nsomnia912 Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 My life to everyone else would be ideal. on the surface I seem happy, I just bought a 1250sqft house on 9k lot, nice back yard. 3 bedroom 1+1/2 bath. my mortgage for it is about 500. I work as a paramedic and make roughly 50k a year I usually work 48-72hr shifts then I am off from anywhere from 4-8 days at a time. I am 33 with no kids and single. I have a small family and live in northern Michigan. the only drama in my life is usually self created and even then its more like mountains out of molehills. Emotionally I am a disaster. I have not had a girlfriend in 3 years. I have not had sex in about a year now. I don't have a big social circle as everyone I know is married and in relationships or have kids and those who are single are just broke and depressed all the time. when I do go out with friends its usually golfing. I don't have any female friends. I am not a social hound and I don't have an easy time making friends. I know I am a very uninviting person. I am so frustrated with people, have little tolerance for others, and its to the point where I have been rejected so much, I want a woman to like me just to tell her to screw off out of spite for the gender. now I am well aware how ridiculous that I. Photography is all I do really, I am always wandering about alone looking for places to take pictures. I have no self esteem, I have to shave my head because I am bald, and not a good looking bald either. I have no muscle tone, thin and loaded with body hair. I curse my genetic pool. I don't look like some tough bald guy, I look like a scared chemo patient. my confidence is non existent, I hate the way I look and have been rejected so many times, the numbers alone could double the width of moby . I am not religious and usually find myself cursing god for the life he gave me, growing up poor, no dad, horrid love life. I mean what am I in existence for? I have been to counselors and therapists, I have taken meds and meds. and herbs. I read and read. I have thought about suicide I don't know how many times, and the only reason that I keeps me from it is that I am terrified of what could be on the other side of things. I at know whats in this reality, but I have seen too many twilight zone episodes in my life to trust anything to chance. being a paramedic is no longer fun. I sit in a building for days, its like prison. and even though every patient adores me because I am always compassionate and fix them. Im so negative I don't get satisfaction in helping them, I don't care. I just want to be happy. that's all I want. all I ever wanted. to enjoy my world.. find a nice girl.. have a family.. I never asked to be alone and miserable.. I was always happy. lots of friends, people loved me and wanted to be around me.. and now no one wants anything to do with me. and after years of rejection from everyone this is what I have become.. a celibate, hateful, spiteful social outcast that is looking for a reason for self defense. Happy friggin Saturday everyone! add: I forgot to mention that my smoking is increasing, I find myself getting high here and there and I drink myself into oblivion any and all days I am not on duty. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sentiententity Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 I dont mean this as an insult- You should seek professional help. A good counsellor and psychiatrist could really help you sort things out. And all that drinking isnt helping. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nsomnia912 Posted September 13, 2014 Author Share Posted September 13, 2014 I am in a limited area, I have been to all the counselors around here, they do nothing but waste time and my money. and the nearest psychiatrist is 2 hours away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SooSad33 Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 Yes, you sound stressed & depressed. I understand... How about changing things? Like your job for one. You're not longer 'into it' by sounds of it, right? You can always look at changing that. Same with other things. Have you considered doing weights to work up your muscle tone/build? No, suicide isn't the answer. If you're feeling that low, consider keeping up with therapy, etc. Life has it's downside, quite often I've come to notice. But I keep going. Get yourself a pet so you're not always so alone? How about something NOT high manintenance, like a cat? or guinea pig? Take a look at local animal shelters, if you like animals. There is always room for change.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sentiententity Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 Aw jeez. I was in group therapy for a while. Sometimes you meet some really compassionate people that way. I have similar issues with loneliness, except i have kids from a previous marriage. But a bunch of anger wont help things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nsomnia912 Posted September 13, 2014 Author Share Posted September 13, 2014 I cant change my job.. I JUST bought a house???? and I cant have pets because I am gone for days. and working out just makes me even more pissed and want to kill someone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bulletproof Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 The drugs and herbs and doctors are not going to work if you are countering them with alcohol. And if you are "drinking yourself into oblivion" maybe the first step is to find an AA meeting. I don't think you can possibly began to tackle your other issues if you are drinking this much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sentiententity Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 May even make some friends at AA. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
t1lersm0m1 Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 Work on your self-esteem. It will change your life. It changed mine. For background, I am morbidly obese, divorced 4 years, have a teenage son, and am currently single. But I am learning to be happy. And I learned to love myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
t1lersm0m1 Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 So people that have a mortgage can't change careers? That's an excuse. So when someone gets a 30 year mortgage, they keep the same job for 30 years? Is that how it works? I cant change my job.. I JUST bought a house???? and I cant have pets because I am gone for days. and working out just makes me even more pissed and want to kill someone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nsomnia912 Posted September 13, 2014 Author Share Posted September 13, 2014 yeah an excuse not to run the risk... look at me, im an emotional mess. I may be bored with my job but my income is good and its stable, unless I do something deliberate to screw it up and get fired I am not going to be fired.. why would I risk that? I maybe an emotional despair but im not stupid enough to risk financial corruption. I quit my job and for one reason or another the next doesn't work out and I am even more miserable or they don't feel like I am working out and let me go.. are you kidding me with that? who quits their job risks financial security and safety net during a personal crisis.. that's the worst advice you can possibly give someone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
t1lersm0m1 Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 When did I say to quit your job? I would never suggest someone who is an adult quit their job before they've found an adequate replacement. You start a thread saying you hate your life, but then when someone provides feedback, you get awfully defensive, to the point of being rude. Don't come to a forum to ask for help if you don't want it. It just screams of wanting a pity party, and I have no intention of feeding into someone's pity party. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nsomnia912 Posted September 13, 2014 Author Share Posted September 13, 2014 you said change careers.. that's changing jobs... and you must get rid of current job to change to another job... your advice sucks, sorry but it sucked. nothing to do with a pity party... just suck advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nsomnia912 Posted September 13, 2014 Author Share Posted September 13, 2014 forget it... this was a complete waste of time. moderator close this thread! nothing of value has come from it. I for one am moving on from it. discuss amongst yourselves.. I didn't come to get crap advice than insulted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
t1lersm0m1 Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 I didn't give advice. When did I say that? I said your reason for not changing jobs is an excuse, which it is. You are full of excuses. You want a pity party? Have at it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
t1lersm0m1 Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 I didn't insult you, I said you were rude, which you were., No wonder you can't change your life, you are very close minded. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bulletproof Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 If you ever come back and read this, then I hope you take the advice to stop drinking. It's a depressant, and you're consuming huge quantities of it. I also hope that somewhere within all that depression and anger, you have a moment of clarity and realize that complete strangers have tried to offer advice to help you, and that's incredible. You don't have to take the advice, but you also don't have to take your anger out on them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 Do you have a question, and how can we help? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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