Stop being so invested and emotional all day, erryday.

[myonlymotive]

For maybe 5ish years I was in and out of a few relationships - a couple long, a couple short- none good. Some emotionally abusive, others where I was cheated on - absolutely zero where I was treated with respect. I would get quite emotionally invested early on - regardless of the feelings of the other person involved - and then kind of try and convince the guy that a relationship was a good idea; regardless of whether or not they were ready or willing for one. It sounds terrible - it was not healthy and not right.

 

Long story short after a few years of drama I finally decided to be single for awhile and just be who I am and see what happens. It's been about 10 months since my last break up and I've been feeling great - wasn't really interested in anyone, living quite independently of my love life and have formed some really great friendships. Which was all fantastic- until recently when I fell for a guy at work.

 

I asked him out, we went on a date. It was the best day ever - best date I've ever had. The only downside is that we work together - not the same department but definitely the same company and the same division (if that makes sense). So we don't interact with each other day to day but we still are... connected. I approached him later to schedule a second date but found out that he didn't want to be in a relationship or continue what we were doing because it might spoil his aspirations to be promoted to management at work.

 

So. I'm really devastated. Don't want to get out of bed devastated. I don't know, it's the first guy that I've had a date with that I've really been... sold on? Not just for the sake of not being single but - we met, I pursued him, we got on like a house on fire and I really fell for him rather than just 'I don't want to be lonely anymore'.

 

It's really difficult to deal with (internally, just me, work has been fine because we don't see each other and when we do we are professionals). Hobbies and gym and my studies distract me and work to an extent - and honestly I'm in the same routines I have been for the past few months so I'm sure I'll get over it soon.

 

But I'm still so angry? At myself? I hate who I become when I like someone. I hate getting so emotionally invested so early on. I'm also really sick and tired of putting all of my feelings on the line every time and then getting no return. I'm sure one day that I'll meet someone who is similar but in the meantime - how do people just not care?! Or does everybody just hide the fact that they really do care?! How do you not think about it and them as much as I do?! Am I just an overly emotional person - is there a way to deal with this?

 

I thought it would go away when I'm happy enough with my life in so many other ways - and to be honest I'm stoked with everything else and it's nowhere near as bad as it was. I just need to do something about this. Any advice welcome

[reinventmyself]

I can relate to this.

 

I can date someone a few times and develop what I think is an appropriate attraction/attachment given the short amount of time invested. But for what ever reason when it doesn't work out my disappointment in disproportionate and it catches me off guard and confuses me.

 

The conclusion I've come to is it flushes up unresolved grief from past disappointments.

It's the only thing that makes sense to me.

 

It makes it difficult because now I adjust my dating behavior and I have been told that I can be pretty closed off and not very approachable.

I tend to leave before things get comfortable. . .It's a double bind.

 

Having said this it's probably time for me to take a break and reevaluate.

 

Don't know if it helps. . but maybe something to think about.

Don't be hard on yourself. I can understand you'd be frustrated having dedicated so much time getting to good place in your life only to find yourself rocked by this disappointment.

I get it.

[Cherry009]

But I'm still so angry? At myself? I hate who I become when I like someone. I hate getting so emotionally invested so early on. I'm also really sick and tired of putting all of my feelings on the line every time and then getting no return. I'm sure one day that I'll meet someone who is similar but in the meantime - how do people just not care?! Or does everybody just hide the fact that they really do care?! How do you not think about it and them as much as I do?! Am I just an overly emotional person - is there a way to deal with this?

 

This is just like me, sorry I don't have any advice for you, but maybe it helps knowing others are like this too. Some people cane date for months and months and never really get that emotionally invested in them, I just cant do this, I don't think there is a way to just turn your feelings off. Everyone is different & we are the kind that wear our heart on our sleeve.

[Cherry009]

I can relate to this.

 

I can date someone a few times and develop what I think is an appropriate attraction/attachment given the short amount of time invested. But for what ever reason when it doesn't work out my disappointment in disproportionate and it catches me off guard and confuses me.

 

The conclusion I've come to is it flushes up unresolved grief from past disappointments.

It's the only thing that makes sense to me.

 

This is so true for me too!

[catfeeder]

This might go without saying at this point, but one of the foremost ways to protect yourself is to keep your job purely about your job, and don't mess with anyone where you work.

 

Another thing to consider is how much of your attachment is to the actual person versus the fantasies you create 'about' the person. Curbing tendencies to bond artificially through mind magic is a big help in keeping you stabilized through early dating.

 

The good news is, you've been investing in grounding yourself solo, and you're already clear that this makes a huge difference in recovering from disappointment.

 

Another thing to consider is to view dating as way to screen 'out' bad matches rather than seeking to bond with each guy you date. Get picky. Spot red flags. Understand that you may need to match a lot of puzzle pieces before finding the right fit--so your goal should be to develop skills of resiliency, discrimination and good judgement.

 

If finding love were easy, what would be so special about it?

 

Head high.

[myonlymotive]

Thanks everyone I'm .. not glad that other people are in the same boat? But at the same time I do feel a bit less alone.

 

I'm going to talk to him about it - only because at the moment he is the one who is acting a bit weird and my friends have been asking if he's ignoring me; which is really going to affect his possibilities for promotion if he keeps going like this but I'm thinking this will also let me maybe get a little bit off my chest and we can work on getting our friendship back to normal. Maybe if I establish a friendship again as well instead of this weird in between then it'll be better for both of us too.

 

 

[Man with Dog]

I've even learned the hard way that you can even over-invest when married. It's fine to a point but even spouses die, cheat or leave. We have to invest enough in the other areas of our lives.