In which I try this journal thing.

[WithLove]

Any time I've posted on here, I had a specific question or goal in mind. Now that I started this thing, I'm like, what do I type in this infinite (ish) white space??

 

So I'll just start off with boring chatter. I'm at work. I love working an 8-5, Monday-Friday shift. I've never had a job like this. It's so good for me. I've almost been here a year already. Only a year, and I'm already the most senior person of us girls. I feel good. My higher-ups rely on me.

 

That being said, I've applied for an internal transfer to the financial department. It's not a promotion, but it is three more dollars an hour. I need that. I'll be in a smaller department. It's not the same hours, but still weekends off. It's also gets me in the door of the admin building, literally. More chances to move up there. I should be meeting with the super there sometimes this week for an interview. Hopefully my previous experience here, and also with a call center and bank, will make me a shoe-in.

 

Things with C are okay. We had a pretty devastating conversation about boundaries about 2 weeks ago. I was honest when I told him that something has changed, that I can't seem to let it go this time. I don't deserve to be treated that way. As a result, I've backed off. I've been more distant. He has noticed. He knows he f*cked up. I wonder if he'll keep his promise. The end of November is nearly here. If he doesn't keep it, I'll have to walk away. He doesn't think I will. But he also doesn't know how much stronger I am this time. It truly will be his loss.

[WithLove]

It's a bad day. C mentioned last week that his father would be in town this week, thus he couldn't join Thanksgiving festivities with me. Then he told me his father wasn't coming after all, but didn't know if he would come to my father's with me, because he was nervous (of my dad). Yesterday morning, as I was waiting to hear from him, he told me his father came into town after all. I was so bummed. This would have been our first holiday since getting back together.

 

Then last night. Called him on the way home from my dad's. He said his father was staying with him. Which of course made me realize that his father would be on the couch and the only place left for C would be his roommate's bedroom. Who is female. HE WOULD BE SLEEPING WITH HER IN HER BED.

 

This was not okay. I hung up quickly. Later that night I told him it was extremely inappropriate, that it was hurtful, disrespectful, and I wouldn't do anything like that. No reply. This morning, he texted that there are 2 couches, not one. But didn't specify that he slept on the couch. I told him he should have said that in the beginning. His reply: "Yeah but I felt like you weren't going to let up on me."

 

WHAT?

 

I don't even know. I'm so angry. I feel like I have a legitimate reason to be angry and he's treating me like I'm being crazy. It pisses me off that his roommate got to spend time with him and his father on a holiday, not me. I feel like all the things that are important to me, just don't mean much to him.

 

His grandmother had a massive stroke yesterday as well. I asked if he would be flying up to his hometown to see her. He said he may have to.

 

We're supposed to move in together on Dec. 1. But I am terrified that if he goes up north, he won't come back.

 

I hate this.

[WithLove]

Obviously I've been lacking as afar as journals go. Whoops! New year, right?

 

Ended it with C, which I'm surprisingly okay with. Being the dumper makes it a bit easier sometimes, I guess. I get lonely at night, but my waking hours are spent at work and playing video games with friends. My mom has been instrumental in my healing as well - she is careful to communicate with me several times a day.

 

A friend of mine and I were debating marriage yesterday. I was trying to describe how my lifestyle ideas had changed over the past year or so - in that I now think it would be pretty cool to get married, but still not wanting a child. He wanted to know simply why I thought marriage was a good idea. Here's how our conversation went:

 

Me: "It's because I think marriage is a promise between two people to take sanctuary in each other whether good or bad. When each person know it's not a good to go to bed angry at each other. To put each other and the relationship first, before any other friendship or relationship. And I feel that it's more solid and more "real" than just promising to stay in a relationship, because when it's not marriage, there's still a lingering "it wouldn't be so difficult to split since we're not married" thought that would come up eventually. Whereas if you're married, you're promising your partner that you're going to try and work on whatever comes up because that's the vow you took, for better or worse."

 

Him: "There's no distinction between a boyfriend or husband outside of the legal of losing half your personal belongings if it goes bad. Otherwise, the only other difference would be that you can choose your own level of involvement."

 

Me: "Intellectually I can see your point, but I don't think of marriage as an intellectual decision. It's more of a commitment that has more weight than just an agreement of a long term relationship. Maybe because it's legal in the eyes of the law and of others."

 

Him: "Because marriage is BS. You don't NEED to be married to be with someone and be happy. People do it because they're expected to, and because they need to prove their love towards someone to their friends."

 

Me: "Maybe, but I also think that a man would be proud to have his partner take his name, and any resulting children if any bear his name too."

 

Him: "Perpetuating a namesake is medieval nonsense. If those things are truly that important, there wouldn't be a way to undo them, nor would there be an opt-out choice (as in her not taking her husband's last name)."

 

Me: "But that's why there IS an opt-out choice, for professionals or for women that don't want to change names. I respect what you're saying but for me personally, I'm still guiltily attached to old and perhaps outdated thinking when it comes to marriage. Would you ever get married? I mean, would dating someone that did want marriage be a deal-breaker?"

 

Him: "It's not a deal-breaker, but they would have to understand my avid stance towards the "no effing way am I doing that"."

 

Me: "So if hypothetically we dated and had a convo like this one, and you made it clear that you don't want marriage, and I said I respected your choice but that I did want marriage, then we'd have to break up because in the end, we couldn't give each other what we wanted."

 

Him: My stance, now and in your hypothetical situation, is that there is no distinction between a long term relationship and a marriage, and that if you can't be happy with us having the exact same type of relationship regardless of our legal standing with one another, then we're better off not being together. If your deluded and misguided view on what marriage is today is stuck that far in the past on purpose, that's your prerogative. I don't need to be married to be happy. It's unfortunate that you think you do."

 

Me: "What about discounts on insurances and family health benefits?"

 

Him" So now it's a financial decision? What about the legal obligation one of us would have to the other if, like half of all marriages, it ended in divorce? If money is that big a determiner in your relationship, it's in trouble right off the bat."

 

Me: "Prenuptials. I'm not completely stupid when it comes to fantasies. And what if I loved you so much that it was that important to me to want your last name?"

 

Him: "Prenup indicates either a lack of trust or an indication that you've been through it before, and I'm going to be paying for the mistakes of others. How does my last name correlate to love?"

 

Me: "Because it signifies final acceptance into your family and your life."

 

Him: "Symbolism. Just like marriage. Romantic notions from the times when marriage unified kingdoms."

 

Me: "You don't believe in symbols?"

 

Him: "I don't believe in symbolism."

 

Me: "I wish you did. It makes me sad that you don't. But it also makes me sad that I believe in the fact that a ring symbolizes a man's love for a woman, instead of his words and actions."

 

 

 

It gave me a lot to think about.

[WithLove]

I joined Meetup to see what it was all about. There are a surprisingly large amount of groups to pick from! I've already joined 6 groups and RSVP'd to a gun range visit next week. I'm excited! I want to meet new people and start reliving my own life.

[hers]

On some level I agree with your friend about marriage, and I sort of agreed with that outlook before I got married. What difference does it make sort of thing. But now that I'm married, something just popped in my head that I never realized was there--it was effort. I didn't realize that I never put forth effort to keep things good and to communicate well before I got married. Now I feel there's much more at stake--sure, it's harder to split up if you're married, but it's mroe than that for me. I want to be happy, and I want my husband to be happy. But I subconsciously take my vows into consideration (I say subconsciously but I never realize how seriously I take my vows until after the fact, if that makes sense). I really do think about being there till death and all of the things I promised.

 

Anyway, I think about my former relationships and how I felt during high-conflict times and how I tried to just keep fighting b/c I wanted to fight, and now with my husband, in high-conflict times, I want to get through it in as healthy a way as possible. I really just felt like something clicked when I got married. It took me a little while to get used to it but now I have more amindset to fight for my marriage.

 

I do agree with prenups and such if the two people are in very different parts of their lives when thye enter marriage (like if one owns a house but theother didn't). I don't think it signifies a lack of trust but more so a stance on being realistic since th statistics don't always work in favor for marriage.

[redrose85]

Very interesting conversation! Marriage is different, and I say that with conviction. We were together 7 years before marriage and while fully committed, it was not the relationship we have now. It didn't click right away, but over the last 8-9 months or so, our relationship has shifted into this whole other really awesome, stable, contented arena and it's really fascinating to me. I can't put my finger on it...maybe it's just that we're not 20 anymore and it has nothing to do with marriage, but I doubt it.

[hers]

Very interesting conversation! Marriage is different, and I say that with conviction. We were together 7 years before marriage and while fully committed, it was not the relationship we have now. It didn't click right away, but over the last 8-9 months or so, our relationship has shifted into this whole other really awesome, stable, contented arena and it's really fascinating to me. I can't put my finger on it...maybe it's just that we're not 20 anymore and it has nothing to do with marriage, but I doubt it.

 

I definitely feel more security in my life now that I'm married.

[WithLove]

Today a friend posted all of her wedding photos on facebook. I went through every single one of them and it hit me that there's not a man in my life that I would imagine myself to marry. But even more that, there's no one in my life that I feel would ever want to go all in on something like that, with me. I feel like I'm not the marrying kind. I'm not thin and I have a broken mental state of being. I'm not a great housekeeper and sometimes I spend all day playing video games. Sometimes I don't get up til noon. I'm not very decisive when I should be, but sometimes I can't let something go when I should.

 

I'm not feeling up to par tonight. I'm feeling like I'm not worth finding someone to be by my side. Like I craved being alone, so now I will be, forever.

 

I'm not missing C. I'm not missing any ex boyfriend. I'm just mourning something I've never experienced.

[redrose85]

There's no such thing as the marrying kind. Not really.

It comes when you meet that one person who makes you want to be the best version of yourself--not someone else, not June Cleaver, perfect housewife, but just the best person you can be. Being thin has nothing to do with it, housekeeping doesn't have much to do with it (one partner is always better at something than the other) Your hobbies and sleeping habits have nothing to do with it either. It's all about that person who's compatible with you and your awesome traits/faults, and being able to grow and change together through the years (sappy, I know)

[WithLove]

Yesterday I went with some family to visit my grandfather. We went to play bingo and just hang out as a family. It was really nice to catch up, but after awhile my cousin started talking about her wedding, which is now less than 3 months away. It brought me right back to the conversation I had with my male friend, and to my feelings the next day about marriage. All of my friends (and even some family) are getting married. I've been trying very hard not to think about it. Most of the time I'm not bothered. But then I'll see someone I know so happy and in love, and I can't remember the last time I felt that way. Head-over-heels, crazy in love.

 

I miss that roller coaster.

[WithLove]

I talked to Mom about my medication and how I'm always exhausted. I told her I was thinking of calling up the nurse and telling her it's not working for me. She said I need to compromise on them, because at least these pills don't give me rashes or make me feel worse. I was offended, because I do see her point, but it's my mental health at stake; I don't want to just 'settle'. I compromised by telling myself I'd give it til my next appointment with the nurse, which is early February.

 

Still not regretting the decision to split with C; however, I'm lonely. I am. I signed up to go to a couple nerdy events this month to get myself out of the apartment and socializing; I bought the handbook that goes with the event just to make sure I'd go.

 

I'm trying to eat better - not sure if this is working, but I at least feel like I'm eating less. Mom and I have gone mall walking twice; tonight will be our third time. I'm almost to the point where I'm ready to go more often, and might end up walking my apartment complex by myself soon.

 

I hope I get used to these pills. I go home from work and nap for a few hours, stay up for 2 or so, then go back to bed for the night. I can't keep myself awake. My housework and such is suffering. But I'm going to these nerdy events once a week for the next 3 weeks, at least - hopefully that'll help break the spell of sleep.

[notalady]

I'm late to the party but I thought the marriage discussion you had with your friend was interesting. I don't think the reasons one want to marry someone else is or should be a tangible one. It shouldn't be because of financial or legal reasons, although those are the tangible consequences of a marriage. So why do we want to get married? That's an interesting one that had me thinking, because I'm all for marriage and I want to get married with the right person. The way I think of it is, it's intangible and it's purely psychological. Firstly taking the plunge demonstrates a level of willingness by both parties to commit to a relationship that simply living together does not and never will. It's not uncommon (I've seen several) for relationships to fall apart after engagement and never got to marriage. I think as things got real, push come to shove, they realised that this is not the person they want to spend the rest of their lives with. Without that push for committment, they did and would have continued to waste years more in a relationship that was never going to last. So yes I want to go through that test, I want to know for sure this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Say what you will, but people generally don't actively think about that in a long term relationship as long as things aren't too bad and they can and will just go along with it.

 

The financial and legal consequences makes you work harder at maintaining a healthy marriage and putting in the effort to make it work. In the good ol' days when divorce wasn't possible, people were forced to work on their marriages. While I like the freedom of being able to leave a marriage that is simply not working, it's also allowed people to "cop-out" when things aren't going well instead of working on things. But still, there are still enough people that respect marriage and their partners enough to work on things instead of simply abandoning it. The financial and legal consequences are just there to help things along, give things a push. See it as another barrier or test if you will, if you are willing to go through all that hell to leave someone rather than stay and work on it, perhaps the relationship is truly beyond salvage and it would be best for it to end.

 

Have never been married myself, but I often hear married people I know say how they feel slightly different about each other after marriage despite they had been living together for years before. And as some of the posters here said, it does make a difference to your mentality and the effort you put in.

 

Marriage is not logical, but one of virtue, commitment, symbolic and psychological.

 

As for prenup, I see it as a contract with good intentions and in no way indicates lack of trust. It would be wise in business to put in place a solid contract despite how long you've been business partners and how much you trust each other. It would be wise to have it in writing when you lend to/borrow from or have any sort of financial arrangement with your family or friends despite how much you trust them. You see communications break down every single day, well I do anyway, from big to small things. Having things in writing leaves no room for misunderstanding, doubt, or future dispute/disagreement and can potentially save a relationship (including with family and friends) from the damages of such an unfortunate event. Also, by your friend's logic, if you buy yourself a life insurance policy, does that mean you are expecting yourself to die from an accident in the future? I doubt it.

 

ok rant over

[happpybear]

I found the marriage discussion interesting too. As for the prenup, I look at it as a promise toward fairness going forward. I don;t see it as a negative thing. I think usually the way it works is that if there is a split, each party is entitled to what they brought in and whatever agreed upon percentage of equity acquired in the marriage. Of course the couple can give more on top of that--outside of the prenup--if they want too...if the break-up is mutual. But if you end up in a messy divorce, emotions run wild and a once loving and rational couple can try to financially ruin one another on a whim. Prenup's prevent that sort of nonsense. it's about fairness, in my mind anyway.

[WithLove]

The friend of mine that I spoke with about marriage, he has had only one or two serious relationships (he's almost 34). The last one he told me he did want to marry, but she cheated on him. I honestly think it soured his entire view on marriage - so in a way, I think he's a fibber! What I was trying to tell him was that to me, marriage isn't logical; it's psychological, kind of fantasy-like. It has a deeper meaning than just a LTR, because you take a vow before other human beings that you're promising to love this human being for better or worse, forever. "Forever" is probably the single most scary word in the whole world to me, so to say it in front of a member of court, plus others - well, that means something to me.

[mhowe]

An aside --- the title of your thread "In which I try"....reminds me of the writings of Milne(?)....author of Winnie the Pooh.

 

"In which a humble bear goes in search of Honey...."

[WithLove]

I find myself thinking about 'how bad would it be to join a dating site?'. It's telling me that I'm moving on with my life and focusing on myself, at last. I am happy.

 

Finally heard back from therapy - first appointment scheduled Feb. 11. I am anxious about it, but also glad.

 

Random thought - if I joined Match, what are the chances of seeing my father on there? Giggle moment.

[reinventmyself]

I am often asked if I would remarry. My standard response is that I would like to find someone I felt that way about but I didn't need a piece of paper to define.

BUT I was married and that piece of paper didn't insure me of anything . .it didn't guarantee we would treat each other well and stay together forever . .it did obligate us to each other and for some that is a good thing and others not.

 

It's easy for me to say this not. .I had a good run, 16 year of it.

I wouldn't deny anyone the experience though. And I have 2 great kids for having done it. So no regrets.

 

I admire the way you handled the situation. He was pretty good with the verbal semantics of the whole transaction. Good for you that you held your and spoke your truth.

There is someone out there better suited for you. . I believe!

[WithLove]

I need to get this out.

 

 

I am planning a trip to visit old friends up in PA. I lived there for 3 years with an ex and developed a lot of deep connections with people there. I have talked to them on a near daily basis since I left in 2011.

 

I have quite a few male friends that I will be seeing - but one in particular that I'm looking forward to. I can't say I've been crushing on him for years - but I definitely think very highly of him. Well, for the past few months, we joke (around friends and to each other) about hooking up. I mean, it's a daily joke. Every one of my male friends asks jokingly when I'm gonna go hook up with him. And I just give it right back.

 

But I admitted to myself that if there was even a small chance a relationship could blossom between he and I, I'd do it. But I don't think there's a chance - nor even a thought about one, at least from his side. I'm very intimidated by him, because I think so highly of him, if that makes sense. So, being the over-thinker that I am, I of course brought it up to him today:

 

Me: "I'm going to be a pansy about this. But the thing is, I don't sleep with people or do anything sexual with them unless I can see having an actual relationship with them."

 

Him: "...okay..."

 

Me: "So, like, you're aware that I think pretty highly of you, but I don't think it's reciprocated. So like, even though we joke about it and stuff, it likely won't happen."

 

Him: "I never honestly though it WOULD happen. It's just one more thing we joke about."

 

Me: "Okay, so this is a case of me over-thinking stuff?"

 

Him: "Very much, yeah"

 

Me: "Okay then, cool!"

 

 

 

I am so relieved. But also.... disappointed. We could never have a relationship because we're 1400 miles away, and I can't do long-distance. And also, I have absolutely no idea how he feels about me, other than a friend. He's never given any indication of romantic feelings, so I'm going with friend only.

 

 

 

But I believe I we lived closer, we could at least date.

 

 

I'm awful.

[reinventmyself]

"I'm awful. "

 

Where did that come from??

You like someone. . normal. .flirted. . normal.. . set some boundaries. . .healthy.

Where did I'm awful come from?

 

Go have fun. . meet up with him. . flirt. .have some more fun and only do what you want on your terms.

I think you are reading into his response as non interest. When I read it, it's more of a case of mutual respect.

Besides, he played it safe by saying he wasn't expecting anything. .especially after you set the boundary, he may have just been saving face.

[WithLove]

I think..... I want something to happen. I have... such a huge respect for this guy. His brother is awesome too. Bit of a backstory: his brother gave his wife kids earlier than he originally wanted to because she is a cancer survivor, and there was a good chance of her developing cancer elsewhere in her reproductive organs, so before she got them all removed, he gave her three beautiful boys. She works hard and comes home at night to take care of the boys; when he gets home (he works til 11 every night), he takes the monitor with him everywhere so that he can be the first one to respond to the kids so she can stay sleeping. He is an amazing husband, compliments his wife even in front of his male friends; and his brother, the one I am friends with, speaks so highly of him too, about how he's such a great brother, father and husband. And I don't think he realizes that he is just like his brother.

 

He is very intelligent, very self-aware, is not afraid to say what he thinks. I admire that a lot. He is very arrogant, but not to me and he's very loyal to his friends and family. He terrifies the hell out of me. I couldn't even tell you why. I think I really do like him, but I feel like he is way out of my league. He is also 34, 9 years older than I. I do not feel mature around him at all, even though I am a pretty mature person. I constantly wonder why he even talks to me still, but we text and talk pretty much every single day.

 

I honestly could talk about what a great guy he is for hours, so I'll stop now.

 

I think now that I'm single, I'm crushing hardcore on this guy.

 

But with him, because he's such a good friend, I have no problem hiding my feelings. Like, at all. I still talk and joke around as if "I were one of the guys". They treat me as such too - except if it happens to get too rude for me, which it occasionally does, each friend always apologizes, usually with "you're a lady, I shouldn't have said that in front of you".

 

I just feel pretty confused over my feelings right now.

[reinventmyself]

Well . .try not to overthink it! I am very much like you and the overthinking sets us up to be uncomfortable at the worst moment.

I've have however gotten pretty good at pushing things out of my head lately. Makes a huge difference in my confidence.

 

Maybe all the texting has built up some fantasy expectations and seeing him in person might bring you back down to earth.

 

The arrogant thing concerns me tho. It's nice that he doesn't share that with you but the fact that he exhibits it makes if definitely part of him

[WithLove]

I do know him IRL, too. He's a friend from when I used to live there. I haven't seen him in years. I am super excited to see him, and the rest of my friends, too. I'm just super nervous about seeing him. But I'm going to keep my cool. I am determined to.

[WithLove]

I signed up to one of those free OLD sites. I'm ready to take it very slow and put myself out there. Talking will ensue - not sure if it will lead to anything, but I am willing to try, as long as the guys understanding that he may have to wait weeks until I am comfortable. SO here goes nothing...

 

D - We have a few things in common, but he does that thing where he will respond but not really leave any opening for me to say something about myself. So... I stopped talking.

 

S - He's cute and my type for sure, but his replies are short and abrupt. I won't be following up with him.

 

G - This one messaged me first. We've been chatting on and off for 2 days. He's Latin, cute, and likes a lot of the same things I do. There's really only one thing that's making me a little 'iffy'... He's a server. There's nothing wrong with this, but it's his only job and he has admitted that when our slow season hits, his financial situation will change and he'll be looking for a roommate then. (Nothing about this was presumptuous at all.) It just makes me a little leery of any potential dates, because I don't really want to feel obligated to pick up a bill just because I know I make more than he does. He's nice and fun to chat with, though, so I'll continue talking with him.

 

H - Seemed nice initially, but refused to use correct grammar and punctuation. I couldn't stand it. After an hour, I very politely said I didn't think we were a good suit.

 

K - This guy is very nice, polite, and takes his time in replying to me. He didn't have any pictures, but asked my permission to email one to me. He's pretty handsome, but he is of a different culture that I'm not used to. I asked him honestly if he is very attached to a certain culture or religion; he said that he was raised here in the US and his culture or religion doesn't have any bearing on relationships. I like that he seems to be a gentleman, so I think I'm going to keep talking to him for now. Of everyone so far, he's the one that gives me the best vibes, and the one that may stick around for my (likely) very long waiting period before meeting.

[WithLove]

Had a dream about PA friend. We slept together - not sex, just slept in the same bed. I distinctly remember lying next to him, him starting to fall asleep, and saying sleepily "I love this. And I love you, K." I woke up feeling weepy.

 

I think I just want that feeling of knowing that someone loves me.

 

I'm so confused. Why am I dreaming about him now?

 

I'm pulling my OLD profile. It's not fair to get tangled up in someone if I've got another guy on the brain.

[hers]

I don't think dreams like that mean anything. Jared dreamt last night that I divorced him and I'm def not planning to.

 

I think you'd be doing a disservice to yourself by pulling your profile.