New Journal - Sorting out Life and Self - Challenging My Consumerist Lifestyle

[lifesatrip]

Hello, I never thought I'd start any kind of public journal, but I have reached a point where private journaling often makes me feel isolated and brooding. The idea of having readers who might offer tidbits of support now and then is appealing. I will hopefully keep enough real details out to protect my identity in the unlikely occurrence that someone from real life might read this.

 

I am currently studying abroad, about to start an internship tomorrow. I'm living in a foreign city where I know no one except my new host family. It should be interesting. My primary stress now, as in my life back home, is crippling shyness which has been more or less suffocating me since I was a teen. (I'm now in early 20s). I spent high school basically mute. College was a little better, made a few aquaintances and one very close friend. But I struggle with extreme social anxiety still. It's really hard especially because I think I'm the type of person that needs a high level of intimate connection and support. I've spent most of my life hating myself. Over the past years I have been trying to grapple with my current reality which at times feels like a waking nightmare. This year has been a little better luckily. I've been in counseling for a while and that combined with attempts to constantly push myself past my edge, combined with this study abroad (escape) opportunity seems to be slowly but steadily wearing down some of my old thought patterns which have literally kept me in a cruel and unusual imprisonment within my own mind for a LONG time.

 

When I was a child I had lots of friends, and socializing was so rewarding. Now I find it so hard to socialize. It's so, so draining. For a while I was starting to think I had chronic fatigue syndrome, but then I realized that I have a literal phobia. Every day I am confronted by this phobia. I have to fight my way through feelings of panic, helplessness, etc. during some of the most simple interactions, while at the same time trying (and failing) to maintain a facade of normality and relative social competence. My new approach, simple as it sounds, is to try to be more accepting of myself. There are times when I literally cannot force my vocal cords to work properly. I sound (and feel) like a small, helpless, timid, uncertain, passive child with a gratingly obsequious/submissive, lost sounding voice. The reactions I get from those around me when my voice and actions come out this way just reinforces the feelings, which reinforces the behavior. It's a horrible downward spiral. The worse the reactions I get, the more disconnected from myself I become because it just hurts so much to be perceived in such a pathetic way. I crave respect and connection. I want to be valued. But I fear people and feel socially incompetent, unlovable, ashamed. I am realizing that I have spent the last several years in a coma like state in some respects. My mind and emotions frozen except those flight fight responses. Fear and frozen panic. Anger. Rage. Endless thought cycles that are detached from the larger picture. The constant grating of what I am consciously aware of rubbing up against less conscious perceptions, beliefs, and thoughts. One moment everything is ordinary and makes sense. The next moment I feel like I'm on a drug trip. So many different realities, paradigms, ect, light and dark, rubbing up against each other in a kalaidascope of confusion, wonder, terror what have you.

 

I've been struggling for a baseline level of stability for so many years, and finally it feels within in reach. However, I know the rug can be pulled out from under me quickly and abruptly if I'm not careful. Mindfulness teachings are helpful. I'm also trying to study the violence (and love) of my own mind - the way it turns against itself and hurts me as well as the ways it aggrandizes itself and makes me feel superior. Trying to relate this to the larger world picture of violence, subjugation, exploitation of other humans and environment etc. This really helps. Trying to give my self a purpose beyond myself in order to stop obsessing about my shyness and relative social isolation. When I think about how lonely I am life seems intolerable, but when I think about how much suffering there is in the world, and the fact that I could use my life to be useful to others who are suffering, something shifts. Something even bigger shifts when I start to recognize the common roots of our suffering. Instead of viewing my own problems as personal failures, I am starting to see them more in the context of cultural/societal failures. Instead of only feeling like I don't measure up to societies standards, I am noticing the ways it doesn't measure up to mine. I'm noticing the pathologies that run through society, and the general lack of awareness among members of society of these patterns, at least in a deeply engaged way. I want to change things. I start to feel hopeless though when I think about what I am up against. The decks are not stacked in favor of those who oppose the status quo. I am also a person of privilege. So the whole wanting to fight back gets complicated and muddied when I think about what that really means. I don't like the excessive consumerism of our society and know it is creating so much damage. Yet for all my idealism and high thought when it comes down to doing stuff differently in my own life, I don't have a good track record. Even something so simple as being vegetarian. I guess the best way to view it (at least partially) is as an addiction. We are literally addicted to a certain lifestyle. A component of addiction is avoidance of pain. SO do I mentally punish myself for my hypocrisy of not living up to my ideals, or do I treat myself with compassion? I'm leaning ever more toward compassion. It's hard though. Our society is so punishment based.

 

In order to not remain complacent, I'm trying to see giving up certain elements of my consumerist lifestyle as a form of creativity. I think this will ultimately be much more inspiring. After all, that's a big part of what the drive to challenge the stifling status quo is about - opening space for creativity. Creativity as freedom. Freedom to create a world which doesn't severely damage and oppress the great majority of its population. Freedom to create light out of the darkness.

 

That's all for now. I appreciate any input, support, and/or collaboration.

 

LT