WaywardWoman's Wramblings

[WaywardWoman]

February 2013 - Present

 

A rollercoaster could not have as many ups and downs as my life has in the past year and 9 months. So many changes, so many trials and heartache. Yet, at the end of the day, I can still smile and be thankful that I made it through another day instead of giving up, like I've wanted to SO many times ...

 

We are back together again. It was a long several months we were broken up this time. But we never stuck to the NC rule for more than a month at a time, one of us feeling compelled to reach out. It broke my heart when I found out he was dating someone, even when he broke it off after 6 weeks because he realized he wasn't being fair to her, or himself, because he still loved and wanted me.

 

Our issues, in the beginning, were both petty and major. And they remain so today. But we are better prepared, better equipped to handle them now. In the earlier days, and even after the one year mark, we were still holding grudges and using threats, and playing the Pity-Me card all too often. That has stopped, and we aren't allowing ourselves, or the other, to be the victim, to sit silently while the other tromps all over heart and feelings. For that I am SO very thankful. Communication has improved dramatically, as have both respect and consideration. I'm not afraid to say, "Hey, quit being snarky and rude, and check yourself." And he calls me on my selfishness and warns me when I'm exhibiting the "symptoms of cold".

 

We have promised to not allow disagreements to grow so large that they suck all the air out of the room, leaving neither of us able to breathe. We never end a conversation without saying I love you, and we've made a promise to make more time to spend together, not allowing "I'm tired" or "My sinuses are bad" to be excuses. Honesty, even if it hurts a little, is our policy, and saying I'm sorry or excuse me aren't just for when you bump into a stranger in the grocery store. We've both recognized that a little touch goes a long way, and eye contact can relay a lot of information without words.

 

I think we're on the right track this time. I think that the time we spent apart, growing each as a separate person, was crucial for us. It made him realize that his way ISN'T always the best way, and that "compromise" isn't just a word in an elementary school spelling bee. And I've learned not everyone is out to get me, and that being The Ice Queen is NOT something to brag about.

 

I was hesitant to allow even the tiniest glimmer of hope that we might be in this place, this space. I never lost faith that we COULD make it work, but I very nearly lost hope that it would.

 

Our first "real date" in more than half a year, last Saturday, was a smashing success. We were both relaxed and mellow, and we appreciated the conversation and companionship. There was open and honest dialog, and we both asked questions of the other that were begging for answers. We had a very tender few minutes when he asked me why I never gave up and, laying there on top of the covers on his bed, I broke down. And, for me, breaking down is a seldom-seen occurrence. Hearing him say, "Thank you, baby, for not giving up on us. Even when it felt like it was the only thing you could do ...", was a sort of confirmation ... No, not confirmation, nor validation. It just felt ... Good.

 

I purged my phone yesterday of the toxic, damaging thread of text messages that I'd been holding on to with clawed fingers. I read them periodically, over the previous eight months, as a sort of venom, to try to kill the feelings I still carried for him. It was less than successful, obviously, and only helped in hurting my heart, not lessening my love. I realized that, if we are truly starting fresh with a clean slate, I can't have those messages staring at me every time I open my texts. It felt good to delete them, like a cleansing, a purging. I'm just sorry I didn't do it sooner.

 

I invited him to dinner tomorrow night. He made a joke that, if he's invited to dinner, he needs to bring his tool bag. And he isn't too far off the mark. The last time he came over for dinner, he hung blinds and hooked up my washer. This time? My dryer is making a horrendous racket! When I thanked him for helping, he said, "Helping you is my job now." Which, read out of context, sounds kind of crappy. But he meant it in the most loving, caring way - I'm sure.

 

10.02.14

[kamurj]