Blue Spiral's Adventures in Solitude

[Clarisse]

I feel that way the vast majority of the time. I do everything in my power to avoid social contact. Outside of sex, I'm basically a recluse.

 

 

 

When it comes to people, I only value sex. But there are non-people things that I value.

 

As for why I keep coming here...frankly, I don't want to talk about any of this out loud, but I need to get it out of my system somehow. Also, I'm probably a masochist.

 

None of what I say is complete bull--in my opinion, anyway. If I'm exaggerating, it's to make myself seem more human/relatable, and not less. I'm not playing up the weirder parts of my personality, I'm playing them down.

 

You've said before that you come to this site for understanding. So you actually do value people beyond sex.

[Fudgie]

It's always hard when you don't fit into traditional gender roles, on either side, although I feel that society is a bit more permissive towards women being more masculine than men being more feminine. It's not good at all. I think both genders should go away with gender roles. Yes, I get that a gender may have a predominance towards certain traits but the disparity is society-driven, not biology-driven. Men in general are not as compassionate and empathetic because they are trained from birth not to be. Women are more likely to be histrionic and passive because they are told from birth that's how a "young lady" acts.

 

You may be an island but you are free from a lot of these constraints. I think it harms society as a whole but even the liberal "progressives" buy into it. Look at people who are transgender. I've never met one who didn't want to change gender because according to gender stereotypes and their own personality/hobbies, they feel like the other gender. See, most everyone buys into it. It's madness. It's time to stop.

[Blue Spiral]

You've said before that you come to this site for understanding. So you actually do value people beyond sex.

 

How often do I post, though? Apparently, I only need a few minutes of understanding each week...

 

It's always hard when you don't fit into traditional gender roles, on either side, although I feel that society is a bit more permissive towards women being more masculine than men being more feminine. It's not good at all.

 

Amen. When I was younger, I was a square peg that they kept trying to fit into a round hole, in terms of gender roles. Ugh.

 

As for the transgender issue...I am a full-on transhumanist. I remain unimpressed with both biology and the natural world; let's tear the whole ****ing system down and rebuild it in the image we want. I hope we get to the point where we can rewrite ourselves on a genetic level. If someone wants to switch genders, more power to 'em. If someone wants to alter themselves into some sort of freaky furry humanoid thing, ditto. No reason why they shouldn't--this is America, dammit! I long for the day when I can be six-foot-eight and have stripey skin...

[Fudgie]

For the record, I don't have an actual issue with people wanting to alter themselves. I just struggle with the reason. Most of the trans community says they are against gender stereotypes yet if you ask them why they want to change genders, they list gender roles or gender traits. Like having a "male" brain, or having masculine traits. Newsflash: you can be any sex and do what you want and think how you want. I don't get it.

[Blue Spiral]

The way I see it, other people's reasons--for anything--are none of my business. But I've always been obsessed with the "mind your own business" principle.

 

I agree that it's possible to keep your gender while ignoring your gender role...but it certainly isn't easy. And the idea of being uncomfortable in one's own skin is a core human issue, so this stuff really isn't radical at all.

[Fudgie]

I get it's their business, it's just hypocritical. I don't like being lectured by certain people about how gender roles suck when they themselves are being governed by them. Makes no sense.

 

I struggled with my own identity as a woman. I still do. But letting go of the desire to fit in with gender roles and just let it be has been great for me. I want others to feel free too, to be whomever they want. I do some feminine things and some masculine things. It's great.

[Clarisse]

How often do I post, though? Apparently, I only need a few minutes of understanding each week...

 

Does frequency matter? It's still a need and it explains your presence here which others were questioning.

 

Your life seems to work for you, in general.

[Blue Spiral]

In other news, I continue to avoid women that want to be "friends" with me. Not because I'm against the concept of friends (though I'm not really interested in it, either), but because it usually involves hearing about all of their problems. Most of these women are baffled to discover that I don't exist to give them attention. Sadly, men are often enablers of this sort of behavior--I certainly was in the past. "I'll listen to all of her problems and be sympathetic and maybe she'll like me." Between that and (honest) flattery, god only knows how many monsters I've created.

 

I try not to be crude, so I'd never say this out loud, but: I don't want to hear about the guys you're ****ing, I want to be one of the guys you're ****ing.

[TMifune]

I try not to be crude, so I'd never say this out loud, but: I don't want to hear about the guys you're ****ing, I want to be one of the guys you're ****ing.

 

LOL.....Try saying it out loud someday and report back with what happens. I imagine the results would be......interesting.

[Blue Spiral]

LOL.....Try saying it out loud someday and report back with what happens. I imagine the results would be......interesting.

 

If it's outrage, I don't care.

 

If it's attempted violence...ehh, I still don't care.

[Batya33]

In other news, I continue to avoid women that want to be "friends" with me. Not because I'm against the concept of friends (though I'm not really interested in it, either), but because it usually involves hearing about all of their problems. Most of these women are baffled to discover that I don't exist to give them attention. Sadly, men are often enablers of this sort of behavior--I certainly was in the past. "I'll listen to all of her problems and be sympathetic and maybe she'll like me." Between that and (honest) flattery, god only knows how many monsters I've created.

 

I try not to be crude, so I'd never say this out loud, but: I don't want to hear about the guys you're ****ing, I want to be one of the guys you're ****ing.

 

Someone who unloads all their problems on you is not being a friend in the least -it's the opposite of being a friend.

[Blue Spiral]

On a related note...whenever I'm watching TV or a movie, and I see some male character that's terrified of upsetting a woman...I just don't get it. It's usually played for laughs: the guy doesn't realize he's upsetting her, or he suddenly realizes it and acts all scared. That's just not something I've ever experienced. (I haven't witnessed it much, either, but that's probably because I don't spend much time around couples.)

 

My theories on why this happens:

 

1. The woman is the guy's only source of sex.

 

2. The guy cares what the woman thinks about him for some reason.

 

3. The guy cares about his general reputation or something like that.

 

I've never had these issues. I wouldn't let a woman hold me hostage via sex, and I'm not interested in the social aspect of life. I mean, I've had lots of women get mad at me, but I didn't really understand (or care) why, and I either left or waited for it to be over.

[TMifune]

If it's outrage, I don't care.

 

If it's attempted violence...ehh, I still don't care.

 

Actually I thought in some cases you might get laid with that line!

[Blue Spiral]

Actually I thought in some cases you might get laid with that line!

 

I've used toned-down variations of that line with a surprising degree of success. I don't really think in terms of "lines", though...

[Fudgie]

Oh c'mon BS, haven't you heard of "happy wife, happy life"?? It's true.

 

[video=youtube;O8NnE5z9L_o] ]

 

"Every morning, get up in the morning and look in the mirror and say 'F you. F your dreams, F your plans, F everything that you thought this life was gonna bring you. Now let's get out there and try to make this b___h happy.'"

[Blue Spiral]

Wow...I hated my brief experimentations with monogamy, but I wasn't quite that miserable. Granted, my relationships only lasted a few months, and I never really tried all that hard (though I didn't realize it at the time). My girlfriends were actually pretty supportive of my dreams and my plans, but they expected me to support certain things that I was not willing to. Marriage and/or kids. I was willing to support them in other areas, mind you, just not those. I can't imagine being smothered/bossed around for the rest of my life.

 

This is going to sound off-topic, but: the head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles, Chip Kelly, was recently fired. Though he had a reputation as being a cutting-edge offensive mind (moreso in college than the pros, his scheme didn't translate all that well), he apparently struggled with the "emotional intelligence" aspect of his job--and, yes, actual NFL personnel and sports reporters have been using that term. They say they want their next coach to have relational skills and what have you. I view this as being the canary in the coal mine...social skills are becoming more and more important, and the lack of them can sabotage you, even if you have advanced skills in other areas. For someone like me, who doesn't have any, it's only going to get harder from here on out. When I was younger, I actually had a decent amount of success...but I couldn't work with people, and it all fell apart. I'm now about to reach a point in my career when I'm once again going to need social skills, and even though I've improved myself in other areas, I'm afraid that my lack of them will once again ruin things.

[Fudgie]

Honestly, you always came across to me as a little Aspergerian. Please don't take offense. My brother and a good friend of mine both have it but they definitely struggle without social skills.

 

I'm rather socially awkward myself but I do okay in my occupation with social skills. I find that social skills utilize the Golden rule a lot and they also force you to see things from the other perspective. Trust me, I don't actually want to do half of what I do sometimes, but knowing and understanding that it is accepted and desired by the other is my motivation.

[Blue Spiral]

I'm sure you're right.

 

I'm likely doomed...

[LikeWater]

Nah, you're not doomed. And personally, I don't think you have Asperger's. However, I'm not a doctor of any sort. You said to me that you only value people for sex, but if you do not realize, you're talking to people here every time you post. Or at least most of the time. You're responding to someone in the majority of what you post lately. You could say that you didn't want that but you made your journal in the section where people can read and respond. There's a section where your journal could be totally private, but you chose this one. There's not even the tiniest bit of anything sexual in the discussion that goes on here. Maybe sometimes the topic is sexual, but all that goes in within this journal is either you posting your thoughts or talking to people. If you wanted it to just be your thoughts and nothing else, again, you would have chosen the other type of journal.

 

Certainly you value at least the tiniest percentage of what people have said here, otherwise you wouldn't bother. You'd keep your own journal in that other section or in a notebook hidden somewhere within your living space. Deny all you want, but you clearly value discussion with other humans on some level. You also just said that you're not completely against the idea of friendship, meaning that if you were to meet the right person who was similar to you, that friendship would be possible.

 

I guess I'm just saying you can front all you want but honestly... I don't believe you. Not about everything you've said, at least. I believe the majority of what you say, just not that you devalue humans to the extent you let on. Of course, that's just my idiotic opinion. Who am I to say what really goes on inside your mind.

[Blue Spiral]

Guilty as charged...I don't hate talking to people for a few minutes a day. I guess I'll have to work to cut that down. (Full disclosure: I also chat with cam models, sometimes, so I guess you should add that to my being-social tally.)

 

I did consider an ambitious personal-life project for 2016, but I'm starting to second-guess myself, because it'd be a lot of work (and unrealistic to boot). But if I get bored enough, I may try it.

[Silverbirch]

Hi BS. IM sure you can do it and work will be a success for you!

[Blue Spiral]

Hi BS. IM sure you can do it and work will be a success for you!

 

I have my doubts...but I don't even know if I'm going to try it. Granted, I doubt that most of ENA would approve, anyway.

 

I've been thinking about stealing (back) my first girlfriend from her current husband.

[Batya33]

I have my doubts...but I don't even know if I'm going to try it. Granted, I doubt that most of ENA would approve, anyway.

 

I've been thinking about stealing (back) my first girlfriend from her current husband.

 

To be in a relationship with her or just to have sex? If she is stealable in the sense that she would cheat on him with you, would you be concerned about her cheating on you with someone else in the future?

[itsallgrand]

Yeah, what do you mean by stealing her back? For an affair? Do you want her full time?

 

Hee I thought you didn't like drama. A person who can be 'stolen' is drama drama drama.

[Blue Spiral]

To be in a relationship with her or just to have sex? If she is stealable in the sense that she would cheat on him with you, would you be concerned about her cheating on you with someone else in the future?

 

Yeah, what do you mean by stealing her back? For an affair? Do you want her full time?

 

Hee I thought you didn't like drama. A person who can be 'stolen' is drama drama drama.

 

OK, let me try to answer all of this:

 

This is my first girlfriend--the one that left me for another guy, who she later ended up marrying. She's one of two women that I was mentally compatible with. Unfortunately, she's really changed, since then, both physically and psychologically. My (impossible) mission would be to steal her and deprogram her, so to speak. I really think that the old, fun version of her is still in there, somewhere. I want to restore that version of her, getting her into a better place in life, and also have sex with her. What would happen after that? I have no idea. But she'd have stayed with me for a few months while she figured out what to do (thus the sex), and she'd be a better version of herself, so it's win-win.

 

I will now tell you three BLUE SPIRAL SECRETS:

 

BSS #1: obviously, after she left me, we didn't talk much. But, a few years later, after they got married, she hit a rough patch, and she re-established contact. This led to a situation in which I was sort of the unofficial third partner in the marriage--she needed emotional support from me, because he wasn't giving her any. She lived elsewhere, by that point, so it was strictly online. She liked/needed the attention, both emotional and otherwise. Knowing me, I'm sure you won't be surprised to learn that I never stopped flirting with her, and there was some cam-related stuff going on. This lasted for years. Unfortunately, she later stopped doing that and tried to friend-zone me for a second time. I mostly stopped communicating with her, though she semi-regularly initiated communication.

 

BSS #2: from these communications, I know that she still isn't happy with her life/relationship. In fact, I'd say that she's less happy with it than ever. I also know that she's been trying to improve herself physically. I'm thinking that I can create an "improve yourself overall" narrative and convince her that she shouldn't be married to that neanderthal.

 

BSS #3: OK, this one's staying secret, but it's another advantage that I have in my corner.

 

I have very few regrets in life...but one of them is that I was a "nice guy" when it came to not breaking up her marriage. When she was chatting with me/calling me all the time, and things between us felt like they used to be, I was Mr. "I want to help you improve your marriage, you shouldn't give up on it." It would have been easy to say "He's an idiot, I treated you better, you shouldn't have left me, let's get back together." It was hard to resist, and I don't even believe in marriage, but I did it anyway.

 

Congratulations, ladies of ENA: you've finally convinced me that there's no future in being a nice guy. I am ready to (pretend to) be confident and go after what I want. Obviously, it'll likely never happen, because it would require many near-impossible changes. Even if it works, it'll probably take years...but that fits my lazy pursuit style well. I'm not going all-out, I'm going to be subtle, gradual, and patient.