No Place To Go But Up

[Guest allthewayup]

Geez, I can't believe I'm starting over in a new city tomorrow. The 4th in about 8 years (give or take a year). I'm 42 years old and tired. Just want to be in a huge city w/great weather, good jobs and plenty of outdoors things for me to. A clean place w/room for everybody. I came to current city in 2008 after bad breakup. Economy was bad back home so did my research and narrowed it down to Dallas or Houston. I chose Houston for reasons I can't remember now (haven't slept yet & got alot on my mind); but I knew not long after I got here that this wasn't the place for me. It's just wasn't a good fit. Somehow I stuck it out, but I feel I can't stand it a minute longer. I've been to Dallas several times and feel I mesh well w/the city. Each time I've hated coming back to Houston. So tomorrow's my big moving day. I planned on having my ducks in a row, money saved up & all the hope in the world in my heart. Unfortunately, it's not turning out that way.

 

The problem is I may have waited too long to make this move. Possibly out of fear, but most definitely procrastination. I'm broke and homeless now. Filed a bankruptcy that got dismissed for nonpayment and am now living in a hotel (at least for now). I've got a jeep I'm afraid will be repossessed. Was working a day labor job to save money for my move, but spent alot of it on this hotel. And then I met a man. Was minding my business at this warehouse and it felt like he zeroed in on me. I am 3 years celibate so am in no rush to jump into anything. Still, he swept me off my feet and then dumped me on my head and I honestly cannot understand why (wasn't depressed at the time, he knows nothing of my circumstances & I never did sleep w/him). All I know is that I can only be me & if that wasn't good then oh well *shrugs*.

 

Still it was nice to talk w/him & to feel like a made a friend in this cold world. He's gone now and I do miss him. I should be getting ready for tomorrow but spent last night and most of the day in a deep funk that I hope will lift once I get on the road in the morning. So that's my story. 42 year old homeless woman about to hit the road for a new start in the A.M. Oh and another thing is my nicotine addition. I have been trying to quit smoking for several years. I did quite in 2011 until I broke another 3 years celibacy and ended up pregnant w/twins that did not survive. I fell off the wagon after my sweet babies and have been trying to quit again since late 2012. My babies anniversary is coming up in November and I usually get depressed around that time. I've suffered alot of losses in my lifetime but they hurt the most. I'm going to try to quit again tonight bc I really don't want to start this new phase w/my old habits. Smoking makes me anxious now , like I give off weird vibes or something. It's strange how much they affect so I'm going to try & leave them behind.

 

Anyway, I have to go pick up my last check from the labor hall. I am glad I found this place to post my thoughts and welcome all feedback, input, wisdom and advice that I can gather here. Thanks for reading & I'll be back later.

[Guest allthewayup]

Well, I've got my check and am back at my hotel. I'm almost out of cigarettes and won't be going out to get more. Will be laying down to rest in a lil while. I feel tiredness coming on and that's a good thing. Beginning to feel a lil better overall too, thank goodness. I think I'll just take things day by day; heck minute by minute if I have to. I just wish I had myself together at this age. The guy I met had his own home, 3 cars, a good job, said he traveled all over the world and he was only 44. Here I am at 42 ... well you know my story from above. I try not to compare myself to others and to remain optimistic that my day is coming; but sometimes it is hard and I wondered what happened. Why have I found myself in constant struggle and I suspect alot of it comes from my childhood.

 

My mom is a huge abuser and the rest of the family enables her. She is still abusing everybody including animals to this very day. I've cut contact w/my family and have not seen or talked to my mother in over 6 years. I don't want anymore abuse, abusers or any abuse issues in my life period. At first they thought I was kidding and have since realized that I am quite serious about this. I've been called angry, bitter and God knows what else but I really don't care about that. Let her continue to destroy their property, self esteem, relationships and everything else she can get her hands on. She's over 60 years and has shown time & time again that she will never change. I just can't have anyone in my life that like anymore.

 

I also think part of my refusal to deal w/abuse has crept over into how I react to abuse in the workplace too. Abuse and bullying in the workplace can get pretty bad & I have quit several jobs as a result. I've often thought on my behavior and wondered if I may just be hyper sensitive to things like that now. I don't know. Perhaps I can find some free counseling in Dallas and continue to explore the issue there. I was in counseling here but it wasn't free and I couldn't afford to pay anymore (so there went that for a minute) In any case, I have tried to hang in there on terrible jobs before, but eventually I have quit when I felt I just couldn't take it anymore. No acting out on my part. I just got up, grabbed my coffee and purse and simply walked out the door.

 

Anyway, I am an only child so there was never anyone to help bear the brunt of my mom's abuse and my God was she awful! Physical and emotional self esteem shattering abuse that she still continues on others to this day. Uggghh she makes me sick. I don't hate her. I just find her sickening bc everyone knows she has a problem, she won't get help and this has gone on for so many years. Fortunately, I've never been the one for abuse in my personal relationships. There was a few emotionally abusive men who were eventually dismissed, but I've never been the one for physical abuse from anyonen. Thank God bc I understand that happens when people come from childhood such as my own. Yep I feel sleep coming on so gonna go try & rest for awhile. I look forward to writing more and letting out more of the emotions, fears and quiet strengths that I am experiencing now.

[Guest allthewayup]

I got a lil rest and am just taking my time as I get ready to go. I have to get an oil change and go by my storage unit. These are things I should have done yesterday, but had no motivation to do. Was too busy worrying about other things I really should not have been. I've got a list of shelters, but think I'm going to start off with another extended stay. I would like the time and space to immediately begin my job search which is hard to do as some shelters won't allow laptops or a job search to begin immediately. I don't know why some places do that. It makes sense to me that the main goal would be immediate self sufficiency.

 

I hope to make this my last move and job search. It seems everytime I look up, I am looking for a job or an apartment. I was smoking alot of pot awhile back and am now clean. It feels good to be able to take a drug test w/o worrying about how to beat it or skipping it all together. I've lost alot of opportunities that way too. I smoked pot for a long time. Even longer than I would like to admit to myself. I started right after my son was born (he's now 23) and I think I smoked it to cope with reality. There's alot of emphasis on smoking pot nowadays especially in the media. States are making it legal and alot of people think it's not a drug, but my personal opinion is that it is a drug and you are capable of becoming addicted to it. I also wonder how legalizing it is going to affect the DUI laws. When you're high, you're reflexes and judgement become a lot slower. Anyway these are just some of my thoughts this morning.

[Guest allthewayup]

Feeling a lil better and am getting ready to go. Beginning to get excited and to look forward to starting anew. As I said, I knew this wasn't the place for me shortly after I got here. Don't know how I managed to stick it out this long other than I really didn't have any other place to go. Deep inside, I really want to return to Charlotte, NC where I feel I was the happiest. I left when the economy was really bad for everyone and couldn't find a job. I also ended a really bad relationship and just wanted a change. So that, among other reasons, is how I ended up in TX. The economy is good here and it's a huge state that I haven't even began exploring yet. I've visited the major cities (Houston, Dallas, Austin and San Antonio) but have not yet explored the other nooks and crannies here and I'm kinda looking forward to doing that if this is truly going to be my home state.

 

Anyway, the main reason why I won't return to Charlotte is bc it is simply too close to my dysfunctional family. They are the kind of people who will show up if you really don't want to be bothered with them (and I really don't). It's a shame bc I love Charlotte. It's a beautiful city and close to the mountains for a nature lover like me. It's also a short drive from other major cities and other things that I like to and I never hated coming after a day exploring. Too bad I feel like I can't return there at this time. My son is also coming to live w/me in a few months and I really need to get to be settled by the time he gets here.

 

He has remained attached to the family for years and has refused to let go of them or dysfunction. He is waking up now to the fact that he has let them go in order to live life to the fullest and be happy. Like me, he is an only child, and is hopefully realizing now that he doesn't have to tie himself to that family and that he does not owe them anything. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't feel that sharing blood lines with people does not necessarily them family. I feel if your family is as twisted as mine that you can make a new one with people that treats you well and accepts you as you are. I feel if you have great friends that they can be your family in a sense. Not to say you can show up every holiday or something like that, but if people love and respect you for who you are, then yes I would consider them family. Haven't met any folks like that yet, but who knows, maybe I will. Right now, I'm just looking to connect w/people of similar minds and interests (traveling, returning to school, etc).

 

Well, I can stay here all day pouring my heart but I have to get going. Can't wait to settle in/down so I can figure out exactly how this site works and start reading the other journals here. Wishing myself a great journey and everyone a peaceful day.