Nasher Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 First of all sorry I haven't done an introduction yet. To be honest this problem was really bugging me and I wanted advice. I found this forum and was very impressed, I feel this is a great community for empowering others. I'm a 29 y.o guy and I've been seeing this girl for six weeks now. We met online, things have gone at a nice pace but a good pace. We've done some nice things together like have breakfast in the city, watch movies together and walk on the beach. Last Sunday night (during that walk on the beach) we somehow got onto the subject of talking about things and she mentioned something about her ex boyfriend who she married. I want to emphasise that because it was the first I knew of her being married before. She went on to say how it was when she was 22 (she's 28 now) and they we together for 2 years and then ended it. We carried on chatting but it was on my mind and I went home that night thinking about it but kept reminding myself that it was nothing to worry about and everyone has a past etc. I didn't think much more of it until tonight. I hadn't heard from her for a few days so I sent a text to see how her week was going. She replied by saying it had been a really emotional week and asked how mine was. I asked if anything in particular had led to the emotional stuff and she said as follows "Just divorce stuff, it was finalised last week and had a bigger impact than I expected". A bit frustrated and annoyed that I keep getting these rude awakenings I just sent back "divorce stuff?" To which she just replied "yep?" As if to say do I have a problem with that? My question is, am I right to feel pretty weird about all this? First her online profile said single, then I find out she was married at 22 and lasted 2 years, then I find out the divorce apparently took 4 more years and was finalised last week. Am I okay to feel like this? Or am I just emotionally immature and should just let it go and get over it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpottiOtti Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 No, I don't think you're overreacting. She should have been upfront from the beginning about not being properly single. False advertising. Also the fact that the divorce took 4 years seems fishy to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 You are absolutely right to feel the way you do. She hasn't been upfront about her situation and just throw it out there randomly as if it's all normal and make it seem like you are the one who has a problem if you can't just accept it and be cool with it. It's not right. You should drop her I think, dishonesty is a big red flag and also many unanswered questions about her marriage and divorce etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CeeLambrini Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 Perhaps letting you know about there being a big impact is her way of telling you she's not quite over her ex and the relationship. The way she's casually brushed it off in comparison to how it's affecting her doesn't quite match up so I'd be wary of what she is telling you vs. what is actually going on. In her defence, talking about a failed marriage and a lingering divorce may not be the easiest thing to bring up right away, however bringing it up in such a nonchalant way and expecting you to feel the same way about it is wrong on her part. Drop the passive aggressive texts and arrange a meet up where you can talk about it, and you can let her know how all of it has made you feel. Not just that she has a past, but that it was kept from you for so long and then casually brought up as though she was simply telling you what she had for dinner last week. Most importantly, are you able to deal with the baggage that's been brought into your lives or do you feel that you are competing with the memory of an ex husband? Maybe decide what you want before your talk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zippy2000 Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 Maybe she should of been upfront. If she had then you wouldnt be feeling like this. I ll betyou kind of feel betrayed as she hasnt toldyou. She hasnt lied but just chose not to tell you. So now your barriers are up. If you like her then giver her time. This is the thing with online dating. You find out about peoples past as you date them. Nothing wrong with it. She just needs to communicate with you more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParisPaulette Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 Maybe it's just me and my bad experiences, but any time someone I was seeing "forgot" to mention they were married and then later popped up with the whole, "But we're divorcing now" thing I learned to run the other way, because it either meant a) I was simply the rebound being used to verify to themselves they still had it and could get someone new OR b) they weren't as "divorced" as they said they were and tossed that out to me after letting slip they might still be married. Oops. Neither of these are a reason to stay. She withheld some pretty vital info when she decided to lie and put "single" on her profile. It does not bode well for anyone getting involved with her frankly since she seems honesty challenged out of the gate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinydance Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 Well, I think bottom line is she wasn't honest with you and I think you do have a right to be upset. Six weeks is a relatively new relationship but she was still legally married and that is no light matter. You deserved to know something like that, especially after six weeks. Also it just makes me wonder why she didn't mention that she was still legally married...What was really behind it? Unless she just really liked you and didn't want to scare you off with all her baggage from her past. Either way, she should not be acting like it's all just fine and you're supposed to be fine with it. I think she owes you an apology and an explanation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 I would run. Single isn't the same as divorced..and she wasn't even divorced when you met. You were dating a married woman without even knowing. God knows what else she's been hiding...a couple of kids probably. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chr8st8na Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 AHHH! Tell her you are not interested in her time or her lies any more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
t1lersm0m1 Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 You are justified in feeling like you've been blindsided. Her profile should not say single if she was separated and not yet divorced. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 Since she mislead you from the start by presenting herself as a single woman on a dating site, this should be your first and last red flag. That said, if she's not credible from the beginning, how could you trust her in the long term? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weathergirl Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 She hasnt lied but just chose not to tell you. Yes she DID lie...it was a lie of omission. There is a reason she didn't disclose it on her on-line profile and there is a reason she didn't tell you and HAS NOT told you until six weeks down the road. And that's because when someone is going through the process of divorce...that is seen by most people as a red flag as it's an extremely emotional time with a lot of drama (both internal and external) and IMO someone going through a divorce is in no position to be embarking on a new relationship. Most people upon, learning someone is going through a divorce, would steer clear or proceed very cautiously. THAT is why she didn't disclose it. It was dishonest, deceitful and YES it was most definitely a lie. Not disclosing it (until now six weeks in) was extremely unfair to the OP because it didn't allow him to have all the information he needed to decide whether this was someone and something he wished to get involved with. And then her comment "yup?" as if to ask "you gotta a problem with that?"...is extremely condescending! Your response should have been "HELL YEAH I have a problem with that...you LIED when you wrote on your profile "single"! If it were me...I would end it with her. She's a liar, plain and simple. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nasher Posted September 18, 2014 Author Share Posted September 18, 2014 Thanks everyone for the advice. Every post here has been helpful and has confirmed what I was thinking. I really don't like that I was seeing a married woman without knowing. I still haven't replied to that "yep?" Message. I feel like replying but then I feel like just leaving it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinydance Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 Well, I think the question is, do you really like this girl and have feelings for her? Like, do you want to fight for this relationship, or would you be OK with walking away? If you really care for her then I think you need to say to her that you want to meet and talk and you want her to tell you everything and explain herself. Then maybe you could base your decisions on what she tells you. If she's not willing to explain and apologise, then it does seem like maybe her baggage is just too much for her and she's not really that invested in your relationship. I think the fact that she was like "Yep" after you asked about her divorce sort of shows that she doesn't really feel bad about deceiving you and thinks you should just be cool with it. I think that's actually really rude! I mean, if I deceived someone, I'd be saying how sorry I was. And if she really likes you, shouldn't she be freaking out that she's going to lose you? But she doesn't seem too worried about that... Also I agree with the person who said that she may not be over her ex because if they broke up so long ago, why did it have such an emotional impact on her? I'm not sure why her divorce took so long but it's been a long time and if she's not over her ex then why is she trying to be in a relationship with someone else? If she said to you that she only didn't tell you she was married because she didn't want to scare you off, that would explain it, but it just really sounds like there is more to it than that and feelings may still be involved. I think if she's not apologising and acting like she wants to save your relationship after she screwed up, I'd be bidding her goodbye personally. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.