Anon333 Posted November 29, 2014 Share Posted November 29, 2014 I started dating someone I work with in July and have been dating seriously for about 3-4 months. We both became exclusive and there was constant flirting and affection in the beginning. When that started to wane a little bit I started to feel insecure and voiced it a few times. He tried to listen to what I had to say but he also swore he was just acting his natural way and felt like everything was going good and he was happy with things, I usually voiced it at wrong times, like in the middle of the night or if I had been drinking and then felt regretful of how I expressed myself. A couple weeks ago I noticed he seemed less touchy and less into me again and I went over his house and started crying to him that he seemed distant. He didn't know what to say and said it threw him off again because he thought things were going well and it was hard for him to hear that I am unhappy... He withdrew from me for a day or two and I finally told him he needed to talk to me, in which case he invited me over and said the situation seemed unhealthy and unsettling and he broke up with me, despite me saying I was happy and didn't want to break up. I was pretty devastated and didn't expect that to happen and was super emotional and wanted to switch where I worked so I wouldn't see him. After a couple days I started seeing it from his perspective, and how if someone kept saying that felt distant or unhappy in a relationship I would probably feel uneasy and do the same thing. I looked up dealing with insecurities and realized I had some issues I needed to work on. We went for a long talk and I told him how I felt and wanted to work on things. I think he was a good boyfriend that was attentive to me and I shouldn't have let little things take over like that. We got back together and he brought me to meet his family for thanksgiving and we spent the day together, but I still couldnt help feeling he was even more distance from him. That night he kinda said he was going to bed and i could stay watching tv if i wanted to. This is just days after getting back together and me meeting his family, there seemed to be little affection or feeling of caring or wanting to have sex. I went to bed with him and cuddled him and woke up and he got out of bed with not a kiss or touching me and went and made coffee and did his own thing. He smiled at me when i came in and asked if everything was okay, Im afraid to voice how i feel cause i don't want to be over sensitive and give it time. We have been communicating our issues and trying to work through it. He says he really likes me and wants to have this partnership and was just feeling comfortable with me, but I want to feel some passion once in awhile this early on. I don't know if I am reading too much into it and should let things progress naturally, or if I should be more wary that he broke up with me so easily, or just accept his level of affection isn't what I am happy with and he doesn't seem willing to work it out, and seems pushed to walk away if I bring it up.... I don't know if his affection is completely normal. He still holds my hand and cuddles when we watch movies, and he kissed me goodbye and walked me to my car, he is feeling sick right now with a chest cold so that may be why he didn't want to get frisky. I just don't know how to continue, its kind of driving me crazy.... Anyone who read this Id greatly appreciate some input... Thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1Love1 Posted November 29, 2014 Share Posted November 29, 2014 Him breaking up with you the first time makes sense. Not in the " you're being too emotional or insecure" kind of way. But in the fact that he is just being himself. If he felt like him being himself wasn't enough for you, then it would never be enough for you. So why keep you unhappy? Getting back together, he'd most likely be cautious by playing it safe and staying guarded for the first little bit, to see if things will stay the same - Especially if you voiced that you saw where he was coming from. In the end, he is who he is and you are who you are. He's fine without the lovey-doveyness whereas you crave it. It doesn't mean your relationship is doomed to fail because you are different. It only means you will have to work a little harder to get a hold of your insecurities. Know that his lack of affection does not mean he doesn't care or feel the same way that you do. Guys are just less emotional than girls and don't require that physical affection to feel loved. I was the same way as you. The ending of the honeymoon phase scared the crap out of me. But eventually instead of crying or freaking out about it, I got into the pattern of talking to him calmly, saying things like "Hey. Where's my hugs? Have you forgotten? I like getting random hugs and kisses sometimes. It makes me feel good". Voicing your opinion without it sounding like you are resentful or placing blame makes a huge difference in the way a guy responds to what you are saying. If you cry and get mad, to them it may feel like you are saying how they naturally are with you is not enough. That will in turn make them pull away. Communication in a calm and rational manner in key Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted November 29, 2014 Share Posted November 29, 2014 he is feeling sick right now with a chest cold so that may be why he didn't want to get frisky. I just don't know how to continue, its kind of driving me crazy.... A head cold explains a lot. Look, you're making yourself nuts by taking the temperature of this relationship constantly. Give that a rest. Let it go. Shift your focus away from trying to read meaning into every breath he takes and move it instead on to demonstrating how warm, relaxed and fun you can be. Whenever I do this for others it raises my bar and makes me step up and step into my best Self. Instead of observing and analyzing and spinning myself into a self centered preoccupation with how others perceive me and show me how valuable I am to them, I push myself beyond narcissism and just show up for THEM. So not everything is about 'me,' it's about giving my time, my attention and my efforts to making someone else feel appreciated. I'm not asking anyone to show me how great I am, I'm listening--I'm learning how great they are, and I'm letting them experience how wonderful it feels to be in the company of one who gets them. This shift changes everything. It moves you beyond the silent scream of 'feed me!' and it builds your confidence in your own ability to make someone else feel special. Turns out that this is the greatest gift you can give to your Self, and it can't be imagined--only experienced. Head high. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted November 29, 2014 Author Share Posted November 29, 2014 Thank you so much for reading my wordy post and responding. It is so hard to gauge whether he is just not that into me and wants to be in a relationship for comfort or convenience, or if he is into me and just a distant person. OR I am just hyper sensitive to everything. My last relationship, my boyfriend was sure of wanting to be my boyfriend right away and acted so in love with me right away, it was overwhelming cause it was a little suffocating and I wasn't as into him. This relationship is the complete opposite, I am so into him, and he seems so laid back about it. This morning I texted him "I hope you're feeling better". A half hour later he wrote "thanks, Im feeling a little better" I know this sounds fine and polite and normal, but to me I was hurt he didn't ask how my morning went or how I slept, or anything besides that. It made me cry because a few months ago he would have wanted to know how my morning was going. This is hard for me to step back and not let these little things hurt... Last night he just wrote "have a good night", whereas he used to write sweet dreams to me every night. I don't like that he has pulled back even more since breaking up with me over feeling distant. It is like he is testing me or he is unsure and I am trying to be patient and not read into it all but it is painful not to be with someone who you think is excited about you and thinks you are amazing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted November 30, 2014 Share Posted November 30, 2014 OR I am just hyper sensitive to everything. ^ This. And if you don't dial it back, you'll send him walking again--for good this time. Can't you just appreciate that he must really-really like you to overlook your prior nonsense and try things out with you again? He has a COLD--he's not up for asking about the sweetness of your dreams... You need to get a grip. Hire a therapist and work this out, or you'll come out sideways and drive away anyone who could otherwise grow to adore you. You're too busy pulling off the equivalent of relationship suicide with your hyper-self-centered-nit-picks, and it sounds as though you could use a professional who's trained in this stuff to help you get beyond it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
val88dawn Posted November 30, 2014 Share Posted November 30, 2014 I was married for 20 yrs and am married to my second husband now of 6 years and let me tell you THAT GUT INSTINCT IS NEVER WRONG. You should always go with your gut , it's 100% right. This guy isn't good enough for you, you deserve to be with someone that makes you feel like the best you possible, not someone that makes you insecure. I've seen it a lot ,he was probably cheating when y'all first broke up , don't blame yourself you weren't clingy and didn't do anything any women wouldn't have. He obviously doesn't know how to treat you , appreciate you , or pay attention to you. Sounds like a world of pain. Unfortunately some women are attracted to the bad boys and to guys that dump on them , the more the guy pushes you away the harder you try as you get older you will figure out he's pushing you away cause of his own crap and you'll realize it's not worth the games and you'll find someone who you'll know when they look in your eyes that they're crazy for you without a doubt. I hope you find happiness sooner than later. Above all though, know you deserve the best. Good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted November 30, 2014 Author Share Posted November 30, 2014 Ugh. This is exactly what I was afraid of. Two completely opposite advice and insight into the situation. It is like the mirror of my brain from "you are just insecure give him space" to "you shouldn't be feeling this way if he really was into you". It sucks, but I figure I don't have much choice in this matter besides try to hold back and be a little more distant myself and give him space, or break it off because he isn't making me happy. But I really want this to work and he has been trying to talk to me and I really don't think he cheated on me or would cheat on me. He has been sick and I have to stop expecting so much from him. I am really hoping what catfeeder said is more of the truth. If I am aware of over reacting and being insecure it will be a lot easier to work on that than to think I am being dragged into some one sided half hearted relationship. I need to be patient, but I agree there is merit in trusting your gut as well. That is what is confusing. I just want to relax over this whole thing but it really hard. I need to do some inner soul searching I think and work on myself more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted November 30, 2014 Share Posted November 30, 2014 You remind me of myself in a relationship with an ex bf. It took me 6 months to realise that we just weren't compatible..we showed our affection in different ways. He was a great guy and cared about me but it wasn't what I was looking for. I like people to be expressive, affectionate, show me they care in all sorts of ways...because that's how I am, too. I don't think that makes me insecure or needy, it's just what I prefer. When I met my ex husband, after about a month of dating, he got very sick with the flu and we couldn't meet for about a week...and yet, he called me day and night to ask how I'm doing and he was always his sweet, tender and caring self. It's not a matter of you asking for too much...it's a matter of him not giving you what you need...that's my opinion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted November 30, 2014 Author Share Posted November 30, 2014 this is not promising to hear for our relationship. I want there to be hope and think that maybe I am pushing him too hard and need to let him breath, but yes my gut tells me he just isn't feeling the same way or feeling the need to put effort anymore. I wrote him goodnight and that I hope he feels better and he never wrote back...Yes Im sure he fell asleep cause he isn't feeling good. But these little things are things I WOULD NOT DO, if I was really into someone. I have been the one to fall asleep and not think it was anything wrong....But when You are really into someone, you want to respond to their "goodnight". It just feels one sided now.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted November 30, 2014 Share Posted November 30, 2014 this is not promising to hear for our relationship. I want there to be hope and think that maybe I am pushing him too hard and need to let him breath, but yes my gut tells me he just isn't feeling the same way or feeling the need to put effort anymore. I wrote him goodnight and that I hope he feels better and he never wrote back...Yes Im sure he fell asleep cause he isn't feeling good. But these little things are things I WOULD NOT DO, if I was really into someone. I have been the one to fall asleep and not think it was anything wrong....But when You are really into someone, you want to respond to their "goodnight". It just feels one sided now.... Well, I do agree with the others that this sounds too fragile to work out. I stand by my suggestion that your best bet for your own head is to work with a counselor--not to fix your perceptions about this guy, but to address the degree of neediness that's bound to sabotage ANY future relationship. This doesn't mean that you're damaged or 'wrong,' it means that your degree of analysis is going to slam you upside the head in your next relationship, too, because the 'honeymoon' sparkle fades in every relationship. So the next guy who doesn't send you kisses before bed time one night is going to send you into the same kind of spiral. No matter who 'he' is or no matter what 'he' does, nobody can sustain the same degree of intensity that starts off a relationship. The minute someone starts to relax into a normal state of being himself, you'll be poised to interpret that as waning interest, and you'll start drilling into every behavior looking for clues to confirm the demise of his love. I'm not getting this out of thin air--I know it because I've done it, and I can recognize it in every sentence you write. So this isn't about limiting your focus to this one guy who's not as affectionate as you'd like. That can certainly be the case, but you're also smart to question whether you're not ALSO getting in your own way of enjoying the process of getting to know someone over t.i.m.e. You're not interested in that without a constant flow of affection and assurances--and this is going to seriously limit your opportunities with perfectly healthy people who feel a need to really KNOW a person before they can feel romantically open to the kind of bonding you crave. This guy is being cautiously optimistic because you ARE fabulous, even while he's already felt the burn of your accusatory questioning the very second he relaxed his intensity. You reassured him that you get it and will pull back on your scrutiny, but you have not--you just stopped speaking it for the moment. So how long can you keep that up while he's feeling his way through what he already knows is a mine field? My guess is, not long--so you're right, this isn't the right guy for you. But I'd suggest that you address what is going to be a pattern for you. I'm in your corner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted November 30, 2014 Author Share Posted November 30, 2014 Ugh I just want a glimmer of hope that this can work. I really like this guy. It is obvious he has pulled away and it is hurting me but maybe if I just try to not let it bother me and act normal he will come around. I don't want to be in a relationship everyone says is doomed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted November 30, 2014 Share Posted November 30, 2014 I really like this guy. It is obvious he has pulled away and it is hurting me but maybe if I just try to not let it bother me and act normal he will come around. You don't have anything to lose by trying. The problem isn't limited to how you behave, it's how you spin things in your own mind. You 'seek' the injury. Well, guess what? That will show. It will come out sideways when you least expect it, and it will blow you out of the water. The idea isn't to create a facade of a pulled-together person. You'll clamp up and not be yourself--and then the chemistry BF first found attractive about you will be snuffed. The idea is to BECOME a pulled-together person by addressing this at the level of thought rather than the level of behavior. So how do you do that? Any number of steps, but mine would include nixing the indulgence of spinning everything into injury and ruminating about it--that's just a habit of trying to make yourself feel good about feeling bad. If there was a single advantage to doing that, I'd support you, but it's a habit that needs to be broken. The other thing I would do is to seek therapy. Period. No trying to trick myself into believing that I can operate 'around' that important step. You need support in managing yourself away from ruminating, and you need an expert to teach you how to do it. If you're still in school your tuition already covers mental health counseling, and you can get an assessment and either work with a counselor there or get a referral to someone who deals with 'abandonment issues'. That's what you've got. Unless you address this deeper stuff, the only thing predictable about your current relationship is that you'll walk on eggshells until you crack. You've already cracked once, but the guy isn't likely to overlook that again. I'd get the help to avoid that outcome. Head high. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted November 30, 2014 Author Share Posted November 30, 2014 Catfeeder, thank you for your advice. I know I do have abandonment issues that I need to let go. I also have never had the healthiest relationships. This is the first healthy relationship where I have noticed these flaws and want to work on them and talked openly with my partner instead of yelling and acting childish. This is really difficult for me, and I hope I can find a therapist, Im not in school. I wouldn't want him to know I am seeing a therapist, because then maybe he would think I have even more issues. He did not write me back last night and has not written me today and that is the first time in a long time he completely and outright never wrote back. It is painful, but I want to let it go. Its really hard when someone says they want to try and make it work and then they are more distant than before. I a trying to keep in mind he is sick. I will see him at work today. Any suggestion how I should be toward him? I am hurt he never wrote me back but I know if I act annoyed it will push him away more. sorry for bugging you, You have been so helpful and I really appreciate your time you took to respond to my posts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted November 30, 2014 Share Posted November 30, 2014 Any suggestion how I should be toward him? Re-read my first post, I addressed this already. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.