Blue Spiral Posted June 29, 2015 Author Share Posted June 29, 2015 Despite my dislike of texting, I had a multi-hour texting session with ANNIE, last night. How sexual was it, you ask? Well, by my standards, 80%. By a normal person's standards, probably like 400%. I wasn't super into it, though--it's just my default setting. I was actually trying to play video games, but she kept replying, so I kept having to pause and text her. If she'd gotten online and gotten on cam, she would have had my undivided attention, however. This non-visual communication...ugh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted June 29, 2015 Author Share Posted June 29, 2015 While talking with ANNIE, I realized that all of my relationships/FWBs/interactions with women can be broken into two different phases. There's the happy early phase, and then there's the phase that comes after some variation of the following statement: "Can we talk about something other than my boobs?" It's all downhill from there, sadly. ANNIE hasn't gotten tired of it, yet, so I consider that a good sign. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 It might be sad for you -it is a good thing when those individuals get tired of being objectified. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted June 29, 2015 Author Share Posted June 29, 2015 It might be sad for you -it is a good thing when those individuals get tired of being objectified. It's mainly stressful, because I don't know what on earth I'm going to talk about. I have no problem with someone not wanting to be objectified; I have a large problem with someone selectively not wanting to be objectified. If they sometimes like it and sometimes don't like it, and expect me to read their mind to know the difference, well... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 It's mainly stressful, because I don't know what on earth I'm going to talk about. I have no problem with someone not wanting to be objectified; I have a large problem with someone selectively not wanting to be objectified. If they sometimes like it and sometimes don't like it, and expect me to read their mind to know the difference, well... Certainly mind-reader types are annoying no matter what the topic. I would assume that those kinds of comments are fine in small doses if the person you are speaking with and you have a sexual relationship and if she seems comfortable with them - I would assume that more is probably not welcome by most people - let her take the lead in making those comments to you and then you can respond. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted June 30, 2015 Author Share Posted June 30, 2015 Certainly mind-reader types are annoying no matter what the topic. I would assume that those kinds of comments are fine in small doses if the person you are speaking with and you have a sexual relationship and if she seems comfortable with them - I would assume that more is probably not welcome by most people - let her take the lead in making those comments to you and then you can respond. I wish that women would take the lead...but, if I waited for that, I'd be covered in dust and cobwebs, right now. Regardless, if I can't talk about sex/physical stuff, well, there isn't much else that I want to talk about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I wish that women would take the lead...but, if I waited for that, I'd be covered in dust and cobwebs, right now. Regardless, if I can't talk about sex/physical stuff, well, there isn't much else that I want to talk about. It's not about gender -it's about your individual interactions and whether in those interactions the other person is comfortable taking the lead - so that's also on you. The real issue is the second part - you don't want to be a mind reader which is understandable but if it's clear to the other person that all you want to talk about is sex/physical stuff then perhaps that person figures what's the point in bringing up another topic if you're just going to ignore it or switch back to the same topics you like. That's not a conversation -that's you talking at the person mostly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted June 30, 2015 Author Share Posted June 30, 2015 It's not about gender -it's about your individual interactions and whether in those interactions the other person is comfortable taking the lead - so that's also on you. Wow. It's my fault if I don't initiate, and it's also my fault if women don't initiate with me? Well, that covers all the bases, now, doesn't it? Is there ever a scenario in which something female-interaction-related wouldn't be my fault, or am I just one of those sitcom males that's always to blame for everything? The real issue is the second part - you don't want to be a mind reader which is understandable but if it's clear to the other person that all you want to talk about is sex/physical stuff then perhaps that person figures what's the point in bringing up another topic if you're just going to ignore it or switch back to the same topics you like. That's not a conversation -that's you talking at the person mostly. Yeah, I have to admit, I've never really been interested in conversations. On a somewhat related note, I had a severe social anxiety episode, today, which prevented me from doing some work stuff that I needed to do. I'm hoping I'll be able to do it tomorrow, instead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean-Luc Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I wish that women would take the lead...but, if I waited for that, I'd be covered in dust and cobwebs, right now. Regardless, if I can't talk about sex/physical stuff, well, there isn't much else that I want to talk about. Take it from someone who has never initiated on a consistent basis with any one person, your life would indeed be covered in cobwebs like mine is at the moment. I don't necessarily think women should take the lead over from men, but I don't think it should be one way traffic like it is now either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Take it from someone who has never initiated on a consistent basis with any one person, your life would indeed be covered in cobwebs like mine is at the moment. I don't necessarily think women should take the lead over from men, but I don't think it should be one way traffic like it is now either. I've never experienced one-way traffic and I would say the majority of the women I know and have known do not behave that way. I do think it depends on environment -I think it's more natural/easier for all people to start conversations when they're involved in a common activity or interest (other than where the main interest has to do with alcohol). If you're talking about whether complete strangers approach each other on the street that's different -although my friend met her husband that way! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted June 30, 2015 Author Share Posted June 30, 2015 Take it from someone who has never initiated on a consistent basis with any one person, your life would indeed be covered in cobwebs like mine is at the moment. I don't necessarily think women should take the lead over from men, but I don't think it should be one way traffic like it is now either. I hope things go better for you. When it comes to which gender has it easier in this stuff, well, it's pretty clearly women. But men are constantly told not to believe our lying eyes... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I hope things go better for you. When it comes to which gender has it easier in this stuff, well, it's pretty clearly women. But men are constantly told not to believe our lying eyes... We do not have it easier! But what about equal pay, maternity leave, peeping Toms, blah blah blah blah.... ... just kidding. I would argue that many years ago it was not easier. Nowadays? Yes. Male privilege in the US is a myth. I can do whatever I want to. Gender roles aren't as confining these days for women. The only thing I can't do is be a Catholic priest, and what a boo-hoo. World is my oyster. Have vag, will travel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted June 30, 2015 Author Share Posted June 30, 2015 We do not have it easier! But what about equal pay, maternity leave, peeping Toms, blah blah blah blah.... ... just kidding. I would argue that many years ago it was not easier. Nowadays? Yes. Male privilege in the US is a myth. I can do whatever I want to. Gender roles aren't as confining these days for women. The only thing I can't do is be a Catholic priest, and what a boo-hoo. World is my oyster. Have vag, will travel. I will slightly disagree with you, here, as I think that there are areas where women have it harder than men. But not in this dating/mating/relationship stuff. In social anxiety news, that stuff that I put off, yesterday? I still haven't done it, yet. It'd be easy for anyone else, but I need to work up some courage. Either that or continue to sit here paralyzed with fear. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I will slightly disagree with you, here, as I think that there are areas where women have it harder than men. But not in this dating/mating/relationship stuff. In social anxiety news, that stuff that I put off, yesterday? I still haven't done it, yet. It'd be easy for anyone else, but I need to work up some courage. Either that or continue to sit here paralyzed with fear. Like period pains? Lol. You got me there but OVERALL, I say that we have it way easier. What is the stuff you are talking about? It's okay if you don't want to talk about it, just curious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted June 30, 2015 Author Share Posted June 30, 2015 What is the stuff you are talking about? It's okay if you don't want to talk about it, just curious. It's extremely basic human interaction...but I don't always feel up for it. I managed to do it, though! Well, half of it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 I will slightly disagree with you, here, as I think that there are areas where women have it harder than men. But not in this dating/mating/relationship stuff. Meh - I think it's a case-by-case basis, for both genders. Sure, an attractive woman might not have a difficult time finding dates, but an average to below-average looks woman might. And getting a date (or booty call) might be easy, but finding someone to marry can be hard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted July 1, 2015 Author Share Posted July 1, 2015 Meh - I think it's a case-by-case basis, for both genders. Sure, an attractive woman might not have a difficult time finding dates, but an average to below-average looks woman might. And getting a date (or booty call) might be easy, but finding someone to marry can be hard. From what I've seen online, even well-below-average women get a lot of attention. Now, a lot of that is sex-driven, I'm sure. Offline, well, I've seen tons of seriously-overweight women with average guys, and very few women with guys shorter than them. My impression is that even below-average women have a lot of options to choose from (even if they aren't the options they want--and we all have to deal with that issue, to some degree), while average or even slightly-above-average men struggle, because (as the OLD research has shown) women are mainly attracted to the top twenty percent. A woman with all sorts of problems can drop her proverbial handkerchief, and guys will come running to help; a guy that has it all together still has to fight and scrape to prove himself. The shorthand version: women are the gatekeepers to sex, and men are the gatekeepers to marriage. Women can find someone to have sex with...and men can find someone that's willing to "let" them pay for the wedding, buy a house, pay for any kids, pay if she decides to be a stay at home mom, etc. I know which type of person I'd rather be able to find. In other news, my ex contacted me again, telling me mundane/gross news that I didn't really want to hear. Also, CINDY (or whatever name I gave the C one) contacted me, which was a surprise. She wanted me to help her decide if she should wear thongs or boyshorts, today. If only she was a bit younger and a lot more attractive... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted July 1, 2015 Author Share Posted July 1, 2015 Having just read the thread where some guy asks women for their definition of a "good man"...wow, I'm glad I'm out of the relationship game. Reading that thread reminded me of that ridiculous show about the motorcycle-riding ER doctor or whatever he is. He's a rebel...but he has a great, noble job! He's tough...but he's also compassionate! The descriptions in that thread are basically fried ice; I nearly died laughing. I treat people well, I'm employed, I have zero debt, no kids or exes to support, no substance abuse problems, never been to prison...and I have no chance with women. If it was because of my lack of social skills/lack of ability to be monogamous? OK, that makes sense. But if it's because I don't have a bunch of mutually-exclusive traits that aren't found together outside of borderline-porn romance novels? Well... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happy_snapper Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 Having just read the thread where some guy asks women for their definition of a "good man"...wow, I'm glad I'm out of the relationship game. Reading that thread reminded me of that ridiculous show about the motorcycle-riding ER doctor or whatever he is. He's a rebel...but he has a great, noble job! He's tough...but he's also compassionate! The descriptions in that thread are basically fried ice; I nearly died laughing. I treat people well, I'm employed, I have zero debt, no kids or exes to support, no substance abuse problems, never been to prison...and I have no chance with women. If it was because of my lack of social skills/lack of ability to be monogamous? OK, that makes sense. But if it's because I don't have a bunch of mutually-exclusive traits that aren't found together outside of borderline-porn romance novels? Well... It's like when I was trying online dating last year. I came on here to ask the ladies for some advice... What I got was completely contradictory. What one person said was absolutely necessary, another thought wasn't important. What one recommended, another said was a complete turn off. I asked some people what they thought of my variously re-written profiles a few times. Every time I had the full range of responses from different people. There is no such thing as "what women want", only "what woman wants" and it depends on the woman in question. Asking the ladies of a forum a general question like that is pointless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 I replied to the thread with my definition of a "good man", focusing on the "good" part. As in, what sort of morality would I theoretically want a man to have? What sort of person would I want him to be? I was surprised to read other responses with laundry lists of good traits and I was thinking "but that's not what 'good' means". And good does not = nice. Cannot stress that enough. It reminds me of a conversation I had a long time ago with one of my exes. I have some utilitarian views. I told him a hypothetical scenario, if you had been given 5,000,000,000$ and the one condition that came with that money would be that you'd have to dump me, you'd be a damn fool not to leave me and take the money. Not out of greed, but you could donate so much of it to legitimate, good, practical causes and think of how many lives you could improve/save. A bit far-fetched of course but I'm trying to illustrate the point, good doesn't always = "nice". Not looking to date but if I were, I'd want a utilitarian man. For me, that's what "good" is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 I replied to the thread with my definition of a "good man", focusing on the "good" part. As in, what sort of morality would I theoretically want a man to have? What sort of person would I want him to be? I was surprised to read other responses with laundry lists of good traits and I was thinking "but that's not what 'good' means". Same here. There are quite a few men I think of as "good" whom I wouldn't necessarily be attracted to or even meet the full filter of someone I'd want to be with romantically/sexually. I think there's too much overlay with what people find attractive and what is "good". For example, I find intelligence extremely attractive. And it's important to me in someone I'm going to date. But I've known good men who are far from bright!! Doesn't take away from the fact he is a good man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 Exactly, IAG. There are good men out there, genuinely good, but that doesn't mean I'd automatically find them attractive. Intelligence, self sufficiency, etc. are good traits but they alone don't define "good". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted July 1, 2015 Author Share Posted July 1, 2015 I replied to the thread with my definition of a "good man", focusing on the "good" part. As in, what sort of morality would I theoretically want a man to have? What sort of person would I want him to be? Yeah, I glossed over the "morality" angle, because I don't really think about it much. The expectations that other people have...wow. I never realized how low-maintenance I am. I like so many different types of women, I don't even know where to begin. I can't imagine what it must be like for relationship-seeking guys now. No wonder so many of them give up and become players. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 I'd be a cat man if I were a man. Not saying that you should be a cat man but yeah... Here is what I find boggling. Okay, so I live in a place where you really need to have a car. It's not a major city, you NEED a car. I own my car; life is dandy. In terms of dating here, men must, must, MUST own a car. If you don't have one, it's f you (and not in a good way). But as a woman, I can tell you that it doesn't matter if I have a car. Men would be like "oh, that's cool! good for you!" but it's never expected. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 You have a half way decent face but you can't even play the bass but that's okay because you are a girl. There's no doubt double standards still exist. Just makes me sad when people let themselves get defined by them. Give them the big F off, IMO. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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