Need Help "Reclaiming" My Life

[LKDag]

My girlfriend of six years broke up with me somewhat suddenly. Two months later, having gone through pretty much all of the emotions, I am more or less resigned to the fact that it's over and the odds of reconciling are slim to none. I fell into something of a moderate depression, but I'm feeling a lot better in that regard, and my will to do things is returning. I've been running into problems doing things that I generally like. Examples of things I mean:

 

• I have a cactus that I originally bought to 'impress' her when we first started dating. When I look at it, I am reminded of her, but I'm also fond of the stupid thing, and I don't want to get rid of it just because it makes me think of bittersweet memories. Related, I have a little bit of interest in gardening, using hydroponics and the backyard when the spring comes, but since she was a huge nature person with a big garden and all of that kind of stuff, I don't know how much of that stuff I'd be able to do without feeling guilty/sad.
  
• 
  
• A few years ago, we went on our first real major vacation, to Cape May, New Jersey. I was kind of doubtful about how much I would enjoy the trip, but I did, and really took a liking to the city. I would like to go there in the future, but at the same time, I don't know how much enjoyment I'd get out of going back since it was "our place".
  
• 
  
• She introduced me to a recipe (Brussels sprouts + bacon) that I really enjoyed, and started making myself for meals/side dishes. I was food shopping a while ago and got those ingredients, but when I was thinking about what I wanted to eat sometime afterward, the thought of eating that dish upset me because I didn't feel like I had the right (if that makes sense, don't know how else to phrase it).
  
• 
  
• I enjoy writing and drawing, and we collaborated on a few things, most of them unfinished (or at least finished to my own standards) and works-in-progress. I am mostly past the "break-up depression" period where I had no will to do the hobbies that I like, but I feel very hesitant to pick these collaborative projects back up, because of feelings.
  
• 
  
• A bunch of songs that I otherwise like, I associate some kind of connection between them and my ex. Things like that are easy to avoid, but at the same time, I like these songs for a reason and wouldn't want to stop listening to them forever.
  

Time probably can and will heal a lot of those wounds, but does anyone have any other advice about moving on and feeling better about things that I otherwise used to like or enjoy? And, is it even normal that I feel the way I do about some of those things? I mean, a special vacation place, I've heard other people have similar issues, but hobbies like cooking or gardening?

[Twidom]

There are a few songs that I've never heard again since my ex broke with me. Certain movies I never watched again. Certain books never read. Even some places I used to go, I don't anymore.

 

I think it is normal but at a certain degree. It's been literally a YEAR since my ex broke with me and I still can't do a few things... But that's me. Some people heal faster than others.

[saluk]

So normal. In thew few months after a breakup, the weirdest things would trigger a response. It was like 6 degrees of separation at times, like: this reminds me of that which reminds me of this which reminds me of that one time she said x about y. Reclaiming is a pretty good idea, but don't force it. For instance - get back into gardening, but try something that is not a cactus. Take a trip, but go somewhere new. Try starting a writing/drawing project, but pick a subject the two of you never talked about.

 

For 2 weeks after that breakup, I binge watched a brand new show, one that I didn't think she would have liked. The shows that we had watched together were just too difficult. For instance, I have been able to watch Doctor Who again, but it helps a lot that it is now a new actor in the role.

 

Ultimately go easy on yourself. Work toward healing, but don't force it.

[MostlyHopeful]

^ I agree whole-heartedly with not forcing it. Lots of things will bring up somewhat painful memories (or, rather, will bring up great memories which then produce that horrendous gut wrench).

 

It's entirely personal though. There are likely to be some things that you won't be able to face for a long time...songs and smells are usually the triggers for me. On the other hand, there are things which you shouldn't avoid for the sake of a short-term painful memory. Take the bandaid argument - sometimes you just need to do the thing you are trying to avoid. Like ripping off a bandaid - painful, but short term. Do the thing a few times and it becomes your own again, rather than the collective "ours".

There are a whole bunch of things my ex and I shared, most of which produced an emotional response after the breakup. It ranges from songs, to games, to TV shows, to the way he made scrambled eggs, to places we went. I am genuinely proud that 2 and half months on I am able to continue interacting with most of those things because I simply did not let them become painful memories. They are mine now, not ours. I personally believe that it helped my recovery, but again, it is entirely personal.

 

To answer your last point...it is so unbelievably normal to feel this way. Seemingly silly things invoke emotions that no one else can understand. At the beginning of my breakup I refused to go to particular places because of the associations with my ex. It's normal, it's part of the process. And, to be honest, I think that your outlook on it all is mostly positive. Having identified what you struggle with and articulating why you struggle with it, goes a long way to demonstrating your ability to want to move on and to want your own life back.

 

Ultimately, we will never forget those whom we loved and had an impact on our lives. The challenge is taking the positives they gave us and letting go of the negatives. Everything you've cited are positive memories and associations, despite the painful memories they are currently causing you. That pain will eventually dissipate and you will be left with a new life, new hobbies, new ways of doing things. Yes, she gave them to you, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing.

[LKDag]

I am genuinely proud that 2 and half months on I am able to continue interacting with most of those things because I simply did not let them become painful memories. They are mine now, not ours. I personally believe that it helped my recovery, but again, it is entirely personal.

Everyone is different obviously and what you did might not work for anyone else, but if you don't mind sharing, what kinds of things did you do to do that? When she first broke up with me, every memory was a painful memory, good or bad. I'm at the point where I can think of memories without getting that soul crushing depression feeling, but physical stuff and activities we enjoyed together, those are the things I'm still having issues with. I've been kicking the can down the road so far and haven't really even tried pushing through the negative feelings and general sense of unease I have of doing those kinds of activities mentioned above (luckily cacti don't need much attention, LOL!), but if there are things you or anyone else has done to help speed that process, I'm all ears.

[MostlyHopeful]

I think in the early stages I was so devastated anyway that I figured 'what harm will it do'. Some things took longer than others, some things I did almost immediately. There are still some things I haven't quite managed to face yet but i am getting there. I can't really say what it was that spurred that decision, or why I felt the need to continue doing certain things, because I simply don't know. Partly I think it's because I'm just a bit of a masochist

 

But, for example...we were working our way through the entire Friends series. He broke up with me when we had about 4 episodes left to go. It must have been a week or so after the break up and every time I saw the boxset I felt a desperate sadness that we had left it unfinished. It was so symbolic lol. I just decided that if I was going to be sad every time I looked at them, and if I was sad anyway, I might as well finish the episodes. So I did. Don't get me wrong, it still makes me a little sad because it is a memory, and I'm not quite to a place yet where those memories don't drag up some sort of emotion, but I felt like the worst of it was done (at least in that small, insignificant example). Rather than have it hanging over my head for goodness knows how long, I got it over and done with, you know?

 

I really loved the way he made scrambled eggs. I still can't quite make them as good as he did it, but I use his methods. Again, it was just a case of not wanting that memory and that sadness hanging over my head.

 

I've booked a trip to a city I know he loves, that we never got around to visiting when we were together. I don't want to live my life avoiding something I want to do because it's painful. It's not necessarily easy to do, the first time I went into our closest city (where we had a lot of dates and stayed there and such) it was painful and it bummed me out quite a bit. The second time I went, I barely registered that I associated it with him. I do believe that once it's done, it won't be so painful anymore. It's the idea of doing something that's the worst part.

 

As lame as those examples are (and there are quite a few more), I do think that getting on with it has helped me. It's not easy and I won't say that I'm over him or that I don't miss him, but I think the more you try and break past the barrier, the more you can readjust to life without them and understand what it means to do things for you. Breaking up is hard for so many reasons, not least because suddenly things you did as a couple become things you have to do on your own. It's a transitional thing. And I simply decided to push forward with the transition process which in turn is aiding my recovery. I am not healed, but I am healing and have come such a long way in those 2 and half months.

 

FYI there is a poem called Cacti by Matthew Sweeney. It relates to break ups, though it really rather focuses on the 'not letting go' aspect of a breakup. Anyway, you cactus thing just reminded me of it

 

I wish you all the best with your recovery. I do believe you will get to a point where the things you love to do and want to do will happen...sometimes it just takes a little while, a little motivation and a little support.

[Grace696]

I can strongly relate to this, OP, though for me it was not really ever about feeling guilty, but purely about the association being too painful because it reminded me of the loss.

 

For me, it just took time. Some things I pushed through immediately: there was a podcast we both loved and I felt almost a defiance, like "you're not taking this away from me, too!", so I kept listening to it and it soon became "mine". Other things have taken years. The final breakup was 3 years ago, and slowly, I've got most things back to where they cause barely a pang. There are still songs I avoid though. And I think it will take more years and the cocoon of a new happy relationship to ever get me to go back to London, where the ex and I lived happily for years...

 

I would suggest taking it slowly, and, as others have said, not forcing it.

[LKDag]

It's the idea of doing something that's the worst part.

I've been thinking about that part a bit: I wonder if it's easier to just push yourself through these kinds of things early, or slowly work yourself to be able to. With the first option, the hurt is fresher, so it probably is harder to do so, but the quicker you conquer your emotions, the more time you have to heal and get on with those things you otherwise enjoy. With the second option, you have more time to ease into things and emotionally prepare yourself, but obviously you're losing out on time doing things you like, and by almost putting your 'pain on a pedestal', I wonder if it's harder to push through.

 

I can strongly relate to this, OP, though for me it was not really ever about feeling guilty, but purely about the association being too painful because it reminded me of the loss.

I definitley feel emotional pain because those and other things remind me of the loss, but I've never really given much thought to a guilty angle. I wonder if that's where part of the pain comes from, our subconsciousnesses trying to guilt trip us. "How can you want to try to think/do happy things when you're supposed to be sad?"; "How can you want to try to think/do happy things that 'aren't yours'?"

[MostlyHopeful]

and by almost putting your 'pain on a pedestal', I wonder if it's harder to push through.

You've quite possibly hit the nail on the head there. Some people wear their pain like a badge of honour ("look what I have been through!") and others, consciously or not, make pain the biggest focus in their lives. It's as if pain is the most controlling emotion a person can have...every decision revolves around whether or not it might hurt, every experience tainted by the pain. I don't think people want it to be there, but the continuous thought of it means you are allowing it to be there. Unfortunately pain is not something that can be switched off, you just feel it until you don't.

 

Building up to some stuff might be necessary. But in all honesty, how can you prepare? You don't really know how you will react until it happens and constantly thinking that it will hurt is almost like a self fulfilling prophecy. I'm certainly not saying "dive in" if you don't think you are ready, but avoidance isn't going to make it any easier when it does eventually come around. If you had slept for the last 2 months in order to avoid all the pain, would you, upon waking, not be upset anymore? Nope...because pain has to be felt before it leaves.

[Pablo]

I was dumped five months ago and I still can't see some shows or listen to songs that reminds me of her. I avoid hurtful places completely, I don't know if it's the sane way to go, but I can't bear going through that right now.

 

I relate with your feelings LKDag, hope that time will change this and bring happier days.

[LKDag]

So, I was listening to my iPod (who even does that anymore!?) and a song went on that made me think of her. Not exactly super emotional memories, but I remember she told me that the song was one of her dad's favorites before he died. That was the first thing I thought of when the song started, and I got the urge to skip it. But I didn't. At first it felt weird, and I felt a little uncomfortable, but midway through the song, I was busy doing what I was doing on the computer and it didn't even phase me that I was supposed to be feeling mushy. Not exactly something that we strong connection over, or something that sparked a really bittersweet memory, but baby steps I guess.