Is this relationship doomed?

[Anon333]

We work together. The first month or two we got to know each other and it got passionate and and we became exclusive, but once we became more serious and exclusive he turned off the excitement and passion toward me. I have written another post about this relationship and whether I am insecure or not. I have read into little things he did and did not do and kept questioning the relationship, until I pushed him away with insecurities and he broke up with me. We ended up back together a few days later after I realized my fault in the situation, of reading into little things too much and saying I felt distant from him. He was pretty attentive and good to me, I just didn't have that passion or excitement from him anymore which was sad for me.

 

When we got back together he said the honeymoon stage is over and that he was sorry he came on too strong...That he wants to be in the comfort stage where he can just be himself and we can cuddle at night and not need to reassure each other. However, I feel like I was enjoying the passion and excitement and honeymoon phase. He brought me to thanksgiving to meet his family and he keeps saying he likes me a lot, but is that enough. At work he will go all day with hardly coming over to talk to me. I had to ask him to give me a hug at least so I feel some affection. He keeps saying my insecurities are pushing him away, and yet his lack of excitement or interest in me and him apologizing for coming on strong and saying the honeymoon is over within a couple months is hurtful to me.. I want someone who is all into me. Is this just his style of dating? why does he even want to date me? I feel like I could easily fall in love with him and it hurts me how we are on different levels of interest. I don't know if I should try to let this relationship continue to run its dull comfortable course hoping he will end up gaining more feelings for me, or if how he is now is showing he doesn't care...

[Mischa234]

There was something thrilling and exciting about the chase... Maybe the fact that you work together gave it an extra buzz. I would say you've got a pretty good guy on your hands if he's saying he wants to get comfortable with you after that's ended... What might have happened otherwise is he would move onto someone else. It sounds like he genuinely wants to pursue a relationship with you, so you should give it time and see if it leads to love and something deeper and long lasting. If that's what you want.

 

The excitement of the honeymoon phase is not real passion, it is limerence (infatuation) driven by our thoughts of what the other person might be. Once it wears off, we then have to reconcile who we thought they were with who they actually are and start the process of truly getting to know them. There will be other perks during this time, such as opportunities to bond and explore new things together and start living life as "we" rather than "me".

 

I really don't think you are on different levels of interest, and you probably need to stop worrying and realise how truly wonderful it is that he wants to stick around with you and knows it after such a short time. He's just a little more confident in things, that's all.

 

Try not to think too much about it, or if you can't stop yourself from doing that, find a constructive way to let your feelings out like a diary or artwork... All the thoughts that are going through your head are a natural part of falling in love, so don't worry too much if that's what you're looking for.

 

Men are pretty straightforward and you will know quickly if he decides he doesn't want to be with you - stop stressing and enjoy the rush of emotions

[lerenard]

If you need someone who is ALL INTO YOU then seek a guy who is like that, who disappears in his woman and runs around her in little circles. But I can guarantee you that this will become boring for you as well, after some time. I feel like the guy is not the problem here, its you, and what you want from a relationship.

 

And about not coming to talk to you at work - work is work. He is there to do his job and be productive, not to make you feel super special and show you his passion.

 

If he likes you that much and introduces you to his family,want to be himself around you and all you want is passion and excitement - maybe just date around?

[Anon333]

Thanks for those responses. They actually make me feel better even though it is something with me, at least i can work on it. It is just hard when I feel passionate about him, and don't feel the same in return. Just asking me how my day is going would be nice. It was like a hi and then bye at work today and then he never even texted me tonight. I know he is moody and has not been feeling well. Its just a little painful because I always thought the honeymoon period lasts 6 months to 2 years. With him, it was like a month or two and then him kinda freaking out and pulling back the reigns and then just kinda like oh hey come over and cuddle....I don't know. I guess I'm used to men being really excited and into me, and if it was me feeling mutually the same way thats what I imagine the beginning of a great relationship would be... I told him I was just getting to know who he is and still learning and getting used to his "space" and that i need a little affection. We have had these conversations a few times and each time he says he looses a little bit from me. But the other day he literally ignored me cause he was sick and not feeling well and it was hard not to take it personal. Okay, so I have to take a step back and hold back because I wanna maul him and text him and be with him more than he wants with me...I have been doing well at that, it just gives me anxiety..

[offplanet]

It sounds like you're not well matched. After only 2 months he's not excited and you have to ask him for a hug. that Best not to fall in love with him, if it's not too late, because it would go on this way, with you being more into him than he is to you. I don't think that would keep you happy.

[Nuby]

If you need someone who is ALL INTO YOU then seek a guy who is like that, who disappears in his woman and runs around her in little circles. But I can guarantee you that this will become boring for you as well, after some time. I feel like the guy is not the problem here, its you, and what you want from a relationship.

 

And about not coming to talk to you at work - work is work. He is there to do his job and be productive, not to make you feel super special and show you his passion.

 

^^^ This!

 

You need to get a hold of your emotions. You sound like you're pressuring the guy and being way too demanding.

 

Perhaps get a new job elsewhere, or vice versa. Either way it's not a healthy situation and will soon become more toxic as your clamp becomes tighter and he becomes more distant.

 

For the record, he sounds like a good dude!

[Mischa234]

It's pretty normal for guys to not be as sensitive as girls, so again don't take it to mean he's not into you. He's just starting to grow more comfortable with the fact that he can be himself now... Maybe he wanted to be sure that he could secure the relationship with you and worked extra hard to let you know that's what he wanted, then when he got it he's happy and starts showing you how he is as a boyfriend. I think that's fine.

 

I also think it's fine if you need more affection, to ask or seek out what you need. Don't necessarily expect him to always hug you or text you first... If you have to initiate it or literally approach him and say "Can I have a hug?" then do that... Don't go overboard on it, and be careful how you discuss it with him so that he doesn't feel overwhelmed with your requests. But if you give him a hug once or twice a day and initiate a conversation in the evenings or call him for a few mins before bedtime, I see no harm in that. So long as he is receptive to it.

 

Maybe the problem is not what you are asking, but how you are asking for it. Why don't you try saying, "Would you be ok if I come hug you" or "Would you be okay with me giving little calls every now and then so I can hear your voice".

[ParisPaulette]

Well, he's told you how he is. And that is that he will only make an effort in the beginning when he's trying to win someone over and then after that he enjoys dull and comfortable and marginally affectionate.

 

It would be a dealbreaker for me, because while yes it's true that in the honeymoon stage things are always at their hottest it's also true that after that calms down what should happen is a deeper, still exciting, still hot love where you both advance in your affections and show it. It's not that "Well, now I can just be myself and let's turn on the TV, hush now Reggis is talking" kind of thing.

 

You will only get more and more unhappy and it's not insecure or needy to want your partner to show some affection to you. You shouldn't even have to ask for that beyond an intial these are my likes and dislikes. My take: this relationship has run its course. What you see is exactly what you get. He isn't just out of the honeymoon stage, he thinks that means he has to make no effort at all to keep the feelings alive between the two of you and now he can check that off his "to do" list and move on to other things.

 

It sounds like you both want very different things out of a relationship and now that the honeymoon stage has burned away what you are left with is someone you are just not compatible with. I wouldn't be either and I've ended two different relationships in the past for exactly that. I even had one ex tell me, "Why should I make any effort now? I got you, it's done. Hand me the remote, would you?" Yeah, I broke it off with him. My current fiancee and I have been together for four years and we still hold hands, hug and are just affectionate with each other. And at times we still burn bright even though it has quieted down to a deeper love. The point is a good relationship is not one that's dull where no effort is made.

[Mischa234]

I'm not convinced that breaking it off with a guy from work who has actively tried to secure a relationship with her is going to end well. If it were me I would give it time and probably also look for a new job or to be moved to a different department at work and take it from there... probably something that required a bit more forethought.

 

Only OP will know what is right, trust your gut OP.

[Anon333]

Mischa234. I wish I was overreacting and needy and crazy but I really don't feel like he is securing a relationship. He says he wants to be with me but none of his actions make me feel wanted. I changed my schedule to have the day off of Fridays with him and we haven't hung out since thanksgiving. Last night he semi asked me to a show, but then said he wasn't sure it was expensive. Then he texted me to see if I had plans today and I said just in the morning. He did not try to make plans with me or text me all day long until 7 when I texted him asking if he was still going to that show he semi invited me to. In which he responded that he didn't want to spend money and sorry he didn't text me he was waiting to hear from me. Even though he knew I had no plans but this morning. I have been holding back and not texting him or pushing him at all. Today has been so hard not to text him as I knew we could have been hanging out if he wanted......Anyway, he said he was just watching t.v and I could come over if I wanted. I said no thank you and he was just "hope you have fun. That is the only day off we have together the whole week..... I am ready to break up with him unless someone thinks I am totally overreacting.

[notalady]

I agree, he seems to be not making an effort at all. I suggest ending things if it's not working for you.

[Anon333]

It is very painful and making me unhappy, but it is hard to tell if is because of my own insecurities, although I know he is not being attentive enough for me, I wonder if I were able to not let it bother me if he would come around. I may be in love or falling in love with him and am totally heart broken over us breaking up.... Tonight I told him he had to be more clear and make plans for me if he wanted to hang out because i wanted to and we haven't hung out since thanksgiving. He was just kinda like "indeed"...."goodnight"...I think he is emotionally closed off from me. Every time I bring these things up it is like I am pushing him more and more away, but I try to hold back and stay quiet as long as I can.... This is maddening but I don't want to break up..

[Anon333]

One last question. Sorry to hijack this forum. Is it possible he is holding back out of not wanting to be emotionally vulnerable or getting too close or hurt? It is strange when someone says they like you and yet their actions seem to not show the same. Should I just back off and give it more time, even though I feel I have been doing this.