What does it mean if a guy says he likes you but doesn't act like it

[Anon333]

I already posted something about doomed relationship but it was wordy. Maybe I can get more responses if I put this situation in simpler terms. What does it mean if a guy says he likes you, wants a relationship with you, introduces you to his family, but doesn't show much affection or effort to make me feel wanted or cared for. Doesn't go out of his way to make plans to hang out. Doesn't ask me how my day is or seem affectionate or flirty. Sex maybe once a week at most, doesn't come to my place but just expects me to come over at night. He cuddles with me and texts me goodnight most nights but not always. Every time I bring up feeling distant or having lack of affection it turns him off. What to do?

[milly007]

If he gets turned off by you communicating to him your needs, and he can't give you what you need/want, it just may be that you two are incompatible, unfortunately. He should be willing and wanting to hear you out and make you happy (and vice versa). It sounds like he's being selfish.

[mhowe]

I already posted something about doomed relationship but it was wordy. Maybe I can get more responses if I put this situation in simpler terms. What does it mean if a guy says he likes you, wants a relationship with you, introduces you to his family, but doesn't show much affection or effort to make me feel wanted or cared for. Doesn't go out of his way to make plans to hang out. Doesn't ask me how my day is or seem affectionate or flirty. Sex maybe once a week at most, doesn't come to my place but just expects me to come over at night. He cuddles with me and texts me goodnight most nights but not always. Every time I bring up feeling distant or having lack of affection it turns him off. What to do?

 

Find a better bf...he isn't all that interested.

[SpottiOtti]

This is the same guy from the "am i insecure or is he cold/distant" thread, right?

 

If so, this will be the third thread you've started in which you discuss your continued association with this guy, and in which you voice concerns about the same types of behavior from him. I'm wondering what other advice you're looking for, since you've gotten some good advice in the other two threads.

 

It seems pretty clear that you two are incompatible in the level of commitment and affection you expect from a romantic partner. You've talked to him about it (on more than one occasion, sounds like), and he's called you insecure and told you it "turns him off". It sounds like you have an insecure attachment style and he has either an avoidant or a secure style. I recommend you get yourself a copy of this book:

 

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love Paperback – January 5, 2012

by Amir Levine (Author), Rachel Heller (Author)

 

I read it, and it completely changed the way I approached and viewed relationships. I can't recommend it enough, and I think you could really benefit from it.

[Batya33]

Watch the feet -what he does -not the lips. The question is, why do you tolerate it by continuing to go over to his place and being available despite his not choosing to make plans to go out -your actions are tolerating it even if you complain.

[wondering731]

I already posted something about doomed relationship but it was wordy. Maybe I can get more responses if I put this situation in simpler terms. What does it mean if a guy says he likes you, wants a relationship with you, introduces you to his family, but doesn't show much affection or effort to make me feel wanted or cared for. Doesn't go out of his way to make plans to hang out. Doesn't ask me how my day is or seem affectionate or flirty. Sex maybe once a week at most, doesn't come to my place but just expects me to come over at night. He cuddles with me and texts me goodnight most nights but not always. Every time I bring up feeling distant or having lack of affection it turns him off. What to do?

 

The last sentence of you bringing it up to him and it turning him off implies he's not interested. If someone I liked was upset about me not saying gn every night I would be sure to correct it.

[ParisPaulette]

That one's easy. It means he's using you for something, in this case sex when he can't get it elsewhere. But if he starts getting it somewhere else you are gone for good. That is, of course, assuming he's not so lazy he'll just keep asking you for the occasional roll in the hay since it's just too much trouble to go out and get someone else.

 

Why you put up with it and can't see it I have no idea, but yeah that's what it is. If they say one thing, but their actions say they don't even like you, it's because they are using or going to use you for something be it sex, food, money or a place to stay. Nothing else.

[F63]

Did you do something to him? I'm just asking, because I started to act like him once I decided my GF wasn't worth my time or effort and I decided to dump her.

[Tanzi]

It means he's going through the motions of being in a relationship because it feels good to have a gf but the reality is he isn't feeling enough to warrant putting a great deal of effort in.

 

Regardless of what it means, he isn't satisfying your needs or meeting your expectations so unless you are happy to put up with this for the sake of being in a relationship you need to put him on your "Don't go back there" list.

 

If you think this relationship is doomed (and it certainly doesn't seem to have what it takes to make it last) then why hang on?

[catfeeder]

You get to decide what it means--to you. Does he make you happy? If not, then give him the boot, and whatever anything means to him becomes irrelevant.

[Anon333]

Thanks for responding everyone. I was kinda ready to throw the in the towel so upset the last two days. Little contact from him, but I also have to keep in mind I am not contacting him either. He seems to be receptive to me making plans or wanting to hang out, he just doesn't want to do it himself. Im not sure what it is. Yesterday I invited him to lunch and he made the effort to meet me and I made the effort to enjoy his company and not let the last two days bother me. It worked and we had a good time. I want to work on those things. Im not sure if I can handle this type of person or relationship. He made some comments about not having to try so hard as the beginning because he already has me. I know he takes me for granted to an extent, but he can be very affectionate when I visit him. IDK. This is difficult and I am trying to step back and concentrate on myself and not put so much weight on the relationship. I think he is emotionally not all there and may get scared away easily. Not my ideal partner, but I really care for him and enjoy the time we do have together, when Im not hurt and wondering why he isn't making plans.

[Batya33]

Are you ok with being the main initiator here? He now sees that he doesn't have to put in much effort to see you. Think about this as a forever thing - forever having to be in this role, including perhaps asking him to marry you, not having your birthday or holidays celebrated where he has to step up to the plate, etc.

 

Here's what I would do - let him initiate plans and even if that means one date every few months so be it. Meanwhile, date and look to date others and do not have sex with him unless he is interested in being exclusive and an active participant in making plans.

 

There is no need to step back and concentrate on yourself in a healthy relationship. Both come naturally - giving to the other person and giving to yourself -because the other person naturally wants you to be happy. He just wants you to be available at his convenience.