Had a threesome, now emotional rollercoaster

[woolong]

So, my GF (36F) and I (39M) had a three-way the other night. Totally unplanned, and at the time, amazing. I woke up the next day feeling crappy however - for a number of reasons. Thought I'd anonymously post my thoughts for feedback.

 

I invited a friend (lady I know called "F" - 29F) out to a concert over the weekend with my GF, and a bunch of our friends. I don't know F very well, but she's done stuff with my GF and our group some, and she's a fun, gorgeous intelligent person. I didn't really think she'd even come out - as she's really busy and married (but husband is living out of state). Pleasantly surprised to hear she was coming out.

 

The concert was a blast. Everyone was dancing drinking and having fun. We all obviously got drunk, F more so than others. F admitted to me that she get's "bi" when she's drunk and I just laughed it off as her being drunk/silly. Night evolves and she's getting a bit more touchy feely with me and my GF. Eventually we get her back to her place and things get a lot more amorous between her and my GF, them making out, me with my jaw of the floor and getting kind of into it. Sparing the details, we get inside and a lot happens. Wonderful, beautiful, fun stuff. My god, your god, all the gods.

 

We leave, and head home, and pass out. GF makes sure I have sex with her before I pass out and come (I never came over at F's place). I do, and I am out like a drunken sailor.

 

Next morning I wake up, head blazing and my first thought is "My god what have I (we) done!?" Instant flood of emotions. Ranging from concerns about her (waking up alone and possible confused), concerns that we both just fooled around with a married woman, feelings of guilt, that someone we took advantage of her (not the case), recalling the wondering night itself, and other feelings.

 

I spoke to my GF and we both decided to head over there with coffee to talk to her, and try to see how she was and to make sure she was safe/ok. She answered a bit confused and curious, but seemingly OK. My GF did most of the talking as I was an anxious wreck and probably couldn't form coherent sentences. I almost feared she'd cry "rape". Luckily she didn't seem angry/cold, but kind of embarrassed, intrigued and curious. I'd guess the conversation went ok...

 

I am not handling things very well. It's really bugging me, as the idea of a 3way with 2 women was a fantasy of mine. This one was completely unplanned and spontaneous. It was wonderful, erotic, amazing and hot. Why can't I just be "cool with it"?

 

I want to talk to F more. Find out where she is at, what she is thinking? Is she OK?

 

I can't stop thinking about her, that night, what happened. Her body, everything.

 

I am worried as being called out as a rapist because we were all drunk and she admitted to not remembering everything. I don't think this was the case at all, but it's still a nagging fear.

 

I've always been attracted to F. She is young, gorgeous and super smart. However, she is married, and I am in a relationship. I am worried I am infatuated with her - moreso now. How do I reconcile that?

 

I don't want to make things awkward and weird. I vacillate between wanting to talk to her to not wanting to talk to her out of fear of freaking her out with my emotional immaturity. What if she is completely at ease with the whole thing and will look at me like some child?!

 

We ed around with a married person. That's not cool - even though she was (seemingly at the time) fine with it, even after my GF kept iterating to her - "you're married?!" (he's been out of state for a while due to work etc) so she has been alone for a bit.

 

I don't want to alienate her, because (selfishly) the thought of doing it again has cross my mind - as highly unlikely that might be (it was incredibly hot at the time).

 

It's killing me, realizing the memories of the night are fading, and me desperately trying to hang on to them.

 

Lastly, I am also feeling incredible sadness at the thought of never seeing her again, of being older and her being younger and how much potential her life has versus mine and how exquisitely sad that is. This is my own insecurities I realize, but it's a twist of the knife thinking where her life could go, and where mine is...

 

So yes, I am not emotionally strong enough to handle this. I learned that lesson. Two. Alcohol and partying is fun, and someone that night we all hit a magical place where my seemingly straight GF made out (and a lot more) wth our mutual friend. That said, alcohol helped some, but is generally not good for smart decisions (driving home, etc). Three, I have a lot of self-esteem, emotional issues to deal with. Not to mention dealing the the burgeoning feelings I have for F, and my seemingly weak feelings I have for my current GF (even though she is a wonderful friend and person).

 

Any helpful advice is welcome. I wasn't sure if this was the right subforum to post to either...

 

Thanks...

 

woolong.

[mhowe]

When you play with matches, getting burned is a real possiblity.

 

With you self admitted self esteem and emotional issues, I would avoid sexual situations that will lower them further.

[Seraphim]

I wonder if her husband will find it awesome. She needs to be divorced if that is what she wants to do. You need to tell your girlfriend you're attracted to F.

[t1lersm0m1]

Well - F is a married woman, so I don't think pursuing anything there is smart. And with how conflicted you are afterward, I do not think you should consider repeating the experience (but I think you know this already).

 

I think what you have to do now is figure out how you feel about your girlfriend. It sounds like this experience has made you realize you might not be as happy as you'd like to be. I say that you have to resolve what you feel for your gf and decide what to do about that.

[IAmFCA]

OMG you took an amazing night of three adults being responsible for themselves, sort of, and turned it into your own personal drama.

 

Why are you so worried about the emotional health of this woman? She is an intelligent adult who told you while sober that when she loses her inhibitions, her bi side shows. She invited you two into her home, she made moves on both of you before then and after, and she was cool the next day. I respect that you two paid her a visit, I think that was responsible, caring, perfect.

 

What I see is YAY, no issue, adults being adults and cool with themselves.

 

I am not sure what the issue is, except that you seem bound and determined to make it one.

 

Maybe, since this was a fantasy of yours, the overthinking afterwards is helping you mark the experience? Is it a mask for what you really want to say, maybe "OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG I CANT BELIEVE THAT HAPPENED! THAT WAS AWESOME! I SHOULD FEEL GUILTY, RIGHT?"

 

But why feel guilty? I just don't see what the problem is. Be psyched. Be appreciative. Love that gf of yours.

[Seraphim]

I see a problem with it. The other woman is married.

[IAmFCA]

I see a problem with it. The other woman is married.

 

Agree, in concept, except I don't because I have at least two sets of friends who permit this sort of thing within their definition of marriage. Unless one is trying to threaten a marriage, I have given up on policing others' marriages. It seems the woman was very clear about her intentions, and nobody is trying to create a relationship that would threaten the marriage by definition. I assume she is managing her marital rules responsibly.

 

I don't mean to be cavalier about it; my own views of marriage are more narrow. They are mine, and, apparently, not hers.

[Cheetarah]

Perhaps she and the husband have an alternative arrangement.

 

You satiated a long-time fantasy with F. I wonder if this has her on some kind of (temporary) pedestal for a time being.

 

What's going on with your relationship? Have there been feelings of discontentment and disconnect prior to this experience?

[Clinton]

A lot of the time , maybe most of the time, fantasies like that should remain fantasies.

 

All you have to do is Google threesome relationship problems to see some of the fallout.

 

That's not to say some can't enjoy it

Just the majority of us aren't set up to deal with the consequences of such relationships.

 

If its really freaking you out, seek counseling to deal with your feelings. And don't approach this situation again

 

Best of luck

[IAmFCA]

For folks who are saying to re-assess feelings for gf..... did I overlook? I felt like he and gf went to bed and woke up on the same page with one another. I did not detect a desire to see this other woman, or otherwise diminish his view of his gf because of this experience.

 

It isn't his marriage, or his gf's marriage. We aren't talking to her to ask Did you just cheat? We are talking to him who is obsessing. He needs to stop obsessing. This is a drunken indulgence. Their eyes are now open to the fact that they like it; there are ways to perpetuate it as part of their intimate life, if they want. Some people manage this well. I am not among them, but I don't judge those who are.

 

She was married; okay. Let's ask her if she screwed up, when she writes in.

 

I will allow that they might have asked her - and they probably did - is this okay with your H? If they knew it wasn't, then yes, they all are culpable for joining her is a self-destructive act. If he knows the couple well enough to know this is not cool within their marriage, then he is culpable. But he doesn't know them that well; the wife hardly shows up for stuff, ever.

 

Accept that it happened, stop judging yourself, decide if you want to do that more often and what the rules are -- strangers, websites, coming/not coming, intercourse/not intercourse, etc., and move on.

[missmarple]

For folks who are saying to re-assess feelings for gf..... did I overlook? I felt like he and gf went to bed and woke up on the same page with one another. I did not detect a desire to see this other woman, or otherwise diminish his view of his gf because of this experience.

 

He said he's always been attracted to F and even infatuated with her and he can't stop thinking about her. He even said he has 'weak feelings' for his gf...who is a 'wonderful friend and person'.

 

If that doesn't mean he needs to re-assess feelings for his gf, I don't know what does.

[IAmFCA]

He said he's always been attracted to F and even infatuated with her and he can't stop thinking about her. He even said he has 'weak feelings' for his gf...who is a 'wonderful friend and person'.

 

If that doesn't mean he needs to re-assess feelings for his gf, I don't know what does.

 

 

Woops. Those are strong statements.

 

If the attraction to F preceded and continues after the hook up, then the hook up never should have occurred, because the prior attraction already was a threat to the primary relationship.

 

Some people can regard sex as an activity. Others regard sex as a communion. Still others find a middle ground.

 

OP, this was sex. It may have had a team work aspect to it that brought you a closer feeling, but it was not intimacy. It was a raucous indulgence permitted by drug-induced freedom. Do not confuse it with reality, and do not drink if ever again in F's presence.

 

With respect to your gf, she sounds awesome in that she was not threatened, she was responsible to you and to herself, and to F the next day. If your appreciation of her already was waning, then that is a separate issue you need to address. Viewed through that lens, this all sounds like chaos that should have been avoided, only because you are not clear in your own mind.

[bulletproof]

I think that you are taking on everyone else's potential thoughts/feelings and making them your own.

 

Everyone was a consenting adult. We don't know what her situation is with her husband, whether he's okay/not okay with this type of thing. She may have done it with him, who knows?

 

All you can do now, as others have pointed out, is realize that it took this situation to reassess your relationship with your gf. She has the right to know if you are not feeling the same way she is, or if you want out.

 

I also think that some of your guilt may be stemming from what society as a whole (very generally speaking) feels about things like threesomes. There is definitely a taboo, but you can choose to disagree with that if you wish. Overall, it sounds like everyone is okay with what their personal choices were.

[Blue Spiral]

A lot of the time , maybe most of the time, fantasies like that should remain fantasies.

 

You're absolutely right, threesomes usually fail...just like twosomes.

 

Any sort of long-lasting, healthy, functional relationship is basically a fantasy, based on what I've seen.

[Blue92]

Have you been having problems with your girlfriend? If not, then you are just infatuated by F after what happened. I would take some time to let the events of last night sink in before making any rash decisions in your relationship. If these strong feelings do not reside in time, you need to speak with your girlfriend about it. Mind you, I would bet you are only sexually attracted to the younger girl and nothing more.

[IAmFCA]

If anyone reads Dan Savage, he recently answered a letter about threesomes much as Blue Spiral just did.

 

We can not let fear of failure limit our choices. Twosomes fail, and succeed. Threesomes fail, and succeed. Polyamory works for some; not for others. Homosexuality works for some, not for others. Asexuality works for some, not for others. Intimacy is an individual choice.

 

If threesomes make you legitimately, deeply, peacefully happy, than whose business is it of anyone else to decline you that pleasure?

[jul-els]

OP, you need to let go of your guilt. You did nothing wrong, unless you believe following your desires for pleasure are wrong. All parties were consenting. Imo your girlfriend was very giving to agree to your adventure and you should appreciate her and be grateful for it. If F wants to have sex outside of her marriage, that is her responsibility and not yours. If you're now infatuated with F, that's your problem, don't project that onto your girfriend. This was just a night of fun, nothing more, nothing less. Building it up in your mind into something other than that is a foolish fantasy. Accept what happened, be thankful and appreciative for your girlfriend, go on with your lives together and be happy.

[Seraphim]

And y'all don't know if she has a threesome arrangement with her husband.

[reinventmyself]

I hear all the guilt, shame, infatuation, concern etc. . all differnt ways to have emotional ties to this young married woman.

It really isn't what to do about anything, but it's all your way of staying attached to her.

Are you half as concerned about your gf? . . partially?

This is a married woman that lives in another state. She is unavailable.

Detach. . Probably a good idea to consider not doing something like this again until you feel that you can handle it.

Put that energy into the relationship you have, not the one you don't.

[Seraphim]

I hear all the guilt, shame, infatuation, concern etc. . all emotional ties to this young married women on some level.

It really isn't what to do about anything, but it's all your way of staying attached to her.

Are you half as concerned about your gf? . . partially?

This is a married woman that lives in another state. She is unavailable.

Detach. . Probably a good idea to consider not doing something like this again until you feel that you can handle it.

Put that energy into the relationship you have, not the one you don't.

Exactly he's more worried about this other woman's state of mind than his girlfriend's state of mind. And even wanted his girlfriend to find out about this other woman's state of mind. I know what I would be saying about that. Go get yourself a new girlfriend. Don't let the door hit you in the backside on the way out.

[woolong]

OP, you need to let go of your guilt. You did nothing wrong, unless you believe following your desires for pleasure are wrong. All parties were consenting. Imo your girlfriend was very giving to agree to your adventure and you should appreciate her and be grateful for it. If F wants to have sex outside of her marriage, that is her responsibility and not yours. If you're now infatuated with F, that's your problem, don't project that onto your girfriend. This was just a night of fun, nothing more, nothing less. Building it up in your mind into something other than that is a foolish fantasy. Accept what happened, be thankful and appreciative for your girlfriend, go on with your lives together and be happy.

 

Wow, I really stirred up the hornets nest with my honest post. so many angry posts.

 

Jul-els. Thank you for the helpful feedback. I realize what happened wasn't perfect, and I have a lot of stuff to sort through, but looking at this at face value, it was a fun night. An incredible night.

 

My relationship with my GF isn't perfect. And yes, this was incredibly giving of her - mind blowingly giving. You are right. And yes, I don't know anything about F's relationship with her husband. This might be a one time thing that never ever happens again.

 

I'll try to sort things out in my head.

 

Thanks.

[woolong]

I don't consider it "drama" per se, but emotional immaturity. Yeah, it was incredible and fun, and she was a willing participant, and even instigator. I guess some stuff got stirred up for me, that's causing the conflicting emotions (I grew up in a very chaotic/abusive household, but have done a lot of work repairing that - counseling etc). Regardless, it had an impact and I am trying to sort through it. From my discussions with the GF she is completely at ease with it - aside from her surprise and what she did with F. From what little we gleaned from F she was ok, albeit a bit embarrassed and intrigued. I don't know her well enough to know _anything_ about her relationship with her husband or what arrangements they have.

 

I'll try to take a deep breath and just accept it for what a was - a wonderful, incredible night.

[woolong]

Exactly he's more worried about this other woman's state of mind than his girlfriend's state of mind. And even wanted his girlfriend to find out about this other woman's state of mind. I know what I would be saying about that. Go get yourself a new girlfriend. Don't let the door hit you in the backside on the way out.

In all fairness, I spoke about these feelings at length with my GF and I knew from the get go, that she was fine with it. Obviously, she is much more emotionally mature than I. Aside from the morning visit/chat, I haven't been able to say much to F. It's probably for the best, seeing the turmoil I am in.

[Seraphim]

Okay, if she was not married I would have nothing to say. I don't care what free consenting adults want to do as long as they are not hurting others. HOWEVER, you don't know what her arrangements are with her husband as you admitted to. HE could be being hurt. So while people are busy giving you high five's some poor guy could be getting hosed.

 

Think about how you would feel if you were that husband.

[ParisPaulette]

You need to reign this in fast and never see F or cut things waaaaaayyyyy back. A threesome is supposed to be an event you share with your girlfriend, not an excuse to set another woman in your sights which is frankly what this sounds like. She is married and what would your girlfriend think if she knew you are now crushing on this woman.

 

Sorry, but now that the horse is out of the barn you need to tell yourself,"Well, that was an amazing once-in-a-lifetime experience" and then really make it once in a lifetime. Now go off and try to figure out what is going on with you and your girlfriend that you could transfer feelings that quickly from her to some married chick you had sex with who barely remembers doing so.