Blue Spiral's Adventures in Solitude

[IAmFCA]

I get lots of sleep (though I used to wake up too early), and I've never taken drugs, or even smoked or drank. In some ways, I feel like I've led a pretty stressed-out life...but, in other ways, I've never had to deal with problems that others have to deal with, such as those that come up in long-term relationships. When left to my own devices, I'm an extremely happy person. It's only when I think about other people (primarily women) that I get upset.

 

"Blue Spiral" must be like my version of Dorian Gray's portrait. I pour most of my stress, rage, and bitterness into ENA, while the real me is footloose and fancy-free.

 

Let's be honest, though: my height and weight probably help sell the illusion, as well.

 

I agree about height/weight helping to sell the illusion. I get mistaken for 10 years younger with some frequency. all the time, really. I feel certain it's because I'm little. And I hide the gray!

[Fudgie]

I can definitely agree with the weight part too. When I was much heavier, I looked at LEAST 5 years older than I was, sometimes 10 years older.

 

Since losing a lot, I've been told I look like I haven't aged much since high school. I look a lot like my old photos, only I have better skin now.

 

I'm sure that will change as I get closer to 30 but that's okay. No grey hairs yet. I moisturize and take care of my skin well.'

 

My boyfriend is one year older and has grey hair on his temple and is quite obese and we've had people think that he's significantly older than me but he's not.

[Blue Spiral]

I've only had three or four gray hairs, thus far. So I've been lucky in that area.

[IAmFCA]

I've only had three or four gray hairs, thus far. So I've been lucky in that area.

 

Lucky you. I'm winning the battle but losing the war. It would all be gray by now, and there is no way to transition gray roots without going short or dying it all gray. It's a stark color change, gray roots growing in, natural dark brown growing out. So, I fight on, knowing that one of these days, I am just going to have to go.... Pink. Navy. I dunno. Dye it all stark ivory maybe. I like it long. Long and silver maybe?

 

Another change down the road.... Sigh.

[Blue Spiral]

Well, I think that I've officially given up on women. It's a pretty good feeling, actually. I tried for a few months on my FWB-finding site--I didn't put in a ton of effort, but I worked on it regularly--and only one woman responded to me, and then stopped responding entirely. To be specific, I'm not giving up on the women I'm actually attracted to. If such a woman contacted me, I'd happily give her a shot. But I'm done trying with women in general, and I'm most definitely done with the leftover women that society seems to expect me to settle for.

 

I used to believe that, when it came to being single, men and women were exactly the same. We couldn't find anyone, we had bad experiences, etc. Well, based upon twenty years of watching the world around me, I've changed my thinking. If a man is single, it can be because women don't want him, for either valid or ridiculous reasons...but it can also be because he doesn't want to be in a relationship. So, many good men are single for reasons beyond their control. Women, though? I'm generalizing, but, it seems to me that women want to be in relationships. And in our current climate, where women absolutely, no-doubt, 100%-for-sure have it easier than men in this area, a woman that isn't able to get a relationship...well, there must be something seriously wrong with her. Unattractive, high-maintenance, mental illness, something. Attractive, stable women were taken off the market long ago, and if they do happen to come back on it, they aren't single for long. I had an incredibly gorgeous neighbor that kicked her boyfriend out; within two weeks, she'd moved into her new, older boyfriend's house. It sounds unusual, but it's a pattern that I've seen many times since then. This is a situation where the proof is in the pudding. If a woman is single, there's most likely something seriously wrong with her. In our current environment, where women finding men should be as easy as falling off of a log, if they can't do that, well...any sane man should run screaming in the other direction.

 

I've started to think of them as leftover women. They're the women I'm stuck with, and, frankly, I'm both physically and psychologically repulsed by them. While I was honing my skills and living my life, the more aggressive men swept in, grabbed the more attractive women, and that was that.

 

You may read this and think that I'm just in a bad mood, and that I'll change my mind. Hey, maybe you're right. But, if I do, I'll be making one key change to my strategy: from now on, I'm only pursuing taken women, because the single ones are a disaster.

[Mr_LFA]

I'm only pursuing taken women, because the single ones are a disaster.

Blue Spiral, the New James Bond Lol!

[Blue Spiral]

Blue Spiral, the New James Bond Lol!

 

Heh! Is it egotistical for me to think of myself as a (less impressive) version of Bond? I'm cold, cynical, and calculating...and while I'm not the master seducer that he is, there are moments where I'm capable of a certain superficial charm. I'm also very focused and emotionally closed-off.

 

At any rate, I'm not pursuing any women, right now. I've gone from "low effort" to "no effort" and plan to stay there for as long as I can. When I was younger, being around women made me happy, so I did it as much as I could. But being around women just depresses and frustrates me, now, so I'm going to take a break from it for a while. Or for the rest of my life, maybe.

[Fudgie]

James Bond is awesome. He's cold, cool, and calculating. Love it.

[Blue Spiral]

Well, since I complain about women so much, I should also talk about good woman-related things when they happen to me. A woman did something extremely nice for me, today.

[Fudgie]

What did she do? That's cool!

 

I'll share something too: my good Aspie friend found some success online and he has just gotten into a relationship with a woman who seems to reeaaallly like him. Time will tell if it will work out or not but she's treating him really well so far and is into him so I am happy for him.

[Blue Spiral]

To make a long story short, she expressed her appreciation for me, basically.

[Blue Spiral]

I feel that this article describes me, in some ways. I don't have much, but I'm surprisingly happy, and I have a lot of time to do what I want:

 

/

 

This is also one of the reasons why I reject the idea of "natural" gender roles. I'm a man, so I should be ambitious and eager to pursue women...but I'm not.

 

Feel free to call it a rationalization: making the most of a bad situation, being rejected and then saying "I never wanted that in the first place!", etc. I'm sure there's a little truth to that. But, overall, this is a very good type of existence for me, and I'm not sure if I could handle the other type.

[Blue Spiral]

Well, I've had a rough few days, unfortunately. I'm dealing with a few stressful situations, and it's made my social anxiety much worse. There are some things I need to do, but I'm just not capable, right now.

 

I'm glad that I'm avoiding women, right now...I don't think I could deal with all of this and them at the same time.

[Blue Spiral]

I'm happy to report that I'm feeling better. The stressful situation is still there--though it's more of a possibility, as opposed to an active thing I have to deal with--but I'm not letting it get to me.

 

Now that I'm mostly avoiding women, I'm finding that I have more time and energy for things that are important to me. It's not my ideal situation, of course, but it's better than the previous dynamic I was stuck in, where I got little to nothing in return for my effort.

 

I haven't heard from Deedee in a while, and I'm continuing to talk with the woman I mentioned earlier, the one I see in the coffee shop every week or so.

[Blue Spiral]

Something I read elsewhere on ENA:

 

If I were a mom, I would always be worried about having kids with a man who is not my husband. I would be worried it would be easier to walk away, such as in this situation. Was there ever any thought about a permanent commitment before the kids came along.

 

Ahh, marriage as a way to make it harder for the man to get out of the relationship. I've been wrong about many things, in my life, but I was extremely wise to be suspicious of marriage. I am so, so glad that I can easily walk away from any woman on this planet.

[Fudgie]

Marriage does make it harder for anyone in it to walk away, the whole court thing, marital assets, etc. It's nothing to be taken lightly! Honestly, the whole idea makes me queasy. I do like spending time with my boyfriend and being with him but I know deep down that if I want to be with him long term, I'll have to marry him because that's something he wants. *sigh* If it were solely up to me, I would not get married at all! In my state, you can be domestic partners and share insurance and have legal rights without getting married or anything! I have approximately 0 incentive.

[faraday]

Something I read elsewhere on ENA:

 

 

 

Ahh, marriage as a way to make it harder for the man to get out of the relationship. I've been wrong about many things, in my life, but I was extremely wise to be suspicious of marriage. I am so, so glad that I can easily walk away from any woman on this planet.

 

Well, it's harder for both people to get out. And it should be...marriage is taking a life long vow. Why do it if you don't mean it?

[reinventmyself]

I won't get married again. I want to know that the person is with me because they want to be and not because they are legally bound and vice versa.

Having been married I do believe there is a different attitude when you know that person can walk out the door at any time.

[Blue Spiral]

I do like spending time with my boyfriend and being with him but I know deep down that if I want to be with him long term, I'll have to marry him because that's something he wants. *sigh*

 

I can sympathize...both of my girlfriends left me because I wouldn't marry them. (Though there were some other, lesser issues involved, as well.)

 

Well, it's harder for both people to get out.

 

In terms of logistics, yes. But it's much more dangerous for men to get out.

 

And it should be...marriage is taking a life long vow. Why do it if you don't mean it?

 

I really hope that you're joking. I really hope that you aren't thinking, "That's strange, why are these uncommitted men getting married?"

 

Putting aside the cultural and religious pressure to marry--which is thankfully declining, but is still around to some degree--there's the obvious fact that women tend to pressure men into proposing. Your last statement is usually the end of a conversation that spans the length of a relationship. That conversation starts with things like "Why aren't we officially bf/gf?" and moves on to "What do you think about marriage/kids?" and "Why aren't we living together?" and "What direction are we going in?" The man finally gives in and "buys her off" with a ring. Years later, he's unhappy, but he's afraid of the ramifications of divorce. And then the woman says a version of what you just did. "Well, why did you marry me if you didn't really want to? If you're so afraid of divorce, you shouldn't have gotten married! Why did you do this if you weren't that committed??" And the hilarious part is that the woman is absolutely serious and unknowing, having apparently forgotten about the years-long campaign she waged to get him to marry her, using everything from promises to threats to sex.

 

So, yes, a lot of uncommitted men make stupid decisions...but please don't pretend that they're making them in a vacuum.

[Blue Spiral]

I won't get married again. I want to know that the person is with me because they want to be and not because they are legally bound and vice versa.

Having been married I do believe there is a different attitude when you know that person can walk out the door at any time.

 

I agree 100%. It's an artificial construct that screws up human behavior, creating all the wrong incentives and priorities.

[Fudgie]

Blue, the whole thing reminds me of this song by VAST.

 

[video=youtube;IIy4vXloCDE] ]

 

I'm not sure how much you like music but I really hope you'll give this song a listen. It's one of my favourites of the band.

Absolute brilliant song about what a man feels in a broken relationship that he feels he cannot leave.

 

"I'd never hurt you but I wouldn't worry if you were lost at sea

Where is my pride where is my self respect

Does it serve any purpose to you

I'd never leave I am too f'ing scared of what you and your lawyers might do

I'm afraid of you"

 

Give a listen and tell me what you think.

[faraday]

I won't get married again. I want to know that the person is with me because they want to be and not because they are legally bound and vice versa.

Having been married I do believe there is a different attitude when you know that person can walk out the door at any time.

 

Loving someone is a choice that you make every single day. Choosing to marry someone is saying to them...I will choose to love you everyday even when you suck and even when I suck because I see you for who you are and that person.

 

With that said, when people want to leave, they do. Marriage makes it harder to leave, but people do...all the time.

[Ms Darcy]

Something I read elsewhere on ENA:

 

 

 

Ahh, marriage as a way to make it harder for the man to get out of the relationship. I've been wrong about many things, in my life, but I was extremely wise to be suspicious of marriage. I am so, so glad that I can easily walk away from any woman on this planet.

 

Someone mentioned this post to so I figured I would bite - or at least half bite.

 

My only two comments. One, I think that marriage in the context of a family has a primary benefit to the children. Not divorce mind you, but marriage. It is in part meant to provide stability in the home for children - to keep both the parents engaged in the family unit.

 

I don't care if a bf walks away from me and vice versa. But when kids enter the picture, I think there's a bigger responsibility to make the relationship work. So, I personally want to even contemplate bringing kids into the picture unless there was a lot of deliberation about how committed both are the to permanence of the relationship. Of course things happen and divorce can be needed. But the divorce process is far more rigorous than a bf/gf breakup because one promised to exhaust all options before getting to that point.

 

Second comment. I have seen plenty of men (usually teenage and early 20s men) walk away from their "baby mammas." I have never once seen a woman walk away from her bf and their child. I'm sure it happens - I have heard of it. But it's pretty lopsided how that happens.

 

Carry on

[Fudgie]

I wanted to ask (because I've been wondering this) and Blue, wondering what you think too but anyone else can chime in:

 

I do not understand men who willingly have children with a women but won't get married to her, not due to philosophical objections about the institution, but because "it's too much of a commitment".

 

I understand men who want marriage AND kids.

I understand men who don't want marriage OR kids. Either staying alone or in some FWB set up or whatever.

I understand men who want marriage but not kids. (Kids are arguably a bigger responsibility and are a major lifestyle change).

Or men who want a LTR with a woman, but not marriage/kids.

 

What I have never been able to wrap my mind around is why on earth a man would CHOOSE to make a baby with a woman but wouldn't marry her due to fear of commitment or something.

 

To me, that's like someone who shoots heroin in their spare time but then avoids alcohol because they are worried about the health effects and how it will affect their liver. It makes absolutely no sense to me.

 

A child is a permanent, genetic tie between you and another person. Okay, when you split with a "baby mama", maybe she won't get half of your stuff but she is free to pursue child support, forcing you under the table to work weird jobs so you can avoid garnishment, if that was your intention. It forces you to work these jobs for life in order to avoid paying. Maybe you need to move too. You will face stigmatization as well. You can be jailed for owing child support, including back child support. Even if you stayed out of your kids' life, you can still be visited many years later when they are grown up and have hired a PI to track you down and then they confront you.

 

Marital split can leave your finances ruined...but it won't follow you like a bad habit once it's done if you've managed to wiggle out of alimony. Splitting with the mother of your child can and will haunt you if you do not pay up.

 

So yeah, I do not understand at all why some men will GLADLY have a child with a woman, but a marriage is "too much" for them.

[Blue Spiral]

Give a listen and tell me what you think.

 

It sounds like an emo pirate song, and I mean that as a compliment. That said, when it comes to music, I'm more of a positive person, shockingly. My mp3 playlist mainly consists of sunny '80s pop.

 

Second comment. I have seen plenty of men (usually teenage and early 20s men) walk away from their "baby mammas." I have never once seen a woman walk away from her bf and their child. I'm sure it happens - I have heard of it. But it's pretty lopsided how that happens.

 

Yeah, it's almost as if women have control over their own reproduction, while men don't. If a woman has a kid, it's because she wants it. If a man doesn't want to have a kid, all he can do is walk away after the kid is born. Whereas a woman can "walk away" from the kid before it's even born.

 

I think that abortion should be safe and legal, but, come on. The only difference between these types of rejection is that yours is in secret and ours isn't. A woman can get an abortion and no one will ever know. Whereas if we choose to reject a child, everybody knows, because we can only do that after-the-fact.