Patrick974 Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 Lifes good when you have/do whatever you want. Its not always like that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 Lifes good when you have/do whatever you want. Its not always like that. I find that people appreciate what they have more when they have to work for it/go through hard times or times of sacrifice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted August 29, 2015 Author Share Posted August 29, 2015 Lifes good when you have/do whatever you want. Its not always like that. I must be spoiled, because my life has often (usually?) been like that. Granted, I'm not a materialistic person at all, so that makes the "have" part a lot easier. I occasionally have to do things I don't want to...but I can think about things I enjoy while I'm doing them. My "I'm doing what I want and screw what anyone else thinks" approach hasn't exactly made me popular or brought me worldly success, mind you, but I don't care about either of those things. Now, in terms of women--yeah, I'm not anywhere close to having what I want. But my wants are pretty extreme, in that area. I find that people appreciate what they have more when they have to work for it/go through hard times or times of sacrifice. That's never been true for me. Especially when it comes to women... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 Yes, if you have few goals for yourself then sure it's easier to be satisfied with what you've attained. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted August 30, 2015 Author Share Posted August 30, 2015 Yes, if you have few goals for yourself then sure it's easier to be satisfied with what you've attained. I actually have quite a few goals for myself...they just don't have anything to do with other people. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 I actually have quite a few goals for myself...they just don't have anything to do with other people. Never said they did. If you do have goals of some kind then you know it takes work/persistence/often sacrifice to achieve them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted August 30, 2015 Author Share Posted August 30, 2015 Never said they did. If you do have goals of some kind then you know it takes work/persistence/often sacrifice to achieve them. Not...really. At least, it doesn't feel like work to me. I do stuff because I enjoy it, not because I'm "persistent". And I don't know that I've sacrificed anything that I didn't feel strongly about in the first place. On the whole, I think that goals are overrated, personally. In my ideal society, humanity would be more concerned with being, rather than doing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 Not...really. At least, it doesn't feel like work to me. I do stuff because I enjoy it, not because I'm "persistent". And I don't know that I've sacrificed anything that I didn't feel strongly about in the first place. On the whole, I think that goals are overrated, personally. In my ideal society, humanity would be more concerned with being, rather than doing. You're assuming that goals all have to do with "doing" -often goals have to do with personal improvement whether emotional, mental or physical health. And of course being and doing are inextricably intertwined -what you do very often affects who you are as a person. For example we have the anniversary of Katrina and the many stories of people who changed who they were, inside, by how they reacted to Katrina by helping their community in various ways. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted August 30, 2015 Author Share Posted August 30, 2015 You're assuming that goals all have to do with "doing" -often goals have to do with personal improvement whether emotional, mental or physical health. And of course being and doing are inextricably intertwined -what you do very often affects who you are as a person. For example we have the anniversary of Katrina and the many stories of people who changed who they were, inside, by how they reacted to Katrina by helping their community in various ways. I guess so. I don't think about that kind of stuff very often. I like who I am, basically. I'm not thrilled about my social anxiety, and I tried to work on that for a while, to help with girls...but I was never that interested in people, so I doubted I tried all that hard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thejigsup Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 Relationships most of the time, do not improve the quality of your life. When they are good, yes, indeed! From reading on here and in my personal experience, only about 1 in 5 last longer than 5 years. I don't consider them a success unless we get at least 5 fantastic years. I've had that a few times, so I know what it is when I see it. They DON'T take a lot of work because the person is so much like you, you both want the same things and see the world the same way. It's easy. Those are the only relationships I deem "successes". If I can't have one of those, I'm very happy being single and hanging with my friends and doing whatever I want. . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 I guess so. I don't think about that kind of stuff very often. I like who I am, basically. I'm not thrilled about my social anxiety, and I tried to work on that for a while, to help with girls...but I was never that interested in people, so I doubted I tried all that hard. That's great. As do I. To me part of liking oneself is wanting to improve in whatever areas make sense/need improvement because of external situations. To me it's never stagnant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted September 2, 2015 Author Share Posted September 2, 2015 Things continue to go well with my two main FWBs...but EMILY keeps getting back in contact with me. On several occasions, EMILY has told me that, unless I start doing X or stop doing Y, she won't sleep with me again. I told her that was fine by me--she isn't my only option. The look on her face...my god, it was priceless. I've been dealing with women for a long time, now, and if there's one thing I've learned about them, it's this: aside from withholding sex, they don't really have any tools in their toolbox, so to speak. That's all they've ever had to do to get what they want, and once it doesn't work, they might as well be fish flopping around on dry land. I told her that she'd have to give me reasons to do those things, and she just stared at me blankly. I'm constantly searching for women online, and I've discovered a strange subset--namely, women who feel entitled to platonic interaction with men. I'm clear about what I'm looking for, but they keep wanting to talk about completely non-sexual stuff, and are confused when I don't want to. They want to talk about what they want to, and never what I want to, and they somehow view that as being completely reasonable. They must be used to "nice guys" that put up with anything in the hopes of sex. Am I a player now? I use the same lines and approach every time...but that's because I'm lazy, and also because I've sort of got this down to a science. You'd think a player would be better-dressed, though... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patrick974 Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 If you made your intentions to Emily clear, then yes. I understand why it puzzles you. Maybe you should leave it at that if you cant give her more than what you do now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted September 2, 2015 Author Share Posted September 2, 2015 I'm just not used to not responding when a woman contacts me. I'm sure that women are used to ignoring men, but most men aren't in a position where they can ignore women. My first instinct when I hear from her is to reply. I'm going to have to condition myself, somehow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 "I've been dealing with women for a long time, now, and if there's one thing I've learned about them, it's this: aside from withholding sex, they don't really have any tools in their toolbox, so to speak. That's all they've ever had to do to get what they want, and once it doesn't work, they might as well be fish flopping around on dry land. I told her that she'd have to give me reasons to do those things, and she just stared at me blankly. " Nothing to do with women or gender -just has to do with individuals who choose to interact with other individuals where the only thing in common is an interest in having casual sex. Of course that dynamic tends to happen in that particular arrangement. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Am I a player now? I use the same lines and approach every time...but that's because I'm lazy, and also because I've sort of got this down to a science. You'd think a player would be better-dressed, though... I think a player would have said, "ok, I'll do X and stop doing Y...." (or somehow dodged the question) and then gone ahead and kept whatever he wanted, or maybe made minor improvements enough to appease Emily, while still dating Annie and chatting up new prospects, Fiona and Greta. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 Nothing to do with women or gender -just has to do with individuals who choose to interact with other individuals where the only thing in common is an interest in having casual sex. Of course that dynamic tends to happen in that particular arrangement. You're completely wrong, in my opinion--and I really don't appreciate how you keep trying to pigeonhole my experiences. The same thing happened with my girlfriends, and I've heard of other guys dealing with the exact same thing from their girlfriends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clarisse Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I'm not sure it's entitlement so much as denial. She doesn't seem to want to believe that you're interested in a purely sexual relationship only. It seems that you're willing to entertain some non-sexual conversation, so long as sex is the primary focus of your interaction, yes? She is either very naive or in complete denial. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 You're completely wrong, in my opinion--and I really don't appreciate how you keep trying to pigeonhole my experiences. The same thing happened with my girlfriends, and I've heard of other guys dealing with the exact same thing from their girlfriends. i think what batya is trying to say is that your FWB doesn't have any kind of leverage over you besides sex. If we're talking about your female boss or your female landlord, they obviously have other ways besides sex to get from you what they want. Even in a romantic relationship, there are many forms of leverage. It's all about sex because you made it all about sex. im friends with a married couple - they have a small business and a small child together and 2 apartments. You can imagine that she has many forms of leverage besides sex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 You're completely wrong, in my opinion--and I really don't appreciate how you keep trying to pigeonhole my experiences. The same thing happened with my girlfriends, and I've heard of other guys dealing with the exact same thing from their girlfriends. And I don't appreciate your disparagement of women. You do your own pigeon-holing with all your restrictions. Having a few girlfriends means you can generalize about how women apparently use sex to get leverage? Even if you'd had 50 girlfriends I'd say the same. And of course anecdotal means you weren't there in that particular relationship so you're generalizing from limited/vaccum-like information. It's cool if you are only looking for casual sex arrangements plus no meaningful convos other than about sex but then understand that generalizing especially in your limited situations about an entire gender makes little sense other than perhaps letting you vent about women. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silverbirch Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 BS, I still don't get why you can't just get interested in those rubber lady dolls. They are meant to be vastly improved and more life-like. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 I'm not sure it's entitlement so much as denial. She doesn't seem to want to believe that you're interested in a purely sexual relationship only. It seems that you're willing to entertain some non-sexual conversation, so long as sex is the primary focus of your interaction, yes? She is either very naive or in complete denial. Yeah, as long as sex is the primary focus, I'm fine with a little conversation. i think what batya is trying to say is that your FWB doesn't have any kind of leverage over you besides sex. If we're talking about your female boss or your female landlord, they obviously have other ways besides sex to get from you what they want. Even in a romantic relationship, there are many forms of leverage. It's all about sex because you made it all about sex. ...what are the forms of leverage in a romantic relationship? I'm being serious, I don't know. Guilt-tripping or something? I strongly disagree with your last statement. Women withholding sex to get what they want (and not being able to come up with any other methods of persuasion, aside from externally-enforced things like the threat of divorce) is one of the most common, frequent things that I've ever seen or heard about. It's like you're saying that the sky is blue because blue is my favorite color. Unless a woman lives in a society/legal system that's designed to give women an advantage, all they have is the threat of withholding sex, and once that's been rendered moot...! Please note, I'm talking about interpersonal stuff, and not work or anything else. (That said: the threat of withholding sex is extremely effective, at least when it comes to most men. I admire the effectiveness of your sexual strategy, and I actually try to copy it in my own life, but by withholding commitment instead of sex. It appears that a growing number of men are following suit.) And I don't appreciate your disparagement of women. You don't have to. BS, I still don't get why you can't just get interested in those rubber lady dolls. They are meant to be vastly improved and more life-like. I honestly can't tell if you're joking or not, and I don't know how I feel about that. I'll wait for robots or legalized prostitution, thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 What other things in a relationship can a woman deny? Use your imagination!! Refuse to cook, clean, do chores, attend an important event he needs her at, not do errands for him, etc. depends on the couple and their circumstances. It depends on the relationship what their issues are and to what degree of importance he assigns to her contributions. If sex is the most important thing to him, and clean laundry and dishes and cooked meals are not, then that's what her leverage will be. BTW - we can turn this around for men too. Speaking generally, every relationship is a negotiation and both parties have their "must haves" and "can't stands." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 What other things in a relationship can a woman deny? Use your imagination!! Refuse to cook, clean, do chores, attend an important event he needs her at, not do errands for him, etc. I've never asked a woman to do any of that stuff for me. You may recall that I'm against gender roles--I happily do my own cooking and cleaning. (And it may not shock you to learn that I don't attend any "important events", or any events at all, for that matter.) Thank god for feminism--it's given women less to hold over the heads of cads like me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TMifune Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I'm not sure it's ever really a good idea to withhold affection be it sexual or otherwise in order to get something from someone, especially someone you claim to love. In the words of Billy Mays: "There's got to be a better way!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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