Mostly Hopeful

[MostlyHopeful]

I am here because I am hurting, because I am still hopeful, because I am trying to be realistic and because, quite frankly, I have no one else to talk to.

 

My relationship ended a month and a half ago. I am aware it is still early days as far as healing is concerned but this has been agonising. Never before have I felt this devastated over a relationship break down. He left me unexpectedly, saying he had a lot going on and that he couldn't be in a relationship at the moment.

I've spoken to him only briefly since, to ask for some money he owes me and a clarification as to why he left me. I wanted closure though he was not prepared to give it to me. Today has been a month since that last text.

 

He swore I had done nothing wrong and he swore that there was nobody else. On that last point I am inclined to believe him. He is the most respectful, honest person I could ever have hoped to meet. As to the first point, I'm not sure. I think being respectful has overridden honest in that scenario and he doens't want to crush me with the truth. Looking back I wonder if I fell into a rut, or a 'too comfortable' zone whilst with him and this wasn't the exciting and fulfilling relationship it had once been. Whether he thought these things I just don't know, maybe I'll never know. Perhaps he didn't know them when he ended it, but he is likely to have thought them now.

 

I have been finding it hard to come to terms with the split, not helped by the fact that I seem to have no one to speak to. Initially all my friends rushed to my side and listened to me grieve. A week later there seemed to be very little urgency in seeing how I was. I understand it is hard for people in happy relationships to relate to the distress of a break up and I know it gets boring to listen to after a while. I think one of the bigger factors is "You'll be ok". It's a fair point and I know it won't kill me and one day, whenever that may be, I will be ok. On that basis I think people can forget that the hurt you feel now doesn't feel like it's ever going to end. That just because one day you'll be ok, does not mean you are ok right now.

 

I have many thoughts and feelings on the breakup. Sometimes positive, sometimes negative. Sometimes I am hopeful, sometimes realistic. I want to write it all out so it doesn't fester too long in my consciousness.

[notalady]

Sorry to hear about your break up. How long have you been together?

 

Sounds odd that he would break up with you over nothing. If you're in a rut, you communicate that and you work on spicing things up, not just jump ship..

[MostlyHopeful]

Not long in the grand scheme of things, 9 months. Not my shortest, but not my longest either. I thought we had a great connection and great time but that must have been a very one sided opinion. The short time span of the relationship may have been something to do with the fact that there was no "wiggle room" to work things out - perhaps he was just not as connected to me as I was to him Thank you for the reply x

[MostlyHopeful]

Reflection is very important to the healing process (or so I keep reading). It is necessary to take stock, evaluate and accept what went wrong. All very sensible in theory but not so much in practice I find. Not least because my mind feels somewhat fogged by emotion. It's also hard to admit to oneself that you might have had more to do with the break up that you originally believed. Or, worse, that the circumstances were simply against you, and no amount of communication or love would resolve that.

 

Out of the fog I have plucked a few (likely) truths. They are hard to stomach but are truths nonetheless.

 

1) He is not ready. During the breakup conversation he stated that there was a lot going on in his life that he needs to focus on and sort out. He claimed to be independent, a free spirit. He felt he was unable to be a good boyfriend. He later confirmed via text that he didn't want a relationship at the moment.

Hard to admit. Hard to remember. But there we have it. He is not in a position to be my boyfriend. Or anyone's boyfriend (so he claims!). My argument here was that I had never put him under pressure to be or do anything other what he was comfortable with. I am a relatively independent person myself - I live alone, I have lots of work to do, I did not rely or depend on him for anything. Still...it's not what he wants. To be fair, he only finished a 7-8 year stint at uni a few months before we got together, I imagine there is a still a lot of "youth" in him that doesn't want to be tied down (FYI I hate the phrase "tied down" like a partner is some sort of trap or manacle that is preventative rather than exploratory and nurturing).

 

2) Personal Lives/Living situations. We had a semi long distance relationship, in that he lived and worked in the city and I lived just outside it. With my son. Both those factors meant that I was less likely to be able to be spontaneous and that meeting up wasn't a case of popping over whenever we felt like. It had to be arranged (sort of...it wasn't that much of a distance, still a little inconvenient though). We would spend an evening in the week together if neither were busy and the weekends. This became a burden on him (so I believe) as it meant he had to pack up some stuff and travel half an hour into my town. It meant he had less time for his friends or just to be alone.

Again I would argue that this was never my arrangement. He started coming over every weekend, never asked me to come to him (I would invite myself when my son was with his dad), and since I was ok with it all I never brought it up for discussion. I was also perfectly ok if he wanted to spend the weekend with friends. I personally believe he imagined the pressure, and wasn't too good at communicating his feelings about it. He also started up this relationship knowing that this was the case. From my point of view, it was ideal - we wouldn't get bored, we still had our own lives, we didn't live in each others' pockets to get on each others' nerves. Clearly it wasn't what he wanted in the end though.

3) I got stuck in a rut/negative I openly moaned about my job but felt compelled to stay whilst I receive the training the the expereince I need to move forward into something more significant. I had a pretty rough summer and didn't hold back when he asked how my day was (never directed at him, just wanted sympathy). I complained about certain friends and family situations. This is all normal I would imagine, but I did all this despite knowing he hates inactivity and negative attitudes. I wrongly believed that he didn't mind the negatives coming from me because I was his girlfriend, he cared about me and would want to support me. WRONG!

 

None of these were specifically stipulated in the breakup (apart from the first one). Whether I have over analysed or he was just trying to protect my feelings, I doubt I'll ever know. But so far, these are the most coherent thoughts I have managed to articulate. There will be more no doubt. Some so major that one would wonder why I never thought of them before, some so trivial one may wonder why they would even occur to me.

 

So, reflection is the aim of the game at the moment. It seems like the most positive step forward. I've also made a list of things I need to improve on, for myself (not him), but I can't be bothered to type all that now. Maybe tomorrow.

[notalady]

"He later confirmed via text that he didn't want a relationship at the moment." This is the key reason and only thing you need to know. The rest are all your speculations and I don't see them as deal breakers given it had gone on for 9 months. Half an hour travel is nothing and everyone complains about work/life at some point. You don't need to keep looking for reasons why it ended, he already gave you the simple and plain truth, he wasn't ready for a relationship. Things probably got too serious for him and he chickened out.

[MostlyHopeful]

^ I know it's the "big" reason (hence why it's up the top there) but I always think it's worth thinking a bit harder about things. I've heard the "I don't want a relationship" line multiple times, in fact all bar one breakup (incidentally the only break up that I instigated) has been for this reason. And in all cases they moved on to someone else within a month or two. That was always pretty hard to stomach. Sometimes it's the truth and then someone comes along to change their mind. Sometimes it's a naff excuse. The point is that I have learned through experience that there is a reason why they/he no longer want a relationship with me. And I would be naive to think that he is going to remain single for the foreseeable future. I, personally, think it's better for me to look further than what was cited as the "excuse" and think about what sort of person I am and how I can move on and improve (if that makes sense?).

 

*****

 

Today has been an up and down sort of day. I want that treatment from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind where all memories associated with your ex are removed.

I watched that for the first time whilst in a blissful "couple" state. I thought to myself that I would never, ever remove a memory of an ex. All the good times, gone. All the pain that crafted you into what you are today, gone. I'm sure in a few months I will feel like that again but today I just want his memory gone, and the pain that comes with it.

 

I have finally stopped crying though...at least every day. I'm sure there will be more tearful moments to come. A song, a photograph, a TV show, a souvenir (see why I want the memories gone!!!) Maybe it will be the next time I see him. I don't know when that will be but I imagine it will happen...I'm very good friends with his brother (how we met!). I'm trying not to think about it. I did all the right things when we split. I deleted his messages, I took down his photographs, I washed my sheets so they no longer smelled like him, I boxed up anything he left behind and took it to his brother's. I did not want my healing process disturbed by constant reminders. It still hasn't been easy though.

 

I'm going to take a course in Italian once the childcare module is over. I've proven to myself that I can manage the workload alongside everything else and I've always wanted to learn a language so here is my opportunity. One of my self improvement/things to focus on/you're still an awesome person goals

[notalady]

So you're saying none of your ex's (except for maybe one) actually communicated to you that there is a problem with the relationship and work on it or even break up because of it, it's always "I'm not ready for a relationship"?

 

If that's the case it might benefit to look into whether you are always attracted to emotionally unavailable men OR men who have really poor communication skills. Because it sounds unusual that that is always the reason. When I break up, I always know the exact reasons, either I or the guy would say "this relationship is not working, we have these problems etc".

 

Yes it may be that there are qualities about you that they don't feel attracted to and therefore they don't want to commit to you, but you are who you are, it's not something wrong with you, it's that they are just not attracted to you, and you need to start picking men who are more compatible with you. As the reasons you cited above are not causes for break ups. The negativity, if happens frequently, could be annoying for some, but I know plenty of women who are like that still happily married, I highly doubt it's that. I'm not saying it's right to be negative and continuing to improve yourself, for your own benefit, is a good thing. But I think you need to focus more on the men you are choosing.

 

Do you always clarify with them what they are looking for with you when you first start dating?