Should we really break up?

[Hermy]

Hey guys,

 

I've been dating this girl (let's call her Emma) on and off for about 2.5 years, and we're both young (21). We'd do about 3 - 4 months on followed by like 3-4 weeks off and repeat this cycle, so in 2.5 years you can assume we've gone off and on dating quite a few times (probably 5 times). I know that sounds horrible, but we get along really really well, barely argue and it just seems like we're both outgoing people and as our relationship progresses we kind of get complacent and a little scared about relationships in general. I feel like this is because we're both naive and could use a little growing up. I mean this is both of our first serious relationships, and I was Emma's first for everything. We both know we love each other, and honestly think that getting back together and marriage in the future is a good probability because honestly, we get along really well, both as friends and as lovers. We have awesome sexual chemistry and always make each other laugh and smile, and we have some things in common but not everything so we still have our own separate lives.

 

However, during one of our off phases, I ended up hooking up with one of the people I used to not-so-seriously see, and after telling Emma, we had a long chat about why we're doing this cycle repeatedly and that we really want to fix it. Ideally, we both said that not doing this cycle and still being together is the absolute ideal, we still have intimate feelings for each other and every time we're together it's absolutely amazing. However, the times we spend apart (during our off times - because we study very intense courses a lot of our time is spent studying and we don't see each other as often during the week, but often see each other on weekends) make us grow more anxious and worried and all these pent up negative feelings happen. However, since we've done it quite a few times, we decided it was best we do a no contact kind of thing for as long as we can.

 

I really love this girl and I think she feels similarly about me, and I personally don't think it'll be very easy to get over her. I don't want to get over her, and she's said the same about me. Do you think over a few months (possibly 4-5 months) that we'll be over each other? Should we be doing this no contact thing? Will it be good for us? What other course of action is there? I really don't want to lose her, she means the world to me and I'm scared that me hooking up with somebody during one of our off times, although it isn't cheating, will help her get over me quicker and it's really worrying me. What should I / we do?

 

Thanks for any advice!

[abitbroken]

I think that its normal when you are a teen to hang out with a friend or someone, have a falling out and come back together, but in your 20s, if you keep repeating the pattern of on again/off again, this is not a healthy relationship. What ends up happening is that you can never truly find someone who is a better match for you because you are holding yourself open for the chance she might come your way again in a few months. You shouldn't look like other dates as what you do in between the breaks, but date the next young woman sincerely and see where it goes.

 

Yes, I would go no contact. Maybe you will stop seeing other women as "hookups" and actually date them in a proper way instead of always thinking in the back of your head every woman is just a time passer.

 

 

Hooking up won't get you over her quicker. You need time to yourself so you are not solving relationship problems with climbing into bed with someone else. It may not be 'cheating' to you, but it reinforces the idea that its okay to sleep with someone to solve your problems with someone else.

[Hermy]

Thank you for your reply, and I completely agree. This on and off again thing is not healthy and we are very young. I'm just so scared. I don't want to lose her, but at the same time I don't want to do the same thing over and over again. I just want to be with her and have no complications. And the thing that bugs me is that I don't even know where we went wrong so there's nothing I can or she can do to self improve! We basically NEVER had fights, and got along so well, we loved each other, had strong feelings for each other, respected and cared for each other, but it just kept falling apart for no apparent reason every time!

 

Do you think this could just be a time thing and in the future it'll work out perfectly? I know the best thing for me is to just leave it, any sane minded person outside the relationship would say that. But I'm so scared that she might find somebody she might like or love similarly to me, and plain and simply because she doesn't have the history with that person like that, she will fall head over heels for that guy and effectively end any sort of possibility we have of having a successful relationship. Granted, the same thing could easily happen to me as well but I feel like I'm not as naive as she is and she's such a sweet girl that it's much more likely for her than me. Plus, I'm hugely punching above my weight HAHAHA so that's also on the downside for me.

 

I just don't understand how we can love each other, be IN love with each other, have a great time and everything keeps falling apart and it really bugs me and makes me feel horrible.

[zentoCC]

I don't get it. How did these break ups happen then? If you don't fight what initiated them? Everyone has something to improve and the fact that you keep breaking up proves it.

[Hermy]

I don't get it. How did these break ups happen then? If you don't fight what initiated them? Everyone has something to improve and the fact that you keep breaking up proves it.

 

Hey zento,

 

I completely agree. What I meant was since we didn't fight or argue or anything, I know there are things to improve on but I don't know what it is! Haha it's a very confusing situation, but I think we both get kind of complacent with each other after the initial stages of getting back together. The first couple of months after we go back on again is all amazing and exciting and we can't get enough of each other. We can't wait to see each other and so on. But as the relationship goes on, that need to see each other every single day wears off (which I think is quite normal?) and we kind of get complacent.

 

This is the reason why I think the relationship failed (hopefully not forever) from my perspective. I know it's normal to sometimes have just some quiet times and not talk when we're together, but given our on and off history, after the initial couple of months, sometimes when we just chill or do something, the conversations are not as exciting (again i think this is normal), and since it is kind of a step down from the initial exciting conversations, my mind starts playing tricks on me and telling me that something is wrong even though nothing is wrong at all. This all spirals out of control and then whenever I go and see her I put this pressure on myself to always make her laugh and be interesting and when I can't live up to my expectations, I feel like I lose control of the situation and very uneasy and unrelaxed. I think if our history weren't what it is, we would be having no problems whatsoever. How am I supposed to get rid of this history factor?

 

So in saying that, we actually have no problem whatsoever, we get along soooo well, and both love and are in love with each other, for me at least it's the history thing that just subconsciously plays with my mind, but I think that's the same for her as well. I have no idea how to fix this...

[abitbroken]

 

So in saying that, we actually have no problem whatsoever, we get along soooo well, and both love and are in love with each other, for me at least it's the history thing that just subconsciously plays with my mind, but I think that's the same for her as well. I have no idea how to fix this...

 

You don't "get along so well." you might get along as acquaintances or casual friends who can talk about the same bands, but when it comes to a relationship, your mutual solution to problems is to lose contact instead of working through them or you don't really want to connect with her when you are not "on" and at your best or don't feel you are interesting enough, etc. When people are in a relationship, sure they can be with eachother at a nice day at the park and have times where there is a lull in the conversation or they are just enjoying laying in the sun in silence, but "not talking" as in not hearing eachother's voice for weeks is not a relationship.

 

I think that you need to NOT be in a relationship - and no hook ups either - and become more secure about yourself for yourself before you date. Branch out. Try new things. Join clubs. Make new male friends. Etc. and explore why you have to be witty and exciting to be worthwhile.

[saluk]

Not fighting can be bad sign. It can mean that instead of heading through the scary doors to see what's on the other side, you avoid them. And if it's gone on for a very long time, you are so good at avoiding those doors it's almost like you don't notice them. But subconsciously, you both realize that this thing you are trying to build is incomplete. There doesn't have to be anything "wrong" for there to be missing pieces, and without experience, neither of you has any idea what those pieces may even look like! Definitely take some real space. Not for any specific purpose, not to change into people who can then be together the right way - but eyes wide open at what else might be out there to embrace in life. You have some history - so do most people. It's one of the things that makes us who we are. But not finishing getting stuck in that history can be a great story - much better than a soap opera story where you just want to change the channel because the plotlines keep repeating.