Di84 Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 I'll try to make this short.. About 8 years ago I worked with this guy that really liked me and vice versa for about 3 years. I was 21 when I met him and was dating another guy whom I dated for the following 4 years. During that time, I really grew fond of the guy I worked with but never left my boyfriend at the time for him. He continued to chase me but ultimately, I led him on and never ended up making the decision to leave my ex for him. Years passed of me feeling conflicted about being in a relationship and liking this other guy for all that time. I finally ended it with the boyfriend for him as I was a bit older and more serious about what I wanted in my life. Long story short - I email the guy I worked with (no longer working with him at this point) and ask him out to dinner. He agrees to dinner. We meet up and mid dinner he tells me he would never marry me because I am not orthodox so there would be no point in dating. To say the least, I was completely confused and also heart broken that he made it a point to take me out to dinner to tell me this to my face after all this time of wanting to date me. We never spoke again after that night. Fast forward to 2 years later... we add each other on facebook and remain friendly but just on facebook. Every year we never missed wishing each other happy birthday on FB or merry christmas. But neither of us ever made a move or talked about anything personal. It was just weird to go there given what had happened in the past even though years had passed. Fast forward to this summer. I went on vacation this summer and started posting a lot of pictures on facebook from my trip. He would comment and like a lot of my pictures and especially pictures of me. I found it odd that he was doing this because he had never been that forward with me since years back when he liked me but I didn't really make anything of it. I thought he was just being nice. I ended up sending him a private message while I was traveling asking how he was. We spoke back and forth for about a month after that but random messages about nothing really. Deep down inside I was hoping he would ask me out but he wasn't mentioning it so I let it go and didn't message him anymore because I found it was just becoming pointless and he would get back in my head again years later for nothing. Well, about 2 weeks ago we were talking on fb chat and he says " I have to go but it was a pleasure talking to you. We should catch up soon if you'd like. I am busy at work all of next week (he was on call and couldn't really make plans) but the week after is good. What time do you get off work? We will plan that week". Honestly, I was pretty excited about him asking me out as I guess you can say I still kind of like him. But I would never ask him out myself today because of what he did to me back then. I agreed to meet up with him and told him to let me know when he'd be free to meet up and it would be nice to catch up. Well... it's been two+ weeks now and I haven't heard back from him at all. He's active on fb every single day but just isn't messaging me. I don't intend on messaging him at this point but I am really frustrated by this because it took me a while to get over him back then and now I just feel like it was stupid of me to even agree to see him. Any thoughts as to why he backed out of seeing me? Why would he even ask me out if he didn't want to see me?We have a lot of history together and I am not just a random girl in his life at this point. I am just really confused right now as to why he would do this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 He hasn't done anything other than be a little flaky. I'm not sure that he asked you out on a date -he simply asked to meet up in a week or so from then. He probably doesn't feel he's leading you on because he told you that he can never be serious with you because of your religion. I also think you're reading too much into the Facebook contact and e-mailing. Sounds very casual to me. Each time, you initiated contact -when you asked him out that time and again when you messaged him. He assumes I am sure that you know he cannot date you seriously. If that had changed on his end of course he would let you know so that he'd have a chance to date you before you got snapped up by some other guy. For all you know he didn't have this religious issue when you worked together and/or he found it fun and safe to flirt with you because he knew you weren't available to date him. I'm sorry you're disappointed but I would move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 Perhaps you are reading too much into the contact. It sounds like he misses you on occasion and likes you as a friendly acquaintance but there is not much more than that. I would suggest not talking to him so your feelings don't spiral. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Di84 Posted September 16, 2014 Author Share Posted September 16, 2014 Thanks. I realize he didn't ask me out on a date for a specific day but he still asked to see each other. I'm not over analyzing it but I think it's pretty normal that I would question why he would even mention seeing me again. He's 12 years older than me (42) and never married. I am catholic and he's orthodox. We are both Christian and Come from very similar families. I think the whole religion thing was am excuse to get out of the situation bc he was in love with another girl back then and I guess didn't know how to tell me. The thing is he knows I'm older now and obviously looking for something serious. Maybe there is this religion issue for him still but I think he's old enough now to realize this would light a spark by even mentioning seeing each other then not following through I'm not mad or anything just confused. Regardless of making a date or not, when someone says "I would like to see you and catch up" it basically means "I will get in touch to set an actual date" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kuteknish Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 Regardless of any of the confusing messages you may be feeling, he said he could never marry you because you aren't orthodox... So if you're looking to even pursue any relationship with Him, it would never work out... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kuteknish Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 Regardless of making a date or not, when someone says "I would like to see you and catch up" it basically means "I will get in touch to set an actual date" I sometimes say this very lightly.. In fact I think someone said this to me the other day, and I know fully that it was BS. we had no intention of getting together and catching up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 I'm not mad or anything just confused. Regardless of making a date or not, when someone says "I would like to see you and catch up" it basically means "I will get in touch to set an actual date" I have flaky "friends" who love the catch up phrase. They either don't mean it but say that to be polite or they just lose interest in following through. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Di84 Posted September 16, 2014 Author Share Posted September 16, 2014 I have flaky "friends" who love the catch up phrase. They either don't mean it but say that to be polite or they just lose interest in following through. I get that people do this all the time but what I'm saying is that he never says that. Ever. And we've spoken many times. He made a point to say it and I know him well enough to say he is not the type to just say these things. Deep down I feel like he is afraid of going out with me again then doing the same thing to me yet again. Anyway I'll drop it obviously. I always do. Just needed to vent for a minute Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 I get that people do this all the time but what I'm saying is that he never says that. Ever. And we've spoken many times. He made a point to say it and I know him well enough to say he is not the type to just say these things. Deep down I feel like he is afraid of going out with me again then doing the same thing to me yet again. Anyway I'll drop it obviously. I always do. Just needed to vent for a minute No, you don't know what he is like in a dating relationship except for one important fact -he told you he doesn't want to date you seriously. Some people who are very reliable as friends or in business are flaky when it comes to making plans in any kind of romantic context. I still don't think he asked you out for a date but he knows you are interested in him romantically. I do not agree in the least that when someone says -especially just in typing "I would like to see you and catch up" that means that they will definitely follow through . They may mean it sincerely at the time or casually. Someone who would really like to see you will either set a definite time and place right then or say that they will call you on a specific day -usually within a day and later only if they are out of town and unable to get to a phone for some reason. All your guy wrote was that you two would plan something in over a week from then -he didn't even write that he would be in touch on a particular day. I think you're reading too much into it and I think he is a bit flaky. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 I get that people do this all the time but what I'm saying is that he never says that. Ever. And we've spoken many times. He made a point to say it and I know him well enough to say he is not the type to just say these things. Deep down I feel like he is afraid of going out with me again then doing the same thing to me yet again. Anyway I'll drop it obviously. I always do. Just needed to vent for a minute He isn't afraid of this at all. He has very, very clearly stated his position. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 >>We meet up and mid dinner he tells me he would never marry me because I am not orthodox so there would be no point in dating. Unless he's left his faith, his same excuse for not dating you still stands. Lots of people fool around on FB when they're bored or slow at work or any number of reasons, but i think he was just being friendly and not really throwing out feelers about dating again. So he was doing the 'Facebook friends' thing with you. Then when you tried to take it more personal by meeting with you, he just politely did the 'we'll do that sometime' thing and cast it into some nebulous date in the future, then never closed the loop because he is not interested in dating you or taking the relationship more private. So I'd just let it go. If you're not going to be orthodox and he is, then you're still an unlikely candidate for him and you shouldn't waste your time on it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 btw, i've known people to use this method to try to cool someone down. As in, if he already knows he's not going to date you because of differences in religion, and you are apparently getting hotter and hotter and more interested in him, they'll make a statement like that, then basically stand you up to irritate you and hence cool you off. I know one guy who is a very attractive and charismatic man who always has women hitting on him and wanting to catch his attention and date him, and that is his favorite ploy. He doesn't want that awkward moment when he has to throw cold water on a woman to tell her he's not interested in a verbal or face to face meeting, so instead he does little things that he knows will irritate her and build in some distance and hopefully cause her to lose interest in him. So he may say 10 times in a row 'let's meet up', but then he never follows thru or shows up for a meeting, knowing that eventually she'll get fed up and quit trying. He'd rather she be mad at him than have that moment when he crushes her by telling her he's not interested and has to openly reject her. So what do you do now? Stop initiating anything with him. Don't contact him at all. See how often he contacts you. If you notice he's just drifting away or all he is doing is making FB comments like 'love the photo', he's just being friendly and not trying to date you. He probably likes you as a friend, but knows his feelings on being orthodox haven't changed, so he just wants a friend and doesn't want you to get your hopes up again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Di84 Posted September 16, 2014 Author Share Posted September 16, 2014 I did not make it more personal by trying to get him to meet with me? Not sure where you got that from. He suggested meeting up and asked me what time i finish work at. I told him the time but said "just get in touch with me that week as I cannot really plan ahead given my work schedule". He said ok.. that he would get in touch that week. I in no way initiated seeing each other or suggested a "catch up". He specifgically mentioned the week after being off call... it wasn't up in the air. We just didn't set a day because of our work schedules. This is the only reason I am defending myself here because otherwise I would agree with you all that the guy is just saying it casually but in this situation, he did not. He flaked now and there's gotta be a reason for it. Wtv the reason, he doesn't want to now. And that's ok but also frustrating for me. My point in all this is that when you have history with someone, you don't casually say things like this. You know the history and you know the false hope it can possible put out there so you are more cautious with your words. Well, at least I am and with men from my past, I do not "casually" say "let's meet up and catch up" to just be "friendly".. About the whole religion thing... that might still be a factor for him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 I've known many people who have the "history" you speak of who still flake on tentative plans. I would feel differently if he made a specific plan and stood you up. Also since he already told you he cannot date you he might not think there is any history between you in any romantic sense. He did not ask you out on a date or even a tentative date. I am sorry you're disappointed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 "My point in all this is that when you have history with someone, you don't casually say things like this. You know the history and you know the false hope it can possible put out there so you are more cautious with your words. Well, at least I am and with men from my past, I do not "casually" say "let's meet up and catch up" to just be "friendly".." I think this is where you are getting tripped up. When you say 'you don't' you are speaking globally and instilling your value onto anyone else in regards to their intention. This is how YOU would handle it, unfortunately this is your value (a good one by the way) but yours none the less. His is different, not wrong, just different. The phrase may mean something entirely different to him. (this lesson was a good one for me. . `you mean not everyone thinks like me" huh??) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoulTaker Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 He isn't afraid of this at all. He has very, very clearly stated his position. True, and she very, very, clearly keeps hoping that he sees the light. Why anyone would want to keep trying to be with someone who dumps them is beyond me. What got my attention was the fact that this guy chased her, knowing that she was already in a relationship (her words). That was disrespectful to her boyfriend, and places him in a negative light. He then meets with her just to tell her that he can't have anything to do with her because of religion. If that was true, then why did he chase her in the first place. It wasn't like he thought she was orthodox. The OP has the right to be confused and upset during this time period. That's on him. But she should not have pursued it any further (friend-zoned). That's on her. She needs to move on, or else come accross as being desperate for a uneven individual. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Di84 Posted September 17, 2014 Author Share Posted September 17, 2014 You see, this is why I got hurt back then. Because he had chased me for years and when I finally made a decision to be with him, he tells me "i cant date you bc you are not orthodox". I mean, really? So what did you want from me for all thsoe years that you kept at it for so long wanting to be with me? It was almost like he wanted to take me out to dinner to say that to my face just to hurt my feelings and to see it. Also, he dated so many girls after me that were not orthodox. I am not desperate and have not done anything desperate towards him. He kept messaging me all summer long ... not me. I messaged him once. So yes, his actions have been nothing but confusing. Also, we never dated and he didn't "dump me". We never actually had a relationship. I am not hoping to see the light here. I know what it is and I am not in denial. I am just shocked that no one can agree that this whole situation has been confusing and because of his actions. I have not done anything or even flirt with him. I did not pursue him like you say I did. At what point did I pursue him now? All I did was say "ok..we can meet up". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 He said he could marry you. He can date unorthodox...he will not marry unorthodox. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 I don't think it's confusing. If he changed his mind about dating you he would have asked you out on a date he planned since he knew you were interested. He did not show interest in taking you out on a date because he didn't ask you out on a date. He showed interest in typing to you and typing some flirtatious messages. You chose to accept his messages all summer long with no plan to get together -it takes two. If you wanted to date him and not just be a flirty/chat buddy you could have responded "thanks for your message but based on our last conversation it sounds like we're looking for 2 different things so maybe we shouldn't stay in touch". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 He said he could NOTmarry you. He can date unorthodox...he will not marry unorthodox. Mistype....NOT marry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 I am just shocked that no one can agree that this whole situation has been confusing and because of his actions. I have not done anything or even flirt with him. I did not pursue him like you say I did. At what point did I pursue him now? All I did was say "ok..we can meet up". I think people don't see it as confusing because people don't necessarily interpret his actions as interest in dating. Flirting? Maybe. But not actually dating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 Long story short - I email the guy I worked with (no longer working with him at this point) and ask him out to dinner. Pursuit. First time. I ended up sending him a private message while I was traveling asking how he was. Pursuit continued. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chr8st8na Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 all i can say is if you are expecting more from this guy who rejected dating you at dinner, then yes you are in denial. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 This is actually quite simple: Do not pursue or try to date a man who says he can never marry you if what you want it marriage and a family. The rest of it is all just noise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoulTaker Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 Sorry, but you been pursuing this guy for years, and you've done your share of initiating things. If this isn't pursuing someone, then I don't know what is. Why did you stay in contact for years with a man that dumped you? In your own words "I would never ask him out because of what he did to me", but at the same time, "I was pretty excited about him asking me out". Your actions are what is causing the confusion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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