Blue Spiral's Adventures in Solitude

[Batya33]

Because it's my opinion, like everything else anyone posts on here. It's what I think when I deal with the same, hapless adults I see day in and day out and complain to me about how their lives suck. I'm not participating.

 

 

For the record, I'm talking about my many coworkers. I think I know a lot of miserable people.

 

 

How sad that those individuals feel that way. Most people I know who are parents joyfully chose that path and find it a blessing, often daily. Even if they hadn't, I wouldn't have let it affect my choice - inform it, yes, affect it, no. I also know people who chose not to have a child based on joyful choices -not based on examples of people who regretted their choices.

[Fudgie]

Yeah and I don't know why they unload it all on me. it's not like I unload onto them. I know there are happy parents out there, I just don't know too many. Why that is, I think my work sometimes attracts martyrs, people who are unhappy with everything and just hate being happy, I guess. But they would be that way regardless of their family status.

[Batya33]

Yeah and I don't know why they unload it all on me. it's not like I unload onto them. I know there are happy parents out there, I just don't know too many. Why that is, I think my work sometimes attracts martyrs, people who are unhappy with everything and just hate being happy, I guess. But they would be that way regardless of their family status.

 

Interesting observation! My friend's daughter had co-workers like that and she advised me not to have kids based on their unhappiness, when, unknown to her, I was 6 weeks pregnant. Luckily she realized she did want to be a mom in her 20s and had a child.

[Fudgie]

Yeah it's weird how things work like that. I am used to hearing them so I kind of tune it out.

 

To be honest though, what bothers me is not when they talk about kids, it's when they talk about their partners and proclaim "all men cheat" and that men have no morals and blah blah. I just find it very offensive and misandrist because there are cruddy people of all genders and I don't agree with lumping them together like that. I have spoken up on occasion but they all seem to think that you hit 40 and then the guy always dials up escorts and I'm young and don't understand but it will happen someday.

 

That really hits a sore spot for me. I have a couple female friends I cant talk to about men anymore because they say things like that and it just bothers me. How does it help anyone? I would hate to be reduced down to my parts and be told that I'm nothing more than an animal who can't not think with my crotch. Why don't more people find this offensive?

[Batya33]

Yeah it's weird how things work like that. I am used to hearing them so I kind of tune it out.

 

To be honest though, what bothers me is not when they talk about kids, it's when they talk about their partners and proclaim "all men cheat" and that men have no morals and blah blah. I just find it very offensive and misandrist because there are cruddy people of all genders and I don't agree with lumping them together like that. I have spoken up on occasion but they all seem to think that you hit 40 and then the guy always dials up escorts and I'm young and don't understand but it will happen someday.

 

That really hits a sore spot for me. I have a couple female friends I cant talk to about men anymore because they say things like that and it just bothers me. How does it help anyone? I would hate to be reduced down to my parts and be told that I'm nothing more than an animal who can't not think with my crotch. Why don't more people find this offensive?

 

Ugh - hate that kind of talk - I agree that in some cases life experience gives a different perspective but putting it that way undermines any attempt to provide insight to a young person.

[Mr_LFA]

I think I know a lot of miserable people.

I've noticed the opposite, in fact. The people with kids are generally happier and more fulfilled, than the people, without.

[Blue Spiral]

I've noticed the opposite, in fact. The people with kids are generally happier and more fulfilled, than the people, without.

 

Ironically, I've noticed the opposite of that...

[IAmFCA]

I don't think I've noticed a pattern one way or the other.

 

 

People who are happy are happy because they have decided to be happy. That's all.

 

No external force can make someone happy.

[Batya33]

I don't think I've noticed a pattern one way or the other.

 

 

People who are happy are happy because they have decided to be happy. That's all.

 

No external force can make someone happy.

 

I think happiness can come from a person realizing his/her dreams/goals. Many dream of having a family, achieve that, and if the dream included a heavy dose of reality, can be very happy based on this externality.

[Fudgie]

I think I know more unhappy people than happy people, regardless of family status. Maybe I just know a lot of depressed folks? Oh, who knows.

[faraday]

I don't think I've noticed a pattern one way or the other.

 

 

People who are happy are happy because they have decided to be happy. That's all.

 

No external force can make someone happy.

 

When I was working at a job when I was 18, I really hated it...and one of my friends (who was a supervisor there, but not my supervisor) said to me, "faraday, happiness comes from within. You can't pin it on a job, or a person, or a goal...it's a decision you make. You choose your own happiness." And him saying that changed my life.

[IAmFCA]

When I was working at a job when I was 18, I really hated it...and one of my friends (who was a supervisor there, but not my supervisor) said to me, "faraday, happiness comes from within. You can't pin it on a job, or a person, or a goal...it's a decision you make. You choose your own happiness." And him saying that changed my life.

 

A lovely story.

 

This is the lesson my mother imparted upon me for which I am over and over grateful.

 

Also a reminder that we may never know how deeply we impact others, such as how that supervisor likely is unaware how much he had an impact on you.

[JamesT2]

I've noticed the opposite, in fact. The people with kids are generally happier and more fulfilled, than the people, without.

 

I think its about achieving goals. If your goal was to start a Family by 35 and you have achieved it, and content with the situation then be it. Some who wanted to start a Family and unfortunately never found the person and/or got dumped in the process. Or were the dumper for whatever reasons.

 

I know a woman whos turning 40 soon and is dying to start a Family. She works, she has her place and a car. But sadly for her never found the right mate. She was in a RS but despite her boyfriend being very kind and a good man (and her age) he freaked out when she told him she wanted a child and a LTR. They are still in touch as friends but neither want more ambiguity.

 

Same with many men.. Except we may have more "time" to have children, but as we were talking about recently here, a man past 40 odds to attract a younger woman to start a family with are remote day after day. Cant regrets things we did or didnt.

[Batya33]

When I was working at a job when I was 18, I really hated it...and one of my friends (who was a supervisor there, but not my supervisor) said to me, "faraday, happiness comes from within. You can't pin it on a job, or a person, or a goal...it's a decision you make. You choose your own happiness." And him saying that changed my life.

 

I think part of choosing your own happiness is choosing to be aware of your future dreams/goals - if you have those (not everyone does!) and choosing to take steps -to me that is internal, not external.

[Batya33]

I think its about achieving goals. If your goal was to start a Family by 35 and you have achieved it, and content with the situation then be it. Some who wanted to start a Family and unfortunately never found the person and/or got dumped in the process. Or were the dumper for whatever reasons.

 

I know a woman whos turning 40 soon and is dying to start a Family. She works, she has her place and a car. But sadly for her never found the right mate. She was in a RS but despite her boyfriend being very kind and a good man (and her age) he freaked out when she told him she wanted a child and a LTR. They are still in touch as friends but neither want more ambiguity.

 

Same with many men.. Except we may have more "time" to have children, but as we were talking about recently here, a man past 40 odds to attract a younger woman to start a family with are remote day after day. Cant regrets things we did or didnt.

 

I would question how much she wanted that if she was already involved with him and did not know his intentions -different if he misled her/changed his mind. I started trying to have a family when I was almost 41 -it is not too late for her.

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I am sure a person can be happy from within without having big future goals- I don't think I should project my personal path to being fulfilled (I was always goal-oriented) on anyone else.

[Fudgie]

I think it's good to be goal-oriented, no matter what those goals are. Could be as simple as "I want to be happy/I want to explore new things to find new things I enjoy".

 

One of the things I've been working on in therapy is to not feel bad about my own goals. I keep measuring myself up to my parents and that needs to stop. I am not my parents. I don't want to do what they do and I don't want the life that they have. I am working on my career and I have career goals, all of which are reasonable and attainable for me. I would like to put away a hefty chunk of my income for retirement once I make more. I would like to take a trip (1-1.5 weeks) once every year or 2 years to see new and different places in the world. I have kept up my proficiency in one classical language and would like to continue my studies in the other. ....beyond that, I am straining to think of anything else I want to do. That's it. That's all I am working towards in my life.

 

When I look back, the times that have brought me the most joy have been 1) traveling off the beaten path and those experiences 2) studying classical languages and 3) being able to help others at work and know that I have done right by them.

 

I shouldn't feel like I am lesser or that I have to apologize for not living up to what others want to see me do. It's my life, not theirs. Of course, I have to remind myself of that, when it comes to my parents.

 

I think a lot of unhappiness comes from people not living authentically. Think of how many people work dead end jobs because they are stuck in their lives, or they ended up in lifestyles that don't match what they truly want because they felt "this is just what you do". I could quit my job today and go work at Costco and make $15/hr and be a lot better off but I don't because that's outside of my field and won't help me get the experience I want and need. But so many people have to do it because they need the money.

 

I really like this link:

 

"I wish I had lived my own life" is the #1 regret for people who are dying.

[Batya33]

or they ended up in lifestyles that don't match what they truly want because they felt "this is just what you do".

 

I know this is a lament but in reality I know few people who act so sheep-like.

[Fudgie]

or they ended up in lifestyles that don't match what they truly want because they felt "this is just what you do".

 

I know this is a lament but in reality I know few people who act so sheep-like.

 

I guess that's good for you. Clearly, statistically, there are a lot of people who are sheep-like, or else the #1 wouldn't be "I wish I lived more authentically".

 

I'm not just talking about marriage/kids though. It expands to tons of things. Going into a career you hate because "so and so wants me to do this". Staying with a job you hate because it's easier. Dealing with relatives who are toxic when you really want/should cut them out but "can't" because of drama. Having friends you dislike. Getting dragged to places you don't want to go to. Having your family/MIL dictate your wedding plans and just having to suck it up. Even just things like people borrowing money from you or taking advantage of you and you hate it but you put up with it anyway and then complain about it to your coworkers/friends/family.

 

The power of GroupThink is very strong.

 

There can only be good that can come from encouraging people to live life on their own terms. I don't feel that many people do.

[JamesT2]

I would question how much she wanted that if she was already involved with him and did not know his intentions -different if he misled her/changed his mind. I started trying to have a family when I was almost 41 -it is not too late for her.

 

That was 5-6 years ago so they were in their mid30s. Cant speak for them although hes close friend of mine and we endlessly talked about it over the years. Knowing him, hes definitely not the type of man to mislead a woman in order to have sex, or cheap sex. They stayed together for over a year. I think she was falling for him more than the other way around and reaching 35 thought he would (could?) become the father of her children.

 

Im pretty much headed this way too. I dont even know how I can still be checking out the terrible OLD scene.. I must be persistent. The offline dating scene having aged and not hanging out as much as before Ive pretty much given up on it too.

[Batya33]

I guess that's good for you. Clearly, statistically, there are a lot of people who are sheep-like, or else the #1 wouldn't be "I wish I lived more authentically".

 

I'm not just talking about marriage/kids though. It expands to tons of things. Going into a career you hate because "so and so wants me to do this". Staying with a job you hate because it's easier. Dealing with relatives who are toxic when you really want/should cut them out but "can't" because of drama. Having friends you dislike. Getting dragged to places you don't want to go to. Having your family/MIL dictate your wedding plans and just having to suck it up. Even just things like people borrowing money from you or taking advantage of you and you hate it but you put up with it anyway and then complain about it to your coworkers/friends/family.

 

The power of GroupThink is very strong.

 

There can only be good that can come from encouraging people to live life on their own terms. I don't feel that many people do.

 

I was referring specifically to what Fudgie wrote -obviously there is a huge range but my response was limited to when a person's main motivation to marry or have kids is because it's expected - I know of people like that but most people I know made those choices because it was a strong desire if not a main goal/dream in life. Even people who live life on their own terms have situations where they choose to act based on what is expected, whether it's for family peace, choosing one's battles, etc.

[faraday]

A lovely story.

 

This is the lesson my mother imparted upon me for which I am over and over grateful.

 

Also a reminder that we may never know how deeply we impact others, such as how that supervisor likely is unaware how much he had an impact on you.

 

Funny that you said that, I was thinking the same thing. I found him on fb and sent him a message last night telling him how he changed my life

[IAmFCA]

Funny that you said that, I was thinking the same thing. I found him on fb and sent him a message last night telling him how he changed my life

 

I am so glad you did that!

[Blue Spiral]

So, Deedee has started texting me in the middle of the night. Not all the time, but every once in a while. Granted, she knows that I won't see the texts until morning, so it's not like she's trying to start a conversation at that exact moment. I'm sad to report that the texts aren't anything scandalous.

 

I think that she and I may be codependent or something...

[Blue Spiral]

Ugh, I just had to deal with a person.

 

Screw this. I'm going to the movies.

[JamesT2]

Having to deal with... is a bit broad. Had a beef with someone over something?

 

Wasnt Deedee old news? I was also thinking calling or texting in the middle of the night : Booty call. If she knows you are asleep and write random stuffs not sure what the point is.