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Journals

In which I try this journal thing.


WithLove

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I think entering relationships and dating flushes up repressed feelings. Much like smelling fresh baked cookies reminds us of our mom in lichen when we were young.

Consider trying to embrace it instead of running away.

You'll know best. If you're not ready, then. . You arent.

Either way. It's going to be ok

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I like how similar you and your mom look. Like you're a younger version of her.

 

I look a lot like my mother as well.

 

Back when my mom and I had a not-so-good relationship, I used to not like looking like her. Now I am happy about it because I have reformed our relationship. I like looking at pictures of her when she was younger. Our childhood pictures are nearly IDENTICAL. I keep a photo of her when she was 14/15 or so in my drawer at home and she pulled it out and said "Oh that's a beautiful picture of you, when did we have that taken?" and I said "That's not me that was YOU!!!!"

 

We also sound a lot alike. I've called contractors and will identify myself as her (for simplicity sake, she didn't care) to tell them of issues or other things. It's really funny. It works.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Not doing very well health-wise. I'm angry and irritable today. I have been this whole weekend.

 

I haven't heard from Tyler since Saturday. Pretty fishy for a guy that claimed he wanted to get to know me better.

 

I did very well in my healthy eating habits last week, only to completely derail that train this weekend. I feel awful. I hate myself. This is never going to change unless I make an effort. I bought some walking weights a few weeks back. Today, I'm going to start using them.

 

The biggest, main thing - I've had blood in my stool for about 5 days. Bright red. At first I thought I was on my period - that's how much of it there was. After checking, I discovered it was not a period. I went to a walk-in clinic at the recommendation of my doctor - and they said there was not blood present! Then I went to my regular doctor - still nothing! I got a script for a CT, plus some bloodwork, plus a referral to a gastro doctor - but I feel like nobody believes me. But doesn't anyone ever feel like there's just something wrong? Idk.

 

I'm not a happy camper right now.

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I joined a gym this morning. I asked my dad to take me to Costco so I can buy tons of chicken and fish. Now I have a medical reason to lose weight. Even though the findings in my exam aren't acute, they can lead to other dangerous health issues, like liver failure. I need to change this. I had a panic attack this morning over everything hitting me all at once.

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