Had a threesome, now emotional rollercoaster

[Seraphim]

You need to reign this in fast and never see F or cut things waaaaaayyyyy back. A threesome is supposed to be an event you share with your girlfriend, not an excuse to set another woman in your sights which is frankly what this sounds like. She is married and what would your girlfriend think if she knew you are now crushing on this woman.

 

Sorry, but now that the horse is out of the barn you need to tell yourself,"Well, that was an amazing once-in-a-lifetime experience" and then really make it once in a lifetime. Now go off and try to figure out what is going on with you and your girlfriend that you could transfer feelings that quickly from her to some married chick you had sex with who barely remembers doing so.

 

Yes, and your gf is also being hosed too.

[itsallgrand]

I mean, it is only me who thinks it is as obvious as the sun that OP is not wanting/able to be in a committed relationship right now?

 

Why not be single and screw whoever you want, have as many threesomes as you want, and ditch the guilt shame bit.

 

The fact that you are infactuated with a married and emotionally unavailable woman pretty much says it all to me. The rest is just sex.

[lavenderdove]

>>I want to talk to F more. Find out where she is at, what she is thinking? Is she OK?

 

No, no, no! Her emotional well-being is her own issue and her partner's (her husband's) issue, not yours!

 

You don't REALLY want to know what she's feeling, you just want to do it again because it was fun. When it comes to talking about feelings, that needs to be between you and your partner, not some random women who got drunk and a little wild with you two. This other woman is married and is not going to be your partner, and most likely won't be all that interested in doing it again if she wants to stay married. So just leave it alone.

 

If you want to do it more with other women, then that is something you need to ask your GF about to see whether she wants this to be a recurring theme in your own relationship, or whether it was just a one shot deal.

[IAmFCA]

We don't know... I know two who would have thought it fine.

 

Okay, if she was not married I would have nothing to say. I don't care what free consenting adults want to do as long as they are not hurting others. HOWEVER, you don't know what her arrangements are with her husband as you admitted to. HE could be being hurt. So while people are busy giving you high five's some poor guy could be getting hosed.

 

Think about how you would feel if you were that husband.

[jul-els]

None of us here know the status of F's marriage, so there's no way to have an informed opinion on it. The issue for the OP is to get himself on solid ground. If it means he doesn't love his girlfriend or doesn't want to be with her, or he does want to be with her and have a more open relationship or if he wants to be with her but not have anyone else in the bedroom with them ever again is something he needs to openly and honestly assess for himself. Once he has done that he needs to honestly and openly discuss it with his girlfriend and the two of them need to establish the proper protocol for their relationship.

[jul-els]

Wow, I really stirred up the hornets nest with my honest post. so many angry posts.

 

Jul-els. Thank you for the helpful feedback. I realize what happened wasn't perfect, and I have a lot of stuff to sort through, but looking at this at face value, it was a fun night. An incredible night.

 

My relationship with my GF isn't perfect. And yes, this was incredibly giving of her - mind blowingly giving. You are right. And yes, I don't know anything about F's relationship with her husband. This might be a one time thing that never ever happens again.

 

I'll try to sort things out in my head.

 

Thanks.

 

I recommend you make it a one and done with F. You aren't ready to handle anything else from the sound of it. Be honest with yourself, maintain your boundaries and be honest with yourself about what you want and what you can handle. Whether that be ending your relationship with your current gf, exploring the opportunites of a more open relationship with her, or not going down that avenue again is something you need to decide for yourself. Be honest with yourself about your feelings and once you've done that follow your gut, not your heart or your head. Do what feels right and best for you and is the most fair to your girlfriend.

[Longview01]

Who would of guessed that a threesome while in a committed relationship would lead to emotional problems and feelings being exposed for all to see?

[bulletproof]

We don't know... I know two who would have thought it fine.

 

I agree that we have no idea. I know more than one couple that this would be okay with also.

 

He isn't responsible for her marriage. That's her business, her responsibility.

[itsallgrand]

Seems like moral relativism to me to pick n' choose which married people it is ok to mess around with. It is true no one except the two know exactly what their relationship is about. But if someone wants to make proclamations of commitment like boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife, etc. then I think it is better to respect that. Even if those people don't. Otherwise, how can you not start to slip down the relativism slope yourself? Where commitment means whatever you want it to that day.

 

We could discuss it all day long, but commitment between two people exclusively is simply a different thing than situations where that isn't there - label or not.

 

I have no judgment about people having threesomes. I agree with Longview32 though; there is a reason that it has become a cliche that threesomes and committed relationships are not compatible.

[woolong]

I recommend you make it a one and done with F. You aren't ready to handle anything else from the sound of it. Be honest with yourself, maintain your boundaries and be honest with yourself about what you want and what you can handle. Whether that be ending your relationship with your current gf, exploring the opportunites of a more open relationship with her, or not going down that avenue again is something you need to decide for yourself. Be honest with yourself about your feelings and once you've done that follow your gut, not your heart or your head. Do what feels right and best for you and is the most fair to your girlfriend.

Thank you for the objective and clear advice. I am going to work through this, on my own, and with my current GF. It's obvious to me, I am lacking emotional maturity to handle a situation for this. It's certainly stirred up a lot of feelings that I need to resolve and work through.

 

It was a first time doing something like this for me. So I had no idea how I'd react.

[IAmFCA]

OP, I am not quite sure what made this such a destabilizing experience for you.

 

Part of me wants to say Get over yourself. You da man, your life rocks, all men want to be you. Now, back to your regularly scheduled life. Pick up the socks, take out the trash, kiss your gf on the forehead. Its just sex, it won't save the planet.

 

I guess that's what happens when one gets jaded from dating a hyper-sexual narcissus. Forgive me.

 

Still, you had an awesome hook up. Does she want more kissy face with chicks? Do you want more fun with strange? Or can you two still turn each other on, just the two of you? Remember why you are together? It isn't just the sex. Its the knowing each other, the sort of intimacy that lasts is the kind that seems boring, but is awesome in its constancy and its depth. Think on that.

[Blue Spiral]

Who would of guessed that a threesome while in a committed relationship would lead to emotional problems and feelings being exposed for all to see?

 

Yes, let's make a list of things that can lead to emotional problems in relationships, and thus must be shamed:

 

--texting

 

--opposite gender co-workers

 

--expectations

 

--families

 

--dating

 

--sexual needs

 

And the list goes on...

[Iggles]

Part of me wants to say Get over yourself. You da man, your life rocks, all men want to be you. Now, back to your regularly scheduled life. Pick up the socks, take out the trash, kiss your gf on the forehead. Its just sex, it won't save the planet.

 

This is awfully judgey.

 

Not everyone can so easily separate sex from emotions! The casual sex crowd may view sex like a handshake but for others forming bonds/emotional ties happen which we cannot control.

 

OP had sex with a woman he was attracted to/had interest in and now he has a crush. He's struggling with that and thinking of her "too much" since he has a girlfriend and doesn't want to hurt her.

 

Sex has consequences -- and no, not talking about pregnancy or STDs -- but sometimes sex changes how you feel. What was fun in the moment may change and bring epiphanies or regrets. In his case, he's not handling opening up the relationship like he thought he would. From here on out, it's his choice how to to proceed:

 

1. Cut contact with 'F' and refocus his attention on his relationship
   
2. Reach out to 'F' and keep the lines of communication open, hoping for round 2
   

Personally, I think it was wrong to hook up with F without knowing if they were helping her commit adultery and they should feel bad about that.

[IAmFCA]

You are right, it does sound like i am judging the OP. That is because I do not understand the overwhelming rush of emotions he experienced. He and gf went to check on F, good move. Beyond that, why obsess about her? Why not accept that what's done is done, nobody is unhappy. OP has had casual sex before, at least that is my impression, given his ability to keep up with the night's events as they unfolded. It makes me wonder, why obess about this particular occurrence?

 

Sometimes society gives us more permission to feel guilt than to feel elation. They all indulged in lust, together. If lust is a sin, they sinned, for sure. It was lust, which is a straight forward thing. He experienced his fantasy, which is huge. And often a letdown, but this wasn't. Why shouldn't he celebrate a fantasy successfully realized with no pain, harm or wrong doing? ... well, except for the F marriage, so what to do about that. ..

 

With respect to feeling bad about what happened? To what constructive purpose? Focus one's energies on what can be changed. The past can't be changed. Did F do wrong? We don't know. Did they take care of F by making sure she was within bounds? No. They would have been better friends had they done that. So, rather than feel bad about it, talk to F, decide to drink less, clarify their rules for each other in case either of them is on travel etc.

 

Did they learn something new about each other? Maybe. Talk to each other.

 

This is all within his control.

[lavenderdove]

>>Beyond that, why obsess about her?

 

My opinion on this is that this was like taking a fantasy vacation for him. It was an idyllic moment and he wants more of it.

 

It is like someone who goes to a foreign country they've always dreamed about and has a fantastic vacation that they consider mind altering/mind blowing. They might return home and feel all kinds of emotions like, 'that is what life is really about! how can i return to my mundane life? Maybe i should quit my job and return back to the wonderful people in Tibet because it is so perfect there...'

 

But the reality is there is real life and then there are 'vacations' from real life that can be really exhilarating and exciting BUT how do you incorporate that into your day to day life? So he had a 'Himalayas' kind of moment with this woman where it made a lot of his fantasies real for a moment and hence just blew him away where it was not only a physical rush but an emotional one as well. Now he is eager and obsessed and excited about trying to make the moment more REAL and more 'all the time.'

 

But frankly it sounds more like a drunken interlude where the married woman got really wasted, and maybe this is something she does now and again because her husband lives far away and they've agreed to it (or not), but the married women considers it no big deal and just acted confused as to why it was such a big deal for him. He was seeing it as a 'magic moment' that was potentially life alterating, and the married woman was like 'whatever, man, i have a huge hangover so just shut up and stop acting like it was some big thing when it was just a spot of fun.'

 

So the problem now may be that he wants to move permanently to Tibet so to speak because he has so much fun and it was so exhilarating for him, whereas his partner may only want to visit Tibet once in a lifetime, and may have enjoyed it at the time but doesn't want to spend her life in a foreign country hiking the high altitudes and eating goat cheese, whereas he is WAY into that idea.

 

So what needs to happen is he needs to calm down and realize this was like a really fun dream vacation for him, but that doesn't mean he should try to move to Tibet or triangulate this other woman into their lives (and she probably isn't even interested in that and most likely may be either regretting it because she is married, or forgetting it because it is something she does now and again when her husband isn't available and it is no big deal for her).

 

Party's over, vacation's over, and he and his partner need to discuss whether this kind of 'vacation' from monogamy is something that they both want to take or whether it will ultimately end their relationship because his partner doesn't want to change her life for the sake of accommodating this kind of thing into their relationship on a regular basis.

[lerenard]

Drunk threesome surely is a lot more fun then a real relationship. Even if you try to built it with someone you had that threesome with.

[lavenderdove]

btw, regarding how the other woman might feel, you made these two comments: ' F admitted to me that she get's "bi" when she's drunk' and 'My GF did most of the talking as I was an anxious wreck... Luckily she didn't seem angry/cold, but kind of embarrassed, intrigued and curious'

 

So I think the woman has been down this road many times before. And she was probably bemused, thinking to herself, 'i can't believe what a big deal they are making about this little drunken hook up.'

 

And the fact that she was 'intrigued and curious' when your GF was talking indicates that she has a strong attraction TO YOUR GF. So she may want a repeat performance, but more likely just with your GF, and you were just along for the ride as a vehicle for her to get at your GF to scratch her 'bi' itch and hunger for a woman when drunk.

[IAmFCA]

OP, as time is passing, how are you feeling? Are your emotions settling down for you?

[superfan]

The concert was a blast. Everyone was dancing drinking and having fun. We all obviously got drunk, F more so than others. F admitted to me that she get's "bi" when she's drunk and I just laughed it off as her being drunk/silly. Night evolves and she's getting a bit more touchy feely with me and my GF. Eventually we get her back to her place and things get a lot more amorous between her and my GF, them making out, me with my jaw of the floor and getting kind of into it. Sparing the details, we get inside and a lot happens. Wonderful, beautiful, fun stuff. My god, your god, all the gods.

 

So far it sounds like you enjoyed yourselves. Not seeing a problem here.

 

We leave, and head home, and pass out. GF makes sure I have sex with her before I pass out and come (I never came over at F's place). I do, and I am out like a drunken sailor.

 

Next morning I wake up, head blazing and my first thought is "My god what have I (we) done!?" Instant flood of emotions. Ranging from concerns about her (waking up alone and possible confused), concerns that we both just fooled around with a married woman, feelings of guilt, that someone we took advantage of her (not the case), recalling the wondering night itself, and other feelings.

 

I spoke to my GF and we both decided to head over there with coffee to talk to her, and try to see how she was and to make sure she was safe/ok. She answered a bit confused and curious, but seemingly OK. My GF did most of the talking as I was an anxious wreck and probably couldn't form coherent sentences. I almost feared she'd cry "rape". Luckily she didn't seem angry/cold, but kind of embarrassed, intrigued and curious. I'd guess the conversation went ok...

 

This is curious. Why did you fear she would cry rape? Why would you feel guilt? Unless you took advantage of a woman who was unable to consent (which from your description, it doesn't sound as if this was the case), then you did not rape this woman and there is no reason you should fear her saying so. I can understand feeling guilty because she is married, but at the same time, that was her call and you don't know what kind of arrangement she might have with her husband.

 

I am not handling things very well. It's really bugging me, as the idea of a 3way with 2 women was a fantasy of mine. This one was completely unplanned and spontaneous. It was wonderful, erotic, amazing and hot. Why can't I just be "cool with it"?

 

I want to talk to F more. Find out where she is at, what she is thinking? Is she OK?

 

Why? You already talked to her and she seemed OK with it. Why go back? What would that accomplish?

 

I can't stop thinking about her, that night, what happened. Her body, everything.

 

Ahh so what you really mean is that you are infatuated with this woman and using your "guilt" is a good excuse to talk to her again, yes?

 

I am worried as being called out as a rapist because we were all drunk and she admitted to not remembering everything. I don't think this was the case at all, but it's still a nagging fear.

 

Again, this is a really odd thing to fear if everything was consensual and you spoke to her afterwards and she still seemed OK with it.

 

I've always been attracted to F. She is young, gorgeous and super smart. However, she is married, and I am in a relationship. I am worried I am infatuated with her - moreso now. How do I reconcile that?

 

I don't want to make things awkward and weird. I vacillate between wanting to talk to her to not wanting to talk to her out of fear of freaking her out with my emotional immaturity. What if she is completely at ease with the whole thing and will look at me like some child?!

 

It definitely sounds like your feelings of "guilt" are coming from the fact that you are infatuated with this woman (and maybe the situation). You had this "fantasy" night and now you are projecting all of those fantasy feelings onto this woman, rather than your girlfriend (who by the way was there as well). It sounds like your relationship is maybe not as solid as you think it is because if it was, instead of worrying so much about this other woman and fantasizing about this other woman you would be thinking about how your girlfriend reacted/fantasizing about how hot it was to share that experience with her.

 

I don't want to alienate her, because (selfishly) the thought of doing it again has cross my mind - as highly unlikely that might be (it was incredibly hot at the time).

 

It's killing me, realizing the memories of the night are fading, and me desperately trying to hang on to them.

 

Lastly, I am also feeling incredible sadness at the thought of never seeing her again, of being older and her being younger and how much potential her life has versus mine and how exquisitely sad that is. This is my own insecurities I realize, but it's a twist of the knife thinking where her life could go, and where mine is...

 

You need to not talk to this woman again. In all likelihood whatever her situation is with her husband, I promise you she is not pining for you. It sounds more like she was into the idea of being with your girlfriend, but NOTHING good will come of keeping in contact with her. You will either ruin your relationship, or hers, or both. Let it remain a nice memory.

 

So yes, I am not emotionally strong enough to handle this. I learned that lesson. Two. Alcohol and partying is fun, and someone that night we all hit a magical place where my seemingly straight GF made out (and a lot more) wth our mutual friend. That said, alcohol helped some, but is generally not good for smart decisions (driving home, etc). Three, I have a lot of self-esteem, emotional issues to deal with. Not to mention dealing the the burgeoning feelings I have for F, and my seemingly weak feelings I have for my current GF (even though she is a wonderful friend and person).

 

I agree that you are not emotionally strong enough to handle this situation and it feels like deep down you know you don't have very strong feelings for your girlfriend. Threesomes (or foursomes) when done right should be a bonding experience for the couple, not an excuse to be with someone else. You had a drunken night and your girlfriend was OK with it which is every man's dream - except you want more and not from the person you are with. Somehow you have painted this picture in your head of the other woman as being this fun, sexy fantasy creature and your girlfriend as someone who "just went along for the ride", which is an unfair image of both people involved. This other woman is MARRIED. Whatever the situation with her husband, she is unavailable to YOU beyond the odd "one night". Your girlfriend was not only willing to try it, but seemed to enjoy it and yet all you can think about is the other woman. This is a huge red flag.

 

Look, 3somes and 4somes and polyamory CAN work for people. I have had one threesome and 2 foursomes with my husband since last year. When it first happened, all kinds of people told me my marriage was over, and we would not be able to deal with it. So far, nothing of the kind has happened but we are on the same page with everything. Our experiences have occurred not out of a desire to be with other people, but from a desire to share that sexual experience with each other. The first time it happened, it was with a friend of mine from University. Were we worried afterwards? Absolutely. But we did what you did and had a talk afterwards and made sure all parties were OK with what happened. That particular friend said she felt it was a one time experience and we respected that. It has happened since with another couple we are friends with and again we know where we stand there. We socialize with them all the time but neither myself or my husband wishes to intrude on their marriage, etc.

 

If the intentions and feelings involved are compatible and everyone is honest with each other, it CAN work, but it sounds like you want to repeat the experience as an excuse to be with this other woman and that is only going to cause problems.

 

Leave it as a hot night and maybe re-assess your feelings for your girlfriend.

[woolong]

OP, as time is passing, how are you feeling? Are your emotions settling down for you?

Somewhat. Thank you for the concern. I've been talking to the GF a bunch. It's helped a bit. Still trying to nail down why this stirred up such strong emotions for me. Like I said, at the time, it was amazing. It had always been a fantasy of mine. I was somewhat dissapointed that after it finally happened, I had such a surprisingly strong reaction...

[Longview01]

Yes, let's make a list of things that can lead to emotional problems in relationships, and thus must be shamed:

 

--texting

 

--opposite gender co-workers

 

--expectations

 

--families

 

--dating

 

--sexual needs

 

And the list goes on...

 

Its amazing that you seem to put all those things on the same level as introducing someone into your relationship sexually.

 

Nearly your entire list is day to day stuff....

[IAmFCA]

Somewhat. Thank you for the concern. I've been talking to the GF a bunch. It's helped a bit. Still trying to nail down why this stirred up such strong emotions for me. Like I said, at the time, it was amazing. It had always been a fantasy of mine. I was somewhat dissapointed that after it finally happened, I had such a surprisingly strong reaction...

 

I am wondering too. I am wondering if maybe the emotional reaction was a safe way to mark the occasion, in a way? Does that make any sense? Like, if there is no big reaction, it will have been anticlimactic?

[itsallgrand]

Somewhat. Thank you for the concern. I've been talking to the GF a bunch. It's helped a bit. Still trying to nail down why this stirred up such strong emotions for me. Like I said, at the time, it was amazing. It had always been a fantasy of mine. I was somewhat dissapointed that after it finally happened, I had such a surprisingly strong reaction...

 

Call me crazy, but I find it normal and healthy to feel conflicted after having a threesome and you are committed to someone.

The two of yours relationship lost something by taking that leap that you can never ever get back now - that nice cozy place where two people are committed to each other, and only each other, and no one else is allowed in that special place.

 

You dont mention how much you value that type of relationship, but if you do, it makes sense you would feel sad that you found it so easy to be swayed by intensity of lust and sex of another to the point that you two let it go.

 

If you didn't or don't find it special, then no big deal, no loss. But something tells me you do think that type of relationship is special.

 

Something else you said made me think though that you tend to believe that being able to play in the land of sexual escapes and open relationship territory without qualm makes someone somehow more emotionally sophisticated.

 

What if that isn't true?! Personally, I tend to think those that can do it are either/usually emotionally detached or wounded sorts, or simply a different more polygamous variety of person. Whom that comes naturally to.

 

If you are naturally more monogamous, and or value it for your own reasons, and find playing in that other place difficult emotionally, I do not think that makes you less than nor less emotionally sophisticated. Maybe it is simply that it is not for you.

[IAmFCA]

The two of yours relationship lost something by taking that leap that you can never ever get back now - that nice cozy place where two people are committed to each other, and only each other, and no one else is allowed in that special place.

 

For this couple, I actually got the sense that they maintained a sense of boundaries and togetherness; the comment about the sex they had alone, once home, for example; the way they both approached F the next day, for another. There is much we don't know about how this FELT for the OP, other than in the moment, it felt amazing - though there was no orgasm until he was alone with his gf.

[itsallgrand]

I guess is just one of those things that I can agree to disagree about. It isn't the same thing as two people who never bring another person into their relationship. It just isn't.

Though I can understand that not everyone necessarily feels that way. That was part of what I was hoping to find out; if he feels emotional loss from having done this.