Blue Spiral's Adventures in Solitude

[Batya33]

Years ago I was just out of a LTR, so I was just looking for 'fun'. Met this woman online and ended up being FWB (I guess you could say). About a year or so passed, without contact, and I had LDR in between and travelled to the US to see family. One night I was bored and I still had her number, so I texted her out of the blue, and I believe I was over at her place that night, till the morning when I had to leave for work lol.

 

I agree with that because I have fallen hard, in the past. The pain is the same as a 'real' relationship, in my experience.

 

Doesn't sound like a friend -just a sexual arrangement.

[Blue Spiral]

Blue, I noticed that you have no friends, nobody to hang out with off work. I gotcha. However, you occasionally mention about old FWB getting back in your life. Do you consider these ladies as friends, or old friends or are you only interested in the 'benefits' part?

 

I do consider these women to be friends...or as close as I can get to having friends, anyway. But, obviously, my definition of "friend" isn't the same as most people's.

[Mr_LFA]

I do consider these women to be friends...or as close as I can get to having friends, anyway. But, obviously, my definition of "friend" isn't the same as most people's.

My definition of a friend would include being able to just hang out with a female, without sex. What's your definition, Blue?

[Blue Spiral]

My definition of a friend would include being able to just hang out with a female, without sex. What's your definition, Blue?

 

I've...never really thought about it. Granted, I've never been a "labels" person.

[JamesT2]

I've...never really thought about it. Granted, I've never been a "labels" person.

 

Doing good deeds, texting. Hanging out without sex with a woman probably make you a friend whether you realize or accept it or not. Again, FWB is a shallow term.

[Batya33]

Doing good deeds, texting. Hanging out without sex with a woman probably make you a friend whether you realize or accept it or not. Again, FWB is a shallow term.

 

What it's supposed to be is a euphemism for good friends who get together to have sex when they feel like it -and typically people who misuse it for sexual arrangements/sex partners/buddies do so because they are uncomfortable with being honest about what the arrangement is or they want to believe there is a friendship.

I don't think hanging out with another person makes it a friendship just because there is no sex involved. That might be an acquaintance or a casual conversation, etc. I don't think anyone gets any "credit" for spending time with someone without sex even though there might be a sexual attraction. People can simply choose not to act on it for a variety of reasons (not mutual, not on the same wavelength as far as wanting a relationship, the other person is married/unavailable, etc).

 

I do think men and women who have sex can be very close, even best friends (as can two men who have sex, etc) . I don't think BP is uncomfortable at all with purely sexual arrangements but just loosely uses the term. I've seen far more women than men use FWB about a guy they met on line or barely know because of a discomfort with "admitting" that they're having casual sex with a near-stranger.

[Blue Spiral]

Doing good deeds, texting.

 

I almost never text. I occasionally do good deeds, but they're rarely for women that I'm involved with.

 

Hanging out without sex with a woman probably make you a friend whether you realize or accept it or not.

 

I don't do that.

 

Again, FWB is a shallow term.

 

Well, let's be honest, I'm a shallow guy.

[IAmFCA]

Blue, I noticed that you have no friends, nobody to hang out with off work. I gotcha. However, you occasionally mention about old FWB getting back in your life. Do you consider these ladies as friends, or old friends or are you only interested in the 'benefits' part?

 

FWB can be a decent arrangement, unlike escorts they are "free" and drama free (usually). Ive been here too, and have some good memories of some, maybe more than a few failed attempt at RS.

 

Ive read online that some people keep their FWB for years, implying they dont bang it a couple times a week, but more sporadically... And could go weeks or months without seeing them.

 

Oddly, and despite popular beliefs men are more likely to fall for their FWB than women, generally speaking.

 

I have an fwb I've known for years. We dated, broke it off, went NC, and developed into this fwb thing now. We only see each other a few times a year, due to distance and other dynamics. We trust each other with very personal information and feelings. We neither hide nor emphasize the "main squeeze" partners in our lives. When he feels jealous, he says so and he says but also I want you to have joy. It's a way of recognizing that jealousy is his and a passing emotion, and doesn't mean that I should curtail my behavior.

 

If I get real with someone, I will have to end this fwb thing. I am supposed to end it before I get real with someone, I know. But that's just not going to happen because there is nothing to end. In the past, I have said, no more sexual texting, I am going to focus on one person - so that works, we respect the boundary - the person goes away, and my fwb is still here.

 

Now, I am more cautious about ending it. Why would I end it, until I know I have something deserving of my commitment?

 

It is definitely fwb, though. We have a love and appreciation for each other. We turn each other on impossibly. We just make poor lifetime partners due to different tastes and comfort levels with lifestyle choices.

[JamesT2]

I occasionally do good deeds, but they're rarely for women that I'm involved with.

 

I probably misread a previous post of yours then. I thought you did. Imo that would be a good thing.. You see "Im not only interested in getting in your pants but if you need me for a reason, Im here"

 

@Batya: I was overusing the word friend. Acquaintance or near strangers is maybe more accurate. But there are different dynamics as IthinkIcan just wrote above.

 

Also, f-buddy is another term but is closer to a one night stand than a FWB.

 

Ultimately, ONS, FWB or F-buddies are called late in the night and not paraded around town in daytime.

[Blue Spiral]

I probably misread a previous post of yours then. I thought you did. Imo that would be a good thing.. You see "Im not only interested in getting in your pants but if you need me for a reason, Im here"

 

I've done things for my FWBs, but those situations don't come up very often. Maybe I'm just not aware of everything I do...whenever I talk to them, they act like I've been a big help.

 

Ultimately, ONS, FWB or F-buddies are called late in the night and not paraded around town in daytime.

 

Hmm. I've been out in public with some of my FWBs. I am all about the parading.

[Blue Spiral]

Also: I have been female-free for roughly a week, now. I can't even begin to tell you how much my stress-level has gone down.

[JamesT2]

Hmm. I've been out in public with some of my FWBs. I am all about the parading.

 

I dont get it anymore. In the same page and above you just wrote that you wouldnt hang out with a woman if no sex was involved... Hanging out, being in public, parading. We might not use the same words but I gathered you only wanted sex.. Hence not doing boyfriendish stuffs.

[Blue Spiral]

I dont get it anymore. In the same page and above you just wrote that you wouldnt hang out with a woman if no sex was involved... Hanging out, being in public, parading. We might not use the same words but I gathered you only wanted sex.. Hence not doing boyfriendish stuffs.

 

Sex was indeed involved. Whenever I hang out with a woman in public, there's sex before and/or afterwards.

[JamesT2]

Sex was indeed involved. Whenever I hang out with a woman in public, there's sex before and/or afterwards.

 

Okaydokey.

 

Hows life treating you? No women, no cry?

[Blue Spiral]

Okaydokey.

 

Hows life treating you? No women, no cry?

 

Pretty much, yeah. There's less drama/uncertainty to deal with, which is nice.

[Fudgie]

Pretty much, yeah. There's less drama/uncertainty to deal with, which is nice.

 

It's turkey season right now and you wouldn't believe the stress the males have. Did you know that they lose 20-30% of their body weight during the mating season because they are so busy strutting, gobbling their calls, and thinking about hen sex that they don't feed properly and lose a lot of weight?

 

Not to mention they fall for our female decoys.

 

It's really amusing to me the parallels between nature and human interaction. At first I thought "wow thats insane" and then I thought about life, particularly college, and all the dumb, crazy stuff guys would do to get laid. I was subject to some myself. And then you think "hmm... Maybe it's not so strange after all..."

[Blue Spiral]

I think about sex a lot, so no wonder I'm so thin! In fact, I've been losing weight, recently. It's sort of becoming an issue.

 

Certain types of cold-blooded PUAs tie evo-psych to human mating, essentially taking the "we're nothing but animals" approach...and, I mean, I dabble in that a little, but...no. I'm afraid that, if I really understood humanity, I'd be so terrified/repulsed that I wouldn't know what to do with myself. I'm enough of a cynic as it is; I don't want to see that far behind the curtain.

[Fudgie]

Obviously, we are more than just animals due to our higher cognitive function. We don't have to act on biological impulses and instinct but it doesn't change the fact that it's there. That's what sets us apart from the other animals: choice.

 

I enjoy seeing the parallels. Now that I'm sterilized, I like it even more. I feel as though I've opted out of a rat race that most people I know participate in. I just sit back and watch. Knowing that i am out of the game and I did so voluntarily gives me a lot of comfort.

[Batya33]

Obviously, we are more than just animals due to our higher cognitive function. We don't have to act on biological impulses and instinct but it doesn't change the fact that it's there. That's what sets us apart from the other animals: choice.

 

I enjoy seeing the parallels. Now that I'm sterilized, I like it even more. I feel as though I've opted out of a rat race that most people I know participate in. I just sit back and watch. Knowing that i am out of the game and I did so voluntarily gives me a lot of comfort.

 

Sure, if you choose to see it as a "rat race" and a "game" - but then it's circular -obviously you would feel that reaction if you had that mindset in the first place.

[Fudgie]

Sure, if you choose to see it as a "rat race" and a "game"

 

I do...what's the point?

[Blue Spiral]

I enjoy seeing the parallels. Now that I'm sterilized, I like it even more. I feel as though I've opted out of a rat race that most people I know participate in. I just sit back and watch. Knowing that i am out of the game and I did so voluntarily gives me a lot of comfort.

 

But you're still in the relationship game, no?

 

I've been out of the relationship game for a long time...and I suppose I'm out of the sex game now, as well. I should probably be upset or something, but I'm not. It's a combination of being burned out and making a calculated decision. If a certain amount of effort can't get me a certain type of woman, then there's no point in trying at all, and I'm better off without the hassle.

 

For the record, I may be deprioritizing sex in my own life, but I'm not deprioritizing it in general. I still view humans through a sexual lens. The fact that I may give up on all this doesn't mean I've stopped caring about sex and suddenly want "friendship" or something idiotic like that.

[Batya33]

I do...what's the point?

 

What I wrote -that if you see something as a negative, of course removing that will feel positive. Your post seemed to label having a family as generally a "rat race" that people participate in - but of course that's just your personal opinion. If your point is that removing a choice that you personally see as negative to you will have a positive effect, well, sure - I guess I wasn't sure what your point was then.

[Fudgie]

But you're still in the relationship game, no?

 

I've been out of the relationship game for a long time...and I suppose I'm out of the sex game now, as well. I should probably be upset or something, but I'm not. It's a combination of being burned out and making a calculated decision. If a certain amount of effort can't get me a certain type of woman, then there's no point in trying at all, and I'm better off without the hassle.

 

For the record, I may be deprioritizing sex in my own life, but I'm not deprioritizing it in general. I still view humans through a sexual lens. The fact that I may give up on all this doesn't mean I've stopped caring about sex and suddenly want "friendship" or something idiotic like that.

 

Yes, I am. I started seeing K again but things are good for me, not so much stress, just having fun together and with friends too. I wouldn't wish to date again though. Talk about stressful and weird. But overall, my feelings remain the same. If things run their course with K and it's over, then fine. I am not looking to net him into engagement/children.

 

What I wrote -that if you see something as a negative, of course removing that will feel positive. Your post seemed to label having a family as generally a "rat race" that people participate in - but of course that's just your personal opinion. If your point is that removing a choice that you personally see as negative to you will have a positive effect, well, sure - I guess I wasn't sure what your point was then.

 

I guess my point was to BS, who expressed discomfort at "true" human nature, that I personally enjoy seeing the parallels between animal nature and human nature and customs because I myself don't take part in a lot of it. It doesn't really affect me personally so I don't have discomfort. I've forcibly removed myself from the equation, so to speak, by getting a tubal. Im not worried about finding a good husband/father, or trying to hit all the family milestones by a certain age. I am a mere observer when it comes to this and it feels great. That's all I was saying.

[Batya33]

Yes, I am. I started seeing K again but things are good for me, not so much stress, just having fun together and with friends too. I wouldn't wish to date again though. Talk about stressful and weird. But overall, my feelings remain the same. If things run their course with K and it's over, then fine. I am not looking to net him into engagement/children.

 

 

 

I guess my point was to BS, who expressed discomfort at "true" human nature, that I personally enjoy seeing the parallels between animal nature and human nature and customs because I myself don't take part in a lot of it. It doesn't really affect me personally so I don't have discomfort. I've forcibly removed myself from the equation, so to speak, by getting a tubal. Im not worried about finding a good husband/father, or trying to hit all the family milestones by a certain age. I am a mere observer when it comes to this and it feels great. That's all I was saying.

 

Yes I agree - just wasn't clear why you labeled it a "rat race". I know many people who had/want marriage and children for many different reasons not having to do with nature or custom.

[Fudgie]

Yes I agree - just wasn't clear why you labeled it a "rat race". I know many people who had/want marriage and children for many different reasons not having to do with nature or custom.

 

Because it's my opinion, like everything else anyone posts on here. It's what I think when I deal with the same, hapless adults I see day in and day out and complain to me about how their lives suck. I'm not participating.

 

For the record, I'm talking about my many coworkers. I think I know a lot of miserable people.