Blue Spiral Posted February 27, 2016 Author Share Posted February 27, 2016 I've never really cared about labels--which has made me hugely popular with women, obviously--but I'm fine with just "poly." I try to interact with other people as little as possible. I have one friend; I last saw him over ten years ago. I definitely feel less miserable now than twenty years ago. I intend on doing FWBs for as long as I can, but that may become more difficult with age. If I ever get in a situation where a woman tries to force me to commit, I'll choose to be celibate instead. My order of preferences: Harem>FWBs>celibacy+porn>>>>>>>>>>monogamy. Also, I have a Deedee update: her husband-related situation has gotten even worse, but I just don't have it in me to take advantage. I also think that it'd screw with her head even more. She's currently in denial, blaming others for something that I'm pretty sure is her husband's fault. (I could certainly be wrong, but, given what I know about him...) If she starts to come around, I'm sure I'll say something then. But, at the moment, I lack the confidence to try anything, and I don't think it's the best time, anyway. Am I just rationalizing? No idea. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silverbirch Posted February 28, 2016 Share Posted February 28, 2016 Yes, I think you're right Blue. She needs to work it out herself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted March 1, 2016 Author Share Posted March 1, 2016 Yeah, if I try to suggest certain things to her, I'm sure that she'll reject them. If she comes up with them on her own, though? That's entirely different. Now, maybe I can pull an Inception and help her come up with the idea herself... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted March 4, 2016 Author Share Posted March 4, 2016 Why don't people believe me when I say that I don't have anything in common with anyone? That isn't a very good term, anyway. I may have common interests with some person, but I'm not interacting with that person because of those interests, I'm interacting with them because of sex. Besides, the "common interests" are usually minor and superficial; they aren't a big part of my life. This issue usually comes up (with others, not me) because of my choice of FWBs. For instance, the waitress I mentioned is, ehh, 23 or 24 or so. "How can you possibly have anything in common with her??" I don't! I don't have anything in common with women my own age, either. I don't want to! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted March 7, 2016 Author Share Posted March 7, 2016 Things are getting worse for Deedee. She has a new husband-related problem to deal with, and it's really stressing her out. I feel badly for her...but she's chosen to put herself in this situation. This is probably (further?) proof that I'm really selfish, but, all of these problems are causing me to be less attracted to her. This is exactly the kind of family-related crap we swore to avoid when we were younger. I did, and she didn't. I believe that the whole model is dysfunctional, but she was always convinced that if she got married and "did it right", she could make it work. I can remember a time when I was excited to talk to her--even after she got married--because we always had a lot of fun. Now, I dread it. And, yeah, her declining physical attractiveness factors in, as well. But I think that at least part of that is stress-based. If I'd been more aggressive ten years ago, I might have changed both of our lives. Instead... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted March 7, 2016 Share Posted March 7, 2016 I do see some people who are in very happy marriages, as far as I can tell. But I think they chose wisely (or were lucky!!) If you pick right, your partner should make your life better, not worse. But people don't always make the right decision. It's hard when you don't have a crystal ball. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted March 7, 2016 Share Posted March 7, 2016 I do see some people who are in very happy marriages, as far as I can tell. But I think they chose wisely (or were lucky!!) If you pick right, your partner should make your life better, not worse. But people don't always make the right decision. It's hard when you don't have a crystal ball. I see it as basing your decision on all the things you can control/somewhat control -which also involves high self-awareness of your boundaries/values/goals and the rest is taking the plunge. When I see a divorce happening because he wanted another child and she did not (a recent example among my friends/acquaintances) I wonder whether this was a new revelation or discussed in advance where someone wasn't honest enough with the other person or himself/herself. That's when it's really concerning especially for the child (who is 5). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted March 8, 2016 Author Share Posted March 8, 2016 Well, work had been quiet for months--it was glorious--but two situations came up, and I'm having to deal with people, again. It's been terrifying, but I'm hoping that it's almost over. One of the situations is already resolved; I actually took care of it pretty quickly. The other one could be a little trickier, unfortunately. I'm really not built for this... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted March 9, 2016 Author Share Posted March 9, 2016 Well, I had another dealing-with-people day. It barely took any time at all, but I wasted a lot of time stressing out about it. I got a few things done, but, ugh. It's just really distracting for me. And it isn't over...I'll have to call someone, tomorrow, and work out the logistics of something. Not fun. I have a stress-related health issue, and the last few days have been a little rough. I need to work on my compartmentalization. i.e., dealing with people when I have to, and not thinking about them the rest of the time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silverbirch Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 Hope you feel better soon Blue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted March 11, 2016 Author Share Posted March 11, 2016 Well...another situation came up, and it seemed much worse for a while, but it seems to have settled down. It was a thing where everyone (including me) initially overreacted, and now we're seeing that it isn't such a big deal. The last two days have nearly pushed me to my breaking point, though. And, really, both situations are minor, but I'm struggling to handle them. I'm not built to deal with people. My long-term plans, such as they are, may be changing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JamesT2 Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 What long term plans are you referring about? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted March 11, 2016 Author Share Posted March 11, 2016 Life plans, I guess? I may be switching jobs and moving. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JamesT2 Posted March 12, 2016 Share Posted March 12, 2016 Okay, I wasn't sure. If you've lived for your lifetime in the place you're now that would be a change. A different state maybe ? also a different profession? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted March 12, 2016 Author Share Posted March 12, 2016 I've lived here...ehh, ten or so years? It'd be the same state, but possibly a different profession. Then again, maybe I'm just freaking out because of recent events, and I'll end up not changing anything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted March 14, 2016 Author Share Posted March 14, 2016 My recent conversations with Deedee have been fairly promising. I'm still afraid that she's too committed to certain ideas to change (back), but there are definitely some potential seeds there. Well, I've always (rightfully) complained about women not approaching men...but, in recent months, women have actually started to approach me, from time to time. Usually at the grocery store, for some reason. They're all single mothers. (Nothing against single mothers, I'm just saying.) Some of them are surprisingly hot, but, I'm obviously not a good candidate for them. Now that I'm getting older, I suppose that childfree women are going to be increasingly hard to find... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted March 15, 2016 Author Share Posted March 15, 2016 There's only one thing that bothers me about the Deedee stuff--the long odds don't bother me, I'm used to those--and it's this: There have been a few different studies about this, so don't think it's some outlier thing. And I've experienced this dynamic myself, many times. (I know, I know...it implies that women aren't perfect, so both the data and my own experiences are obviously wrong!) I'm definitely worried that she's keeping me as a non-serious backup guy, in the sense that she's merely using me to build up her self-esteem, and keeping me as a last-ditch option only. There's a part of me that would like to go NC with her forever...both for my own good and as a getting-her-back strategy. If she didn't care enough to chase me, at least I'd know the answer, and I'd be done with all the drama. If she did, I'd get what I want. I have zero qualms about trampling all over "sacred monogamy". But this "backup guy" thing is something that makes me second-guess what I'm doing, because it makes me think that I'm kidding myself about my chances with her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JamesT2 Posted March 16, 2016 Share Posted March 16, 2016 I've lived here...ehh, ten or so years? It'd be the same state, but possibly a different profession. Then again, maybe I'm just freaking out because of recent events, and I'll end up not changing anything. Do you consider your job/profession stressful already? Would you rather not work (implying you wouldn't need the money)? NC is probably the way to go with deedee. It might hurt a bit to not hear from someone we like, but its just as sad to always initiate.. Men like to be valued, too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted March 16, 2016 Author Share Posted March 16, 2016 Do you consider your job/profession stressful already? Would you rather not work (implying you wouldn't need the money)? Yeah, it's stressful. Obviously, I'd rather not work at all, but the revolution isn't here quite yet. NC is probably the way to go with deedee. It might hurt a bit to not hear from someone we like, but its just as sad to always initiate.. Men like to be valued, too. I agree, which is why I almost never initiate. Deedee initiates maybe four out of every five conversations we have. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted March 18, 2016 Author Share Posted March 18, 2016 Well, that was interesting. When Deedee's husband was causing problems for them, she insisted on blaming other people, and I somehow clamped my mouth shut. I knew that, if I disagreed, it'd appear self-serving...since it would be, despite also being the truth. Anyway, she's since figured out that it was his fault, and she went on quite a rant. She's tired of dealing with him-related stuff, and she insinuated that she felt trapped. That was when I did it: I told her that, if things got bad and she needed to get away, she could always come stay with me. I'm 99% sure she'll never take me up on it, but it's out there, now. I almost chickened out and didn't say it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted March 19, 2016 Share Posted March 19, 2016 I'm glad you told her - now she has that information, she can do with it what she wants. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted March 19, 2016 Author Share Posted March 19, 2016 Well, in the past, she's said that she wanted to come stay with me for a while, but only as a vacation. This was more "If things don't work out in your current situation..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted March 21, 2016 Author Share Posted March 21, 2016 Why am I arguing with post-menopausal women, or even acknowledging their existence? Good lord. Back to binge-watching Daredevil. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted March 22, 2016 Author Share Posted March 22, 2016 I'm not much of a vacation person, but, binge-watching certain shows (and partaking in other forms of art/fiction) is as close as I get. I feel like a new man, now. It's sort of a mental reboot thing. I recently realized that my life has become much more streamlined. This is largely because I've established clear boundaries with women. Women routinely attempt to use me in emotional (and sometimes even financial) ways, but they don't get anywhere, because I know better, now. It's sort of funny, really. Their argument is basically "You should give me what I want, and do it right now, and maybe I'll give you what you want, but later"...and yet, when I use the exact same argument, they get offended or are utterly baffled. "My needs first, your needs second or never" is a good philosophy for thee, but not for me, apparently. Just a little hypocritical. I've encountered far too many women who are shocked to discover that men actually want things, and weren't put on this planet to serve women. It's never good for either gender to get too spoiled. Far too many men are willing to do anything for women, in the desperate hope they'll get something in return--and I should know, because I used to be one. Deedee can be a bit of a monster, and I helped to make her that way, sadly. I used attention and (honest) flattery to get a relationship with her, way back when. She knew she was attractive, and she's always had men hanging around her...she complains about them, at times, but she never actually tells them to go away. That says a lot. When I first met her, her self-esteem was extremely low. I helped her build it back up--and I'm not imagining this, she's repeatedly thanked me for it--but it eventually spiraled out of control. Now, she isn't quite as hot, but there are times when her sense of superiority is in high-gear. Whenever I encounter an unattractive woman who's acting like an entitled princess, and dragging some poor schlub along for the ride...well, I usually suspect that it's at least partially his own fault. He wanted sex with her, he treated her like a goddess and gave her whatever she wanted, and now she's acting the part. Can I get Deedee back without repeating that mistake? Can I help someone I genuinely care about without turning it into a situation where her needs are met and mine aren't? Turn in next time! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silverbirch Posted March 24, 2016 Share Posted March 24, 2016 Why am I arguing with post-menopausal women, or even acknowledging their existence? Good lord. Back to binge-watching Daredevil. That's pretty mean and insensitive to some of us older women here Blue. I know you don't really care much about other peoples feelings a lot of the time, but does make me feel a bit sad. I'm glad I'm not a woman in the Middle East or somewhere because even in so called civilised Western society, there are a significant amount of people who believe that women past sex and child-bearing age are insignificant. Obviously you are one of them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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