Is this natural?

[permanentshrug]

I posted on this forum a while back when my break-up was still fresh. Since then I've tried dating again (not with much luck), been to the gym a fair bit and tried to branch out with some new interests. Last week, I actually began to feel like I was forgetting about my ex- she would only crop up in my thoughts when I realised I hadn't thought about her at all during the day. This past weekend, though, I've been thinking about her more and more to the point where I feel as bad now as I did the week after the break-up. I'm trying to understand- is this natural? We only dated for about four months. The break-up was in April. So it wasn't as though she was a fixture in my life, nor is it particularly recent.

 

I've tried to rebuild my life as best as I can, but I think certain circumstances are holding me back. I live alone, for example, and she spent a lot of time in my flat, plus I work at her university. I haven't seen her around campus, but whenever I'm walking about I find myself looking out for her. I should probably add that I've been strict no contact (blocked on FB, deleted her number) since the end of May, and generally speaking I have no interest in connecting with her again- I don't want to find out that she's moved on. On the other hand, I obsess over where she is right now, what she's doing, whether she still lives in her old place etc. Sometimes I wonder whether I made the wrong decision burning my bridges like that- the last time I spoke to her, I specifically told her not to contact me.

 

I have tried to control my thoughts and avoid dwelling on her too much, but completely unexpected things will trigger memories to the point where I'm beginning to wonder if this is totally normal, or whether I have some kind of mental problem. I don't want to say I'm depressed, but it's the most powerful feeling of despair I've ever felt. Every time I feel as though I've gotten over it it comes back as bad as it ever was. Should I perhaps look at getting help from a professional quarter?

[sonicfan287]

Only you can answer that final question, but it's hard to say. For one thing, I'm not sure if there is a "normal" or "natural" way to get over a break-up. I think you've been doing the right things, staying occupied, going NC and telling her on no uncertain terms to do the same. These things do hurt for a while, regardless of amount of time spent or closeness and things like being around her area (even if you don't see her) can also trigger it. I'd say what you're going through happens to the majority of people. It varies by degree, of course, but it's hard to be 100% over somebody to the point that you NEVER think of them.

 

I think our minds and hearts want there to be a day where we don't think of them at all but I don't know how realistic that is. I think that their significance in your life will diminish over time which will produce a natural sense of "relief" or calm and you'll feel much better, as you've already witnessed. But also, you keep pressing yourself (as most do) for this day where you've completely forgotten and it may be part of the reason why you find yourself falling back into a pattern of "missing her". Thinking of her and missing her don't have to be the same thing but often times, they intertwine.

 

As I said, if you really feel you need help, definitely consult a professional. Whatever happens, hold your head high and know that you're not doing anything wrong. Emotions are more natural than you may realize

[Allipie]

that powerful feeling of despair IS depression.

I live alone as well, so it's not like I have roommates to distract me. Sometimes when I'd go to parts of the city where I know he could be, I would look for him.

 

You're not alone in how you feel. Length of a relationship doesn't mean that it'll hurt less if it was only for a short amount of time. I would suggest talking to a therapist, as that may be the push you need in the right direction. At some point though, you will decide that enough is enough (see my post) and you will be more proactive is trying to move on.

[SJ85]

Sounds like you were(are) really in love with her. You don't have to be with someone for a long time to make a deep impression on you. It's normal to do the things you explained and it's good your keeping track of it. Just make yourself stop when you notice yourself going in the direction of thinking of her again. Maybe find more hobbies and hang out with friends more to keep yourself distracted. Most importantly don't bring yourself down for not being over her yet. These things take time and patience...

[permanentshrug]

I think our minds and hearts want there to be a day where we don't think of them at all but I don't know how realistic that is. I think that their significance in your life will diminish over time which will produce a natural sense of "relief" or calm and you'll feel much better, as you've already witnessed. But also, you keep pressing yourself (as most do) for this day where you've completely forgotten and it may be part of the reason why you find yourself falling back into a pattern of "missing her". Thinking of her and missing her don't have to be the same thing but often times, they intertwine.

 

I don't want to forget about her, because I'm grateful to her in a lot of ways. It's just that I had hoped that I would maybe, by now, be starting to consider her in a more objective light, but there are times when I find that impossible. What you say about the pattern of 'missing her' does ring true, maybe three times in the last few months I've thought I was back on track, only to discover otherwise.

 

I should probably have added that she was my first in any way serious girlfriend. I was cautious about saying that because I think it does explain a lot of the sadness I've been feeling. So I don't know if I was in love with her, SJ85, but I do know that I don't really have much of a frame of reference for what I'm going through right now. I can't really say whether I'm making myself worse or not.

 

But thanks for your words, guys, even just talking about it on here has been a help.

[YouCanDeleteThisAccount]

I'd say you're normal. My ex continutally creeps back into my mind as much as I wish she would just go away for good. And when I think I'm finally making progress, life seems to find a way to remind me of her and bring back the pain of the breakup. Each time the pain is less and easier to handle, but if you're anything like me, it will come and go in waves as your mind slowly finishes processing the experience. Sleep, exercise, and positive thinking are my recommendations, but that's sometimes easier said than done.

 

Good luck...