Blue Spiral's Adventures in Solitude

[annie24]

Maybe because you know they will be nice to you and play by your rules? Other people you interact with will do whatever they want to do. The cam girls want money, therefore will act in a way with you to get more money.

[Blue Spiral]

I don't really have any rules...

 

I think that I just like going outside of the usual mating-related social conventions, which I'm not really good at, and don't believe in anyway.

[Blue Spiral]

In a moment of weakness, I reactivated one of my FWB-finding accounts. I'm already regretting it. Only two women have responded to me: one did nothing but complain about her financial situation, and one stopped talking to me when she found out that I wasn't black.

 

Shockingly, one woman initiated contact with me...but I'm not even remotely attracted to her, which puts me in a very rare position. I'm not used to having to reject women. I already feel guilty, because I hate the idea of hurting anyone. I'm thinking that I just won't respond to her.

 

In other news, after not hearing from Deedee for like a month, she texted me after midnight. Just routine conversational stuff.

[annie24]

I don't really have any rules...

 

I think that I just like going outside of the usual mating-related social conventions, which I'm not really good at, and don't believe in anyway.

 

Rules as in the cam girls aren't going to ask you to drive them to the airport, or ask you to pick up their mothers from the airport, or ask you to go to their brother's modern dance recital. They're not going to complain about their day or talk about their pet cats or other topics you will not find interesting. You're paying them for pleasant company.

[Blue Spiral]

Rules as in the cam girls aren't going to ask you to drive them to the airport, or ask you to pick up their mothers from the airport, or ask you to go to their brother's modern dance recital.

 

You know, that kind of stuff doesn't bother me. I try to be helpful in general.

 

They're not going to complain about their day or talk about their pet cats or other topics you will not find interesting. You're paying them for pleasant company.

 

Except they do complain about their day sometimes, though...and their pets do sometimes jump on them...

 

I've actually had some long phone conversations with my two favorite cam models, and I'm not really the "long phone conversation" type. (And, no, get your mind out of the gutter, not that kind of phone conversation.)

[Blue Spiral]

Well, I'm sort of chatting with a new woman...except she takes a few days to reply, and she's basically the most boring human being imaginable. I've had the misfortune to stumble across many mind-numbingly boring women, in my life. I asked her about her day, and I got comprehensive, intriguing answers such as "work" and "no". As a man, I'm used to having to compete for a woman's attention, so I can at least make myself sound sort of interesting. And I'm obviously more into the physical than personality stuff, but, still...I wish that I could reach through the screen and snap my fingers in front of her face, just to make sure there's something going on in there.

[Mr_LFA]

Well, I'm sort of chatting with a new woman...except she takes a few days to reply, and she's basically the most boring human being imaginable.

A few days?? She must be extremely hot for you to put up with it?

[Blue Spiral]

A few days?? She must be extremely hot for you to put up with it?

 

She's above-average. I'm not really putting up with it, I've just responded to her...twice, because I figured I might as well give it a shot. But I don't think she'll be getting more interesting (or any prompter), so I plan on ghosting.

[Blue Spiral]

Ugh, I'm such a hypocrite. That unattractive woman who messaged me? She saw that I was online, and tried starting a conversation. Instead of practicing what I've preached to women ("Just tell us you aren't attracted to us, don't try to be nice"), I...tried to act as boring as possible to get her to go away. I'm just not used to having to reject anyone, and I don't want to hurt her feelings.

[Fudgie]

My boyfriend told me that he did that with girls online that he found boring or he met and didn't like them. He said many of these women came off as dramatic and didn't take any kind of rejection well so it was easier to send a couple of "boring" messages, which would have them "reject" him, than to deal with their blow up when he said "I'm sorry, I'm not interested, good luck" since in his experience, most women didn't accept that graciously.

 

Hell, I'd do the same thing in that position.

[itsallgrand]

It's alright. Do you think it might soften your attitude having been in those shoes though?

[Blue Spiral]

My attitude is already about as soft as it can get, frankly. Considering the way that some people have treated me, I'm shocked that I'm still a sympathetic, polite person.

[Blue Spiral]

I suppose that I should update my journal.

 

I still have my FWB-finding account open, but I've only had one meaningful prospect: she lost interest after a few days of chatting. Granted, I'm not putting much effort in, myself.

 

I've been having a great summer, all things considered. I completed a major project, and I've really been enjoying myself. Being female-free has really helped.

 

Despite my current lack of online success with women (granted, I never have a picture up), in-person women seem more interested. I apparently attract a wide range of types. Over the course of the summer, several women have (I'm pretty sure) flirted with me, including an African-American woman, an Asian-American woman, and an Amish...-American woman. (Not actually Amish, but close.)

 

Deedee has been texting me, lately. I feel badly for her, but, unless certain things change, I won't be having much to do with her.

[Blue Spiral]

Well, I failed to find any new FWBs, and I couldn't be happier.

 

For the last few years, I've been having serious anxiety problems when I first wake up in the morning--usually between 4 and 6--which often prevented me from going back to sleep. As soon as I get up, though, they're gone. I've never been able to figure it out. Well, I don't know if the two are connected, but...I've been interacting with women less and less, and, for the last week, the anxiety has been gone. I feel roughly 300% more functional. Now that I think about it, I haven't interacted with a woman in a social capacity in a little over a week--the last time was when Deedee texted me.

 

Regardless of my (hopefully not temporary) freedom from anxiety, though, I have to say, this is the happiest I've been in years. The last few months have been great. I'm doing what I enjoy and avoiding people. As much as I love sex, the stress of interacting with women really gets to me, and it screws up a good portion of my life.

 

Now, there is something that I'm putting off...but I'm sort of working my way up to it. I'll soon be in a situation in which I'll have to interact with more people. It's a little scary, but I've found a way to build up to it, so it's less of a sudden shock.

[Blue Spiral]

Update: I am enjoying life, relaxing, and being productive. My early-morning anxiety has continued to stay away.

 

Women are continuing to ignore me on my FWB-finding site, which is sort of annoying...but I'm not particularly invested in it, anymore.

 

I haven't spent much time on the cam site, lately. My favorite models haven't been on. I hear that porn is a public health crisis; I'm clearly an addict...

 

I am, however, talking to a woman that I met offline. I have no chance with her, but it's sort of amusing to be able to talk to a woman in-person about some of this stuff.

 

I also thought that I'd share the following link. It may explain why I'm in better physical and mental shape than most men my age:

 

/

[itsallgrand]

That study makes a lot of sense to me. I for 1 would welcome more of a shift to more egalitarian relationships.

Egalitarian relationships are built precisely on respect for individuals and their contributions. That to me seems a good way to raise kids too.

Plus it's more sustainable. Two people who are both out working and raising their kids are less likely to have a huge brood of them. It provides a built in safety as far as people adjusting to economic circumstances.

 

I could go on but I won't lol. This is still a touchy subject especially with women IMO.

[Fudgie]

I simply can't imagine being the SOLE breadwinner for a whole household for life. I get that many women do stay home for a bit with the young kids and I think the smart ones save up beforehand so that their family is in a better place financially when that happens but my goodness, I can't imagine the stress on someone (male or female) when their partner just says "Okay, you're making ALL the income from now on" and that's that. Very stressful indeed. I imagine it's hard on the one who stays home too, if they don't ever return to a career/job, because some of them may not get enough socialization with other adults, and that comes with issues as well.

 

I think it's good to have a balance. I'm happy that I got to see both of my parents working while growing up.

[faraday]

I simply can't imagine being the SOLE breadwinner for a whole household for life. I get that many women do stay home for a bit with the young kids and I think the smart ones save up beforehand so that their family is in a better place financially when that happens but my goodness, I can't imagine the stress on someone (male or female) when their partner just says "Okay, you're making ALL the income from now on" and that's that. Very stressful indeed. I imagine it's hard on the one who stays home too, if they don't ever return to a career/job, because some of them may not get enough socialization with other adults, and that comes with issues as well.

 

I think it's good to have a balance. I'm happy that I got to see both of my parents working while growing up.

 

You know that it's usually a joint decision, right? And that a lot of times its not as black and white as a woman wanting to stay home.

 

Like here, daycare costs are astronomical. Daycare for a child under 2 is around $1500 a month. Children ages 2-5 is $700-1200. It's insane. And often doesn't make financial sense for a lower income earning mother to go back to work..when most of her wages go to childcare (if she has 3-4 children it's almost impossible to afford childcare).

 

Having children and how many is also a joint decision...so men get a say in it too...they can choose how many people they are comfortable supporting.

[IAmFCA]

Home-based activity versus office-based activity and primary income versus none or secondary income and kids versus no kids versus pets versus no strings attached to home.... all of these are choices (for the lucky) made together. It can switch. My friend rejoined the work force when her H's income became unstable. Other friends of mine live in two different cities, have no kids, and enjoy each other's townhouses or their jointly-owned river house, on weekends. There are as many ways to put together a life as there are imaginations.

 

I would readily stop working, sort of. I make as much as or more than almost everyone I have ever dated. Some would gladly support me with their income, but I would have to give up some privileges I afford for my kids, and I am not willing to do that. If I could support someone else comfortably, I would gladly do so, if I were comfortable leaving him in charge of family and household matters -- which is unlikely. I have sort of made the bed I sleep in, which is a drag. I am exhausted - and it helps to know I chose this path.

 

If it were just the two of us? I would gladly not work, focus my energy on making us comfortable, on social activity, athletics, intellectual pursuits, and a mentoring role that benefits the community. That was not always the case. Also, if I were expected to focus all of my attention of home-based activity, I would get claustrophobic.

 

What works for me is relevant only to me, but is the easiest way for me to describe how personal and fluid this decision can be.

[IAmFCA]

That study makes a lot of sense to me. I for 1 would welcome more of a shift to more egalitarian relationships.

Egalitarian relationships are built precisely on respect for individuals and their contributions. That to me seems a good way to raise kids too.

Plus it's more sustainable. Two people who are both out working and raising their kids are less likely to have a huge brood of them. It provides a built in safety as far as people adjusting to economic circumstances.

 

I could go on but I won't lol. This is still a touchy subject especially with women IMO.

 

I told a therapist I wanted an egalitarian rl. She said something like, "that is a lofty goal and very difficult to accomplish." I have never forgotten that. It didn't deter me though. I have since come to understand that many relationships are quite egalitarian in ways I can't see; that two people who respect each other equally is what makes it egalitarian. How they divide up responsibilities and privileges is secondary.

[IAmFCA]

And to BSpiral - FWBs are hard to come by - the good ones, anyway. It requires a very clear sense of self and sense of purpose, as you know. Glad to hear your voice sounding as good as it does.

[Fudgie]

You know that it's usually a joint decision, right? And that a lot of times its not as black and white as a woman wanting to stay home.

 

Like here, daycare costs are astronomical. Daycare for a child under 2 is around $1500 a month. Children ages 2-5 is $700-1200. It's insane. And often doesn't make financial sense for a lower income earning mother to go back to work..when most of her wages go to childcare (if she has 3-4 children it's almost impossible to afford childcare).

 

Having children and how many is also a joint decision...so men get a say in it too...they can choose how many people they are comfortable supporting.

 

Oh absolutely, it's a joint decision the vast, vast majority of the time. Still can be stressful on both parties though regardless, both on the partner who works because they know they have a lot riding on their job and on the partner who is at home, because if they don't make an effort to get out enough, they can feel lonely and not socialized enough. Like I said though, I can't fathom being in either role myself. I have to work and I wouldn't be with someone who didn't have a full time career as well.

[itsallgrand]

I told a therapist I wanted an egalitarian rl. She said something like, "that is a lofty goal and very difficult to accomplish." I have never forgotten that. It didn't deter me though. I have since come to understand that many relationships are quite egalitarian in ways I can't see; that two people who respect each other equally is what makes it egalitarian. How they divide up responsibilities and privileges is secondary.

 

Can you elaborate more on why she thought it was a lofty goal?

[IAmFCA]

Can you elaborate more on why she thought it was a lofty goal?

 

This was about 11 years ago, and was one of my few visits ever to a therapist, and I was able to talk my way all the way around her (unintentionally, or at least not explicitly my intention). She taught me that fear is the usually the emotion behind anger, which was pivotal. Otherwise, I didn't get much from her.

 

That said, my understanding is that the level of team work necessary in a partnership based on skill assessment, in her view, required more work to create and maintain, whereas two people who simply adhere to gender-based roles tend to have an easier time of it. I associate this conversation with egalitarian, but I see that it isn't. I guess that lays bare my underlying assumption about gender roles. Having never successfully followed anything just because it pre-exists me, her point was irrelevant to who I am. I can't follow even when I wish I could. I have departed from my cultural traditions, my familial traditions, my religious traditions, my country's gender traditions, and parenting traditions. I am told I depart from dating traditions as well; more than one first date has made that comment. Having recently showed up for a first meet soaking wet from a woodland hike through a thunderstorm... (but my mascara wasn't running so its all good)... I don't suppose I follow many expectations. I know my life would be easier if I did.

 

It just isn't me, so I tossed that aspect of her conversation out altogether.

 

It has taken me decades to discover that gender-typical roles can also be egalitarian. They can be. Regrettably, I have seen more than one example of women younger than I in marriages where women and girls are treated differently, and I see it often in my children's school environment, where some families have more money than ever I have seen before. I have begun to suspect that money insulates people from having to change, and that therefore among the wealthy AND biased, gender disparity may remain long after I would have guessed. NOT ALL or even MOST, but where disparity exists, i do not see it being challenged. Blech.

 

I went on a rant. My apologies.

[Batya33]

That study makes a lot of sense to me. I for 1 would welcome more of a shift to more egalitarian relationships.

Egalitarian relationships are built precisely on respect for individuals and their contributions. That to me seems a good way to raise kids too.

Plus it's more sustainable. Two people who are both out working and raising their kids are less likely to have a huge brood of them. It provides a built in safety as far as people adjusting to economic circumstances.

 

I could go on but I won't lol. This is still a touchy subject especially with women IMO.

 

My husband's career would be negatively affected as far as growth etc if he cut back to have more time with our child (i.e. so that I could work too and make it worth it given the cost of sitters/after care). I don't think egalitarian means both parents work outside the home necessarily. I do think it means the individuals involved believe that the positives/negatives/tradeoffs/compromises feel fair to the couple and more important that it's not set in stone because children grow, jobs change, circumstances change.

 

I just applied for an almost perfect part time job for me because it's at a place I would love to work full time someday, a part time position opened and this would be a great way to dip my toes back in. Still, it will require us to revisit who does what at home (or decide to hire a cleaning service more often, for example) and it will be harder than the more black/white division of responsibilities we have now where I am all about the home-based/childcare stuff and he is about his career.

 

I also can't imagine being the sole breadwinner for life particularly if the other spouse has no real savings/assets. I do balk at a definition of egalitarian that presumes that work has to be paid work outside the home.