itsallgrand Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 You make a lot more sense, and why you feel and think as you do (just based on what you post over the years, not assuming to know you that well nor your thoughts feelings) watching you in regards to making a move on the ex girlfriend who is married and miserable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted January 13, 2016 Author Share Posted January 13, 2016 You make a lot more sense, and why you feel and think as you do (just based on what you post over the years, not assuming to know you that well nor your thoughts feelings) watching you in regards to making a move on the ex girlfriend who is married and miserable. I make a lot more sense...than a velociraptor that can type? Or, like, in general? (Opposable digits = fewer typos!) But, yes, my first girlfriend is sort of the Blue Spiral Secret Origin Story. When it comes to ENA, I've been pretty transparent about my thoughts and feelings, really. This is the only place I can be that way, aside from when I talk with my oldest friend. As I said earlier, I was Mr. Supportive Guy during the earlier, even rockier part of their marriage. Why, you ask? Well, I honestly thought that they'd break up on their own, and I was afraid that, if I encouraged her to ditch him, it'd look self-serving. I wanted to appear safely blameless. Unfortunately, I sometimes fear that my support actually helped them get through it, and that I totally sabotaged myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 Secret Origin Story...well said. Yes, she seems to be a key to a lot of things for you. So maybe, this is what I'm thinking, if you follow this through, you will find a different way, a closure of one sort or another (hate that word but it works) regardless of how it all pans out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted January 14, 2016 Author Share Posted January 14, 2016 Secret Origin Story...well said. Yes, she seems to be a key to a lot of things for you. So maybe, this is what I'm thinking, if you follow this through, you will find a different way, a closure of one sort or another (hate that word but it works) regardless of how it all pans out. Closure? Maybe. A different way? No, I seriously doubt it. I'm me, and that won't be changing anytime soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 lol I hear you. I only meant, perhaps it will clear a space for something new because you will not have 'what if I had gone for it' hanging there waiting to fester into a regret/wondering what could have been. What do you think she would do if you were honest with her? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted January 14, 2016 Author Share Posted January 14, 2016 lol I hear you. I only meant, perhaps it will clear a space for something new because you will not have 'what if I had gone for it' hanging there waiting to fester into a regret/wondering what could have been. If it doesn't work with her, I think I'm going back to being celibate again. FWBs can be too much hassle. What do you think she would do if you were honest with her? A lot of optimism: she'd realize that I'm right, drop everything, and fly out here. A little optimism: she'd be freaked out, but give me the chance to convince her that I'm right. A little realism: she'd think (or rationalize) that I'm just "being crazy" and tell me to drop it or we can't be "friends" anymore. A lot of realism: she'd get seriously offended and never talk to me again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silverbirch Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 Well I think if you've obviously never really gotten over this woman, you should give it your best shot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted January 14, 2016 Author Share Posted January 14, 2016 Well, the way my personality is...I never really get over anything. I've only managed to build two relationships in my life, and I don't think I can build a third, so I'm going back to one of them and seeing what I can salvage. There's some sunk cost fallacy mixed in there, as well. All the effort I've put in, all the goodwill I've earned...might as well try to make it count for something. That said, I think that my last conversation with her ended on an awkward note. As ever, I pushed too far, too quickly. I never really noticed this until the other day, but, a tendency from my professional life also applies to my personal life. When I want something, I become hyper-focused and tactless. I don't have much in the way of social skills to begin with, and when I'm around something I want, they get even worse. I'm less a person and more a robot that's fixated on getting something. I'm sure that I've written many ENA posts while in this mode... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted January 15, 2016 Author Share Posted January 15, 2016 In my defense, and in the interests of being clear: My motivation for what I'm doing...yeah, it has a selfish component, without a doubt. But it also has a selfless one. Whether we get involved on some level or not, I think she'll be happier if she gets off of her current path. The version of her that I knew before all this, which I still sometimes see flashes of? It's great, and the world is currently being robbed of that version of her. It's a cliche, but, I just want her to be happy. Her current situation is ruining her, and she knows it, but only to a degree. She isn't quite willing to follow through and really think about what it means. The main obstacle in all this is the same obstacle I've dealt with all my life, sadly. Traditional culture and thinking. She thinks that if she does the "right"/"respectable" things and sticks with the situation long enough, everything will work out. Except it hasn't. She got married, she worries about what others think of her, she tries to be moral/religious...and she's unhappier than she was before. I can only imagine what this is doing to her worldview, but it hasn't spurred her to action, I'm afraid. I saw (and am seeing) this type of thinking destroy my parents, but I'm going to do everything I can to try to save her from it. It's a very noble justification for lust, I know, but it has the benefit of being the truth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silverbirch Posted January 15, 2016 Share Posted January 15, 2016 I hope it works out for you Blue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted January 18, 2016 Author Share Posted January 18, 2016 I hope it works out for you Blue. Thanks, I appreciate it. I haven't heard from her since that last conversation. Did the end of it put her off? Maybe, or maybe the lack of contact has nothing to do with me. (I can be an egocentric person--though not really an egotistical one, if that makes any sense--and I have to keep reminding myself that not everything is about me, even if I secretly suspect it is...) I haven't thought much about these issues since my last post. I'm not a very consistent person, and, for the moment, I've swung from "I am totally going to help her" to "she knows how I feel, so if she wanted an escape hatch, she could've approached me a long time ago--and, besides, there's other stuff I'm interested in doing right now". If she wants to change her life, she knows where to find me. I don't plan on initiating contact, though I may wimp out and do just that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted January 18, 2016 Author Share Posted January 18, 2016 In a rare installment of The Emotional Life of Blue Spiral: I'm in a really bad mood, today. I had to deal with people, and I've been upset ever since. Ugh. There were things I wanted to do, but I was too distracted/grumpy... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted January 18, 2016 Author Share Posted January 18, 2016 I'm feeling better, today. I've also avoided people. These things may be connected. I've typed the following words many times, but I'll do it again: I heard from one of my old FWBs. We had a nice enough talk, but I didn't put much effort in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted January 20, 2016 Author Share Posted January 20, 2016 Well, I had another conversation with Deedee, though it was brief. (*--that'll be my nickname for my original girlfriend in this thread.) It went well enough, though I screwed up what would have been a great exit line. I feel like I'm not making much progress. I knew this would be a long-term project, but still...am I just being impatient, or am I right? In some ways, it feels like nothing more than a repeat of my original strategy with her: be nice, flirt, and hope something happens. That worked the first time, granted--and it's the only play in my playbook--but I'm starting to think that it won't be enough. I want to be in a good position if something changes on her end of things, but I don't want to spend years having mundane, platonic (for her) conversations, either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 Well, I had another conversation with Deedee, though it was brief. (*--that'll be my nickname for my original girlfriend in this thread.) did you name her after her cup size? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted January 20, 2016 Author Share Posted January 20, 2016 did you name her after her cup size? Oh, most definitely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silverbirch Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 I know you're not likely touchey-freely, but sending you cyber hug. The thing that I have seen in my own life is that sometimes our friendship and support to people who say they are unhappy in their relationships makes them just comfortable enough to stay in those relationships. In some cases, one I have experienced (the person not married but supposedly in relationship) is that they want the best of all worlds and there is not one person who can fill those gaps for them. I thinks it's possible that the best you may do with her is have a relationship with her staying in the marriage. I'm not saying this is good or bad - just how I think it could turn out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted January 21, 2016 Author Share Posted January 21, 2016 That's definitely what happened the first time, Silverbirch--I filled a key role for her and helped her maintain her marriage when it was at its worst. I should have made a move back then, but I'm not very good at making moves, apparently. (Or being subtle. My nickname was that obvious??) The more I think about it, the more I'd rather just steal her, sleep with her, help her become the person she used to be (the world is missing out, honestly), and let nature take its course, i.e. her leaving me because of my various issues and finding a non-neanderthal guy. So this is all a very elaborate plan to become her rebound guy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 That's definitely what happened the first time, Silverbirch--I filled a key role for her and helped her maintain her marriage when it was at its worst. I should have made a move back then, but I'm not very good at making moves, apparently. (Or being subtle. My nickname was that obvious??) The more I think about it, the more I'd rather just steal her, sleep with her, help her become the person she used to be (the world is missing out, honestly), and let nature take its course, i.e. her leaving me because of my various issues and finding a non-neanderthal guy. So this is all a very elaborate plan to become her rebound guy. S,o let's say your plan works. What shape will this relationship take seeing you are not `relationship' kinda guy? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silverbirch Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 That's definitely what happened the first time, Silverbirch--I filled a key role for her and helped her maintain her marriage when it was at its worst. I should have made a move back then, but I'm not very good at making moves, apparently. (Or being subtle. My nickname was that obvious??) The more I think about it, the more I'd rather just steal her, sleep with her, help her become the person she used to be (the world is missing out, honestly), and let nature take its course, i.e. her leaving me because of my various issues and finding a non-neanderthal guy. So this is all a very elaborate plan to become her rebound guy. Best chance of success is to be around her just enough to want her to keep going to you for more I think - that's how it works with men anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silverbirch Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 S,o let's say your plan works. What shape will this relationship take seeing you are not `relationship' kinda guy? Yeah. Could you handle it - would you want to? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted January 21, 2016 Author Share Posted January 21, 2016 S,o let's say your plan works. What shape will this relationship take seeing you are not `relationship' kinda guy? Ideally, we'll have a whole bunch of sex until she dumps me. Best chance of success is to be around her just enough to want her to keep going to you for more I think - that's how it works with men anyway. I tried that for a long time, and it did not work, sadly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silverbirch Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 There has to be a clone of her old self out there. You could give us a detailed description and we could have a little team go through online dating sites to find the clone - one with a better personality than the current one. Um, do you WANT her to dump you or is that just what you expect would happen? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted January 21, 2016 Author Share Posted January 21, 2016 There has to be a clone of her old self out there. You could give us a detailed description and we could have a little team go through online dating sites to find the clone - one with a better personality than the current one. I looked for over a decade! Um, do you WANT her to dump you or is that just what you expect would happen? The latter. Even if I succeeded in helping her improve, she'd still be the relationship type. In my mind, I see her leaving him, staying with me for a few months (maybe even a year), and eventually deciding she wants something "official" and leaving. No one will ever believe this, but, I really do care about her happiness, and I know that she'll be better off with someone else, long-term. But I'd like to help her with her current situation (and, okay, I'd be getting something out of it). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LikeWater Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 I believe you. I mean, this is just my view, but I don't think you're a crappy person. You have the things you care about and then the things you don't (the latter highly outnumbering the former) and that's it. You don't seem to try to lead people on and make them believe you're something you're not. That's one of your most distinguishing features actually, that you're quite upfront with almost everything. Obviously no one here knows what any of us are truly like in real life but if you are in person how you are "on paper", so to speak, then you're just a guy that mostly cares about one thing and you pursue that the best you can't without hurting others. Nothing wrong with that, man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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