Any 12-Steppers out there? Want to share 4th Step experiences?

[t1lersm0m1]

Ok, so I know the 12-Step programs are "Anonymous." However, I was hoping some people might want to share their experiences with doing the steps, and particularly with Steps 4 and 5.

 

You don't have to necessarily share your deepest darkest secrets, or what was in your 4th step. Although if you wanted to, I wouldn't mind reading it. But I guess I want you to share how you felt after doing the 4th and 5th step. I'm kinda nervous about putting my deepest darkest secrets on paper, or on an online forum like this, or wherever/however I decide to do it. But what terrifies me is sharing those deep dark secrets with another human being.

 

We are all human, and therefore all make mistakes. I guess that's what makes me human. But admitting those mistakes seems very very hard.

[lavenderdove]

12 step programs are very helpful for some people, and not for others. So you have to analyze whether this approach works with who you are or not. There are also many modern addiction models that are not 12 step programs that can be followed if you are uncomfortable with the AA approach.

 

I think it is excellent to do a moral inventory of yourself, which I interpret as being HONEST with yourself about yourself and your actions and living in a way that is true to yourself and your value system, and to values that take you in a direction you feel will improve your life. That is absolutely NOT the same as self flagellation because you were a 'bad girl.' It is about living true to reality and yourself, which can be a HUGE improvement and take a lot of the drama and stress out of your life if you find your inner compass and follow it.

 

But personally I am not sure if confessions of darkest secrets to random people is a good idea, depending on their own character and intent towards you. It could be damaging for you depending on who you reveal them to and what they do with that information. I would encourage you to get a therapist who you can talk to in a therapeutic context who will not reveal any of your secrets unless they legally have to do so because they are an admission of intent to harm yourself or endanger someone else (which i seriously doubt is your case). If that goes well, you can consider whether you feel the need to reveal those secrets to others or not, and to whom.

[jjkk]

It's important to do the steps w/ a sponsor, not just random people. You spend time and do the first three steps w/ this sponsor in order to create a relationship and build trust. They are to keep what you tell them confidential.

 

I had pages written for my 4th step. I did it from an NA book and there were many questions it asked and I answered them for my 4th step. Once I had completed writing it out I shared it w/ my sponsor who'd I'd been developing a relationship w/ over several months.

 

I felt amazing after completing my 4th step!! I had been in a crazy funk that I couldn't pull myself out of after I quit using. It was probably at around 7 months clean that I did 4th step. It was like the fog lifted and I felt good again finally!!

 

Of course I still have much to work on and many character defects, some of which I mentioned in my 4th step still w/ me but WOW did it feel good to get so much out! It was healing and comforting to me. I was on a natural high for a couple of weeks afterward. We all have our own unique experiences doing this so everyone won't have the same experience but it was extremely positive for me.

 

I've heard over and over people get hung up on doing the 4th step and stall and don't do it, make excuses, etc. Everyone who's shared in the meetings I attend afterward have said it's been a positive experience and really made a difference in helping them move forward. Best of luck!

[hers]

I did my 4th step with my sponsor over the course of a year using Al-Anon's 4th step book "Blueprint for Progress." It's broken up into multiple sections, like Love, Money, Shame, Guilt, Honesty, Higher Power, etc. It asks specific questions regarding things of your past, how you feel now, and what you hope for in th future. I felt it was pretty good as an inventory.

 

Some of them I found particularly difficult to complete. If I remember correclty (it's been about 2 years now), I think I felt really angry doing the Anger section (not sure why I was angry during htat one--I came into the program extremely angry at everything anyway and it all sort of just hit me during that section how angry I really was).

 

I've heard people doing the AA columns approach to the 4th step, but I'm not familiar with it. My own sponsor recommended it but I told her I thought I'd do better with the specific questions in th blueprints book.

 

Are you working with a sponsor? That's the only way I recommend doing any of the steps. The important thin gto do is get a sponsor who has completed all 12 steps with their own sponsor. There should be no embarrassment or shame with it. They've all done it in their own program. That's why these programs are so successful.

[t1lersm0m1]

Hi, thanks for your reponses! I've never done a 12-step program before, so I actually had to google how to do the steps. I read somewhere online, not sure where, that writing about each step for a week was a good way to tackle it. I did see some people in my ACA meeting have a 12-step book, so I might look into that.

 

I don't have a sponsor in ACA. Most of them are recovered alcoholics, and have done the steps for AA, but have not done the steps for ACA. So I'm not sure if anyone in my ACA meeting could be my sponsor. I guess that maybe I can call the World Service Organization to see if I can get an ACA sponsor that way.

 

I also started going to OA meetings to combat my emotional/compusive eating/bingeing. So I'm sure I can get a sponsor in that program.

 

I'm also seeing an LCSW, and thought about writing my 4th step out and taking it to one of our sessions and reading it to her.

 

But being that I'm new to the world of 12-step programs, I wanted to hear about others experience with how they felt after the 4th/5th step.

 

Thanks for sharing. If anyone else wants to share or just give me input, feel free.

[hers]

Have you worked your first 3 steps? It's very recommended to complete all with a sponsor who's been through all the steps. That's bc they have the experience strength and hope to offer. Therapists may not have been through that so they can't really offer the sort of guidance that sponsors can. You'll find a sponsor who's been through them. Don't trust your program. It's not necessary. It's a process. If you don't have a sponsor, stop your steps. You're not on a timeline or deadline.

[t1lersm0m1]

I started Step 1 by journaling here for a week. However, I stopped because I knew I wasn't ready. I've been going to my ACA meetings since late May and I was almost trying to "force" my growth, almost to fast-forward it if you know what I mean. That's when I took a step back and have just been trying to let my life unfold naturally, including my growth.

[hers]

Then I definitely don't think you should be worrying about step 4 right now. It took me 4 years in the program to even get to step 4. I was in for 2 before I finally ("finally"--bad word in 12 step haha) hit step one. But there's no right way to go about it and no wrong way. It's personal. You start by finding a sponsor who you can bounce things off of. Ask them questions. Let them give you the run down of their own program. Listen to people share and hear how they work their program. Go to meetings dedicated to the steps. The experience, strength and hope of each person is deeply important and helpful. Work your steps with a sponsor in order and don't rush. Let your sponsor be your guide.

[hers]

Also, to add, a sponsor is important bc you can't fix broken with broken. You need the perspective of another person to give you the peace of mind to help you realize you have completed a step or you're not quite ready for xyz or what have you. You try to do it on your own and you run the risk of doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results (insanity).

[t1lersm0m1]

Thanks. I think part of my problem is I'm 37. I feel like I've wasted so much time being unhappy that I want to force/fast-forward my healing. However, logically, I know that's not possible.

 

I will take your advice as it comes from experience and seems very sound.

 

I feel I've been actively living the first three steps. I definitely know that I am powerless over my issues, and that my life is unmanageable. I lost my faith in "God" in high school, through a series of events. I'm slowly beginning to believe in him again. As far as turning my life over to him/her, I've been doing that lately. When I'm dealing with something difficult, I ask myself if it's something I have control over. If not, then I tell God that I am putting it in his hands and will be happy with whatever outcome he sees fit. I trust life to go on its proper course, and have learned to let go of control.

 

I guess that's why I'm starting to contemplate the fourth/fifth steps.

[hers]

Well once you get a sponsor, you'll probably have to go through the steps again. Mostly to use your sponsor as a sounding board for "walking the walk" instead of talking the talk.

 

I had a drill sergeant sponsor and I needed that. The sponsor before her was a calm, peaceful yoga instructor and she was too lax for me. I got through 3 steps with her, then told her I think I needed someone more instructive and we parted ways but remained friends and I got my drill sergeant one and started the steps over again. It helps you build the relationship and trust this way.

[t1lersm0m1]

Thanks for your amazing insights. I guess I was kinda thinking I could go it without a sponsor, but you've made me see that's really not a good idea.

[hers]

A lot of people try it and then ultimately go at it with a sponsor.

 

Check out the book "how al-anon works". It's like al-anon's big book. It explains all that.

 

Bc you're adult child, you may also want to check out "from survival to recovery". It's another al-anon book that's specific to adult children. It's very helpful.

[t1lersm0m1]

Thank you

 

In the past I've let the fact that I'm an adult child dictate my life and actions (although unknowingly of course). I'm trying to get to a place where that's no longer the case. I've made great strides, but have SOOOO much more work to do.

[hers]

All in due time. The little one liners (slogans) of the program sound trite sometimes but they help so much. One day at a time, progress not perfection, etc. they really help you through the crap you sometimes have to deal with.

 

One of my favorite unofficial ones is "where I am is where I'm supposed to be." I always sai to my one sponsor it depresses me that I found the program so "late" in life--I was 25! He said I found it at my right time. He found the program when he was 35 and that was his right time. Everyone has their own timelines but you can't stay hellbent on it bc "expectations are nothing but resentments waiting to happen. "

 

One thing that helped me at first was taking a small journal to meetings with me and I'd write these little mantras down for me to remember. Like "happiness is a matter of perspective." Stuff like that that I'd hear people say without them even realizing I was adopting it as my unofficial slogan. I found that journal not long ago and it made me smile bc I remembere how I felt when I wrote it down and I know how I feel now. It works if you work it!

 

(For the record, I'm out of al-anon now. Some will call me a "graduate," which is a facetious tongue in cheek term for someone who thinks they don't need the program anymore. I've been out for about a year for personal reasons but still very much try to live an al-anon way of life and try to still hold onto the wonderful things I've learned in the program and use them in my life. And I always know I can walk right back in the doors whenever I'm ready and not be faced with judgment or the "I told you so's".).