Blue Spiral's Adventures in Solitude

[Fudgie]

I worry about coming off as cynical here but....

 

DeeDee probably never changed at all. I think she is/was unhappy with her marriage - sure, and you picked up on that. But she isn't unhappy enough to leave. Lots of people aren't. Marriage gives her the financial, physical (literally, roof over her head), and emotional security that she would either lack completely or partly if she were single. Divorce would rock her life and have a ripple effect over everything. Yes, she's unhappy but not enough to leave. Maybe enough to fantasize in her head and maybe have an affair but at the end of the day she is in bed beside her husband and she's not going anywhere.

 

Not justifying it or saying that she should stay - just saying why I think so many people stay in bad marriages/relationships. Leaving takes more effort than staying. Also, society encourages it.

[Blue Spiral]

I'm sure that's part of it, but, there are other issues, as well, Deedee has a lot invested in Being a Good Person, and for her, that means not getting divorced. She wants to prove that she can make her marriage work. Granted, all that marriage has done for her is exacerbate her problems, but she has a fairly traditional view of the world.

 

I think that the Deedee I was with...well, it was basically a phase, for her. She had her fun and went back to being a Serious Responsible Person. I think she thought that I'd "grow out of it" as well, not realizing that this is simply who I am.

[Fudgie]

If she has a traditional world view, she may suffer til the cows come home, but she won't leave. She had her fun, how she's "being a big girl" by marrying and sticking with it. She may be super unhappy, and she may cheat, but in her mind, it's better than getting a divorce.

 

Pathetic life, IMO.

[Blue Spiral]

If she has a traditional world view, she may suffer til the cows come home, but she won't leave. She had her fun, how she's "being a big girl" by marrying and sticking with it. She may be super unhappy, and she may cheat, but in her mind, it's better than getting a divorce.

 

Pathetic life, IMO.

 

I agree, but I can't seem to talk her out of it.

 

That said, I don't think she'll ever cheat. AFAIK, the closest she came to cheating was with me, and we weren't even in the same state at the time.

 

On the other hand, given my experiences with women, I wouldn't be surprised if "Our emotional connection means a lot to me, but we can't ever do anything" would eventually be followed up by "Yeah, I met a random hot guy, and we did it". Different standards for different attraction levels...

[Fudgie]

I agree, but I can't seem to talk her out of it.

 

That said, I don't think she'll ever cheat. AFAIK, the closest she came to cheating was with me, and we weren't even in the same state at the time.

 

On the other hand, given my experiences with women, I wouldn't be surprised if "Our emotional connection means a lot to me, but we can't ever do anything" would eventually be followed up by "Yeah, I met a random hot guy, and we did it". Different standards for different attraction levels...

 

Same reason why some women will put up with AWFUL treatment from someone they find very attractive but are more critical of men who aren't as attractive in their eyes. Unattractive men hitting on you = creepy. Attractive men hitting on you in the same way = sexy.

 

Women who are truly happy/committed in their relationships and with monogamy in general are not going to cheat. Those that are not unhappy may do so - but only if there is "enough" oomph to go through with it. Guy has to be pretty damn spectacular in their eyes, maybe with money too.

 

DeeDee was truly a futile endeavor.

 

For some reason, Daisy Buchanan comes to mind. Have you read The Great Gatsby?

[JamesT2]

I like the way you both think.

 

It was probably a bit delusional to get Deedee out of her marriage. I'm not saying this is over quite yet, but reading your posts, she's sticking with an unhappy - or so it seems - marriage. Fudgie said it best.

 

The thing is, I'm wondering what you'd expect from Deedee if you take her out of a failed marriage, suggest a relationship, monogamous relationship for a year or so and you think she'd be fine with that? Unless I didn't get your journal and your interaction with women, you're interested in having several FWB rotating, not a lifetime RS with a woman, and as we were talking about the other day, no marriage and kids for you.

 

Sorry I might have missed a few post of yours and your journal is enormous.

[Blue Spiral]

My "realistic" hope is fairly convoluted, but I'll try to explain it:

 

1. Get Deedee out of a bad situation...and, coincidentally, get her back with me for a while. Maybe six months, maybe a year or two.

 

2. She'd want it to be long-term/forever, but she'd eventually realize that we want different things, and move on...hopefully having learned some lessons. I think she'd appreciate that I was willing to help her through this phase of her life.

 

3. She'd leave me and eventually end up with another guy...but this guy would be a non-neanderthal that she could be happy with.

 

Obviously, this is all very improbable, but I'm not giving up yet.

[reinventmyself]

My "realistic" hope is fairly convoluted, but I'll try to explain it:

 

1. Get Deedee out of a bad situation...and, coincidentally, get her back with me for a while. Maybe six months, maybe a year or two.

 

2. She'd want it to be long-term/forever, but she'd eventually realize that we want different things, and move on...hopefully having learned some lessons. I think she'd appreciate that I was willing to help her through this phase of her life.

 

3. She'd leave me and eventually end up with another guy...but this guy would be a non-neanderthal that she could be happy with.

 

 

Obviously, this is all very improbable, but I'm not giving up yet.

 

You're such a giver

[JamesT2]

As for these three options. Either way you're doomed. And I think she'd realize way before a year or two that you want different things. However that wouldn't be different with another woman? You seem to voluntarily or involuntarily want only a short monogamous relationship, within a year or so before going back to having several FWB. Or former FWB knocking back on your door.

 

If that's what make you happy, along with a few hobbies, then be it. Nothing wrong with it, but you're incidentally making a lot of women run the other way.

[Fudgie]

Honestly BS, I think you'd do great in a bigger city where there are lots of poly people. Heck, even the city where I live (lots of people here, but would not call it a well known or "major" city) has a lot of poly people, if that's what you're into.

[JamesT2]

Honestly BS, I think you'd do great in a bigger city where there are lots of poly people. Heck, even the city where I live (lots of people here, but would not call it a well known or "major" city) has a lot of poly people, if that's what you're into.

 

It's only because these are major cities and have far more people than a few John's and Debras within ten miles. Not every rural people are traditional when it comes to dating. And not every new yorker seems to come straight out of an episode of Sex and the city.

 

Heck, I spent time in San Fran, maybe the most liberal area of the US and the dating scene there isn't better than the small town I live in.

[Fudgie]

Wow, really? What made the dating scene more difficult in those areas? I was always under the impression that if you kept your expectations not so high, you could find a ton of people, simply because there are many choices.

 

My city is totally skewed in my favor. Several high-performed, well ranked schools and graduate programs = influx of nerdy, smart men, just my thing. The schools are mostly male too. Nerds everywhere! Gaming stores and tournaments! LAN parties open to the public. Nerd trivia! NERDS.

 

I did go into my local gaming store to pick up a few things recently and going there as a woman who doesn't look like a total ogre is like this:

 

]

 

 

So I recognize, yes, perhaps my perspective is skewed since I can probably turn down the wrong corner and bump into a penis. And that's not because I'm attractive (I'm not really, I'm plain looking), it's because I'm female and of a desirable age (20s). That's it.

[JamesT2]

I actually laughed at the pic. I don't know Fudgie, I see you have a journal and may chime in if you want since I don't know where you belong in the dating scene, that pretty much sucks, generally speaking.

 

Being 20s something and a lady, plain looking or not. I'm sure it's not hard for you to get guys flock to you. For an average looking man it will be much harder... probably it's a question of attitude and personality, not only looks.

 

(Derailing a bit BS journal)

[Fudgie]

I'm not a good person to ask, honestly. I don't want kids, marriage makes me squeamish, etc. I am monogamy-minded (always been) and tend to enjoy to do things with a partner but I like to stay away from "heady" emotional things. I had a relationship in the summer but ended it in the fall because I got freaked out and I ended it, poorly. Months went by, and I decided to reach out, well, also cause I had something of his in my fridge. Now we are seeing each other again and I am focusing on having fun (we are exclusive) and we see each other both one-on-one and with other friends.

 

I am working on myself a lot through therapy and other stuff. That's about it.

 

You know, I think even older women tend to do okay, depending on their attitude and how they look. I have a coworker who is divorced, kids, and she is almost 40 and she gets a lot of attention, both online and IRL. Hot dogs everywhere!

 

(sorry to derail BS, I'll hush up now)

[Blue Spiral]

You're such a giver

 

When it comes to her, I actually am, and she's extremely appreciative of this.

 

As for these three options. Either way you're doomed. And I think she'd realize way before a year or two that you want different things.

 

Ahh, she already knows that we want different things...but I really think that, if she did end up leaving him, she'd be willing to live with me while she sorted things out. I'm more than happy to be her rebound guy (since I'm incapable of anything more).

 

However that wouldn't be different with another woman? You seem to voluntarily or involuntarily want only a short monogamous relationship, within a year or so before going back to having several FWB. Or former FWB knocking back on your door.

 

If that's what make you happy, along with a few hobbies, then be it. Nothing wrong with it, but you're incidentally making a lot of women run the other way.

 

Oh, outside of Deedee, I wouldn't ever bother with monogamy at all. My last monogamous relationship (which was with my second serious girlfriend) was nine or ten years ago, and it's something I have no interest in. For the record, my longest monogamous relationship was...not very long, even if you get fuzzy and include the part where it was still sort of unofficial. Between my two serious girlfriends, I've been monogamous for like a year and a half, total.

 

Also, so many things about me cause women to run the other way...what's one more?

 

Honestly BS, I think you'd do great in a bigger city where there are lots of poly people. Heck, even the city where I live (lots of people here, but would not call it a well known or "major" city) has a lot of poly people, if that's what you're into.

 

I can't afford to move, so it's a moot point. I'm not exactly happy with my region, but I'm sort of unusual, and I don't really fit in anywhere. I mostly keep to myself, so it doesn't matter where I live.

 

The few poly people I've come across online...I mean...they kinda freak me out. Can I be "straight edge" poly, where I'm into normal sex and not a bunch of acronym stuff? I had to look up half of the terms they used, and, afterwards, I wished I hadn't.

[Fudgie]

Such was my experience in my own city. I know a few local poly people and they are....interesting. For people who really hate being judged and being put into labeled boxes, they sure seem to enjoy labeling themselves and judging other people.

 

For giggles, when I was on OKC, I searched for non-binary poly people in the city around my age and it was nauseating. Most of them had self-diagnosed autism (ha!), substance abuse issues, etc. I think there are a lot of mental health issues that haven't been treated properly.

[JamesT2]

I also dislike putting people into boxes, like my former boss would do to us... such is a work alcoholic, such is this etc.

 

I agree again, I don't know if we have 'open' poly people here or maybe some are hiding it somehow. BS is openly poly, since he accepted the label... uh labels... Anyway, yes if you lookup on POF those looking for ''casual dating'' you'll come across a lot of trash and freaks whereas those looking for commitment or marriage are more settled, have profession, good photographs and a fairly well-written profile which is always appealing. Not every poly is trash either. Some women go through this phase after a failed marriage and decide to go wild for a bit. I met a few of these, never lasted.

[Blue Spiral]

I'm openly poly? I guess so, I've just never really thought about it much. For all intents and purposes, yeah, I might as well be poly, given my history, but I don't advertise myself that way. People see me as more of an unusually-ethical player or a high-functioning Peter Pan type.

 

Speaking of flying: I'm not much of a movie person, but I recently saw a movie called Up In The Air. I was shocked to discover that George Clooney's character had a philosophy similar to mine. The "sell me marriage" scene was priceless.

[JamesT2]

Sorry if I was being presumptuous, i think it's a discussion we had in this journal a few weeks back. Poly referring to having multiple partners rotating.

 

Anyway, about movies and George Clooney, do check out ''Intolerable Cruelty" with him. He plays a divorce lawyer and starring also someone you may like: the ''hero'' bounty hunter of season 1 of Fargo, Billy Bob Thornton. Season 2 was alright, but the first set the bar pretty high.

 

I couldn't get hooked on the Americans though. Better call Saul improve episode after episodes.

[Fudgie]

Fargo is awesome. I have to check out Better Call Saul. I loved Breaking Bad. I intend to re-watch that show too.

[Blue Spiral]

Walter White is my spirit animal.

 

Aside from ENA and cam models, I have not spoken to a woman in days, and I can't say I miss it.

[JamesT2]

Walter White is my spirit animal.

 

Aside from ENA and cam models, I have not spoken to a woman in days, and I can't say I miss it.

 

Not seeing the waitress anymore? Are you done with Deedee?

 

Cam women are a rip-off imo. $50 for... 20 minutes ? There's free porn all over the Internet.

[Blue Spiral]

Not seeing the waitress anymore? Are you done with Deedee?

 

No and probably not, but I'm not actively pursuing them, either. If they don't text or message me, ehh.

 

Cam women are a rip-off imo. $50 for... 20 minutes ? There's free porn all over the Internet.

 

I've never heard of that arrangement. I agree, that wouldn't be a good deal.

[JamesT2]

I've got to agree that it's both exhausting and unsatisfying to pursue women all the time for few results and evasive responses. I've grown tired of that too.

[Blue Spiral]

I've just never enjoyed the chase, even when it ultimately works out. And I've never really engaged in chasing at all; I've never even asked a woman out, because I don't care that much. (Now, do I care enough to complain on here? Oh yes.) My version of chasing is basically initiating contact and hitting on them a lot.

 

What bothers me is twofold: first of all, this notion that chasing is something we're supposed to enjoy/be good at, because of our nature. Except...not all men have the same nature, just as not all women do. Can you imagine if you told a woman, "Yeah, you should enjoy being a mother and never doing anything else, because it's nature!" Come on, people are individuals, not everyone is going to be the same. The other thing is that chasing is our "gender role". Women have mostly escaped from theirs, and we need to follow suit. If a guy enjoys chasing, great, more power to him. For someone like me, who doesn't...well, tough luck, basically.