How did you guys do it?

[XpandTheMind]

hey, it's been about a month since she left me for someone else.

 

Problem I am having is, in the end I was blamed for everything. She said I kept her at arms length and she never wanted to experience that again. I did this cause she cheated on me, lied to me, and pretty sure she lied about me to others (even justified cheating cause I wasn't around).

 

I honestly am still kind of struggling with this. Want to move on...I'm in the gym three times a week, have bulked up a bit, stayed busy...

 

I really want to unload on her to get it off my mind, but know talking to her shouldn't happen. I did/do love this woman...I think this is why it's that hard. But I'm kind of damaged goods over the whole thing.

 

Need advice on how to handle this situation in a healthy way. Any would help at this point.

[Jehst1987]

I read your previous post, so got some perspective on how you got to this point.

 

Your ex sounds manipulative but deflects it on you to make herself out to be the victim and you the bad guy.

 

She cheated on you and her way of dealing with it was to say "drop it, if you want to be with me then be with me, if not move on". She sounds entitled. If the shoe was on the other foot you'd have been completely abused.

 

You told her you can't deal with it and want to move on, so she suddenly tells you how much she loves you and will miss you.

 

She sounds selfish, manipulative and entitled. I was in a relationship with someone just like it. It's so frustrating as you can't reason with them. Their so good that even there wrong doings become your fault. She cheats but then you're accussed of over reacting.

 

Keep doing what you're doing. You'll come to not miss her over time. Don't connect with her unless you want to go through the whole cycle again.

 

Sounds like you're doing well. Keep working out and improving yourself. You'll find a cracker soon.

[XpandTheMind]

Thanks for that. Def need any kind of advice to stay on track. Appreciate it.

[ParisPaulette]

You are already doing everything right. You can add writing a letter to the ex in which you pour out all of your feelings, but never ever, ever send it to her. Just keep rereading and adding and taking away from it in one big long conversation. Over time you will see things much, much clearly. You're going to get so mad at one point you'll want to just email her a string of expletives and figure out some grand scheme for revenge. Again DON'T DO THAT. Just let it pass.

 

Keep going to the gym. Hang out with your friends and family. Every day first thing in the morning tell yourself this: I do not deserve to be with a cheater and cheater always makes that choice for themselves. THAT is all on her.

 

Because it is. Cheating is a choice. If things were so terrible like she has tried to make you believe she could either have a. talked to you about it and tried to resolve things or b. broken up with you cleanly. Cheating on you wasn't, isn't, never could solve anything. So it's a load of crap she's been shoveling at you, my friend. Saying, "My relationship is bad so I had to cheat" makes about as much sense as, "I didn't want to work for my money, so stealing a car was how I was going to be able to pay my bills." Both things are not done to "solve" anything, they're done because someone decided they wanted to do it and take the coward's way out.

 

Just keep repeating: I deserve more than a cheater and you will come to believe it. Give yourself time too and do nice things for yourself. You will move past this and you will find other people don't try to blame their own bad choices on you--they own their lives fully and are honest and straight. Good luck.

[XpandTheMind]

Appreciate all the advice. Starting to see a bit more clearly. It was very rough for me (no harder than anyone else I'm sure) to have experienced that. But looking back at it...nah. Couldn't do it again. Being in an emotionally abusive relationship for that long with someone who has to lie and all that, to protect a reputation that they themselves know is false, nah. More important things in life than what others think of you, never knew some people valued how they looked in front of others until this last relationship. Very superficial and cheap. I'm not that type, I'm the opposite. Thanks again y'all for hearing me out, appreciate it.

[ms201242]

I'm not going to sit here and say "she's not worth it" or "she was a cheater, you shouldn't miss her" because in the end I know those words don't help and nothing I say along those lines will make you feel better. When you love someone you love their flaws too and would do anything to keep them around. I'm a girl going through a devastating breakup also. The guy I thought I was going to marry left me for his ex, whom he had broken up with over a year ago. It's only been a few days for me, so you are way ahead of me, but I inch closer to happiness every day.

 

I have to keep looking forward to something. Stay busy. On the first day, I signed up for an online dating site. I know this was probably a terrible idea and I'm not saying it was the right thing to do. I have no intentions of meeting someone from there anytime soon, if at all. I just needed to know that someone found me attractive, and needed someone to talk to that wouldn't know about my ex and ask me how we were doing. Blind, open conversation with no pressure at all. I took my dog to the dog park, but left soon after because the only other person there was a man who looked to be in his 80's and he wouldn't be much of a conversationalist. I spent that day miserable. The next day was a Monday, so I had to go to work. This was rough for me. I work in a small office with a staff of about 6. The only person I'm real friends with was out that day. I struggled to keep from crying at my desk every time I remembered him calling my office phone just to say hello. On my lunch break that day I decided to go to Barnes and Noble and look for a book that might keep my mind off him. I hadn't eaten in over 48 hours and food was unbearable at this point. I went to the psychology section and my eyes teared up as I picked up a book on depression. I had been depressed before this relationship and knew that after breaking up those feelings wouldn't be going away any time soon. I decided to go to a local coffee shop after work and start reading the book. This was I would be around other people and not home alone. I was actually excited to do this.

 

The next day I woke up feeling miserable again. I dragged myself to work and somehow made it through the day, even working late. I went to lunch with my friend, but couldn't force much food down. I have a standing TV date with my roommate on that day of the week, so I went home after work and forced him to watch the show with me.

 

The next day (today) I volunteered at a local food bank. This is something I had never done before, and never thought I actually would. I signed up on a whim, by myself. I'm actually looking forward to it because I may be able to make some new friends there. Even if I don't, it's a way to keep my mind from going back to him.

 

If I don't stay busy, he's all I think about. I can't do or see anything without something reminding me of him or something we did together! I don't sleep through the night and have hardly eaten anything since it happened. But I do know that every day, I feel an inch better. An inch is slow progress, but better than nothing. You just have to push yourself, and know that there is a brighter future ahead. I'm sorry this was so long, but I hope it helps you see what you can do to get over her.

[boniver88]

i think one of the crucial steps in getting over an ex is to stop thinking of them as a god on earth, high and mighty or whatever. i know it is hard to at the beginning because until the yesterday you loved someone as a whole, not just the good stuff but you were also ok with not so good stuff. but ask yourself every now and then would that person in 5-10-15 years support me no matter what, could i rely on that person, would he/she really be my partner and soon you will see that some people are not that magnificent and great as we used to think. and that will be just ok to feel like that. just don't overthink it. staying busy and doing something you are good at it helps too.

[XpandTheMind]

Thanks for the advice. It's tough at times, but I'm doing a lot better. Focused on staying in the gym, work, and applying my degree for my dream job. As for her, naw...I couldn't go back to that. And with the way she handled it (lied to me, lied to her friends, possibly family) to protect her reputation and safe guard/justify what she was doing? No, I'm one of those guys that doesn't care too much about superficial things (how I am viewed, what others would say, etc.) so we were complete opposites on that.

 

But a weird thing I'm experiencing is she keeps looking at my snapchat stories (posted photos you can share with friends, but you can also view who's looked at it) I was telling a friend that it's really weird to me. Not holding onto any hope, just weird someone could do all this bs to someone, but still peeks at you consistently. Anyone else experience something like this?