From_Now_On Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 "Darkness called" Darkness called this morning To say that he'd be back At least I'll have had fair warning Before I fade to black When I woke up… The wind blew vicious secrets That nipped and bit my ears The world is closing me in Deep into my fears At noon… Rain beat from the sky Pelting my face with rage I didn't want to ask why Though transfixed I kept my gaze So now… Again the night has found me Again alone I weep The dawn gave way to noon And soon… Soon… It will be night And I am not all right Darkness called again To tell me to run and hide But no matter what he'll find me Sometime we all must die ((I wrote this poem a few months back...but I've done nothing more than just kind of let it sit and rot...for some reason I'm just not happy with it. Is it really as bad as it feels to me...Or is there anyone out there that kind of likes it? Honest replies please, if ya don't like it that's cool. I'm just...really undecided I guess...I suppose it's just not my usual style so I can't really put my finger on what I think about it. Thanks in advance for any comments.)) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swift44 Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 yea i like itespecially the dark setting but maybe if you arent happy with it you can try to modify it to express the "feeling" of it alot stronger you kno , but personally i think it is reaql good Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melrich Posted January 13, 2005 Share Posted January 13, 2005 This is pretty good, i like the theme. I'd change the line "At least I'll have had fair warning" to "At least I've had fair warning" just because it is a better rythm. And i don't like the last line "sometime we all must die" it doesn't rhyme and seems out of context. How about something like "so time I can only bide" Well done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
digital fiction Posted January 13, 2005 Share Posted January 13, 2005 Sis thats so cool! I love it loads! Its very sad yet descriptive. I'm glad I read it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
From_Now_On Posted January 13, 2005 Author Share Posted January 13, 2005 This is pretty good, i like the theme. I'd change the line "At least I'll have had fair warning" to "At least I've had fair warning" just because it is a better rythm. And i don't like the last line "sometime we all must die" it doesn't rhyme and seems out of context. How about something like "so time I can only bide" Well done. Thank you richgabe for your honest oppinion and your suggestions. I see what you are getting at there. Also thanks to swift44 for your suggestion/comment. And of course a big thanks and lots of love to my lil bro. Though I have a feeling I could write the most horrible piece and you'd enthusiastically support it to the death. You're such a sweetheart. Love ya kiddo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GettingOverIt Posted January 13, 2005 Share Posted January 13, 2005 I agree with rich's suggestions, but overall, this is very well written. The foreshadowing of impending 'night' and then the anticipated build up throughout the day... Very dark and your emotions come through clearly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ForAnother Posted January 14, 2005 Share Posted January 14, 2005 The darkness called this morning to say he'd be back again I love that. Its brilliant. The rest ran great, and nice. I enjoyed your transition with the "soon" part. Excellently written, better than your other song you put on here. ForAnother Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unexpectedvictim57 Posted January 17, 2005 Share Posted January 17, 2005 i like......... i like......... like always lol....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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