Blue Spiral's Adventures in Solitude

[Batya33]

So...emotions, again. Sigh.

 

 

 

I don't have a career, I don't play sports, and I don't think that my singleness is affecting my ability to read books or play video games, but I'll keep you updated.

 

Your response is basically irrelevant to what I wrote - generalizing beyond recognition- so I'm not sure why you quoted me. I agree with Faraday and H-Snapper and again disagree with your friend who said that it's because "it's what everyone does" - never could stand that kind of reasoning and heard it more than once when I wa single and pushing 35-40.

[Blue Spiral]

Those are more tangible things. The intangible though...the emotion...is what he really is after. That he has someone who will have his back...that will give words of encouragement in moments of doubt, and praise him when he triumphs. Someone to wake up next to. Or stay up with into the wee hours of morning. Someone to make future dreams with. Someone that makes him feel chosen and desired above all others. Someone who makes him feel like...finally, he's not alone in the universe. Understood. He likes that we compliment each other- his strengths are in spreadsheets and maps and math...and I know nothing of those things- mine are all creative- so together we are so much bigger than we're apart. He likes feeling loved. Respected. Needed.

 

I'm not a robot, so I obviously understand the appeal of those things. Sure, it sounds great. I'd like for as many women as possible to feel that way about me. The problems are:

 

1. I know that it's a nakedly egocentric desire, on my end.

 

2. I don't know if I could feel that way about anyone else.

 

3. I don't know if I believe it's real. From what I understand, "love" is basically a neurochemical high that exists to perpetuate our species.

 

Your response is basically irrelevant to what I wrote

 

As was your reply to me. I said I don't care about emotional stuff, and you started talking about...emotional stuff.

[Fudgie]

Blue Spiral,

 

Some people just aren't capable of feeling that sort of all consuming love that people go on and on about. Pretty sure I am not capable. Yes, I've loved men and I have been in LTRs but I've never loved someone without doubts, and I can't open up 100% and there's only one man I'd take a bullet for and that's my father, truly.

 

So I am not really looking for a relationship and I don't care. I'm better off alone. I have platonic friendships with exes now and i am happy I can do that without worrying about "what men would think" and it's really freeing. It's cool.

 

My mom gets sad for me so I lie and say that I'm looking but I'm really not. It's not her problem though. So don't worry about what people say, on here, real life.

 

Just do what makes you happy.

 

I have to wonder if you talk about this a fair bit because on some level, this bothers you. Not being alone I mean but rather everyone cutting you down and saying that you're missing put, you'll die young, you're somehow lesser than because you don't want a relationship, etc.

[Blue Spiral]

Blue Spiral,

 

Some people just aren't capable of feeling that sort of all consuming love that people go on and on about. Pretty sure I am not capable. Yes, I've loved men and I have been in LTRs but I've never loved someone without doubts, and I can't open up 100% and there's only one man I'd take a bullet for and that's my father, truly.

 

I'll always maintain that I loved two women. Now, since I wasn't able to be monogamous with them, or to fully open up to them, I'm sure that many people will use that as "proof" that I didn't really love them...but I did, dammit. And still do.

 

So I am not really looking for a relationship and I don't care. I'm better off alone. I have platonic friendships with exes now and i am happy I can do that without worrying about "what men would think" and it's really freeing. It's cool.

 

Yeah, I agree. There have been times when people have said to me, "But women won't like that you did/said that!", and it's nice to not have to care. I recently witnessed a woman berating a man for not earning enough money...I am really, really glad that I don't have to deal with stuff like that. I can't imagine having to put up with that on a day-to-day basis. Another anecdote: way back when, I had two female friends, and one of them was thinking about getting her hair cut super-short, because she was sick of messing with it. Her friend appealed to me to "reason with her", because I usually get involved with longer-haired women. "Tell her that guys won't like it!" I didn't give her the response she was hoping for. I was basically like, "Who cares if guys like it or not? Life isn't a democracy, she shouldn't do stuff to get someone else's approval. If she changes herself to make someone else happy, and it makes her unhappy, then what's the point?" Neither gender should change themselves to make the other gender happy, or to "increase their chances" or anything ridiculous like that.

 

My mom gets sad for me so I lie and say that I'm looking but I'm really not. It's not her problem though. So don't worry about what people say, on here, real life.

 

Just do what makes you happy.

 

I try, believe me.

 

I have to wonder if you talk about this a fair bit because on some level, this bothers you. Not being alone I mean but rather everyone cutting you down and saying that you're missing put, you'll die young, you're somehow lesser than because you don't want a relationship, etc.

 

It doesn't feel great, no. And my self-esteem was pretty much non-existent to begin with. Thankfully, single people now outnumber married people for the first time in American history, so things are at least trending our way.

[Silverbirch]

I think you will be fine BS. Yes, a lot of oeople are choosing to remain single - Im one of them, and I think I'm so much better off single - and that I will be a LOT happier. Unlike you, I have NO Interest in sex, but I do have people in my life who I have varying levels of rapport with, and I care very much about them. From what I can make out, there are men interested, one appears to be a fair bit younger. I can say that for me, life in some ways became much better when sex was no longer important.

[LikeWater]

I don't think there's anything intrinsically wrong with Blue Spiral. I think he's one of the most interesting persons I've encountered on this site. And I've felt the way he feels several times, for long stretches of time, but from what I can tell never to the amount of time he has. I just like to question certain things about him and if nothing else, possibly get him to view certain things from a different perspective.

 

In all reality the guy is definitely intelligent and the only thing I've probably done is parrot things he's thought of many times but eh, the same could be said of a lot of conversations. There are things that I just can't quite understand about you, BS, and so really it's just my curious side that wants to question your perspective on things. I mean, some of the happiest and best moments of my life have been because of certain people I was really, really close to. Some of them had absolutely nothing to do with sex, some of them did.

 

At the same time I'm pretty comfortable in isolation, I'd say especially compared to most people. On top of that I've also had some of the most amazing experiences of my entire life completely alone with nothing but a hit or two of LSD, my bed, some music, and my thoughts. I guess what I'm saying with that is while I can understand not having the desire to go out and try and connect with others, I think it's possible that sometimes that just happens and you meet an amazing individual out of nowhere, and I just wouldn't write off the possibility of that happening completely. As in, I'd hope you're not closed off to the point where that couldn't happen.

[Batya33]

"It doesn't feel great, no. And my self-esteem was pretty much non-existent to begin with. Thankfully, single people now outnumber married people for the first time in American history, so things are at least trending our way."

 

No need for it to be "us against them". And of course a person who is not legally married is single but that person might be in a serious long term relationship, or recently divorced and looking to be married, or single and looking to be married - those statistics say nothing about whether those people are on their own and/or want to be on their own. And there are so many reasons to be single or married including arranged marriages, asexuality, not wanting the legal status of marriage despite wanting to be together with another person, etc that I don't think you can talk about it in that context.

[Blue Spiral]

Thanks for the post, LikeWater.

 

I mean, some of the happiest and best moments of my life have been because of certain people I was really, really close to. Some of them had absolutely nothing to do with sex, some of them did.

 

If I were to make a list of my top 100 favorite moments...well, I don't know if any of them would involve in-person human interaction. I'd definitely include some if I made a top 200 list, though.

 

I guess what I'm saying with that is while I can understand not having the desire to go out and try and connect with others, I think it's possible that sometimes that just happens and you meet an amazing individual out of nowhere, and I just wouldn't write off the possibility of that happening completely. As in, I'd hope you're not closed off to the point where that couldn't happen.

 

If Kate Upton or Kelly Brook knock on my door, I will be as un-closed-off as you can imagine.

 

More realistically...I don't think that even an average woman will ever suddenly "notice" me. Women have so many options that they don't need to go looking, in my opinion...if they do, it's because they're extremely demanding/high-maintenance, and such women wouldn't find anything appealing in me.

 

No need for it to be "us against them".

 

I know it doesn't need to be, but, deep down...I...I want it to be. I'm so sick of hearing about monogamy and relationships and all of this...you can't even imagine. Nothing would make me happier than a volatile, polarized singles-versus-relationships atmosphere, or at least a monogamy-versus-everything-else one. Changes are clearly coming, and I can't wait. I hope I live long enough to see the second Sexual Revolution.

[Batya33]

But obviously people with different lifestyles coexist beautifully. Nothing is "coming" because all you've noted is that you believe there is a statistic that claims that there are more single than married people. As I pointed out, the reasons for being single or married are so varied as to make that meaningless to whether it speaks to your reason for being single. If you don't want to hear about monogamy and relationships then don't - tune it out, change the topic, focus on other things. It's your choice. What you're hoping for can't happen because of the faulty logic that people who choose to be monogamous have anything relevant in common as to form the type of polarization you would want.

[Blue Spiral]

But obviously people with different lifestyles coexist beautifully.

 

I realize that that's the ideal, but the reality, um...

 

Nothing is "coming"

 

I love how you just blithely state that. Yes, I'm sure that things will stay exactly the way they are right now, because...reasons. Think about all the gender-related changes that society has undergone in the last century or so--why would they stop now? It isn't exactly hard to find people publicly commenting on the fact that more and more men are choosing to opt out of relationships/marriage. Heck, there are even books about it.

 

because all you've noted is that you believe there is a statistic that claims that there are more single than married people.

 

I believe there's a statistic? Oh my. Yeah, I'm not gonna bother with this.

[Batya33]

I realize that that's the ideal, but the reality, um...

 

 

 

I love how you just blithely state that. Yes, I'm sure that things will stay exactly the way they are right now, because...reasons. Think about all the gender-related changes that society has undergone in the last century or so--why would they stop now? It isn't exactly hard to find people publicly commenting on the fact that more and more men are choosing to opt out of relationships/marriage. Heck, there are even books about it.

 

 

 

I believe there's a statistic? Oh my. Yeah, I'm not gonna bother with this.

 

I'm just talking about this specific change. As far as the statistics as we all know statistics can be questionable and no, I'm not going to go by some statistic you mention in a post. I don't think that statistic has to do with "single by choice" in any event.

 

Obviously there are tons of gender-related changes - but you are looking for all people who are not monogamous to share some kind of common ground beyond simply choosing to have more than one partner. People choose to have more than one partner for so many different reasons. That has nothing to do with the particular changes we are seeing for example in gay people now being permitted to enter into a legal marriage, or the other gender-related changes in society as far as women's rights, paternity leave, etc. I would even say that gay people who choose to marry have a variety of reasons for doing so but I do see that many people share an intense belief in the political and legal ramifications of "gay marriage" whether they are gay and straight and I see that type of belief in a cause as a substantial bond they share. I do not see a substantial bond among all gay people who choose to marry or a substantial bond among all women who choose to pursue careers. I do see a bond among people who choose to be single because they are anti-marriage, for example.

 

But your statistic doesn't bear that out in the least and I don't see any kind of large movement starting where huge numbers of people would be anti-marriage and stay single by choice (meaning no long term relationships at all) and see that as an "us against them". In my opinion that doesn't seem realistic, anything like the other gender-related changes (or advisable in the least).

[Blue Spiral]

I'm just talking about this specific change. As far as the statistics as we all know statistics can be questionable and no, I'm not going to go by some statistic you mention in a post.

 

Please, don't believe me--believe the Bureau of Labor Statistics, which is where I got it from. (The Census Bureau, on the other hand, doesn't think we're a majority yet, they have us at a still-strong 44%.)

 

But your statistic doesn't bear that out in the least and I don't see any kind of large movement starting where huge numbers of people would be anti-marriage and stay single by choice (meaning no long term relationships at all) and see that as an "us against them".

 

I agree with that--it'll never be a large movement, as there are too many men that are desperate for sex, and willing to do just about anything to get it. (And I actually don't think of it as a "movement" at all, but that's getting into semantics. This isn't some centralized thing, it's just a bunch of guys making individual choices.) But just imagine if, say, ten percent of men decided to avoid long-term relationships. I don't think that's too sci-fi. It may not sound like much on the surface...but wait, if around half of all men get married, that means that we'd be twenty percent of the remainder (one in every five). Then you include the guys that are in non-married relationships, and our presence becomes even larger. Those aren't great odds for a woman that's looking for something serious. And we know that women tend to target the top twenty or thirty percent of men, ignoring the rest, so if any of these opt-out guys fall in that range, it's going to have disproportionate ramifications.

 

I honestly think that it would only take ten percent--if that much--to turn the relationship world upside-down. Men commit a ton of time and resources to women, and if you took even just a little of that away...wow. I can't even imagine.

[Blue Spiral]

In other news, BETTY contacted me, again. Ugh. I'm no longer initiating contact with her, but she keeps messaging me. I am apparently "cute" and "funny". She was a little less monosyllabic/inert, this time, but still...yikes. Talking with her is just depressing. (To cheer myself up, I watched the video for Shakira and Rihanna's "Can't Remember to Forget You"--that always does the trick.) I have no idea how to react to BETTY, because I'm not sure if she's still hot or not.

[Fudgie]

See if you can get a recent pic.

[Batya33]

"Please, don't believe me--believe the Bureau of Labor Statistics, which is where I got it from. (The Census Bureau, on the other hand, doesn't think we're a majority yet, they have us at a still-strong 44%.)"

 

 

I don't doubt it. Has nothing to do with why they are single and of course that includes people who cannot marry in their particular state because of gay marriage bans and people who are in long term relationships but not legally married.

 

Sure, if a significant percentage of people decide to avoid marriage that makes finding a person to marry harder - that has happened in this country during wartime I believe as far as a shrinking population of marriagable men and as it became more socially acceptable to come out as homosexual then that narrowed the marriage pool too. I say "so what" - it's always hard to find a marriage partner at any age anyway if you are looking for a good match and happy marriage. My dating pool was very small by the time I was in my late 30s - such is life. Finding things we really want often is challenging and hard.

 

I do not agree with the rest of your stereotyping/sexist opinions of who women seek to marry or not marry.

[Fudgie]

The college thing is an issue too. There are many more women going to college than men. If women want to be with someone who is at least as educated as they are, it's harder because there are fewer college educated men than woman.

 

I am glad that I am moving on in a different direction than what I thought I wanted previously.

[Batya33]

The college thing is an issue too. There are many more women going to college than men. If women want to be with someone who is at least as educated as they are, it's harder because there are fewer college educated men than woman.

 

I am glad that I am moving on in a different direction than what I thought I wanted previously.

 

I knew I wanted a future husband to have at least a college education so I stayed in a major city where it was unusual to meet men who had not accomplished at least a college degree. I would possibly have considered it (depending on the reasons why) but I met very few men who did not have at least a college degree plus who were also interested in dating me/had enough in common with me. Several men who did not have a college degree wrote to me on on line dating sites and their responses as to why they did not go to college confirmed that we would not have had common values/enough in common. Some men lied about having a degree and then of course the lie was the dealbreaker.

 

I did not meet men who chose marriage because they were desperate for regular sex, or desperate in any way. I met many men over my 24 years of dating who had marriage and family as a future goal.

[Fudgie]

Yeah I currently live in the city but I don't like living here. I haven't tried dating here but no point now. Moving back out to the countryside where I grew up when I get into school and then I'll commute. The county where I'm from as a horrid illiteracy rate and people are pretty white trash but they are few and far in between. I miss the countryside.

 

I used to worry about not being able to find someone if I lived out there and you're right, it's so much easier to date in the city. Now I can live where I want without worry.

[Blue Spiral]

See if you can get a recent pic.

 

I'm hoping to get her on cam--pics can be deceiving--but I'll settle for that if I have to.

 

One of my exes contacted me, yesterday, so my week is getting even more interesting.

[Batya33]

Yeah I currently live in the city but I don't like living here. I haven't tried dating here but no point now. Moving back out to the countryside where I grew up when I get into school and then I'll commute. The county where I'm from as a horrid illiteracy rate and people are pretty white trash but they are few and far in between. I miss the countryside.

 

I used to worry about not being able to find someone if I lived out there and you're right, it's so much easier to date in the city. Now I can live where I want without worry.

 

Have you decided not to look for someone to date, etc?

[Fudgie]

I'm hoping to get her on cam--pics can be deceiving--but I'll settle for that if I have to.

 

One of my exes contacted me, yesterday, so my week is getting even more interesting.

 

Where do these women come from? Lol.they just seem to pop out.

Make sure she doesn't do the fat gal MySpace angle or the crazy filters if she sends you pics, haha.

 

Have you decided not to look for someone to date, etc?

 

Yeah, I'm done. Not to begrudge anyone, I think for the *vast majority*, it's good and wanted and people should seek it out. I had my fun in the past, and I loved and lost. But now I am done and I am going to move back to the country and be near my family. Going to therapy has really helped me realize this and I am giving myself permission to let it go and accept my reality. It is freeing and it is a beautiful thing for me.

[Blue Spiral]

Where do these women come from? Lol.they just seem to pop out.

 

I constantly sought out women for about a decade and a half, so I've developed a healthy list of contacts. It sometimes takes years, but, they eventually remember that I exist and contact me.

 

Make sure she doesn't do the fat gal MySpace angle or the crazy filters if she sends you pics, haha.

 

Don't worry, I know all the tricks. And I also know that, even if they hide most of their body, the upper arms are usually a clue...

[Fudgie]

Don't worry, I know all the tricks. And I also know that, even if they hide most of their body, the upper arms are usually a clue...

 

Yeah, I can confirm this. Even after you lose the weight, the skin still stays there. My upper arms look awful and saggy from losing over 100 lb. Resistance training doesn't lessen it; only plastic surgery can get rid of the "flap". It's really a good barometer of either a) someone being big or b) if someone used to be a land whale in the past.

 

I wonder what makes them come out. Lonely? Seeing if you changed your mind about marriage/kids yet? I've had some guys I knew from college (never dated) come out of the wood work a while ago to chat me up and see how I was but I shut that down pretty quickly.

[Blue Spiral]

I wonder what makes them come out. Lonely? Seeing if you changed your mind about marriage/kids yet? I've had some guys I knew from college (never dated) come out of the wood work a while ago to chat me up and see how I was but I shut that down pretty quickly.

 

Well, we'll start with the ones you listed:

 

1. Lonely/attention-seeking. They want to talk to someone, or they want to use me as an emotional tampon, or they want an ego-boost. Women that dress up sexy to go shopping or do other mundane stuff, whether they're in a relationship or not = women that message me and use flirtation to make themselves feel better. Not that there's anything wrong with that! Sexuality is power, and it's ridiculous to deny that, so I can understand why women would use it in a psychological way.

 

2. Checking in to see if I've changed my life or my mind. Can I provide for the children they had with the guy they just dumped/divorced? Do I suddenly want commitment? When it comes to the race of life, I'm basically the tortoise...chugging along and slowly getting better. That sort of steadiness can look appealing to women. Obviously, I'm incapable of monogamy and have hedonistic tendencies, but other than that, I'm a very boring and reliable person. There's also the curiosity-driven crowd. As I talk to them, I can practically hear them thinking, "Wow, he's still exactly the same, why hasn't he changed at all??"

 

3. Horniness. Self-explanatory, I'd hope.

 

4. They're genuinely interested in how I'm doing. It really does happen, sometimes.

 

5. Trying to make someone jealous. This happens more than you might think.

[Blue Spiral]

I did talk to my ex for a while, late last night. She'd apparently had a big argument with her husband. I was sympathetic, but, on the inside...she chose him over me, and she knew what she was getting into.

 

Also, on a completely unrelated note: I always have seriously weird dreams, but last night's were particularly impressive. In one, Jerry Seinfeld and I had both been poisoned by a Bond-esque villain, and we'd only get the antidote if we killed someone for him. In another, I was trying to listen to music online, but I needed to go take a shower--so I made a mental list of four songs that I wanted to listen to on Youtube, once I was done with my shower. As far as I can tell, these songs don't actually exist. Two of them were Journey songs that my subconscious apparently invented; I was watching the video for one of them right before I went to go shower. Part of me still thinks that at least one of the songs must be real. (I don't know about the rest of you, but, when I first wake up, I sometimes briefly think that my dreams were real. When I was a kid, there was an incident where I was looking all over the house for the keys to my hover-car...)