I have these weird feelings

[Snow2tears]

I don’t want to bore you, but I’m coming to terms with my old ways of thinking that I find so troubling.For the past few weeks, any kind of bad feeling I’ve experienced seems to be strictly emotional.And while those feelings can be troubling at times, I can at least be confident that they’re real, and that they’ll improve.Right now I’m reminded of the kind of mental problems that I used to experience, that are so empty and senseless but persist anyways.

 

It all starts when I entertain some dark thought lingering in the back of my mind and then don’t put it to rest because it somehow convinces me that it needs my attention; that whatever it’s telling me needs to be resolved because it serves as a threat to my wellbeing and happiness.But it is impossible to resolve, because in entertaining the thought, I give life to the one thing that I think I truly fear: not being able to escape my thoughts.Soon that thought manifests itself in between every other thought I have, and then everything slowly loses clarity.

 

The thought leeches onto every possible spawn of an emotion and slowly dulls my experience of the world, so that I can’t find enjoyment in the things I know I’m supposed to enjoy, I can’t conduct my attention for long enough to do the things I know I’m supposed to do, I can’t even truly feel my sadness and despair.Life just revolves around finding the resolution to elusive but ever-present thoughts, which permanently reside in my mind because they are devoid of reason and can never be resolved; they can never be put to rest.I know how foolish it must seem that I ever entertain these purposeless, hollow thoughts, but somehow they seem so relevant when I feel so happy.

 

I understand their nature and know that I will never be able to find a logical solution to them, but something in my mind always forces them to the forefront of my thinking.It’s as though I can’t believe how in control I my life I feel, so I rack my mind for one of these thoughts to bring me back down to earth, and in doing so, the thought always manages to take control of me.I just know that I never ever ever want to end up under the control of these thoughts again.

[trust101]

Sometimes, ignorance is bliss.

 

When you have resolved your emotional dilemma in your mind how do you feel then? The world is chaotic as it is. It is impossible to avoid austerity in the modern world with a vast array of matters that need to be resolved. Once they are, more arrive interminably.

 

I don't really know how to answer & what is your specific concern? To eradicate or abate these thoughts? I use to get them all the time. I use to cry & cry & visualise my misfortunes & how they will exacerbate if I don't take care of all these issues going on in my life. There is no point, I realised, as my life would always be complicated & one step away from total failure. So what did I do...I ignored all my problems, took some time to clear my head by doing things I enjoy, & then coming back to try & solve them one at a time, with a nonchalant approach. I just thought, we are destined for demise anyway (& by this I mean death), so unless there were things I could attend to that would provide me with immortality, I would not let them thwart me any longer. Hope that helps, if it doesn't it's okay as I still get those rough days & nights but they are less frequent now.

[Snow2tears]

Possibly, but most of them are just intrusive distractions that permeate through my thoughts whether I want them to or not.I’ve found that the only way to actually stop thinking about them is to realize that there is no way to properly face them.It would be difficult for me to type out now, but I think if you knew just just how senseless these thoughts were, you’d probably agree that they can’t actually be resolved.

 

They’re mostly centred around ideas like “What if everything that I think I know right now; all the frameworks of thinking that I exercise regularly, all the things that I do on a regular basis, all of the knowledge that I use to make decisions, is simply wrong?What if I actually know nothing, and tomorrow none of the things that I think I know will actually serve me in life?What if everything just stops making sense and I descend into a world of chaos and despair, devoid of any reason?What if these thoughts I’m having now are fundamentally flawed as well, and I’m approaching this completely wrong? What if I’ve been missing something my whole life, and there is actually is a grand solution to this paradox?What if nothing else in life never truly makes sense until I find the answer to it?”

 

The questions keep coming until they seep their way into every independently arising thought I have, drawing their validity into question and then tearing them apart, so that slowly everything loses clarity and I can’t be convinced that I actually “know” anything.

[trust101]

Are you yourself aware of how senseless they are? If you are certain they cannot be solved then don't embark upon this neverending, self-detrimental journey of trying to achieve a resolution. I think you should just let these thoughts persist & plunge yourself into this chaos so that you slowly build endurance towards it eventually leading to total immunity. Like how they make a vaccine for a potent disease. Just my 2 cents from someone that has experience a major crisis after another. Now I'm ok. I've built this impregnability towards any foreseable catastrophe, just thinking in my head 'what is the worst that can happen. Oh okay, that is the worst thing. If that happens, so what, I'll still survive & be even more resilient.'

 

For some reason I'm remembering this episode of Seinfeld (don't know if you watched the show) where George Costanza realised he has been doing the wrong thing his whole life & from then on decides to do the opposite of what he would normally do. He benefits from it for a while. I don't know why my point is for mentioning that but don't assume it's wrong...Realise it's perspective.