is someone who keeps asking me out when I've told him I'm not interested or I'm too busy or any other excuse. I am a firm believer in 'clearing the air' so to speak...and I have asked guys that question myself as I hate not knowing where I stand. However, each to their own

[SoulTaker]

I've never thought of a guy as needy if he asked me if I'm interested in dating him. Needy to me is someone who keeps asking me out when I've told him I'm not interested or I'm too busy or any other excuse. I am a firm believer in 'clearing the air' so to speak...and I have asked guys that question myself as I hate not knowing where I stand. However, each to their own

 

MM, we're talking about only a 2nd date. He did asked her out multiple times, and she came up with excuses, but she had no problem going out with her friends during that time.

 

If she was truly interested, then she would have immediately came up with a makeup date invite, after cancelling out.

[LKDag]

I'm not sure if this is "making excuses" for her, but the people she was/is spending time with are people she doesn't get to see often. In my first post, I mentioned she was going out of town to visit people; now they're here visiting her. I asked about New Years Eve/New Years, and she already had plans with them (admittedly, it was like two days before, so that was probably my own mistake, thinking people don't make plans well ahead of time). I asked about a Sunday night, she had plans with them and mentioned she was trying to coordinate her days/nights off with them until they left town.

 

If it was just any old person she could see anytime, that'd be one thing, but since it's people she doesn't get to see too often, I feel like I shouldn't take it as hard. I mean, if I was Brad Pitt or someone, I'm sure she'd find time regardless, but I can understand if she wants to spend her limited nights/weekends with them for the time being. It doesn't necessarily mean she's uninterested, but that right now isn't the best time. We know each other, but only casually, and only have gone out once, so I shouldn't feel like her schedule should revolve around me.

 

Sometimes I'll get myself worked up. I think I can maintain close-but-far-enough distance for a week or two and not have a clear-cut definitive answer until I ask again. If she's wishy-washy and has excuses then, I'll obviously have my answer.

[mhowe]

I think your latest mindset makes sense. She shouldn't be "jumping at the chance" for a 2nd date when she has out of town visitors whom she rarely sees. And she appears to be interested...just busy. And she also doesn't appear to be playing games...she is very clear about her schedule.

 

It would behoove you to fill your life with some other activities.

[WithLove]

It's the holidays. I'm not sure where you are, but here, kids aren't even back in school yet. So lots of families and friends are still out on vacation.

 

Relax. the attraction won't fade if she wants to go out again with you. Irritation will grow, though, if you keep asking her when she's free. She'll get to you when her company leaves.

[missmarple]

I'll be waiting for an update on this as I believe that if you really want to see someone, you make time and if you can't, you offer a different day/time when you're free. I'll be glad to see I'm wrong, though

[LKDag]

Well, I feel like a fool.

 

I've mostly just been playing it cool, keeping in contact and trying to be flirty but avoiding outright asking when she wanted to do anything. She seemed to be going along with it, always getting back to me and stuff, so I thought that was good. Her birthday is coming up, so I've been trying to find out what she wanted and we've been playful about that. I didn't talk to her today and out of the blue, she sent me a text basically saying that she isn't interested in dating anyone right now and hopes we can still be friends and that whole schpiel.

 

This is 50% me venting and 50% me just not understanding, but...We weren't exactly friends or anything (casual acquaintances) when I asked her out, so I thought my intentions were kind of clear- I asked if she wanted to go out with me, she did go out with me, gave me her number, all that. I think it went well (and she did agree to a second date that I guess we'll never go on now), but I wish she would've let me know then that that was it. I don't feel "strung along" necessarily, but I do feel dumb. Not that I would've been a jerk to her or anything, but I've bought her breakfast...I've done extra work at work so that she wouldn't have to...I've taken extra shifts and kinda exausted myself at work a few times just so I could be there with her...She came in sick one day as my shift was ending, and I rushed home to make her soup and brought it to her (which she apparently did eat)! Luckily, she told me this now and not later in the week, because I was going to send her flowers on her birthday (I already bought a $10 stuffed animal and a gift card, but it's somewhere I can use the gift card, so that isn't exactly a waste or anything).

 

Should I respond to her text? I don't know if I even should, or what to say. I guess I can't avoid her at work, but given our differing shifts, I can definitely avoid her for a while (lol). I meant, there's nothing I can do, so it's not like I'm going to argue with her or anything dumb like that, but doesn't it make me look like an even bigger idiot by responding and being like "It's OK". And, I can't "be friends". We didn't have anything, but obviously I think of her as more than just another person I've met, so I'm not putting myself in one of those unrequited love situations.

[missmarple]

I'm sorry but your story reinforces my belief that people should communicate with others more openly. If you had asked her (like you were thinking of doing) if she was interested in DATING you 2 weeks ago, she would have had to come clean back then..and it would have saved you time...and money

 

Anyway, now what's done is done. If I were you, I would respond to her text with something like 'Thank you for letting me know ' and leave it at that.