Blue Spiral's Adventures in Solitude

[Blue Spiral]

Because you're a stud? The only answer I can give is that if you bothered to go out of your shell more often, you'd have tons of occasions.

 

A 37 single and childless (that's what you look like anyway being by yourself) still turn heads. Take advantage of it.

 

Blue Spiral 2.0 emerging?

 

My guess is that I'm happier, and it's showing.

 

I enjoy the attention, but I'm sure that they'd want a conventional relationship...and I'm not willing to pretend to want one just to get laid.

 

I really am childless, btw, just in case there's any confusion on that.

 

Seems to be the case everytime. The less you care, the more they do and vice versa. It's all very convoluted and overly complicated.

 

Don't get me started. It's sort of like cats and food. They don't want it, you start to take it away, and then they change their minds.

 

Makes perfect sense to me. You'd be broadcasting an aura of independence which women are attracted to (imo). Similar to when people say that some women are very attracted to married/taken guys I think.

 

It's been a long time since I've had a serious girlfriend...but, yes, you're right, I do recall women being more interested in me during those phases. Huh. I'd forgotten all about that.

[JamesT2]

Yes, I acknowledged you were childless Blue. I'm not sure that every of these women want a serious relationship, that's just an assumption based on the fact they have children. Believe me, I've been on a few ONS or FWB with women well over 40 and with grown-up children so...

 

The point remains that you're more likely to be rejected if you aren't looking to settle with a woman. Regardless if she has children or not.

[Blue Spiral]

Yes, I acknowledged you were childless Blue. I'm not sure that every of these women want a serious relationship, that's just an assumption based on the fact they have children. Believe me, I've been on a few ONS or FWB with women well over 40 and with grown-up children so...

 

A few of my FWBs have been over forty, as well. I've found them to be surprisingly carefree and low-maintenance. Granted, I target very specific types...

 

One of the best things about getting older: you move from "I'm ready to start a family, so let's get serious" women to "I'm recovering from my disastrous attempt at starting a family, so I just want to have fun for a while" women. Alternately, you also have to deal with the women who either had a childless starter marriage or were really holding out for the perfect guy, and are now desperate to have kids. It can be a little scary. Women that didn't acknowledge my existence when we were in our twenties are suddenly all, "Hey, you have a job, right? And you've never been to prison? No debt? No kids from previous relationships? Okay, why aren't you asking me out??" (I'm exaggerating, but only a little.)

 

The point remains that you're more likely to be rejected if you aren't looking to settle with a woman. Regardless if she has children or not.

 

You're absolutely right. I never wanted marriage or kids, and I stopped wanting a relationship ten years ago, so I fought an uphill battle for a long time. I had a surprising amount of success, though.

 

In the last two or three weeks, two of my previous FWBs got in contact with me. They're both having the same problem--a lot of guys want to have sex with them, but none are interested in dating them. On one hand, I sympathize with them, as I know what it's like to not get what you want. On the other hand...it's nice to see men prioritizing their own needs, for once. I hope that this trend continues and grows.

[Fudgie]

I'm pretty damn self centered and while I think a good chunk of that is just who I am and how I've grown (had to look out for my own interests because I was pretty alone a lot of the times), I think part of it is how I was raised as a woman.

 

Men are taught to treat their women well, to have something to offer a woman, to take care of a woman, blah blah blah, provider, etc. Women are taught, at least I was taught by other women, that I was special, I was a prize, that I deserved someone who would treat me like a queen, etc.

 

It's a really different outlook. It's a messed up situation. No wonder people are the way they are. My boyfriend does a lot for me and while I do a lot for him, I don't feel that I'm as bending as he is, not by a long shot. Looking back, I think all of my boyfriends probably loved me more than I loved them. I don't envy men's position at all. As a white woman, I'm much more privileged. But I get angry when certain friends insist that I'm oppressed. Erm, what? Such an awful victim mentality.

 

Sorry if spelling it all out makes you mad but I agree a lot with you.

[JamesT2]

. As a white woman, I'm much more privileged. But I get angry when certain friends insist that I'm oppressed. Erm, what? Such an awful victim mentality.

 

Sorry if spelling it all out makes you mad but I agree a lot with you.

 

You're going to make heads explode with that one, but you're absolutely right. I've been incredibly generous with my ex and so were some of them too. Unlike Blue Spiral, I'm looking for a serious relationship. I'm working on it both online and offline.

 

Online? It's incredibly bad, the other day I send a friendly message to a woman living in my area (so say the site) and politely asked where she lived, so we have something to talk about. Guess what she answered ? ''I'm not looking for a freaking hookup''. Well, the victim mentality, all men are lying, cheating and manipulative bastards. Lump us all together.

 

I'm completely aware that many women, good hearted women, are being misled by jerks and aholes, but in the end it's the well meaned guys that have to pay the price for their stupid behavior. I abhor the victim mentality, whether that be feminists, or other groups that pretty much create and inspire hatred because of their fanatism.

 

I'm neither a racist or a misogynist, not even a misanthrope. Sometimes I'm annoyed at people, and rightly so, sometimes I might annoy people too (and maybe so with that post). Hell. I got my s---t together, my place and car, I can be self centered too, or altruistic with people I like/love but none of what I achieved was due to ''privilege'' of either skin color, middle-class parents, hence my despise of the victim mentality.

 

Hard work and a social circle pays off.

[Fudgie]

OLD really sucks for men; I feel you. Unfortunately, the "all men suck mentality" is bad for both men and women. I know several women who like to circle jerk over how awwwfful men are and how they allllways cheat. Never mind that the one woman I know who is parroting it the most to anyone who listens broke up her own marriage due to her own infidelity, sleeps with a guy at work who has a girlfriend, etc. It's self fulfilling. She expects guys to cheat and treat her like trash so she finds guys who... cheat and treat her like trash and she puts up with it.

 

There are jerks out there for sure. Maybe I'm just lucky but I've had an easier time sniffing them out or cutting them out. That's not victimization, that's dealing with the fact that there are rude people not right for you out there.

 

I don't know your age James but I'm in my mid 20s and my generation just feels really awful when it comes to dating and even identity. I've been reading up on 2nd wide feminism and I'm a big fan. I love the idea of getting rid of gender roles, all of them. 3rd feminism is full of hatred and "check yo privilege" and insecure victim mentalities. It is absolutely toxic.

[JamesT2]

I'm a decade older, Fudgie. I'm not secretly dreaming of the return of traditional values or patriarchy. But the West and its society went within 60 years (roughly) from the ''women in the kitchen and raising children home'' to the opposite. I'm exagerrating, purposefully. I still remember how strict my grandfather was to my grandma, she basically had no right to drive more than to commute from the supermarket. My father inherited a bit of these traits and I don't want to pick up the slack, I'm not even a jealous or possessive person. It's good that women can vote, work and be independent, we just don't need extremes.

[Fudgie]

I definitely feel that we as a society need to make a big shift in how we see gender roles. I think it's wonderful that women vote, drive, can hold all jobs, etc. I also think that everyone should know how to do basic domestic duties and see the value in them, even if one partner ends up doing more than the other (like one works more than the other). It's all part of being a balanced person, having both "traditional" masculine and feminine interests and talents according to what you're interested in.

 

I don't see a lot of that, sadly. Extremes happen when people feel confined or feel like they need to rebel. It's not a healthy way to be as a person.

[Blue Spiral]

Hard work and a social circle pays off.

 

Hard work can pay off, but I don't think that it always does. I'm sure that a social circle can, as well...assuming you have networking skills. My lack of them has sort of doomed me, professionally speaking. (Unfortunately, as I mentioned a while back, I'm about to reach a point where I'll have to deal with the world, again. I'm about to complete a project, and it's going to require me to interact with new people.)

 

I'm actually fine with the so-called "victim mentality", because there really are victims in life, both in terms of individuals and groups. That said, like any other idea, it can be abused. I'd go into detail about who I think the victims are (and aren't), but that would radically derail this thread.

 

I am all for throwing gender roles overboard.

 

I had a very enjoyable day. I got stuff done, I read, I played video games...

[JamesT2]

Yes, having this discussion or debate here would be a tad off-topic and could veer off too political anyway.

 

I think I asked you some months ago here if you wanted to date exclusively Deedee (you aren't talking about her anymore so I assume she's old news again) and the answer was that you could for a year or so. But that would reach your limits, in term of monogamy.

 

Usually, the poly people have multiple partners rotating so the definition because they want variety, just like for food or wine. And because they can get tired or bored of the same partner in a relationship or a marriage.

 

I'm actually puzzled that it seem so easy for you, with minimal efforts to find FWB and willing women. And having sometimes 2/3 rotating (I think I read that here). Especially since you don't do the OLD thing and (your words), you have terrible social skills.

 

The difference is that you seem happy these days focusing on yourself and going out a bit more, whereas you have no women around. Happily single, happily having FWB?

[Blue Spiral]

Yes, having this discussion or debate here would be a tad off-topic and could veer off too political anyway.

 

I try to keep things as compartmentalized as possible, both online and off-. ENA in one tab, political sites in another tab, football stuff in a third tab...

 

I think I asked you some months ago here if you wanted to date exclusively Deedee (you aren't talking about her anymore so I assume she's old news again) and the answer was that you could for a year or so. But that would reach your limits, in term of monogamy.

 

I just heard from Deedee, actually. But, yes, I'm trying to avoid her.

 

I don't want to date anyone (exclusively or otherwise), but if she got divorced, she could live with me for a while until she figured out what to do next. That'd be fine by me...!

 

For the record, my "monogamy limit" is somewhere between six months and a year. But I imagine that Deedee and Cee would both tell you that it was a Herculean effort for me to even get to six months. Or six weeks...

 

Usually, the poly people have multiple partners rotating so the definition because they want variety, just like for food or wine. And because they can get tired or bored of the same partner in a relationship or a marriage.

 

I like the idea of poly, but I think I'm too low-key/vanilla for it. I looked online, and, I mean...I don't know or want to know about half of those acronyms, and some of the people look like extras from an '80s hair metal video. I'm just a boring, sexually-predictable guy that wants a harem. People like me fall through the cracks of our society.

 

I'm actually puzzled that it seem so easy for you, with minimal efforts to find FWB and willing women. And having sometimes 2/3 rotating (I think I read that here). Especially since you don't do the OLD thing and (your words), you have terrible social skills.

 

When I give a **** about something, I can be remarkably good at it. But I don't always give a ****. Aside from that, I'm good at finding FWBs because 1) I have a decade and a half worth of practice and 2) women can be horny, too.

 

The difference is that you seem happy these days focusing on yourself and going out a bit more, whereas you have no women around. Happily single, happily having FWB?

 

I'm not going out, really, I just have to run errands from time to time. All of my FWBs were hot, but the women that have been flirting with me (I think) in public have been really hot, and I know that I can't get FWBs in that league. If I could, I'd put more effort into FWBs again. But I realistically know that I can't, so there's no point in trying.

[JamesT2]

I'm really surprised and rather in a good and complimentary way that you'd be able to live with Deedee, even for a while if she had to endure the divorce. Which is not for now as you're avoiding her, for some reason.

 

Women can be horny ? Very much so, I've had my share of girlfriends and some FWB and some of them had a very, very high sex drive, that's saying a lot, because I can also be pretty horny. Still to this day.

 

I was just pointing out that you go out a bit more recently (theater, mall, barber?) I understand that you're in no way an outgoing extroverted person quite yet, probably never even.

[Blue Spiral]

I'm really surprised and rather in a good and complimentary way that you'd be able to live with Deedee, even for a while if she had to endure the divorce. Which is not for now as you're avoiding her, for some reason.

 

I'm pretty sure that she's never going to change (back). I waited a long time for it to happen, and I even tried to encourage her in that direction, but...

 

Women can be horny ? Very much so, I've had my share of girlfriends and some FWB and some of them had a very, very high sex drive, that's saying a lot, because I can also be pretty horny. Still to this day.

 

I've had the same experience.

 

I was just pointing out that you go out a bit more recently (theater, mall, barber?) I understand that you're in no way an outgoing extroverted person quite yet, probably never even.

 

Well, there was a movie that I wanted to see, and something that I needed to buy. It's more the circumstances than my own decisions.

[Blue Spiral]

One of my former FWBs messaged me out of the blue this morning, and called me "sweetie".

 

I am currently listening to a playlist of my favorite '80s songs.

 

I've been extremely productive, the past week and a half.

 

Two of my favorite TV shows are waiting for me on my DVR.

 

Hotter weather = more eye-candy.

 

I'm having an enjoyable week, thus far...

[JamesT2]

One of my former FWBs messaged me out of the blue this morning, and called me "sweetie"

 

I've been following your journal for a bit, you've been here a number of times before.

 

Simple question : what does she want ? although calling you sweetie the answer could come off as obvious but I'll let you answer yourself.

[Blue Spiral]

I've been following your journal for a bit, you've been here a number of times before.

 

Simple question : what does she want ? although calling you sweetie the answer could come off as obvious but I'll let you answer yourself.

 

On the surface, she's just saying hi and checking in.

 

Underneath...maybe she's thinking about being FWBs again? Maybe she's looking for a relationship, and wants to see if I've changed my mind on the subject?

[JamesT2]

Well I'm leaning to the second option. I can't help from personal experience. I've had FWB but they ended and never said ''hi'' again, because we lot contact over the years.

 

Would you agree with being FWB again? Implying : no dramas, safe sex (lot of it), and somewhat of a connection with her (yes it passes time for both of you)

 

I won't even ask if you'd like a relationship with her because I don't think you've changed your mind so quickly.

[Blue Spiral]

All of my past FWBs have contacted me at various points. There are only a few that I haven't heard from in recent years; they were ones from, say, fifteen years ago.

 

As for whether I'd be FWBs with her again...I'd consider it, but she can be sort of crazy.

[JamesT2]

Actually this update rings a bell to me. I should keep this in my journal but will share anyway. A former ''girlfriend'' (well, rather undeclared FWB) has said hi two weeks ago, she called and we talked for a while, asked what was I up to AND if I was still single. Which is a rather blunt way to ask but didn't mind. We hadn't talked in over two years. No idea why she kept my number whereas we didn't even talk.

 

The conversation went well. And she eventually texted me the other day at 1am (she's on the crazy side too) not asking much, might have been bored.

 

So I said hi yesterday evening but got no replies. I don't get it, it's a ''hot and cold'' attitude. For the record she's single too.

[Mr_LFA]

Actually this update rings a bell to me. I should keep this in my journal but will share anyway. A former ''girlfriend'' (well, rather undeclared FWB) has said hi two weeks ago, she called and we talked for a while, asked what was I up to AND if I was still single. Which is a rather blunt way to ask but didn't mind. We hadn't talked in over two years. No idea why she kept my number whereas we didn't even talk.

 

The conversation went well. And she eventually texted me the other day at 1am (she's on the crazy side too) not asking much, might have been bored.

 

So I said hi yesterday evening but got no replies. I don't get it, it's a ''hot and cold'' attitude. For the record she's single too.

If you're interested in hooking up/FWB with her (assuming you are?), I wouldn't bother with the texting back and forward, just ask if she wants to 'hang out'? Take a leaf out of Blue's book lol

[JamesT2]

If you're interested in hooking up/FWB with her (assuming you are?), I wouldn't bother with the texting back and forward, just ask if she wants to 'hang out'? Take a leaf out of Blue's book lol

 

 

We can take this to my journal if you want to. Just started one. I don't want to disrupt Blue's one too much.

[Mr_LFA]

We can take this to my journal if you want to. Just started one. I don't want to disrupt Blue's one too much.

I didn't realise you had one but sure.

[Blue Spiral]

Actually this update rings a bell to me. I should keep this in my journal but will share anyway. A former ''girlfriend'' (well, rather undeclared FWB) has said hi two weeks ago, she called and we talked for a while, asked what was I up to AND if I was still single. Which is a rather blunt way to ask but didn't mind. We hadn't talked in over two years. No idea why she kept my number whereas we didn't even talk.

 

The conversation went well. And she eventually texted me the other day at 1am (she's on the crazy side too) not asking much, might have been bored.

 

So I said hi yesterday evening but got no replies. I don't get it, it's a ''hot and cold'' attitude. For the record she's single too.

 

Some people are like that, and some people are in fluid situations. Put an impulsive person in a boring or lonely situation, and they'll put feelers out. Someone that's feeling insecure is more likely to reach out...but if the mood passes, they'll withdraw and act as they normally would.

 

I am totally guilty of this. There are times when I'm horny, and--believe it or not--times when I'm not. So I'll message a woman one day, and the next day, I'll totally lose interest in her. Or I'll be interested in a woman, and then something better will come along.

 

Also, I recommend being as vague as possible when it comes to women, so you can let them fill in the blanks. A woman that wants to **** you will interpret "hang out" differently than a woman that doesn't, and you'll notice this in their response. I've said things like "We should get together sometime", and if the response is "I'll bring my bikini lol", I'll have learned something, while if the response is "Um...like, a date or something?", well, ditto.

[JamesT2]

Some people are like that, and some people are in fluid situations. Put an impulsive person in a boring or lonely situation, and they'll put feelers out. Someone that's feeling insecure is more likely to reach out...but if the mood passes, they'll withdraw and act as they normally would.

 

I am totally guilty of this. There are times when I'm horny, and--believe it or not--times when I'm not. So I'll message a woman one day, and the next day, I'll totally lose interest in her. Or I'll be interested in a woman, and then something better will come along.

 

Also, I recommend being as vague as possible when it comes to women, so you can let them fill in the blanks. A woman that wants to **** you will interpret "hang out" differently than a woman that doesn't, and you'll notice this in their response. I've said things like "We should get together sometime", and if the response is "I'll bring my bikini lol", I'll have learned something, while if the response is "Um...like, a date or something?", well, ditto.

 

I agree it's not women specifically. The hot and cold attitude can come from guys too. But I noticed a trend with some women, just don't ever initiate too much, avoid neediness and leave them some space... it works for me. And I usually get replies when I write more than a formal greeting. Sometimes people are just not in the mood. I don't text a lot either, not that I dislike it but I try to go to the more substantial stuffs even though I don't mind joking around.

[Blue Spiral]

I agree it's not women specifically. The hot and cold attitude can come from guys too. But I noticed a trend with some women, just don't ever initiate too much, avoid neediness and leave them some space... it works for me. And I usually get replies when I write more than a formal greeting. Sometimes people are just not in the mood. I don't text a lot either, not that I dislike it but I try to go to the more substantial stuffs even though I don't mind joking around.

 

Yeah, I try to avoid initiating too much, as well. (Well, I try to avoid it entirely...!) On a somewhat related note, I always laugh when women on ENA say that they tried pursuing, and it didn't work, so it must be a sign that women shouldn't pursue. If men had that attitude, we'd have to give up entirely after our first few rejections. Pursuing doesn't work for anyone, on average. And the one stuck initiating is usually the one in the weaker bargaining position, sadly.

 

I don't like texting that much...not because I'm old-fashioned (ha), but because I hate constant communication. I wish that I could communicate exclusively through PC-based messaging programs. If I want to talk to women, I go online. If I don't, I stay offline and never have to hear from them.

 

I've developed a number of women-related strategies, over the years...but I'm sometimes too lazy to employ them. When I care enough to use them, though, they're surprisingly effective.