Blue Spiral's Adventures in Solitude

[LikeWater]

Seems like your third option is genderless words on a screen.

[LikeWater]

I missed the edit window, but after thinking a bit I had more I wanted to say.

 

I guess I'm just wondering why you even bother coming here and interacting with us. Based on what you said it seems like you just don't like humans. You like sex, but you don't at all care for the person that comes with it. So you come here, you talk with us a bit, answer questions, but do you loathe us, shake your head and think about how ignorant we are? How far we are from understanding where you're coming from? Because it seems a lot of us just have some trouble wrapping our heads around it. I've always found it a little amusing just how blatantly separated from the "normal" you come off as. In a lot of those ways I relate. We have almost identical thoughts on marriage and how much of an outdated and downright senseless trap it is.

 

I guess where we differentiate is that I desire a female companion who I actually like, can hang out with and feel completely at home. Engage in interesting conversation with. Where as it seems you just want like... a robot f**k buddy. I'm pretty sure I recall you mentioning that you have connected with someone outside of a bodily fixation before, and I'm just wondering why that seems impossible to you now? Why it can't happen again? Or do you just not want it to?

[Blue Spiral]

I liked (and loved) my girlfriends, and I sort of liked my FWBs. But my girlfriends changed and I didn't like my FWBs that much. Not the ones I could keep, anyway.

 

I keep coming here because I'm secretly an eternal optimist--I'd have to be, given how hopeless my life has been at times--and I keep hoping that people will change. I know it'll never happen, but...

 

Full disclosure: I don't have much of an emotional connection to humanity. If I woke up tomorrow and found myself in a "last person on earth" situation, where everyone else had mysteriously vanished, I'd either shrug my shoulders or jump for joy. Granted, I'd probably starve in short order, because standing in front of a powerless microwave and saying "Please work" isn't the best survival strategy.

 

Also, I keep hoping for robot **** buddies, but I'm afraid that I was born about a century too soon.

[itsallgrand]

So have you watched Ex Machina yet? It was pretty fun to watch. Re: robot sex buddies.

[Blue Spiral]

I did not...those robots looked pretty flat. I'll wait for the upgraded models.

[LikeWater]

In full honesty I'm too drunk at this point to reply to you adequately. Listening to the wrong type of music and having to delete and retype so many things... it's not worth it. But I will come back to you with... my view? In this state of hunger and after what you've mentioned I don't even know if that's the least bit important. But it is all I have and all I can offer.

[Clarisse]

I keep coming here because I'm secretly an eternal optimist--I'd have to be, given how hopeless my life has been at times--and I keep hoping that people will change. I know it'll never happen, but...

 

How do you hope people will change? If you could create the perfect existence for yourself, what would it be? Completely open sexual relationships with zero commitment ever (marriage or otherwise)? You pretty much have that now, right? Except that it's too much work maybe? Do your FWBs require too much conversation? Would you want a girlfriend who gave your regular sex plus allowed you to freely sleep with others? I've read your journal and you seem pretty frustrated most of the time, but I have no idea what you're really looking for.

 

I don't entirely buy that you don't feel connected to humanity. You've spoken to others here with compassion and empathy. You speak fondly of your nieces and nephews. There is warmth there and it appears genuine.

 

Like the above poster, I share some of your views on marriage and I agree with you on other issues as well - such as being a humanist. But for the life of me, I cannot figure out what you really want from your fellow humans - in real life or here on ENA.

 

Your journal is always a good read, though. You're interesting, if not perplexing.

[Blue Spiral]

In full honesty I'm too drunk at this point to reply to you adequately.

 

No rush, I can wait.

 

How do you hope people will change? If you could create the perfect existence for yourself, what would it be? Completely open sexual relationships with zero commitment ever (marriage or otherwise)? You pretty much have that now, right? Except that it's too much work maybe? Do your FWBs require too much conversation? Would you want a girlfriend who gave your regular sex plus allowed you to freely sleep with others? I've read your journal and you seem pretty frustrated most of the time, but I have no idea what you're really looking for.

 

My actual ideal is so impossible (and gloriously ridiculous) that it's not even worth discussing.

 

My slightly-less-impossible (though not by much) ideal would be minimally-emotional, minimally-time-intensive polyamory. My harem would be busy living their lives, and I'd just pop in once a day.

 

I don't entirely buy that you don't feel connected to humanity. You've spoken to others here with compassion and empathy. You speak fondly of your nieces and nephews. There is warmth there and it appears genuine.

 

Well, I can be disconnected from humanity without being soulless or evil. Most of the time. Or some of the time, anyway. My mood tends to vary pretty wildly, actually, so I'm provably human at least one percent of the time. Wait, what were we talking about?

 

Like the above poster, I share some of your views on marriage and I agree with you on other issues as well - such as being a humanist. But for the life of me, I cannot figure out what you really want from your fellow humans - in real life or here on ENA.

 

In real life--sex.

 

On ENA--understanding.

 

Your journal is always a good read, though. You're interesting, if not perplexing.

 

Thank you.

[Batya33]

Seems to me that quite often the "understanding" you desire is agreement/validation that your generalizations about women, marriage and relationships are "right". Certainly I for one understand that serious relationships are not something you want and a situation that might not suit your lifestyle. It's silly to pressure someone or even try to convince a person that commitment is better than being single (or vice versa) because it is so individual. That is distinct from disagreeing with your negative generalizations about women and the benefits/downsides of commitment/marriage.

[Blue Spiral]

Seems to me that quite often the "understanding" you desire is agreement/validation that your generalizations about women, marriage and relationships are "right".

 

Actually, my harem and I wouldn't talk about that kind of boring crap, so I'd have no idea what they thought about it.

[Batya33]

Actually, my harem and I wouldn't talk about that kind of boring crap, so I'd have no idea what they thought about it.

 

LOL. Actually I was responding to your "On ENA--understanding."

 

Of course in your fantasy that wouldn't be a subject of discussion whether boring or otherwise because as you've mentioned, you claim to have no desire for much conversation at all.

 

I agree that your generalizations do get a bit repetitive but I wouldn't go so far as "boring crap".

[LikeWater]

In full honesty I'm too drunk at this point to reply to you adequately. Listening to the wrong type of music and having to delete and retype so many things... it's not worth it. But I will come back to you with... my view? In this state of hunger and after what you've mentioned I don't even know if that's the least bit important. But it is all I have and all I can offer.

 

I'm laughing my ass off at this post right here. I don't even remember typing it, and it's just such a worthless, silly little paragraph. This is what happens when you go full whiskey.

 

Hope ya don't mind having this crap in your journal, BS.

[Clarisse]

My actual ideal is so impossible (and gloriously ridiculous) that it's not even worth discussing.

 

But I'm really, REALLY curious.

 

The rest of your explanation matches my assumption. I can't relate, but I understand.

[Blue Spiral]

Hope ya don't mind having this crap in your journal, BS.

 

Ehh, it's better than anything Batya has posted in the last 102 pages.

 

But I'm really, REALLY curious.

 

The rest of your explanation matches my assumption. I can't relate, but I understand.

 

OK, here goes. I've never actually told anyone this. I want two things:

 

1. Unlimited sexual access to every woman (over the age of eighteen) on this planet.

 

2. A global video surveillance network so I can constantly watch every woman (over the age of eighteen) on this planet.

 

Now, as I said, these things are impossible. The first one is impossible because the vast majority of women wouldn't go for that; the second one is impossible for logistical and legal reasons.

 

I can still dream, though...

[Fudgie]

Sounds like you should have been reincarnated as Zeus, hehe, I kid. Yes, you can still dream.

[TMifune]

2. A global video surveillance network so I can constantly watch every woman (over the age of eighteen) on this planet.

 

Blue Spiral, don't be this guy!!

 

]

 

Season 16 Episode 10 if you're interested in watching it.

[Blue Spiral]

Sounds like you should have been reincarnated as Zeus, hehe, I kid. Yes, you can still dream.

 

I don't want to give birth to anyone out of my forehead...

 

Blue Spiral, don't be this guy!!

 

That's...pretty close to what I had in mind, actually.

[Blue Spiral]

Well, I took a vacation from people (cam models excepted) for about 24 hours. That was enjoyable.

 

I'm doing extremely well...but when I come on ENA and am reminded about certain things...agh. I'm so, so glad that I only have to discuss most of this stuff, and don't have to actually deal with it on a day-to-day basis.

[meoww]

Hey, just browsing your journal and found myself wondering, how do you determine whether someone is really bragging or not? You might be reading into things a little too much. I hope you don't take it the wrong way, some of what you write about sounds like subconscious denial or just plain unhealthy patterns of thinking, not necessarily the real you. That can be changed. Just saying, it's not much fun being disconnected from people all the time.

 

I mean, your criticisms are mostly valid, America is a nation of extremes, but it seems a little extreme in it of itself to conclude that you basically only value sex in this world. The weird thing is that I went through a period of time feeling this same way exact way! Maybe it was a necessary phase, but I hindered my own emotional growth too.

[Blue Spiral]

Hey, just browsing your journal and found myself wondering, how do you determine whether someone is really bragging or not? You might be reading into things a little too much.

 

Yeah, as I said, I'm hypersensitive to it. But I'm still shocked by the amount of "I'm better at my job/more responsible/more moral/etc."-type conversation that I hear.

 

I hope you don't take it the wrong way, some of what you write about sounds like subconscious denial or just plain unhealthy patterns of thinking, not necessarily the real you. That can be changed.

 

What am I in denial about? Also: this is a slightly-muted version of me. The real me is more extreme, not less.

 

Just saying, it's not much fun being disconnected from people all the time.

 

I think it is. For me, being connected to people is a nightmare.

 

I mean, your criticisms are mostly valid, America is a nation of extremes, but it seems a little extreme in it of itself to conclude that you basically only value sex in this world. The weird thing is that I went through a period of time feeling this same way exact way! Maybe it was a necessary phase, but I hindered my own emotional growth too.

 

In terms of people, I only value sex. I value several non-people things.

 

Most people go through a hyper-sexual phase, even if it's very brief. I was the opposite: I went through a very brief monogamous phase. I have a year of monogamy to fifteen years of no-strings sex.

[meoww]

Haha man you are a lost cause. Being connected to people is a nightmare? Everyone feels that way sometimes, that's not a philosophical stance or worldview, it's a universal reality. You take the good in with the bad. Maybe I'm just projecting, and if so I apologize for being presumptuous but I really think I can relate.

 

As cheesy as it sounds, you don't seem to love yourself. I get blinders on too, for years and when they come off I feel a lot of regret. That's why I commented in here.

[meoww]

Sorry, I wasn't done replying when I accidentally hit post. The way I see it, there's healthy detachment from harmful things and unhealthy detachment, that in a way is similar to black in white thinking in that it gives people a false sense of security and simplicity.There's a limit to how much you can detach before you lose touch with reality. I think that if detachment becomes a primary coping mechanism, we lose out on the truth. Maybe I'm still deluding myself. In a perfect world none of the challenges we face would exist, but I think there would still be a drive to be creative and connect. Don't shoot yourself in the foot because you have an itchy toe or something, you know what I mean? There are times when I feel I'm being sized up like a chimp in a territorial dispute and it's frustrating but I'm hoping its worth it to get past those flaws so I can learn from people who frustrate me and vice versa. I'm trying to be more approachable because I realized that I have tunnel vision sometimes, there are things I'm totally wrong or ignorant of that I'd rather not be in the dark about.

[LikeWater]

If you only value sex, what keeps you coming to this webiste? There's more to you than you let on, Blue Spiral. Deny it all you want, but there is. You have some little reason you want to keep coming to this website; some reason you want talk and discuss parts of your life with others. I think there's a lot more to you than you'd like to let on. I guess I just don't get why you come to the website at all. According to you, there's nothing here, even within your journal, that's within your interests. That's why I think that some of what you have to say is complete bullsh**t. There's something about this website and/or the people here that keeps you coming back.

[Blue Spiral]

Haha man you are a lost cause. Being connected to people is a nightmare? Everyone feels that way sometimes,

 

I feel that way the vast majority of the time. I do everything in my power to avoid social contact. Outside of sex, I'm basically a recluse.

 

If you only value sex, what keeps you coming to this webiste? There's more to you than you let on, Blue Spiral. Deny it all you want, but there is. You have some little reason you want to keep coming to this website; some reason you want talk and discuss parts of your life with others. I think there's a lot more to you than you'd like to let on. I guess I just don't get why you come to the website at all. According to you, there's nothing here, even within your journal, that's within your interests. That's why I think that some of what you have to say is complete bullsh**t. There's something about this website and/or the people here that keeps you coming back.

 

When it comes to people, I only value sex. But there are non-people things that I value.

 

As for why I keep coming here...frankly, I don't want to talk about any of this out loud, but I need to get it out of my system somehow. Also, I'm probably a masochist.

 

None of what I say is complete bull--in my opinion, anyway. If I'm exaggerating, it's to make myself seem more human/relatable, and not less. I'm not playing up the weirder parts of my personality, I'm playing them down.

[Blue Spiral]

I'm not much of a holiday person, so my schedule has been mostly the same, lately. I'm doing the things I always do.

 

I finally got a new phone. My old phone had a number of old texts from my second girlfriend, and it feels weird not to have them (or to have her in my contact list) anymore. It's now sharing a drawer with my original cell phone, which also has some texts from her.

 

I heard from some of my former FWBs on Christmas. I wish I could say it wasn't disappointing. They complained about problems and talked about stuff that I'm not really interested in. When it comes to women, I have the memory of a goldfish. I put them on pedestals as sex-objects, and then I hear about all the problems they have, and I'm reminded that they're people, and I just sort of say "eww" and back away. But I will immediately forget about this, and get all excited the next time I hear from one...

 

I'm tired of dealing with my own gender, too. When it comes to men like me--men that reject marriage, having kids, and sometimes monogamy--half of them are bat***t-crazy traditionalists that want to force women back into the kitchen, and half of them are PUAs, who are either low-functioning and playing the numbers game or high-functioning and creepily obsessed with evo-psych and gender roles. There's a small sane/moderate faction, but I feel like a man without a country, in terms of gender. I am a pro-modernity, anti-gender-role hedonist who longs to destroy monogamy and all of its works. Surely there must be, um, dozens of men like me.