John8769 Posted September 15, 2014 Share Posted September 15, 2014 Hello, Well... looking to get some honest feedback/input/advice/ etc... Had a great relationship with a woman since 2011.. Everything seemed to be going really well... we were headed for living together most likely marriage after that at some point in the future. Well, last summer she got into some legal trouble - and well she went into a depression at that point and it seriously hindered our relationship..we didnt go out anymore, we didnt do anything just sat at home most of the time and went to dinner, etc.. I started getting resentful over everything.. red flags were popping up everywhere to me... her FB activities, phone always going off for texts/notifications, i had some real issues with people making comments on her photos (youre so hot etc) and she would like those comments and tell them thank you etc.. anyway, some of these people are real losers... and I told her that it hurt me that she would post those pics and then id see the comments and she would just tell me "its no big deal - its jsut FB" and continued to do those things. then i grew more resentment..... i took my frustration out on her a few times by just letting all of my anger out.. jealousy, etc.. verbally yelling.. she was on alot of pain medicine, sleeping most of the day - up half the night doing guess what? (fb) anyway, i was supposed to move in this past spring - but for some reason - with all the red flags - i backed out... that broke her heart.. she was really angry with me.. we tried to continue the way things were - but she just couldnt do it... and two months later - she told me to take a hike... she tells me that she needs time to heal herself, be a better parent, etc.. its been about two months now of being broken up... and the crappy part about it - im all a freaking mess over losing her.. and im the one who CHOSE not to move in... I told her i was afraid if we were apart that she'd find someone else, or we'd lose the love we had, etc.. basically begging... for the past two months.. i had to go to her house over the weekend to pick up a lot of my belongings.. and my stupid a** did what i shouldnt have done... snooped... now its killing me.. i found a small 3 pack of condoms in her nightstand drawer.. and its new...unopened.. bought within the past two months (we were exclusive long term relationship and didnt use protection) shes told me all along that finding someone else isnt even her list of priorities, and its the farthest thing from her mind.. but obvioulsy she wants a little action from someone... and the funny part about it is she always told me that she was so picky about who she would even let touch her... bah, i dunno - she cheated on her husband of 17 years, then was with the guy for 2 years, then back with her husband (while she recovered from surgery) and then me.. i kind of feel like i did the right thing by not moving in - i feel there were a lot of red flags.. especially her online activities.. always secretive.. phone never left her side.. always up at night online.. history of cheating, dressed for attention, in my opinion poor parenting skills, everything was her way, and i jsut had to deal with it. ugh that sounds terrible as i write this... why the hell am i so heartbroken???? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emotion0901 Posted September 15, 2014 Share Posted September 15, 2014 I think you really need to go for excercise like running or work out to clear your mind. And then think if the past years were they really great? Or like you just said, everything was her own way and you have to deal with by yourself? People can say things. But wise man knows that those words must match their actions. If you don't see her words matching with her actions, particularly on those of that are important values to yours. Huge red flag. Personally I think your trust on her basically has been broken. And once trust is gone.... nothing is left. And you feel heartbroken because you know that this is over. But you are still trying to save the relationship ... in vain. Don't think that it is your fault that you choose not to move in. You sensed things you couldn't stand that intrude your values. it is naturally to decide that way to protect yourself. I suggest that you should carry on with your life. Distract yourself with activities to heal yourself. And might be moving on with your own life. If she ever comes to her sense, those trust issues must be sorted. E.g. She can't just invalidate your feelings and say it is no big deal. It is big deal to you and she should respect that and take proper actions. I know this is hard to be with someone and then break up. Your heart will be screaming and urging you to beg her back. BUT use your mind instead, you broke up for a good reason and if that reason can't never be changed, what's the point of coming back? To hurt yourself again? Be brave to walk away. Know that you deserve better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John8769 Posted September 15, 2014 Author Share Posted September 15, 2014 Thank you, I recently started going to a gym, it jsut seems like im going through the motions though... even though im excercising - my mind is racing about her.. I think you're right though.. the trust is gone.. and im heartbroken because i know its over.. and like you said.. trying to salvage it in vain... im trying to be brave.. and trying to walk away... i just now deleted her from my phone, deactivated my FB account, deleted all texts messages - now i have to get rid of the pictures on the phone... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted September 15, 2014 Share Posted September 15, 2014 Your head may be foggy for a while. Sounds to me like it might be helpful to schedule a few days of vacation to sit at home and map out your thinking. What made you stay with her? what were the red flags? Why did you accept those red flags, why did you ignore your inner voice? To me, it sounds very much like you did the right thing: she is chaos. Legal trouble, bad parenting skills, not taking responsibility for her part in the relationship, recovering by using meds, poor parenting skills. This sounds like love addiction more than real lasting love. Get at what lies underneath, and it will clear your head. In the meantime, be glad that you listened to your inner voice. That is the first step. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted September 15, 2014 Share Posted September 15, 2014 I don't think this is a situation where you were right and she was wrong. I think both of you did bad things. She should not have been secretive with her phone. But you completely overreacted about Facebook and yelling at her was uncalled for. She is not your property. If you had issues with her parenting then ultimately I think you are better off apart. Don't snoop in your ex's business. What she does is not your business anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emotion0901 Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 Thank you, I recently started going to a gym, it jsut seems like im going through the motions though... even though im excercising - my mind is racing about her.. I think you're right though.. the trust is gone.. and im heartbroken because i know its over.. and like you said.. trying to salvage it in vain... im trying to be brave.. and trying to walk away... i just now deleted her from my phone, deactivated my FB account, deleted all texts messages - now i have to get rid of the pictures on the phone... Good work, keep moving. The important point for now is to distract yourself with activities you enjoy. If you go to the gym and find your thoughts racing about her, turn on the music louder, really listen to it, every beats, every guitar ranges, let the music vibes your muscles ... really just focus on the NOW. There will be moments when emotions rise suddenly, make you think about her and all those nice memories.... accept it ... like you see a tidal wave is coming, take a deep calm breath, close your eyes .... let it flow through ... and open your eyes again, focus on the NOW. There is also one sentence I find ease my mind to think of 'some day we live, but there are some day we just survive'. In this period, it is totally okay to just survive. This too shall pass, and you will have a different life, of your own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Feast Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 Yeah, I think I understand and have been where you are. You wanted it to work, wanted to move forward, but there's this block that arises. Some people will call it commitment issues but that's no it at all. In your case it came when you were planning to move in, you couldn't because there were real problems that needed resolution before you could take that next step. It was to right decision, it was a protective realization stopping you, almost subconscious. I'm sure you were torn up about it, wanted to make her happy, but when push to came to shove you had to do the right thing and not move in. You probably thought this will still work just need to work things out, give things time. She decided you were at fault, didnt want to work on things, and decided to move on. She didnt tell you this of course, it was just her rationalization and lack of acceptance that she had issues, it's all on you in her mind. Now your blaming yourself, reliving every decision or action. She's not doing that of course. You did the right thing, distracting yourself and getting her out of your mind is a good thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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