Nilulu's healing journal

[Guest nilulu]

Hi all, I discovered this forum years ago during my first breakup. I decided that it might be helpful to keep a journal on this forum. Lurking and reading everyone's posts was very helpful to me. I eventually recovered and was the happiest that I had ever been. Found a great internship, a new boyfriend (I'm a girl), made new friends. Everything was great.

 

Unfortunately, somewhere along the way, I fell off the wagon. After my internship ended, I went back to school and finished my degree. I started one last internship before getting a real full-time job. Unfortunately, this last internship was painful. All the people were great, but I somehow did not feel happy at work. My life became a cycle of work and video games. I fell into a deep depression again. Since the internship ended, I haven't been enthusiastic to start my first real job. I got plenty of job offers (which I am grateful for), but I felt frozen because I was so scared that I would become depressed again. I've been stuck on deciding what job offer to take.

 

Lately, I sit at home all day and cry. I moved accross several states to where I am now, so I have very few friends in the area. I live in suburbia and only own a bike, so it's hard to go out and meet new people.

 

On the sunny side, I'm still with the boyfriend, let's just call him BF. He is the only good thing in my life right now. He's kind and supportive and patient, but I know that my problems are taking a big toll on him. I naturally have a dependent personality. I know that if this persists, a breakup will be on the horizon.

 

I rediscovered this forum today, and remembered that I have to focus on working on myself and that it is a process. I feel like lately, I've been expecting myself to be perfect and have all the answers already even though I'm only starting out my career. I've made myself feel so hopeless and miserable with all this pressure that I'm putting on myself. I needed to remember that it's ok just to focus on working on myself for now. It's too much pressure and a losing battle to try to be better than everyone.

 

I don't know how often I will update this journal, but I hope to start on a healing journey.

[Silverbirch]

Welcome back Nilulu!

[Guest nilulu]

Welcome back Nilulu!

Thanks. I love these forums.

[Guest nilulu]

Update today. So I finally committed to a job offer. It's not as prestigious as my previous work, so I feel like I'm losing a part of my identity / self-worth. I think it was logically the right choice for me in terms of the kind of work that I'll be doing and the skills that I will learn. (I had prestigious job offers but I chose this one.) I can always jump ship to somewhere more prestigious in the future. I'm trying to treat this as an opportunity to learn to be more humble and less judgemental. It's pretty hard forcing myself through this.

[Catherine_3]

Congratulations. Why did you choose this particular offer? What will you be doing?

[Guest nilulu]

Congratulations. Why did you choose this particular offer? What will you be doing?

 

Thanks. It's a long term career decision. I expect to pick up more skills that will open up more options down the line. At least this is what my parents and boyfriend tell me. I tend to just jump on the next shiny interesting thing. So far it's worked out pretty well for me, but it's because I'm young and have a lot of "potential." (If only employers knew how severe my emotional issues were.) I'm a programmer.

[Guest nilulu]

Hi again. Really tough night. I begged my boyfriend to let me stay over for emotional support. He's really sweet. Unfortunately, I ended up crying all night because I was so afraid of the job. It definitely woke him up several times last night. For the weekend, I offered to do anything to pay him back for his consideration. What he wanted: to be left alone the whole weekend. I'm so scared that he'll leave me. I know that he will if this continues. I'm messing up his sleep schedule.

 

When I get depressed and anxious, I often have a tantrum in hopes that if I just express how depressed and anxious I am, someone will come and whisk me away from all this pain and misery. Usually this happens when I'm around my boyfriend. He's not good at comforting me (he tries), so it's a frustrating process for him.

 

I know that it's really up to me to pick myself up from these events. When I'm upset, knowing this fact upsets me even more. When I'm upset, I don't want to help myself and I just want to escape from it all. Now I understand why suicide is (in most cases) the coward's way out and why it is appealing regardless.

 

I think one of life's greatest challenges is to learn how to deal with oneself.

 

On the bright side, I finally get to see a therapist this weekend. I also ate a proper meal today! Spent $25 for crappy delivery food. But at least now I'll have enough energy to leave the house.

 

I dream of being a great scientist or politician or director in a company -- someone accomplished and famous. I wonder how those folks get all the way up there. I wonder if it's worth it. I often think I'm worthless. I wonder if they still think they're worthless.

[Silverbirch]

First you need to take care if your health, especially eat well. Definitely good idea to give your bf some time for himself.

[Catherine_3]

I think one of life's greatest challenges is to learn how to deal with oneself.

 

I love this statement and couldn't agree more.

 

I dream of being a great scientist or politician or director in a company -- someone accomplished and famous. I wonder how those folks get all the way up there. I wonder if it's worth it. I often think I'm worthless. I wonder if they still think they're worthless.

 

Some of them are just arrogant, even sociopaths. But most of them have insecurities, and that's what makes them good. Once you're a CEO, you're going to be really good at it because you'll be humble and empathetic. Your insecurities will prevent you from developing a God complex.