Lost and Struggling

[zacharcole1993]

Honestly I don't know where to start, it's not just one that's getting to me and causing me to feel the way I do. It's multiple things. I've been stuck in a slump for over a year now. I would say it's been a whole lifetime of hardships and whatnot and it has been but I can't sit here and say I hate my life because I don't. I hate the things that have and are going on in my life. My parents divorced when I was 2 or 3 I can't remember. I lived my dad who was in the military so we moved around alot. My family werec always out of state so I haven't spent tons of time with my family. The bad things is I feel like a stranger to alot of family members. My brother moved with my mom when he was 16. I felt like he left me in the situation. I never left because I was always scared of what my dad would do. He's been an alcoholic his whole life and has always taken his anger and stress out on me because there was no one else but me and him. I was abused. Mentally, verbally, and physically. And it wasn't something that got better over time. I'm 20 almost 21 and it goes on and on and on. It doesn't matter how hard I've tried over the years to make him proud of me. He's dissoned my other 2 siblings and I'm scared he'll do the same to me. He's always down my throat about everything no matter if I do good. I've never been able to do good enough. I was sheltered and never really went out with friends. I never really had alot of friends. It's always been hard for me to talk to people. I'm scared of them rejecting me. I'm insecure about everything. How I look. How I am. My personality. The list goes on. Looking back now it's hard, realizing I never really had a childhood. The bad outweighs the good. I've always felt like I wasn't good enough for anything. I still don't. Yeah I talk to my mom every now and again but that only does so much. I don't have a relationship my dad. We barley talk, majority of the time I come home I go straight to my room and close the door. It's the safest place to me but yet I feel trapped in here. I recently got out of a relationship with a girl of 2 years and it ended badly. She made me feel worth something. The first time in my life that I actually felt like I meant something to somebody. She left me and it put me back in the same spot as before I met her but only worse because I'm still stuck on her. And I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel just straight darkness. I've been smoking weed for the past 3 years and it's my only escape from my everyday struggle. The problem with that is I get high and I lose motivation to do anything so I retreat back to my room just to endure more in. I want to get out and work out. Meet people. Have fun that I didn't get to have when I was younger. I'm in school for the second time because the first time I failed out and had to pay 7k back because of it. My dad rushed me intoit, I told him I wasn't ready. But I'm back in now. It's hard though because I wake up every morning dreading leaving my room because I have to go put on a fake smile because I don't want anyone to know I'm hurting and that I have alot of issues. Schools a struggle, works a struggle, everyday life is a struggle. I lie to my mom and tell her I'm doing okay when I'm not. My dad doesn't have the slightest clue what's going on in my life. My brother asks me for money every time I talk to him. I don't have a relationship with my sister. I've lost 2 grandparents and by how it looks now about to be 3. I'm not close with alot of my aunt's and uncles, my cousinds and so on. I don't have any friends, I have people I talk to. So who am I suppose to talk to? They say talking about it helps, how can I help myself if I have no one to talk to? I'm so frustrated because I don't know what to do. It's like I feel I'm all alone on this but I can't be. I know I'm not the only one that's dealt with this. The sad part is everything that I've typed to this point is only a quarter of my problems. I can sit her and bring up every situation in my life to date that has affected me the wrong way one after another. It would be to much to sit here and type my whole life story but I know nobody wants to here it all. I'm not suicidal although I've had my thoughts just like many others. I just wake up everyday just to say let's get it over with. I try to stay strong. That's hard when your will to live is diminished every single day. I fall asleep saying tomorrow will be better. It has yet to get better. I'm fighting a losing battle and I'm tired of it. How much can one person take before they give up? I tell myself not to give up everyday. I fight for myself. I fight everyday for myself. I just question how much longer and how much more I can take. It's like I don't have a choice. All I know is loneliness. I don't want to be lonely.