I made many huge mistakes, but I stopped, and I'm determined to put it all right

[Tomas Chadwick]

Hi everyone, 24 year old, straight, British male here. Been in an on and off long-distance relationship for 3 years. I'm just going to lay out the truth here so you can get a better idea of everything. Please don't be too quick to judge.

 

The reason it was on and off is because I used to chat and flirt with other women online (dating sites/apps, etc.) about sex, etc. I had been doing it daily for quite a while before we ever even met, and when we got together I just didn't think about stopping. My girlfriend used to have regular mood swings (and I'm talking 5 days good and 15 days bad). and I think in a way this might have contributed to me not stopping what I was doing. I even used to talk sexually to men. I don't even know why because I am not even remotely attracted to men. My thinking is that I had some sort of obsession with sex or feeling wanted and stuff.

 

Before I met her I had had a rough 5 or 6 years and had suffered a lot of emotional/physical abuse with many different women. So I guess I felt lonely and wanted a 'safe' way to talk to people and stuff which is why I started online dating, etc. I think. Anyway, When my girlfriend found out about it all she left me. I don't blame her or anything. She was right to do so. But I went back and told her I could change (and I fully believed it), she stuck around but I had a relapse again. This resulted in us being 'over'… We didn't talk for 3 months, but around New Years I started messaging her again. I had got off sites permanently, but was still on and off apps… I tried to fight it off… So This is late December… Over time we started talking more and more about fixing things, and we met in July and stayed together for 10 days… After she left I had yet another relapse… And spoke to someone for just 5 mins, but 5mins was enough to wreck things again though I didn't mean to at all.

 

Anyway, somehow I managed to get one last shot, and in late August she came and stayed with me for a whole month… She left the other day. The last month has been amazing… And right from the point that I had my relapse in July I had become determined to change… Determined to be honest, committed, loyal, monogamous to her and only her, etc. I have not done anything since. I've not had urges to go off the rails again, and I really think that that part of my life is finally behind me.

 

The trouble is, she still doesn't trust me at all. She worries that I will go back to doing what I did again. She can't get her head around the fact that I even spoke to other men sexually either. She says she really wants to be with me. I know I can make her the happiest woman in the world, but previously I've also broke her. I know it's my fault, and I still apologise endlessly for it, and I truly mean it. But it is the past. Next month we have the opportunity to be together in person on a permanent basis. But since she left the other day I've not heard from her and I'm really worried…

I don't know what to do, but I really need and want her. After everything I went through before her she is truly a complete diamond, and I don't know why I didn't treat her so before. I am desperate to do so now though, and to make up for my past mistakes. I don't want anyone else. So I guess I'm wondering what I should do? What can I do to regain her trust given that I've broken it so often?, etc.

[Alittlelost]

I think the more important issue to address is why you feel the need to go on these sites. I am not judging but it doesn't seem healthy. Maybe you should talk to somebody. There are loads of self referral places such as RELATE or local wellbeing teams who can help you work through these issues that make you need to reach out through these dating sites/apps. Especially if you have suffered abuse. online is very "safe" as there is very little real risk of being emotionally hurt and pushing somebody away who might hurt you prevents you from really getting hurt to.

There are some great friendship all such as "meetup" to find social support.

I hope this helps.

[catfeeder]

How does she know all the details?

[Cherry009]

You have promised her many times before you will change/stop but haven't so I can understand why she doesn't trust you, you have lied time and time over that you will stop but haven't, she deserves better than this. Have some time on your own and work through your addictions before hurting someone else through your actions.

[safenow]

My ex was into web sites, online sex, stuff with guys. I found a profile saying he was single, looking for no strings sex, bi curious. He made the profile on a swingers site a week after we got engaged. He took me to hell and back for 4 years, trying to be a committed family man, when in fact, he just loved unconventional sex. He would have been happier with someone more 'exciting' and I would have been happier with someone more straightforward. He too, used to say 'its in the past', which never really addressed anything. Just be honest about who you are and she can make up her mind whether to accept it. If you are meeting up with these people you must tell her. My ex partner contracted herpes and passed it onto me. I'm telling you my story as this is how it plays out, when one person thinks sexual messaging with strangers is ok, and the other doesnt.

[Ms Darcy]

I find it odd your ex took you back so many times. Really, you need to be single, go to therapy, and work through your issues.