Smartyface Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 Hey guys, I need some advice. I fell for this guy really hard, for the first week things were great we would talk everyday and meet up the suddenly things turned sour. See this guy is a know player however I fell for the whole "you're different, I would never treat you like the others, I really care about you" well after a while we would meet up on and off he kept telling me he wanted to get serious he was continually hot and cold. Eventually I did a dumb move I believed that if I slept with him he would see what he's missing (I know!) well now he hasn't talked to me since and really I just need advice on how to leave this behind me and move on from this guy. Thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 You don't reform a player. Live and learn. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kitkat620 Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 What you do is literally leave that behind you and move on. Don't beat yourself up over it, but do learn something from it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smartyface Posted September 12, 2014 Author Share Posted September 12, 2014 You don't reform a player. Live and learn. A silly mistake, I guess everything happens for a reason. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smartyface Posted September 12, 2014 Author Share Posted September 12, 2014 What you do is literally leave that behind you and move on. Don't beat yourself up over it, but do learn something from it. Thank you, any advice you can give me on moving on and leaving this whole situation behind me? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 Focus on the future...not the past. No special tricks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pettypink Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 Recently went through something similar - just be glad it didn't go on for longer focus on other activities/hobbies and your friends and stuff. it might help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smartyface Posted September 12, 2014 Author Share Posted September 12, 2014 Recently went through something similar - just be glad it didn't go on for longer focus on other activities/hobbies and your friends and stuff. it might help. It's horrible for anyone but I guess think of it this way, god sent you this person to teach you lesson to not open your heart so readily to just anyone. With time all wounds heal it can only get better for us now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 Try to be thankful you found out as soon as you did and not further down the road. You knew you were taking a risk going into and now you've learned a valuable lesson. It sucks. . I get that and I would be hard myself as well. You aren't the first to fall for this and you won't be the last. It might help to know you are not alone on this one. You'll be fine and there are really no shortcuts for circumventing the discomfort. The more valuable the lesson the more likely it hurts. . . just be kind to yourself and be patient. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smartyface Posted September 13, 2014 Author Share Posted September 13, 2014 Try to be thankful you found out as soon as you did and not further down the road. You knew you were taking a risk going into and now you've learned a valuable lesson. It sucks. . I get that and I would be hard myself as well. You aren't the first to fall for this and you won't be the last. It might help to know you are not alone on this one. You'll be fine and there are really no shortcuts for circumventing the discomfort. The more valuable the lesson the more likely it hurts. . . just be kind to yourself and be patient. Thank you for amazing advice. I'm tough on myself in every aspect on my life but I know this too will pass and I will look back and thank him for this valuable lesson. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gdgfx Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 Hey guys, I need some advice. I fell for this guy really hard, for the first week things were great we would talk everyday and meet up the suddenly things turned sour. See this guy is a know player however I fell for the whole "you're different, I would never treat you like the others, I really care about you" well after a while we would meet up on and off he kept telling me he wanted to get serious he was continually hot and cold. Eventually I did a dumb move I believed that if I slept with him he would see what he's missing (I know!) well now he hasn't talked to me since and really I just need advice on how to leave this behind me and move on from this guy. Thanks Hey Smartyface, I think what you've experienced is really a blessing in disguise because, now you've learnt that you can never trust someone who uses women and goes from one to another. The truth is, these guys are usually the ones afraid of commitment, full of insecurities and anxiety and are worried if they committed, the same would happen to them. See, it's a vicious cycle and once you start using people you inherit that personality and when people realise, they want to use you or not even know you exist. Either way, you have to see that this guy is WORTHLESS. You are a real girl seeked a real guy and you came accross a childish manipulative juvenile boy, I don't care how old he is, if he thinks that being a 'player' makes him a man, he can think again. All he is going to do is end up lonely, hurt and emotionally unstable the more older he gets and that's his problem, don't you worry about him or what he has done, he used you and he had to LIE to you to get to have sex with you, what sort of man has to lie to a woman to have sex? You see the inferior male persona he has? He has to manipulate women, he has to pretend to be someone and spill out a story like a con man in order to get his fix. And it gets me so angry hearing when an innocent woman is affected by a pathetic excuse of a male human like him. You are better than him and you did everything naturally to see the good side of someone and give them a chance, that's natural, we all have caring attributes whether we choose to accept them or not is a different matter, we all want to forgive, sometimes we see the insecurities of others in ourselves and just want to relate, but in this case you did make a mistake. My advice would be to see this as you learning to trust the RIGHT people. That means getting to know a guy, throw the chance of sex straight out of the window! If that means you won't be getting any action for months and months if not years then isn't that worth going through all the right procedures to ensure you aren't seeing some sort of a shadow of a man? And by the way, I can guarantee that weeks if not months into you getting to know this guy - if he's fake or a douchebag, he'll run a mile when he realises he aint get anything from you! And you have to take that as a positive, your just getting through all the dirt to get to the gold at the bottom of the pan, and although the dirt seems to overpopulate the gold, believe me, if you keep going and you keep your head up, keep your mind and soul and body healthy, and do whatever it takes to look after yourself and your wellbeing, you will find gold eventually. Anyway, without sounding like a pre-industrial revolution gold pioneer I digress... You know what you've done wrong. And only you can fix this by making sure it doesn't happen again. And all that means is looking after yourself. Making guys wait for the right time, if that means feeling in control and being the one to decide how things go then fair enough, any man worth your time will respect you for doing that after what you've been through, after all it is just making sure it doesn't happen again and any one person who disagrees with that needs to learn about self-respect. These situations will be few or none-existent if you don't fall for the same tricks. I know you want to believe a guy wants to care for you, wants to be there and hug you and kiss you and all that romantic and loving stuff, but really? So early on? How do you REALLY know for sure? As much as it's a compliment, it could mean anything and it could be a lie. It's not that you should go disbelieving EVERY guy you meet but you should always have your wits about you, whenever you sense a guy trying to take advantage of you, trying to have sex with you, tell him to back off and if he did care for you and wants to get to know you then he will wait. And by then, I'd already be waving goodbye to him because if sex is at the first of his priorities then he isn't worth your time. Just remember, sex? BOTTOM OF THE BOTTOM OF PRIORITIES. The most important priorities? Keep your options open, don't let your natural feelings of wanting to belong, to believe everything you hear and to give someone a chance get the best of you, treat every new guy at face value until you know him, and make that whole process of getting to know him as long as you physically can. Without going off-topic, I relate to my situation... I know a woman, I love this woman, I've been getting to know her for 3 years, I have never slept with her nor do I intend to, not because we aren't sexually compatible, believe me, we've "talked" but.. what's important is... building that REAL connection. Falling in love with someone for all the RIGHT reasons, not for anything else. And then, and only then... will you know when it's right to give yourself to a man. But until then, think about yourself. Learn from this, take the positives where they are due. You are better than this person, you ALWAYS will be, you will succeed far more than he will, chances are he's going to be lonely and grow alone in old age because he will want to keep this player attribute until it's too late, just a little FYI. I have friends like this guy you met, I don't condone what they do and I separate my reality from their 'reality' as often as possible but they have never had a successful relationship and when I see them getting weak, I just think "Ha" to myself, as nasty as it sounds, they deserve it because this is the bad karma from everything bad they do like using women and the end result is, they can't have successful relationships because of the insecurities and traits they acquired all by themselves. Don't put yourself with that crowd, don't let it get to you... he's a pr*ck, he always will be. And he got what he couldn't have any other way apart from pretending to be a nice guy. Fake, immature, juvenile and pathetic. Grow from this, I have every faith you'll be fine and grow from this event Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smartyface Posted September 13, 2014 Author Share Posted September 13, 2014 Amen to that! I'm the type of woman who tries to see past peoples past mistakes and provide them with the love that I believe every human being deserve, but I gotta learn that not everyone has my feelings/emotions in mind. I'm 100% sure that this has to be a blessing in disguise, people warned me so much about him but I know that I would like people to overlook my past mistakes so I overlooked his and believed that it would all work out fine. I hold no anger towards him I have nothing but love and pity for him, I wish him the best in life and hope that he will see the error of his way one day. Your advice was amazing and I'm glad that you took the time to write me such kind, reassuring words! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParisPaulette Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 Well, you have a good cry. Shout at yourself a bit then pick yourself up and realize you've just learned some very valuable lessons here. For instance: a. Don't ignore someone's behavior and known red flags. b. When they swear it will be different with you realize this is a line, a good one, that is in every player's handbook of lines. c. Don't let anyone push you into an insta-relationship. Real relationships, the good ones, take time to build and create--they don't happen like in Hollywood movies where two people are instant soulmates (hate that word) from the start and it's all a bed of roses and skittles. d. Realize if you have to think that maybe if you sleep with someone they will like you more/want a relationship/fall for you then it is a guarantee you are with the wrong guy (or gal) to begin with. And the last thing sex will ever do is make someone do what you want them to in the way of emotions and relationships. (You can use sex to influence others in other ways, but we're not talking about that here.) e. Once a player, always a player. You are not going to change them, because they don't want to change. And they read people well enough to realize if they say things you want to hear you'll fold. So get over the idea and the need of wanting to hear someone say what you want them to. Words are cheap, actions and time are where the real truth about commitments reside. f. We have all been fooled by players/con artists/manipulators. They are good at what they do, which is selling one dream or another. So don't beat yourself up, just learn from it. g. And I cannot stress this one enough--pay attention to how your dream guy/gal treats other people. If you've ever seen them treat someone else badly/use them/break their hearts/mistreat them then they will do it to you too. No exceptions ever to that rule. These are all my lessons learned from tangling with players and thinking I would be the exception to the rule. And now you've learned the same thing, so in a way this guy did you a favor although I know it doesn't feel like it now. He showed you what you don't want in the way of someone to have a relationship with. Now go do something with your friends or that cheers you up and if he ever calls you or tries to get a hold of you again delete, block, slam the door in his face, the phone in his ear. Because he's just coming back to use you again since he thinks he can. It's up to you stand up for yourself against people like that who will use you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freewill1234 Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 "you're different ..." When a woman says that to me I just want to puke. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 What need do you think he filled for you? Or what was the attraction? When he told you that you are different and he would be different for you, what went through your mind and emotionally for you? I think if you were drawn to someone who was known and advertised himself as a player (the telling you that things are different because it is you, billboard there) - it would be good for you to figure out why that was appealing to you in the first place. If it was an ego thing, just be honest with yourself about that. If it was a sex thing, just be honest with yourself about that. Etc. And then set about changing how you meet that need that drove that attraction. This was you trying to meet it in an unhealthy way, but there are different ways that are healthy that you can funnel whatever it is into. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gdgfx Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 Amen to that! I'm the type of woman who tries to see past peoples past mistakes and provide them with the love that I believe every human being deserve, but I gotta learn that not everyone has my feelings/emotions in mind. I'm 100% sure that this has to be a blessing in disguise, people warned me so much about him but I know that I would like people to overlook my past mistakes so I overlooked his and believed that it would all work out fine. I hold no anger towards him I have nothing but love and pity for him, I wish him the best in life and hope that he will see the error of his way one day. Your advice was amazing and I'm glad that you took the time to write me such kind, reassuring words! I'm so happy I could help And yeah, you are right, even though it shouldn't be like that - you are ALWAYS going to find the people that make you regret being a nice person. You are always going to find the bad people whether you like it or not, they exist and they are always within walking distance. The way you have to overcome this is to remain yourself, remain the person you WANT TO BE and want others to see you as. Yeah, you can get hurt by people, and those people might regret being the person you are but the minute you change for someone else, especially when you are changing because of relationships/dating/sex is the minute you lose the person you are. I know quite a few women that now don't take any hostages when it comes to guys, but are they happy? No. Do they think they will find a good man? No. Do they hide their inner self and create a fake persona to protect themselves? Yes. Does it work? Well you ask them, a few relationships that turn out to be disasters and they've all but given up, the only things you have to keep them happy are the fact they are now mothers, single lone mothers at that, at night they want to be sleeping next a man but they shut off and they shut off because they believe they should. Whether this relates to you is not the point, what you should be taking from this situation is the experience. And as horrible as it sounds that you had to go through it to now know how to prevent it, it's the truth. And no matter what happens, if you remain yourself and I don't doubt that your an incredible inspirational woman just looking for the right guy, just you remain cool, be yourself and just think more in the future. Make the right decisions by thinking about yourself and not the guy, especially so early on in a potential relationship. it would be great to fall head over heels for an amazing guy, but the truth is, that will happen when it happens and when it does happen you might not even realise until you sit back one day after getting to know a guy for maybe 2 or 3 years and you'll think, you know what? I think this guy is for me. Until then, just have your wits about you, don't become a person based on how you've been treated, be the person you wanted to be treated as. If we were all people based on how we were treated then we'd all be very different people. Of course, we are based substantially on our experiences, experiences help to mould us into the people we are but they make us that person. An experience is an experience. Time heals many things and we should never become a victim of a bad past. The world is your oyster, you are allowed to be strong, you are allowed to be a forgiving beautiful woman but just because you are, doesn't mean you have to go through what you've gone through and to be taken advantage of and to make sure it doesn't happen again, just be yourself, have fun, spend time with your friends and family, do what you do best and don't be so easily made a fool out of. Accept compliments by all means, enjoy the attention but don't fall for charm, fall for the depth of a person and you'll only fall for someone after you've spent a long time getting to know them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smartyface Posted September 13, 2014 Author Share Posted September 13, 2014 When a woman says that to me I just want to puke. It's so cliche but sometimes it works Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kitkat620 Posted September 15, 2014 Share Posted September 15, 2014 Thank you, any advice you can give me on moving on and leaving this whole situation behind me? In time you will feel less humiliated and more accepting of the fact that you've made a mistake but it's not the end of the world. Believe me, you will get past this. The advise given here will help, such as: spending time with family/friends, work out, practice yoga, read, take long walks, do things you know you are good at and be proud. Bottom line, don't dwell on this slip up. It doesn't define who you are, but it has definitely helped you realize who you don't want to become. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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