Looking to start over with her but it's not going to be easy and could use help

[LKDag]

My girlfriend of six years broke up with me. I didn’t see it coming. There were signs that things were strained, looking back knowing what I know now, but very rarely did I feel like the relationship was coming undone. A few days before, we were literally planning a long weekend vacation.

 

Me: 28, I guess I have some pretty big self-esteem issues that result in me not wanting to speak my mind, for fear of causing conflict and rocking the boat. I’m very shy, and pretty introverted. I didn’t grow up in a rough home, per se, but I compare my family unit (myself, mother, sister) to the people from the Roseanne sitcom- we’re kind of crude, mean to each other, and get into little arguments all the time, but underneath it all we’re all very loyal and loving to each other and none of us ever need to ask the other to know.

 

Her: 33, was diagnosed with high functioning autism that manifests itself mostly as being kind of ditzy, acting “proper” all the time (always addressing me by my full name, as opposed to pet names), repeating the same questions/topics within a relatively short period of time (asking how I feel about something specific multiple times, sometimes within minutes of me asking), and bringing up topics at inappropriate moments (asking me questions about a movie in the middle of sex). As a result, she also has self-esteem and depression issues from growing up and “being weird” as compared to other kids/teens/young adults that she’s on medicine for. She has her own place, but family members help her out with a lot of “basic things” that she has trouble with as a result- bills, driving, and a few other things. She’s a little spoiled because of that too, having people do those things for her that she probably could handle with no problems.

 

Over the last year or so, I think that we were fighting a little more than we had with each other in the past, but with the exception of one fight- the only real major fight in our relationship- they were all relatively minor kind of things. I don’t mean that in the sense that the issues brought up were trivial, but that the surface problems of each specific incident was generally addressed and resolved in a way that made both of us happy- in other words, neither one of us would be angry with the other when the conversation was over (at least on the surface). I didn’t necessarily see these increased tiffs as necessarily bad things. Maybe it was me trying to rationalize it, but butting heads sometimes seemed like a good thing- I was comfortable enough with the strength of our relationship to not afraid to act like myself, or put myself first, in certain situations without fear of pushing her away (and I assume her likewise).

 

We went to a local fair that we were planning to go to for a while, and while the trip wasn’t a complete disaster, it was the final nail in things looking back. We enjoyed most of the day, but the fun was sandwiched by us butting heads right when we got there and right at the end when we were leaving. I don’t remember exactly what caused us to butt heads at the beginning- we didn’t have a map and were just kind of aimlessly wandering around looking for things it made her angry when I wasn’t sure where things were- but the fight we had when leaving will be forever burned in my mind. We got past that initial incident and had a fun three, four hours at the fair. On the way to the parking lot, we stopped off at the bathrooms before driving home. She went first, and then I went. When I got out, she handed me back the water bottle I was carrying all day. Without any kind of emotion to it, I said, “You can carry it…Anyway, my hands are still wet.” She was kind of taken aback and became very agitated and passive aggressive. I felt under attack for no reason, and I lost my cool, responding to her in an agitated manner. This went on for a minute or so before she kind of ditched me- she’s tall and walks fast, I’m short and walk slower- walking back to the parking lot. The half hour trip back to her house was silent, with her alternating between seeming angry and sniffing. I asked her a few times midway through to talk to me, but she didn’t. When we got back to her house, she didn’t want to talk to me and told me to go home (which I did).

 

The next day (a Monday), she sent me a text saying we needed to talk and asking when I could come over to her place (about an hour from where I live). I have weird hours, so I told her I really wouldn’t be able to until later in the week (not knowing what she wanted to talk about- I figured she was angry at me and we were going to talk about that fight, as we had done with other fights in the past). I worked an overnight shift the next day and was sleeping that afternoon when I got a call from her. Over that four minute call, she broke up with me, saying that I didn’t care enough about her opinions and that we just weren’t compatible. I had just woken up, and was obviously shell shocked, and the gravity of everything didn’t really set in until the next day. I gave her a call asking her to call me back so we could talk about everything (which she didn’t).

 

I was rational enough to realize that going crazy and bugging her wouldn’t help anything, so I started a form of no contact before I starting looking online for relationship/break-up help. Over the course of two weeks, I sent her one text and left her one voicemail, both of them asking her to call me back so we could talk. Still no answer. After the third week, I got myself all worked up and did something stupid- I went to go see her, unannounced. I had some semi-expensive books of hers that I had recently borrowed anyway, so I brought them with me. I didn’t bring the boom box with me, but in my mind, it was going to be one of those movie scenes. She was understandably angry when I rang the bell and ignored me. I waited about ten minutes before she finally called me and told me to leave. I told her I just wanted to talk, and she agreed to call me back later that night. She did, and went into a little more detail about why she broke the relationship off, but I still felt her reasons were a little vague. All in all, definitely not my finest moment, that day.

 

At this point, I had done a bit of online relationship/break-up research, and I started no-contact. I did a lot of reflecting on what she told me and gave a lot of thought to my own flaws, and I independently came up with a few things were I thought I went wrong (I say that with a little bit of pride because I think doing something like that on your own carries a little more weight than a third party like a therapist telling you for you). After about three weeks of full no-contact, I sent her an innocent text to test the waters. Understanding we aren’t in a relationship, I asked if I could call her to apologize and to get stuff off my chest. She agreed, and we spoke for about five minutes, where I apologized for showing up at her house, explaining how I was feeling and why I did so. I was feeling really mushy though, so I wasn’t able to get stuff off my chest- but she agreed that I could call a few days later. I wrote down all my specific talking points that I wanted to bring up and we had about a half hour conversation. Again, I started feeling mushy and nervous and anxious as I was reading from my “notes”, so I glossed over one area that I had written out in a little more detail, but I overall conveyed my own issues, how I felt, and that I wanted to rehabilitate our relationship. She was not interested, saying she was sticking with her decision, but at the same time said that she didn’t want to completely erase me from her life and wanted to stay friendly.

 

I’m well aware of how that could be “have your cake and eat it too”, but from my point of view, open lines of communication are better than none. I was feeling good about things, the best since the break-up. I felt like I didn’t have to worry about her completely disappearing from my life and that I would have the ability to show her that I had taken to heart all of the issues that she brought up and was actively correcting them.

 

Because I was feeling more confident and had a brighter outlook on life, it felt like a good idea to send her some flowers at work- she mentioned that I didn’t do things like that enough, and like I wanted to show that not only did I heard her concerns and criticisms, but I was also acting on improving and/or fixing those faults. I specifically shied away from romantic looking rose bouquets, and settled on a colorful assortment of seasonal flowers. On the note, I wasn’t pushy and just said, “I know you like flowers. They can’t fix things but they do make the day brighter. Enjoy!” A little bit after, I started having second thoughts, but at that point, the order was already in, so it was too late. The flowers were delivered but it’s been a couple days now, and I haven’t gotten any kind of response from her. Not that I’m fishing for compliments or thanks, but the silence coupled with the second thoughts I was having about sending them, I started getting unsettled again. After almost a week of feeling confident and (mostly) pain free, I feel like I took a bunch of steps back in coping. Even when at work or doing other stuff that has in the past gotten my mind off of things, I feel myself obsessing on all kind of different scenarios. Too much too soon, and she’s angry? If so, why did she accept them? Or maybe she didn’t accept them- on the e-mail delivery receipt, it said that the flowers were signed for after she (normally) leaves her office. Did someone else accept them and then take them for themselves? Maybe she called in sick and hasn’t gone in to work yet, where the flowers will be waiting for her? I’m calm right now, but I guess that shows that I’m still in a fragile kind of state of mind, where my mental walls aren’t as strong as I’d like to think.

 

Regardless of what happens with that, I plan on sending her a text- when she mentioned staying friendly, she specifically mentioned texting each other- next week asking her about her backyard garden and generally just keeping it light. My eventual goal is to be able to maybe see a movie with her in December- we saw the first two Hobbit movies together, and wanting to see the third with her to complete the series feels like it could be a natural, organic way to test the waters to see how close we might be able to reconnect and taking it from there.

 

Reflecting on our relationship, I can’t help but constantly think of the one between my cousin and her fiancé. They dated for a few years, but they broke up because he was too much of a “bro”, if that makes sense- think Jersey Shore. A little time passed, but he changed the way he acted, and the two of them got back together- they are now happily engaged. After I identified the issues in my own personality and how I act that appear to have caused the rift between the two of us, I’ve done plenty of research into looking how to fix them, and have begun implementing those changes into my daily routine, whether they be just thinking more positively, or talking up more, or whatever. I know nobody changes like that overnight, so I know that it’s not like a week can go by, I can say I fixed all of these issues, and that everything will be better. But, 80% of the things that either she mentioned or I believe is a problem is a fixable thing. It’s not like either one of us cheated. It’s not like either one of us was abusive towards the other. It’s not like one of us has suddenly developed a personality trait that would make the relationship unstable (a drug addiction or alcoholism, for example). I need to work on issues pertaining to self-esteem and communication, I’m dedicated, and I know I will be able to become a more expressive and communicative person (and not to put fault completely on myself, she has faults of her own that contributed to our relationship breaking down). It just scares me that I might do all this work to better myself, and in the end she either hasn’t changed her stance or isn’t interested anymore. Yeah, I know, even in that case, I’ll be a better person having done all of that, but it’ll still feel so devastating. Maybe by that point- a few weeks, a few months- I’ll be more at peace with everything, and it won’t hurt as much, but right now, it scares me.

 

One thing that really bothers me is the fact that it appears to me that she took the easy way out in just calling our six year relationship a day. She goes to a therapist intermittently, owing to her health issues mentioned above; I don’t understand why she did not propose the two of us seeing a relationship therapist before all of this happened, or why she was not interested in doing so when I suggested we do when we talked for the first time since she broke up with me. I feel like it’s, to use an analogy, amputating a limp when disease is damaging it without putting much effort into trying different medicines or less extreme techniques to save it.

 

So, I don’t know. I’m just looking for advice, tips, strategies, people that can empathize, whatever. Sorry for the length, but that was just a little therapeutic to write, and I just felt like I should keep going. I included all of the basics, but obviously can elaborate on things.

[mhowe]

Cheating and abuse are no brainers to end a relationship.

 

Constant fighting, low self esteem, constant agitation over minor things ------death by being pecked by a duck.

 

You don't need strategy, advice or tips. You need to accept her decision. It takes 2 to make a relationship reconcile, and she doesn't want that.

[JDMxTeGrA101]

This is how my ex was. She wanted consistent attention and appreciation and validity. We've been broke up for a month now and I'm still not over her. We broke up last year aswell and begged her back. Surprised her with flowers, told her she was beautiful everyday, took her out to dinner, fancy dinners aswell, and took her on several vacations which we enjoyed and she ended up breaking up with me for "not being compatible" reason. Surprised it took her 4 years to say that.

 

My advice is to walk away no matter how hard it is. Don't contact her unless she contacts you and play it cool. Let her clear her mind for now and don't make any attempt to contact her.

 

For now the best advice I can give you is start planning stuff with friends and stay busy/active

[mhowe]

This is how my ex was. She wanted consistent attention and appreciation and validity. We've been broke up for a month now and I'm still not over her. We broke up last year aswell and begged her back. Surprised her with flowers, told her she was beautiful everyday, took her out to dinner, fancy dinners aswell, and took her on several vacations which we enjoyed and she ended up breaking up with me for "not being compatible" reason. Surprised it took her 4 years to say that.

 

My advice is to walk away no matter how hard it is. Don't contact her unless she contacts you and play it cool. Let her clear her mind for now and don't make any attempt to contact her.

 

For now the best advice I can give you is start planning stuff with friends and stay busy/active

 

In your case, it was incompatible life goals and values. Your gf was looking for progress, not validity. She validated herself.

[90_hour_sleep]

Cheating and abuse are no brainers to end a relationship.

 

Constant fighting, low self esteem, constant agitation over minor things ------death by being pecked by a duck.

 

You don't need strategy, advice or tips. You need to accept her decision. It takes 2 to make a relationship reconcile, and she doesn't want that.

 

I agree. With your self-proclaimed self-esteem issues, I'd say the most important thing you can do in your life at this moment, is choose to look at this in terms of opportunity. Opportunity to work on yourself. It's the only thing you can do really. Investing your energy in the idea of being together again will destroy you emotionally. Nothing is more painful than holding on to something that is done. And...it's done. Even if you were to end up together again sometime in the future...if it's not something new where you've both evolved as people, you'll just end up falling into the same patterns.

 

Growth. Now is the time to work through your own life baggage. It will never be more apparent than it is now. And, pain has an interesting way of motivating.

 

This is going to hurt for awhile. I'm right there with you, my friend. I joined this site 5 years ago after the end of a 6 year relationship. I would've done anything to get her back. But you know, looking at it from a place of complete peace and clarity at this point in my life...I can't imagine what my life would look like now had she agreed to that. Sure glad she was strong enough for both of us to MOVE ON.

 

And...now I'm here again. Another long-term relationship has come to its close. I feel the same in a lot of ways. Some of the details are different obviously. But, it feels the same. The sensations I mean. It hurts.

 

I think about being with her...but I know in my own heart that this is for the best. It's exactly what we both need. The relationship was actually causing both of us a lot of emotional harm. It was draining...because we were stuck...so stuck. When that happens...you break up, because you can't see any other way forward. Other options don't feel like other options.

 

So...it's tough be rational right now...but it's worth asking yourself honest questions. Is it HER you want...or is it the comfort of being with someone...anyone? Could be it's her. And that's fine. But you also have to ask yourself if you'd really be any different. Change takes time. I mean...real change. Lasting...genuine change can take years to achieve. It takes massive amounts of energy. Ask yourself if your realizations really go deep enough. Has anything really changed?

 

Back off. As hard as it is...you have to do it. Do it for yourself.

 

Feel for you, man. Breakups are hard. Excruciating sometimes. We're right there with you though. You'll get through this, and you'll be all the wiser for it.

[LKDag]

But you also have to ask yourself if you'd really be any different. Change takes time. I mean...real change. Lasting...genuine change can take years to achieve. It takes massive amounts of energy. Ask yourself if your realizations really go deep enough. Has anything really changed?

This is one of the more difficult things, in my mind. I'm willing to put in the time, effort, and energy into correcting as many percieved faults as I can, but in the (likely, sadly) event that she doesn't care, I feel like all that work would've been a waste. I know deep down that it really isn't- if I make myself a better person, a more confident person, a more communicative person- and that any self improvement will help me for the rest of my life, but it's still hard to measure that improvement in relationship to my "relationship with life", as opposed to my relationship with her.

[90_hour_sleep]

This is one of the more difficult things, in my mind. I'm willing to put in the time, effort, and energy into correcting as many percieved faults as I can, but in the (likely, sadly) event that she doesn't care, I feel like all that work would've been a waste. I know deep down that it really isn't- if I make myself a better person, a more confident person, a more communicative person- and that any self improvement will help me for the rest of my life, but it's still hard to measure that improvement in relationship to my "relationship with life", as opposed to my relationship with her.

 

Ya. I know what you mean. I think it's an ego thing. It feels like it would appease the sense of rejection to get some validation from that person you felt so close to. Because in reality, relationships are all about sharing...so it's a natural desire to want to share your growth.

 

It gets better. The more you begin to develop, and really work with the places you feel need work, the less importance you place on being validated in that way. And you'll find that you're getting the validation you do need from other places. Part of the process. I have to keep reminding myself of this. I know it...but I'm still feeling quite raw on the emotional spectrum.

 

At some point it doesn't matter if you don't get to share with her. It loses its luster. It happens around the time of acceptance...where you shift from your own anxious desires to a place of relative calm, and gratitude. Sometimes I find it helps to think about that.