Terrified of seeing ex, but miss friends

[romanticidiot]

To cut a long, messy story as short as I possibly can, my ex broke up with me at the end of January after nearly two years of dating (and on the day we were going to book our TEFL course so we could teach abroad together - he dropped me at the last possible moment). We'd argued a lot in our relationship. I was insecure but in hindsight, he had a habit of putting other girls on pedestals and making me feel like a back up option. This included him going on about how much he fancied one of the actresses in a play he was doing and flirting with the female friend he fancied for years. Last October he got the leading role in a play and had to kiss another, very attractive, girl. After the play had finished she broke up with her boyfriend and as soon as my ex found out he dumped me and went to "comfort" her. Anyway, this didn't work out, and two months later my ex came back to me and I was stupid enough to believe that I was the one he wanted to be with. Well, initially he came back saying "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" which made me think "why the f*ck did you come back if your feelings haven't seemed to change since breaking up with me?" so I told him that wasn't good enough for me after two months of heartbreak so he left. About a day later he came back like "Actually, I do love you!"

 

We had planned to go on holiday with one of his female friends to see another friend abroad. This female friend (who had already stirred sh*t in our relationship) decided it was going to be just the two of them flying out and he obliged, knowing that I was still under the impression I was going, and essentially uninvited me without telling me. We argued about it and then he broke up with me.

 

There was then a lot of back and forth behaviour on his part. He announced he didn't love me then messaged me a week later telling me he actually did and that he couldn't stop thinking about me. Not wanting to get involved in his yo yo emotions I ignored this but a few weeks later I cracked and text him. Over the next few weeks he followed me home once from a night out, had to be stopped from running up the stairs from confessing his love for me when he was only round to collect his bloody bike that had been in my yard the last four months and contacting my housemate to "check on me". And when I eventually told him I loved him too? "Oh, but I'm not in love with you." It was humiliating.

 

We parted ways and I left our university town and he went on his dream holiday. I cracked once and text him telling him I missed him. Six weeks later I saw him after graduation. We agreed to meet after we'd both been drinking, which in hindsight was an awful idea. He wanted to see me somewhere away from other people, so he came to the houseparty I was at and the first thing he said was "You're beautiful", repeating it like some stupid pull-cord doll. He kissed me and I kissed back before realising that I was making a horrible mistake (and, more likely, that he was going to suddenly change his mind and wonder what on earth he was doing). He later told me he kissed me because he "loves" me. To make sure I asked if he meant "as friends" and he said no, he doesn't kiss his friends.

 

(It later turns out that he meant he loves me as a person, and not romantically, even though he kissed me AARERESFDDFFHHYFJHJHGJH!)

 

We had an argument about how he keeps changing the meaning of the word love without telling me and he left that argument saying "I love you. You're the only one who's ever understood me and I've messed everything up." The last time I saw him he complained about being single, but said he didn't have romantic feelings for me, but was still attracted to me. I slunk home to lick my wounds, and that's where I've been for the last three months. We've not spoken since (a personal NC record with this guy).

 

I have no idea what he's doing right now or if he's seeing anyone because I don't ask or FB stalk and that's the way I like it. I know that, despite all the sh*t, I still love him and deep down want him back (though I hope if the opportunity arose I could be strong enough to turn down a reconciliation despite my feelings - I just don't trust him anymore). Since the break up I've done all the recommended stuff: thrown myself into my hobbies, got a new job, made effort to make new friends, tried dating (went badly due to lingering feelings so I'm taking a break from all that now - even cut most my hair off. And yet, I still can't shake the memory of him. I really want to go back to my uni town because the vast majority of my friends are there and, well, it's my uni town. I may be relocating to Spain next month for a job and wanted to visit before then. Trouble is, we run in similar social circles and it's possible we'd bump into one another. It'd break my heart all over again to see him with another girl, or to just he how his feelings towards me have lessened. Any advice on letting him go for good or how to lessen the pain of seeing him?

[romanticidiot]

Also, I've lost a lot of self confidence since the break up.

[kbbcoop77]

Haha you're a great writer! Are U in Britain? Anyways you're doing everything right, just stay no contact and fill your life up with new memories. Sounds like he's a bit of a cad no? The changing the definition of love over and over almost sounds like a freaking Seinfeld episode. That would drive me batsh*t crazy too. Honestly I think you kind of dodged a bullet. Bobs your uncle! 😃 (did I use that right lol)

[mhowe]

He uses you...and you let him. With his track record and his off repeated words...he isn't "in love" with you and uses you for a shag or when he is in between gfs. If you don't have the fortitude to see him with another woman, (which his 3 month of NC would indicate is likely the reality) then stay where you are and.plan your trip to.Spain.

[romanticidiot]

kbbcoop77 - Haha, thank you! And yes I am in Britain, what gave it away lol? Yep, and fanny's your aunt! I agree - he's definitely a cad! I'm getting to the point where I'm beginning to accept that he's not coming back, but that's probably for the best.

 

mhowe - I fear that's the harsh truth of the situation but at the end of the day I think you've hit the nail on the head. I've spent months holding out hope for him, but now I feel like I'm moving closer to accepting the reality of the situation and that he's not coming back this time (and if he did, then it would only lead to more heartache). I just found out I'm not going to Spain (I was the fourth favourite for the job, and there were only three vacancies so going back to my uni town isn't really a priority at the moment. Hopefully, maybe a few months from now, I'll feel ready.