itsallgrand Posted January 6, 2016 Share Posted January 6, 2016 I find it strange that you think that was being a 'nice guy'. A good man, imo, and it's only my opinion, and the type of man I like personally, would have told her to take herself and leave him alone. You made your choice, now live with it. That wasn't about being a nice guy, that was about you prioritizing getting a few little nibbles of cam and attention from her, at the expense of soaking up a whole lot of dung. Emotional tampon ploy. Nothing nice about that. A few months of sex with a hot mess of a woman is the big goal here? Well, good luck. Doesn't seem that high to reach and totally attainable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted January 6, 2016 Author Share Posted January 6, 2016 That wasn't about being a nice guy, that was about you prioritizing getting a few little nibbles of cam and attention from her, at the expense of soaking up a whole lot of dung. Emotional tampon ploy. Nothing nice about that. I don't mind emotionally supporting someone if I'm getting something in return. She was using me, I was using her...isn't that what monogamy is?? A few months of sex with a hot mess of a woman is the big goal here? Well, good luck. Doesn't seem that high to reach and totally attainable. She has become increasingly moralistic and is very anti-divorce. Also, I'm going to try to change her back to the way she used to be. This will not be easy... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silverbirch Posted January 6, 2016 Share Posted January 6, 2016 Wouldn't it just be easier to find someone who has her previous traits which you liked. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted January 6, 2016 Author Share Posted January 6, 2016 Wouldn't it just be easier to find someone who has her previous traits which you liked. I've tried that (off and on) for the last sixteen years...it only worked once, and even that didn't last long. I really think that I don't have the necessary social/relationship skills to replicate it with another woman. It was lightning in a bottle, basically. I'm better off focusing on the compatible woman I know than trying to find a new compatible woman. Don't worry, this is safely "unpossible", to quote Ralph Wiggum. It's like idly daydreaming about conquering the world. I won't actually be able to do it, so it's all moot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silverbirch Posted January 6, 2016 Share Posted January 6, 2016 Like it's just a fantasy you have. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted January 6, 2016 Author Share Posted January 6, 2016 Ugh. Well, I'm down on myself, right now, but for reasons unrelated to all this. An old FWB contacted me, looking for some emotional reassurance/moral support--we've opened up to each other more than FWBs usually do. Unfortunately, thanks to my lack of social skills (and lack of interest: I was distracted and didn't feel like talking), I wasn't much help, and she went quiet and left disappointed. I'm not interested in having social skills for myself, but it's frustrating not to be able to help people. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted January 6, 2016 Author Share Posted January 6, 2016 Like it's just a fantasy you have. Sort of, but I'm actively brainstorming ways to pull this off, and I plan on implementing them the next time we talk. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silverbirch Posted January 6, 2016 Share Posted January 6, 2016 Well that's not necessarily your own lack of social skills. Relationships should be two-way and you can't expect your friends to always be able to give you emotional support because they have their lives and issues too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted January 6, 2016 Author Share Posted January 6, 2016 I don't know, I feel like I should have been able to do something. This is probably a good example of why I shouldn't interact with people. In my defense, though, I'm much better at interacting with my original gf... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silverbirch Posted January 6, 2016 Share Posted January 6, 2016 If she's a good friend, she will understand you have your own concerns right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted January 6, 2016 Author Share Posted January 6, 2016 Ehh...compared to her, I have an extremely easy life. Thanks for the support, though. Holy crap, I'm popular, tonight! Another woman just sent me a pic out of the blue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silverbirch Posted January 6, 2016 Share Posted January 6, 2016 Lucky you. Better follow up that pic. Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted January 6, 2016 Share Posted January 6, 2016 Seems like an awful lot of work to get with this girl, when she's already married and is already turning more moralistic and anti-divorce, just my opinion though. It doesn't seem worth the effort. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted January 6, 2016 Author Share Posted January 6, 2016 Seems like an awful lot of work to get with this girl, when she's already married and is already turning more moralistic and anti-divorce, just my opinion though. It doesn't seem worth the effort. She's worth the effort. Or the person she used to be was, anyway. Finding a third compatible-with-Blue-Spiral woman is likely impossible; I think I'm better off refurbishing the one I already found. I doubt that I can pull this off, but I feel better about it than the other strategies I've tried. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted January 7, 2016 Author Share Posted January 7, 2016 Post-plan conversation #1 Contact initiated by: her. Objective: to feel out her current attitude/situation, begin the process of planting ideas, and build positive associations. Primarily recon and laying groundwork for the future; no bold/aggressive moves. Think of it as the sexual version of the Overton Window--the idea is currently unthinkable, but I'm hoping to get it to at least sensible. Tools/resources used: our shared past, emotional stuff, humor, "safe" flirting, re-engineered PUA tactics, and maybe a little neuro-linguistic programming. Success level: 9/10. There were a few misfires (thanks to over-eagerness and my god-awful social skills), but it went very well, I thought. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted January 11, 2016 Author Share Posted January 11, 2016 Well, I'm too lazy to post an update for every conversation we have, but things are going moderately well, I think. I still doubt that it will work, but I think I'm making progress. My oldest friend is extremely enthusiastic about this plan, and thinks that I should have done it years ago. He's right, of course...I wasted way too much time. Hopefully it isn't too late. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silverbirch Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 Good Luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 She's unavailable. You're unavailable. Sounds like a match! It's no suprise you're attracted to something that is unlikely to come to fruition. Pretty safe 'eh? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted January 12, 2016 Author Share Posted January 12, 2016 Good Luck! Don't feel like you have to say that, SB. Based on some of your earlier comments, I get the impression that you don't approve--don't censor yourself to protect my feelings. She's unavailable. You're unavailable. Sounds like a match! It's no suprise you're attracted to something that is unlikely to come to fruition. Pretty safe 'eh? I admit, I used to have a problem with being attracted to unavailable women (being unavailable myself). But this is far more likely to succeed--especially on an emotional level--than anything I've done in the last seven or so years. Also, if I were looking for safety, wouldn't I be going after a woman in a less-dramatic situation? This whole thing could easily blow up in my face. (For the record, this is very out-of-character for me, in the sense that I'm normally all about safety. I'm basically the human equivalent of a turtle. Truth be told, I'm going to have to be more risk-taking in another part of my life, so this is sort of a warm-up...) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 I missed this turn of events of letting women in over the transom and deciding to pursue one in particular. I have a lot of reading to do! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted January 12, 2016 Author Share Posted January 12, 2016 I missed this turn of events of letting women in over the transom and deciding to pursue one in particular. I have a lot of reading to do! "pursue" may be too strong a word...I'm hoping I can make the mountain come to me. I've fostered a dynamic where she's the one that initiates contact, and not me. Today's Blue Spiral Trick of the Trade: when we talk, I make certain to assign certain emotions based on the subject at hand. When I talk about myself, I'm positive and fun. When I talk about her, I'm positive and fun. When I talk about "us", I make sure to do it in the context of nostalgia/better times. When I talk about him, though...I very subtly connect him to all of her current problems, and the overall tone of her life (which she doesn't like). Stress, mundane stuff, etc. I will never say anything along the lines of "Did you guys do anything fun this weekend?"; instead, it's "Are you still stressed out from dealing with that problem he's having?" When she thinks about me, she'll hopefully associate it with something good and carefree, and when she thinks about him... PUAs can keep their ridiculous clothing/style crap and repetitive approaches. I've already got a strategy that works for me... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted January 13, 2016 Author Share Posted January 13, 2016 That said, for as much as I criticize PUAs, it is nice to know that other men are wrestling with the same issue, because we can all go online and compare notes. The 21st century is probably the best time ever to be a man. Sure, we had more (admittedly unjust) privilege back in the day, but we have more understanding, openness, and connectedness now, and that's the stuff that matters more. There's a huge pool of experience and knowledge to draw from online. I thought that many of my experiences were unique (in a bad way, not a good one), but I quickly discovered that they were happening to a ton of other guys, as well. So, I can be sleeping, playing video games, watching TV, or whatever...all while other men are working on the How to Best Obtain Sex problem and posting their results. It's like a real-time social experiment! I'm not much for taking advice, but it's great to have a other cases to compare myself to, because it helps me realize certain things. Ahh, America, the land where we're always trying to build a better mousetrap... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 You're assuming that the people posting are men (or, if they are male, not male children) and that they are being accurate in describing their experiences. Huge assumptions to make IMO especially if you're going to refer to this as a "social experiment". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted January 13, 2016 Author Share Posted January 13, 2016 You're assuming that the people posting are men (or, if they are male, not male children) and that they are being accurate in describing their experiences. Huge assumptions to make IMO especially if you're going to refer to this as a "social experiment". Wow, that's a great point. For that matter, how do you know that I'm even human at all, and not actually a velociraptor that's figured out how to type?? You shouldn't take my thread at face-value...in fact, you might as well stop posting in it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 Wow, that's a great point. For that matter, how do you know that I'm even human at all, and not actually a velociraptor that's figured out how to type?? You shouldn't take my thread at face-value...in fact, you might as well stop posting in it! I do take all that is posted on the Internet with a grain of salt - how many grains of course depends on context. Obviously you can put me on ignore if you care to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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