The Breakup Process? Before and After.

[Scoe141]

I'm sure a lot of us have been here.

 

You're in a relationship where something just doesn't feeling right. A part of you knows something is going on, yet your significant other tells you something, or acts a certain way to give you hope. That hope is what's driving you forward, even though reality is pulling you back. What do you listen to? How do you tell the difference between discernment and hope? Which is reality?

 

Over the next several days, weeks or months I'm going to try and chronicle the events and feelings of my current relationship. I hope that the writing will be therapeutic and help others who are in a similar situation.

 

I'll be writing about Jane, a small town girl who I've come to know and love over the past several months. Lately her schedule of working two jobs, coupled with family problems have begun to take a toll on our relationship. She works 2 jobs, sometimes 7 days a week. She's also going through some family issues that is causing her to stress.

Jane has told me that she loves me, wants to be in this relationship, but unfortunately her actions are telling a different tale.

[Scoe141]

Scoe, you've known here for three months how do you know that you love her?

 

I feel there are two types of love when it comes to relationships. Being in love and loving another person. I love Jane, which I feel could progress if things were to straighten out in our relationship. Only time will tell that though.

 

When I first met Jane, I thought she was amazing. We had so much in common, got along great, had chemistry, both were low key, she was funny, sincere, affection, understanding, thoughtful, nurturing, honest and we just meshed so well.

 

Over the past month I've seen a side of her that I feel might be influenced by life events that are currently out of her hands. She's become distant, brash, stressed, always complaining and negative. The side that I saw when we first began dating has slowly faded away. She's said its because of her jobs, schedule and family.

 

I've been super understanding, supportive and have honored her space. (The last couple of weeks, there have been days where we didn't speak for two days straight.) I've never seen that in a relationship before. It's been bothering me and has begun to take a toll. I have asked her about it, and she's proclaimed that her schedule and stress precludes her from being all "lovey dovey", with me. Since she's en introvert I believe she needs her space, and lots of it. But two days? She's never given me a reason not to trust her, so I don't think she's seeing anyone else. There are days when she texts me sweet things, but it's rare.

 

How do you weigh the old ways and the new ways? Is the "new" just temporary? Will the "old" come back? What if Jane landed one job, moved out on her own and was able to have a better schedule? Do I hang onto that "hope" of things new again? Or do I take her signs that perhaps she can't handle a relationship right now? I am a loyal person and natural caregiver, so I feel like I can't give up on her. I do want to be supportive of her during this time.

 

We don't see each other that often. Maybe once a week or two. We talk on the phone just as much. Yet she says she isn't leading me on when I've asked about it. Her actions indicate she can't handle a relationship right now. Canceling plans last minute and going home because she's tired or doesn't feel well. (We end up talking on the phone when she gets home.) We don't text as often and when we do, she often gives short answers. I can tell she's agitated and stressed. I even asked her to do something on New Years and I got a "I don't know" answer. I haven't asked about Christmas yet, even though we agreed to get one another a small gift.

 

My discernment is telling me that it's over. I feel people will make time for others if they want to. I understand every situation is different, but I've noticed a change and I can't figure out why. Is it the stress and schedule in her life? Or are actions slowly telling me it's over? The fact that she says that me she still loves me and wants to continue to be in a relationship with me, is driving my hope.

 

So which do I believe?

[Scoe141]

It's been two days since we last spoke via text. It wasn't anything great either. I asked her how her Monday went and she said it wasn't good and didn't want to talk about it. I tried cheering her up and it failed. So I let her be.

 

It's Thursday afternoon and I've been wondering if I should reach out to her.

 

So far I haven't.

[Scoe141]

I finally spoke to Jane this morning, but it wasn't anything like I intended. It was a simple:

 

"good morning. How are you?"

 

I'm ok and you?

 

I've been better. Was just wondering if everything was alright.

 

No response.

 

Clearly everything is not alright. There has been zero communication in 3 days. I've noticed a progression over the past several weeks. Last week there was two days without communication, this week 3. She's backed out on dates and phone calls as well. Communication has literally gone down the toilet. Are these games or just her life?

 

 

I don't know why she's being so evasive. I feel like this is a trivial pursuit.

[reinventmyself]

did you contact her? or did she reach out to you?

 

. . .I am sorry, but from you other posts it doesn't look good. I know you want to salvage this because you have invested so much into it already.

But what are you getting out of it and what do you think if anything would change? She is showing who she is.

[Scoe141]

did you contact her? or did she reach out to you?

 

. . .I am sorry, but from you other posts it doesn't look good. I know you want to salvage this because you have invested so much into it already.

But what are you getting out of it and what do you think if anything would change? She is showing who she is.

 

Thanks for your post.

 

Yes, I was the one who contacted her this morning. Since I didn't hear from her during the week, I thought I would take the initiative.

 

That being said, I'm thinking about not reaching out to her at all until things get better. Ya know catfeeders signature, "Try backing off. It seems to be a well kept secret how many wonders occur and problems straighten out when we do nothing but leave someone alone."

 

I'm wondering if that will help. I'm thinking it might be a last ditch effort. At least in the end I can say "Hey, I tried everything. I'm not afraid to fight for things, and certainly don't like throwing in the towel. I know relationships have their ups and downs and I don't want to run when things are tough.

 

As for me and what I'm getting out of this... I can tell you that it's pretty much all stress and worry. I do have hope that when things settle down in her life, or if I back off a bit, then she will come around. Although my gut is telling me that it's over. Hope is telling me that she will come around and things will be like they once were. A small voice somewhere hidden in the back is saying, "You're better than this. You deserve someone who won't play games and is sure about wanting to be in a relationship with you." I really don't ask for much, I just want someone who wants to spend time with me. (Which I think is a given in any relationship.)

 

I'm having a hard time differentiating between the two.

[reinventmyself]

I'm sorry you're going through this

We've all been there and the waiting and unanswered questions wear you down and break you. Practice detaching from her and the outcome. It might help.

Kudos to you for fighting for her but it takes more than one person to make it work.

It's probably best you back off and give her the gift of missing you.

Hang in there!

[Scoe141]

Thank you for the support and advice!

 

She texted me tonight and said everything was not ok. Jane said she was working on it and through it. (Something family related.)

 

I responded, Thanks for sharing. I'm sorry that you have to go through this. (She wasn't specific with what is going on, but I have general ideas from previous conversations.) I also added that if there was anything that I can do, to let me know. And I'd be understanding either way.

 

I'm going to take your advice and work on detaching myself from her life. I won't reach out to her. She knows that I'm here for her.

 

It's up to her how now. Obviously I won't wait around forever, but like you said, it might help the situation. It certainly won't hurt it.

 

To be continued....

[Scoe141]

So that's it. It's over.

 

Things ended between Jane and I last night. The ball started rolling when I asked her about how she felt that we haven't talked that much lately:

 

Spoke via phone: 2 times over the past two weeks

Texted: Monday night and Friday of this week

Spent time with one another: It was two weeks ago this upcoming Sunday, with no plans of getting together next week.

 

I thought I was in the in the right about asking her about how she felt. Well she didn't want to hear about it. She went onto say that there has been a lot of stress in her life. I almost told her that I didn't want to be in a part time relationship. But I held my tongue and wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. She continued to be brash and unpleasant.

 

Later in the night she brought up her family and how she had to run errands for her sisters boyfriend. She wouldn't directly tell me what was going on, but gave me bits and pieces. (Something I felt I was getting a lot of lately.) I understand there are some things that can't be said, but I also feel like you shouldn't bait someone and not expect them to worry or ask questions. Perhaps if things were more certain with us, I would have left it alone. But the uncertainty, lack of communication and constant worrying of our relationship began to take it's toll. So I asked. She got upset, dropped the FU Scoe and that was straw that broke the camels back.

 

I don't fault Jane for acting the way she did. I know I wasn't perfect in our relationship and maybe I should have given her more space. Or perhaps I shouldn't have asked about the errands. In the end it appears that we weren't on the same page. It's terrible that it had to happen before the holidays. But in the end, we had no plans for Christmas, no plans for New Years even though according to her we've been dating for 6 months. (I thought it was 3-4. Since there was a period we weren't exclusive. But that's near here or there.)

 

I've deployed no contact and will call it operation "A Man, a Plan, an Ex Girlfriend Ban."

 

I need to make sure I stick by it.

[notalady]

Best of luck scoe, I think given a little bit of time you'll come to appreciate removing the stress from your life and feel good about your decision to end things. Stress is not enough reason to treat you and talk to you badly.

[Scoe141]

Best of luck scoe, I think given a little bit of time you'll come to appreciate removing the stress from your life and feel good about your decision to end things. Stress is not enough reason to treat you and talk to you badly.

 

Thank you Notalady. I appreciate your support! I've gone back and forth with that. Is stress an excuse to behave like this? Then I think of the times I was stressed and realized it lasted a day or so. This was going on for weeks.

 

It's funny. This morning I woke up and felt sad, hurt. But the pain was a lot better than waking up feeling uncertain.

[notalady]

Stress is, in my opinion, definitely no excuse for behaving badly or negligently in a relationship. It's not an outlet for one's frustrations. Your partner should be communicated with appropriately at a time of stress and they can be supportive, but they should not be made to take on your stress or to suffer the consequences of your stress. If one cannot do at least that, then trust me you are better off walking away now. Life is stressful at times, sh*t happens, if someone proves this early they can't handle it maturely and appropriately this early on in the relationship, what's going to happen 10,20,30 years down the track?

 

Anyway you'll get over it soon enough I think

[Scoe141]

Stress is, in my opinion, definitely no excuse for behaving badly or negligently in a relationship. It's not an outlet for one's frustrations. Your partner should be communicated with appropriately at a time of stress and they can be supportive, but they should not be made to take on your stress or to suffer the consequences of your stress. If one cannot do at least that, then trust me you are better off walking away now. Life is stressful at times, sh*t happens, if someone proves this early they can't handle it maturely and appropriately this early on in the relationship, what's going to happen 10,20,30 years down the track?

 

Anyway you'll get over it soon enough I think

 

Thank you. I agree about the stress. I'm fortunate that I saw this now, as opposed to investing more time into the relationship.

 

I've been through worse in my life, so I keep telling myself "this is a walk in the park compared to x, y and z."

 

Being a natural care giver, I wanted to see how Jane was feeling. It breaks my heart thinking she might be upset. I think those are natural feelings/emotions.

 

But no way am I going to break contact.

[Scoe141]

Something I've been struggling with today is the fact I never had a chance to tell Jane why I was felt so insecure at the end of our relationship. I felt insecure about how feelings towards me and our relationship. Here' what I wanted to share with her:

 

Are you happy? And what can I do for us to make you happy?

 

- It never seems like you're in a good mood. You're always complaining about something and seem irritable.

 

- I can never seem to make you happy (ex. Went running I was trying to cheer you up and be goofy and I felt like you didn't want tho hear it) On Monday night I sent you a picture of us and tried to cheer you up. Later you said I went "the wrong avenue" in trying to cheer you up, which is why it didn't work.

 

- I gave you information that I spent weeks on writing and you told me you were going to provide feedback and you never did.

 

- Lately (over the last several weeks) you've appear irritable, brash, (sassy as you put it), sarcastic, negative and always complaining. You seem hot and cold and it's nerve wracking to never know which side I'm going to get that day. You mention sweet things about going Christmas shopping together and this and that then the next day you're cold or brash or sarcastic.

 

- I've tried to be understanding, supportive, sweet and caring and tried to alleviate stress from your, life and I feel it has done absolutely nothing.

 

- When we don't talk for a couple days (especially three days like this past week) That's not normal. We're in a "honeymoon phase" we should be all excited to see one another. I always am, yet I feel like you never seem to be. We used to meet up after you got out of work during the week. That doesn't happen anymore. I understand you're busy but you weren't too busy when we would meet up before. (And your schedule hasn't changed.)

 

- I'm busy too but I always, always find time to text or see you. Texting doesn't take more than 10 seconds to do. A simple sincere text can go a long way.

 

- I get so excited to see you. It's seriously the highlight of my week. Yet so many times you cancel plans because you're tired or have a headache or some other reason. Which I understand, but why do I feel that you're never excited to see me? It feels like a chore for you.

 

- I've woken up sick to my stomach, worrying about this relationship and how you're feeling. The only indication of interest is when you tell me you love me or compliment me. They are rare, and since its so inconsistent, I never know what to think. You say one thing and your actions say something else.

 

Actions > words

 

- I feel like you're a completely different person from when we first met. You were more affection sweet and sincere. You don't seem like the same person at all.

 

- I often feel like you're either pushing me away, don't want to be in this relationship or want a part time relationship.

 

- I feel like I'm walking on eggshells because I don't want to stress you out.

 

Would any of this mattered in the end? Probably not. Based on the history, I probably would have received an excuse. Sure you might be able to explain each of these points I made, but when you look at the totality of them, you really can't explain them as a whole.

 

I feel a person on the outside looking in would say it could be a lost of interest in the relationship. Then why couldn't Jane admit it? She said she wasn't stringing me along, but was she?

 

It can be analyzed all day long. In the end, it wouldn't have mattered. A relationship should be 50/50. Each person should want to be in the relationship. 100% in or 100% out.

 

Clearly I was 100% in and Jane was _____% in.

 

You can fill in the blanks, because I don't have the slightest...

[Ms Darcy]

In a year, Jane will be a distant memory.

[Scoe141]

In a year, Jane will be a distant memory.

 

Thanks Ms. Darcy. About a month ago you replied to one of my threads and said, "She cares for you but her mental energy isn't in the game. I think she's trying to prepare you for the fact that she may withdraw and end things."

 

Good call. I think that was one of the reasons.

[Scoe141]

It's been almost a week since the breakup. I'm trying to erase Jane from my mind and life. I threw out everything she gave me. And I've deleted just about everything I had of her. Overall I think it's been helping. NC is the best way to go, without question.

 

Tonight, while looking through old photos on my computer, I saw a screen shot that I had taken when she told me her birthday. I also saw a picture that I took during our first date...

 

I can't delete them.

 

Why?

 

Am I holding onto something that isn't there?

 

Is hope creeping into a world that doesn't exist?

 

Funny how emotions can play with your mind.