Blue Spiral's Adventures in Solitude

[Blue Spiral]

Having to deal with... is a bit broad. Had a beef with someone over something?

 

Not really. I had a conversation that was--to me, at least--slightly stressful. I'm sure that 99% of you would find it to be normal and minor (it was less than a minute long), but it was connected to something that's a source of stress for me. It was my first conversation of the day. It was also my last, thankfully.

 

Wasnt Deedee old news? I was also thinking calling or texting in the middle of the night : Booty call. If she knows you are asleep and write random stuffs not sure what the point is.

 

She doesn't live in the area, so it definitely wasn't a booty call. It was actually very flattering and complimentary; she's trying to keep our "friendship" alive.

 

So, I went to my second movie of the year. I greatly enjoyed it. However...there was a woman there, who was about my age and "attractive but attainable". i.e., actually within my league. She was there alone. It sort of brought me down, as strange as that may sound. If I actually had social skills or an impressive career or height or the ability to be monogamous, I might've had a shot with her. Not in this universe, however.

[JamesT2]

She doesn't live in the area, so it definitely wasn't a booty call. It was actually very flattering and complimentary; she's trying to keep our "friendship" alive.

 

Genuine compliments never hurt. Most people tend to be greedy about that.

 

, I went to my second movie of the year. I greatly enjoyed it. However...there was a woman there, who was about my age and "attractive but attainable". i.e., actually within my league. She was there alone. It sort of brought me down, as strange as that may sound. If I actually had social skills or an impressive career or height or the ability to be monogamous, I might've had a shot with her. Not in this universe, however.

 

You often write here how awful your social skills are, I think you are a bit hard on yourself. Im thinking of the waitress. I could never pull out something like that in an environment like a restaurant. I tried and it didnt work out. A Theater, a Library, a swimming pool and almost anything public can be places where people meet... But its never an easy approach.

[Blue Spiral]

Genuine compliments never hurt. Most people tend to be greedy about that.

 

That's true, but, I fear that she's just giving me breadcrumbs, so to speak.

 

You often write here how awful your social skills are, I think you are a bit hard on yourself. Im thinking of the waitress. I could never pull out something like that in an environment like a restaurant. I tried and it didnt work out. A Theater, a Library, a swimming pool and almost anything public can be places where people meet... But its never an easy approach.

 

Ahh, don't give me too much credit for the waitress (or the small number of other women I've met offline). A combination of physical attraction and female-initiated flirting did most of the work. I'm not good, I'm just lucky. (In some ways, at least.)

[Mr_LFA]

However...there was a woman there, who was about my age and "attractive but attainable". i.e., actually within my league. She was there alone. It sort of brought me down, as strange as that may sound. If I actually had social skills or an impressive career or height or the ability to be monogamous, I might've had a shot with her. Not in this universe, however.

C'mon Blue, they're just assumptions. James is right, you're being too hard on yourself. How do you know she wasn't just up for some 'fun'??

[JamesT2]

C'mon Blue, they're just assumptions. James is right, you're being too hard on yourself. How do you know she wasn't just up for some 'fun'??

 

Again, not easy. How to be sure that a woman by herself in said place would love to be approached? Ive done it a handful of times and dont remember it has ever worked.

 

Not speaking about lonely women in bars and pubs because many of them are actually looking for fun from experience. In a theather I dunno. I would guess not, unless she want to hang out afterwards in a bar.

 

I am completely incompetent to randomly cold approach a woman unless there is a context. If she starts talking and being flirty to me Ill be responsive if interested. That rarely if ever happens.

[Blue Spiral]

C'mon Blue, they're just assumptions. James is right, you're being too hard on yourself. How do you know she wasn't just up for some 'fun'??

 

I'm definitely my own worst critic, yeah. And, I'm not that good at reading people, but she seemed pretty serious, to me. I didn't get any sort of vibe from her.

 

Again, not easy. How to be sure that a woman by herself in said place would love to be approached? Ive done it a handful of times and dont remember it has ever worked.

 

Not speaking about lonely women in bars and pubs because many of them are actually looking for fun from experience. In a theather I dunno. I would guess not, unless she want to hang out afterwards in a bar.

 

I am completely incompetent to randomly cold approach a woman unless there is a context. If she starts talking and being flirty to me Ill be responsive if interested. That rarely if ever happens.

 

I highly recommend against cold approaches, given the current laws and "gender culture". I've seen some guy-hits-on-girl situations quickly get out of hand, because the girl misunderstood and felt creeped out/threatened. If your social skills aren't great, and if she isn't attracted to you, it's very easy for it to turn into a disaster. So, for both legal reasons and physical safety reasons (there are lots of neanderthal white knights out there, just waiting to jump in and impress a woman), I strongly advise against approaching unfamiliar women in public. Let the PUAs step on that mine for you.

[Silverbirch]

I'm definitely my own worst critic, yeah. And, I'm not that good at reading people, but she seemed pretty serious, to me. I didn't get any sort of vibe from her.

 

 

 

I highly recommend against cold approaches, given the current laws and "gender culture". I've seen some guy-hits-on-girl situations quickly get out of hand, because the girl misunderstood and felt creeped out/threatened. If your social skills aren't great, and if she isn't attracted to you, it's very easy for it to turn into a disaster. So, for both legal reasons and physical safety reasons (there are lots of neanderthal white knights out there, just waiting to jump in and impress a woman), I strongly advise against approaching unfamiliar women in public. Let the PUAs step on that mine for you.

 

 

Did you guys know that the guy who wrote those PUA books and has the seminars was refused visa entry into Australia as the authorities consider him an undesirable, especially as some of his recommendations to men are considered unlawful. I seem to recall some type of controversy regarding his car. There was a public petition to keep him out of Australia.

[Silverbirch]

 

 

Reece, pretty creepy guy.

[Blue Spiral]

Did you guys know that the guy who wrote those PUA books and has the seminars was refused visa entry into Australia as the authorities consider him an undesirable, especially as some of his recommendations to men are considered unlawful. I seem to recall some type of controversy regarding his car. There was a public petition to keep him out of Australia.

 

I'm no fan of PUAs, but there's a lot of anti-male bias, these days. Sad to say, if a man doesn't have the "right" opinions, some women go into mob-mentality mode and try to ruin his life. That's why I avoid women and keep my opinions to myself.

[Mr_LFA]

Again, not easy. How to be sure that a woman by herself in said place would love to be approached? Ive done it a handful of times and dont remember it has ever worked.

Not speaking about lonely women in bars and pubs because many of them are actually looking for fun from experience. In a theather I dunno. I would guess not, unless she want to hang out afterwards in a bar.

I am completely incompetent to randomly cold approach a woman unless there is a context. If she starts talking and being flirty to me Ill be responsive if interested. That rarely if ever happens.

Yes, it takes a lot of balls to do random cold approaches in daylight and it's not something I've ever done, but I've seen others try, without much success. At night, in a club or whatever is a different story.

 

I highly recommend against cold approaches, given the current laws and "gender culture". I've seen some guy-hits-on-girl situations quickly get out of hand, because the girl misunderstood and felt creeped out/threatened. If your social skills aren't great, and if she isn't attracted to you, it's very easy for it to turn into a disaster. So, for both legal reasons and physical safety reasons (there are lots of neanderthal white knights out there, just waiting to jump in and impress a woman), I strongly advise against approaching unfamiliar women in public. Let the PUAs step on that mine for you.

I agree and I personally think 'day game' is a bit predator-ish.

[Blue Spiral]

I agree and I personally think 'day game' is a bit predator-ish.

 

Yeah, it's way too risky. Obviously, women are individuals, and some women are okay with bolder types of flirting, while some aren't. A move that would make one woman laugh will make another woman feel threatened.

 

The whole idea behind PUA just seems ridiculous, to me. People act like PUA is some brilliant (or evil) psychological thing, but, looking at it from the outside, I think that it's 50% repetition, 40% physical attraction, and 10% psychology. It's just using the same set of tricks over and over, and if the woman isn't physically attracted to the guy, the tricks most likely won't work.

 

My two issues with PUA: first of all, it can be manipulative/dishonest, and second of all, it's way too much effort. Apparently, the best way to prove yourself to women is to...endlessly chase after them and play mindgames with them?? If someone is really an "alpha male", shouldn't they be able to land women without playing games?

 

Having said that, there are some sexual truths to be learned from the PUA mindset.

[Fudgie]

Agree with you guys that cold approach is really not good. Personally, I don't like it when I'm cold approached, not then not now, but it's not like I'd call harassment or anything. With today's current culture though, you have a good chance of cold approaching the "wrong" kind of girl, even if you're not being creepy about it. She may feel threatened and call the police or cause a scene. I can't recommend it to anyone, no matter how conventionally attractive you are. It's just not worth the risk, IMO.

[Silverbirch]

I got what I think was something like a cold approach yesterday whilst at the supermarket. I was checking out the cat food and this old guy was telling me how he needs to get his aortic stent or whatever it is checked. I'm hoping he doesn't lark it in the supermarket aisle, and the next thing he says is: "Do you have a lover?" He's got to be at least 70 and apparently his second wife is at least 30 years younger than he is. I didn't appreciate the direction he took the conversation. If he does it again, I'm going to tell him that I'm telling his wife. By the guys mannerisms, I could tell he's done it lots of times. I just thought he was a jerk and would think the same if he was 30 years younger and good-looking.

[Fudgie]

SB, I would have told him "With your aortic stent, it doesn't sound like you're healthy enough for sexual activity."

[Blue Spiral]

I got what I think was something like a cold approach yesterday whilst at the supermarket. I was checking out the cat food and this old guy was telling me how he needs to get his aortic stent or whatever it is checked. I'm hoping he doesn't lark it in the supermarket aisle, and the next thing he says is: "Do you have a lover?" He's got to be at least 70 and apparently his second wife is at least 30 years younger than he is. I didn't appreciate the direction he took the conversation. If he does it again, I'm going to tell him that I'm telling his wife. By the guys mannerisms, I could tell he's done it lots of times. I just thought he was a jerk and would think the same if he was 30 years younger and good-looking.

 

That sounds like the offline version of my online approach. My strategy was to make extreme statements early-on, because the woman's reaction would tell me everything I needed to know.

[Blue Spiral]

Apropos of nothing, I recently came up with a rough estimate of what I've spent on women in my lifetime. I've been involved with women since '98. I've never dated or bought any gifts (aside from some lingerie), but I did take Deedee and Cee (that can be my codename for my second girlfriend) on a few trips, and I bought a few meals for us, as well. I also bought a few meals for some of my FWBs, but that hardly ever happened.

 

In almost twenty years, I've spent...around a thousand dollars on the female gender. (Cam models excluded.) If I'm celibate from here on out, well, I think I've made out pretty well, in terms of avoiding major financial losses. I've never been to any big-city fancy restaurants, but I have to assume that it'd cost around a hundred bucks for two people to eat there, and from what I understand, it's common for guys to take women to them. I can only imagine what the average guy spends on women every year. And that's before you're in a relationship and buying stuff that only the woman wants--a bigger house in a more expensive neighborhood, lots of remodeling, etc.

 

For all my complaining, I got out clean. I feel like a criminal at the end of a heist movie. I came, I got what I wanted, and I escaped. Time to ride into the sunset.

[Fudgie]

$1,000? Wow, that's a drop in the bucket compared to most. You're definitely lucky. For me, being in a relationship is more expensive than being single. I am happy to stay home and eat Shake n Bake chicken multiple nights a week and not go out much at all.

[Silverbirch]

SB, I would have told him "With your aortic stent, it doesn't sound like you're healthy enough for sexual activity."

 

With or without aortic stent, it was not enticing.

[Silverbirch]

That sounds like the offline version of my online approach. My strategy was to make extreme statements early-on, because the woman's reaction would tell me everything I needed to know.

 

Did you ever wonder that with that type of approach, you would mostly get desperate ones who are not used to having a lot of men interested in them?

[Blue Spiral]

$1,000? Wow, that's a drop in the bucket compared to most. You're definitely lucky.

 

I'm lucky in several areas...but in this area, I'm just smart.

 

This must explain why my savings are surprisingly good.

 

For me, being in a relationship is more expensive than being single. I am happy to stay home and eat Shake n Bake chicken multiple nights a week and not go out much at all.

 

I'm the same way: I prefer staying in.

 

Did you ever wonder that with that type of approach, you would mostly get desperate ones who are not used to having a lot of men interested in them?

 

Well, I only messaged attractive women, so they were used to having men interested in them. (And, frankly, even when their pics were dishonest, and they were now unattractive, most of them still had a good deal of men interested in them.)

 

Still, you have a point. My strategy mainly worked on two different types of women: women with extremely non-traditional views of sex, and women with self-esteem issues. The latter was more common than the former. When I paid attention to them--and I did so in my classic Blue Spiral way--they reacted very strongly, to say the least.

 

No one will ever believe this, but, I actually helped most of my FWBs, psychologically speaking. They didn't think that they were sexy, and I helped them think otherwise. Others knew they were sexy, but thought that they didn't have any value outside of that, and I actually helped change their minds. (Get your jaws off the floor, ENA posters.) That's why I continually hear from my old FWBs: in many cases, I helped them get through a rough patch, and they're still grateful. I'd argue that a similar thing happened with Deedee and Cee. Deedee would agree with me; she's often said that our relationship helped prepare her for her marriage, in the sense that I helped her deal with a variety of issues. (Granted, she rewarded me for this by stabbing me in the back, but that's another story.)

[Batya33]

." They didn't think that they were sexy, and I helped them think otherwise. Others knew they were sexy, but thought that they didn't have any value outside of that, and I actually helped change their minds. (Get your jaws off the floor, ENA posters.) "

 

Yes, for those people who get lasting validation through casual sex, sure it can help - not writing that it cannot happen but I expect it's highly unusual and ultimately lessens self-esteem if the person seeks validation through multiple casual encounters. I don't think having sex can change someone's mindset from low self esteem to healthy self-esteem. Short term ego boost -sure. A boost to get over a break up and get back out there -sure (for some people). Otherwise it's a bandaid that the person has to continuously reapply and the person with low self-esteem/negative mindset will find ways to reinforce the negativity and return to the negative comfort zone. Sex can be wonderful for the person who has healthy self-esteem and enjoys the give and take, I agree.

[JamesT2]

Apropos of nothing, I recently came up with a rough estimate of what I've spent on women in my lifetime. I've been involved with women since '98. I've never dated or bought any gifts (aside from some lingerie), but I did take Deedee and Cee (that can be my codename for my second girlfriend) on a few trips, and I bought a few meals for us, as well. I also bought a few meals for some of my FWBs, but that hardly ever happened.

 

In almost twenty years, I've spent...around a thousand dollars on the female gender. (Cam models excluded.) If I'm celibate from here on out, well, I think I've made out pretty well, in terms of avoiding major financial losses. I've never been to any big-city fancy restaurants, but I have to assume that it'd cost around a hundred bucks for two people to eat there, and from what I understand, it's common for guys to take women to them. I can only imagine what the average guy spends on women every year. And that's before you're in a relationship and buying stuff that only the woman wants--a bigger house in a more expensive neighborhood, lots of remodeling, etc.

 

For all my complaining, I got out clean. I feel like a criminal at the end of a heist movie. I came, I got what I wanted, and I escaped. Time to ride into the sunset.

 

''I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted''

-W.C. Field.

 

Obviously not a quote of yours.

 

I spent far more than that and I'm a bit younger than you. I don't think women will value or respect you on the money you spend on them though. Unless you hang out with prostitutes and escorts which you don't.

 

If I should do the maths, it would be far more than $5000 and I'm probably off mark. Lingerie, jewelry, restaurants, drinks, birthday gifts... I've had my share of girlfriends and haven't been cheap. But on the other hand, showing your affection and genuine feelings works far more than spending on 'futilities'. Oh women like gifts, but what I learned over the years is that it's not all about spending a lot on your girlfriend. I'm not rich either, having a good heart and being at least independent on things like work, car and having your own place is sufficient most of the time.

[Blue Spiral]

Yes, for those people who get lasting validation through casual sex, sure it can help - not writing that it cannot happen but I expect it's highly unusual and ultimately lessens self-esteem if the person seeks validation through multiple casual encounters. I don't think having sex can change someone's mindset from low self esteem to healthy self-esteem. Short term ego boost -sure. A boost to get over a break up and get back out there -sure (for some people). Otherwise it's a bandaid that the person has to continuously reapply and the person with low self-esteem/negative mindset will find ways to reinforce the negativity and return to the negative comfort zone. Sex can be wonderful for the person who has healthy self-esteem and enjoys the give and take, I agree.

 

Oh, lord, you're in my thread, again.

 

I disagree. And I gave them more than just casual sex--I'm human, I couldn't help but give them some emotional support, as well. All but one or two of these women thanked me for what I did (and I'm not just talking about the sex). But, clearly, you know more about these women than they do.

 

I spent far more than that and I'm a bit younger than you. I don't think women will value or respect you on the money you spend on them though. Unless you hang out with prostitutes and escorts which you don't.

 

Money spent on women is meant to be a symbol of a man's overall economic status. Obviously, most women place a strong emphasis on a man's ambition and ability to provide.

[HeartGoesOn]

No one will ever believe this, but, I actually helped most of my FWBs, psychologically speaking. They didn't think that they were sexy, and I helped them think otherwise. Others knew they were sexy, but thought that they didn't have any value outside of that, and I actually helped change their minds. (Get your jaws off the floor, ENA posters.)

 

I'm speechless, Blue...utterly speechless!

 

 

[Batya33]

Oh, lord, you're in my thread, again.

 

I disagree. And I gave them more than just casual sex--I'm human, I couldn't help but give them some emotional support, as well. All but one or two of these women thanked me for what I did (and I'm not just talking about the sex). But, clearly, you know more about these women than they do.

strong emphasis on a man's ambition and ability to provide.

 

LOL. Certainly emotional support is a wonderful way to help someone. You've posted many times that you didn't do friendship so I assumed you were just referring to sex as your contribution. Thanking someone doesn't mean that what was given deserved the thanks (i.e. a person with low self esteem might thank profusely for utter scraps) and, sure, emotional support can have long lasting effects.