JA0371 Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 Ok......I am embarrassed to be posting this..because I know it's one of the biggest no no's of no contact. We are not friends on FB, or any other social network. He's blocked on m phone, but I keep having this stupid compulsion to check his FB page. Yep......I've become THAT person. I even remember laughing at othere's who did this exact same thing. My ex doesn't know I check his page. I'd be mortified if he knew how often I've done it. This seems to be the only issue I have with cutting it off completely. Maybe I need to just see how he's doing? Ugh..... Guess I should do a No FB challenge...hahaha! If anyone else is struggling with this....post here! Going to block his page today.....hope this helps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starshine Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 What I'd do is think of the fact he's happy, living comfortably blocking you out. Why would you need someone like that. Whenever you feel compelled to check his FB page just think of this??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Live-N-Learn Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 There is not much advice I can give. You already know it's damaging your emotional well being and stalling your healing. I too struggled with this for awhile. I had to come to the point that the pain, shame and lack of self respect was not worth it. I had to be strong and love myself enough to do what was best for me. That is when I blocked her and deactivated my fb. I have not been on FB in almost 3 years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Allipie Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 I did that up until recently. I actually permanently deleted my facebook, not just because of him but because i realized how completely ridiculous it is. I used to check multiple times a day. I look back now and laugh at myself...and the obsession i had. Its so hard to stop though, when youre in that mindset. We want to know what theyre doing, if theyre suffering, happy, whatever. All it does is stop us from moving on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JA0371 Posted September 12, 2014 Author Share Posted September 12, 2014 Yeah.....I know it's only hurting me. Im going to probably just deactivate my account for a while as well. Probably today. I go on vacation in about 5 weeks. Maybe I'll reactivate it when I get back. Hopefully it will help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JA0371 Posted September 12, 2014 Author Share Posted September 12, 2014 Ok I deactivated my FB page. Think Im going to have a friend change my password somI can't log back on...until Im back from vacation. This way I have no choice but to not go on. problem solved Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 You could have just blocked him therefore you would not be able to see his page if you searched. I know because I do the same thing. . Crazy making!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clinton Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 Come over to the dark side Luke, check the FB page. You know you want to. What harm can it do Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JA0371 Posted September 12, 2014 Author Share Posted September 12, 2014 Come over to the dark side Luke, check the FB page. You know you want to. What harm can it do Lmao!!! That's just wrong. Just had a friend change my password, so Im officially locked out. Feels good actually Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JA0371 Posted September 12, 2014 Author Share Posted September 12, 2014 You could have just blocked him therefore you would not be able to see his page if you searched. I know because I do the same thing. . Crazy making!! Haha Ive tried this. It's too easy to unblock him. That's the problem!! Lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 go it ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fame1977 Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 Yeah. I have done this as well. It is really bad because I would check the "see friendship" button and that brings up all the memories we posted on each other's FB wall. She recently unfriended me, and I asked her permission to add myself back, but she hasn't done it. She said it was fine. But then she said she forgot when I asked again and I sent the request again because I had forgotten about it as well. FB is evil sometimes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JA0371 Posted September 12, 2014 Author Share Posted September 12, 2014 Yes.....evil indeed. Ignorance truly is bliss sometimes!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nfperception Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 Yeah, don't do it. Learn from my post on here recently. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gdgfx Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 Hey JA0371, it's simply just another way for you to show your affection. Because you've been cut off, clearly you feel like it's in your best interests to check him out, make sure he is okay, that he's happy but in another way it could be a form of jealousy and anxiety. The fact that having a break requires SO MUCH trust, more trust for the longer you spend away from each other and break-ups, we all know they can instantly destroy a sense of belonging to this person you love/loved, maybe deep down you don't trust him or have insecurities so this is your way of making sure he's not saying anything that suggests it's over or that he's actively pursuing other women or whatever other reason. Perhaps this is you becoming a little obsessive because you fear rejection in the form of him moving on and being with another woman. To be honest, and I think you know what you have to do, you are best not doing that simply because it's only going to make you feel worse not better, you have to be taking this time to heal and sometimes in life it's easier to surcomb to temptations. We all know not to smoke because it kills us, drinking too much causes the same effect in different ways, illegal drugs can f*ck you up, speeding can kill you and others but we all want to stray from time to time because it seems easier to take the lighthearted approach and believe it's okay, it's just once and it won't happen again but it does happen again and you get into a pattern where you know you are doing wrong but you can't help but keep doing it. That's where you need to find strength from inside yourself and think "This is over, its time to move on. I shouldn't be thinking about him and whatever he gets upto, we drew that responsibility and mutual interest when we ended it." and it's true, it's not for you to decide who he chooses next or whether he's dating or whatever he's doing, yeah it might hurt but that's life. You can't open your mind to these temptations because it's not healthy, to delve into something we know isn't healthy for us is just another way to acquire weakness and you should be acquiring strength, willpower, self respect and acceptance in these times. The positives from this is you can get him to block you, then he won't appear in the search tool when you search for him, but the truth is, and you probably know this, he's off limits to your profile and not anyone else's that he hasn't blocked so what's stopping you going one step further and creating another account? If this is the downward spiral I imagine it to be then it's likely that the more you seek out this pleasure of feeling closer to this guy, the more you will become weaker and need to see more and truth be told, this isn't you getting over him, this is you stuck on him and not being able to let go. See it like this, it's privacy invasion, whether he knows it or not. If there wasn't Facebook how else would you be checking up on him? You are practically standing there hiding behind a bush in his garden looking into his personal life whilst he doesn't know. Difference is, it's a digital version of that. You are, almost... stalking this man. So is it lust, obsession, love? Only you know that, and you really need to come to terms with that and see it like the example I said because it is in many ways, a little disturbing that you go out of your way to check his profile when now, you have no reason too. He doesn't have to answer to you, he doesn't have to be loyal to you, the relationship ended and so did the qualities like exclusivity that came with it. If you want him to be happy, then let him be happy. And in time, you and him both will heal from this and get on with your own lives. But you won't do if you keep doing this, because the only person trapped in the past, will be you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 I read something once that made sense. The checking and looking at old pictures keeps us attached even at a visceral or subconscious level. The emotions run through you each time. If your (my) goal is to really move on and feel better, exposing yourself to these very things are the very things that keeps us stuck. the better you are at limited exposure the sooner it passes. . . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JA0371 Posted September 12, 2014 Author Share Posted September 12, 2014 Thank you for this thoughtful response. You are exactly right......what I...and many other exes are doing is no different than standing outside their window and looking inside in the dark. The thing is.....and Im not sure why, but my ex hasn't blocked me on FB...even though I said some pretty mean and spiteful things to him in a FB private message. He could at that time blocked me, but he hasn't. It just makes me wonder if in some twisted way, he WANTS me to have access to him. I decided if he can't make this hard decision, then Im going to have to. For ME. Not for him. Thank you again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gdgfx Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 I read something once that made sense. The checking and looking at old pictures keeps us attached even at a visceral or subconscious level. The emotions run through you each time. If your (my) goal is to really move on and feel better, exposing yourself to these very things are the very things that keeps us stuck. the better you are at limited exposure the sooner it passes. . . I agree with all of what you said. It also works for breaks as well as break-ups. I use break because a break to me is a period time you don't spend with said person whereas a break-up to me is the ending of a relationship. The concept you spoke about works well with breaks because a break being a definitive amount of time before you come back to one another, can induce the want to see each other again, to make a relationship successful and to see all your flaws and work on them and to become a better person. It's a great way for inexperienced people to learn how relationships work but in this sense, breaking up but still attempting to maintain contact albeit it superficial is just as unhealthy if not more so than trying to maintain contact once a relationship has ended. Like you said, exposing yourself to the aspects of life that can make us weak-minded keeps us stuck in our ways at the same time. Great observation Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 Thank you for this thoughtful response. You are exactly right......what I...and many other exes are doing is no different than standing outside their window and looking inside in the dark. The thing is.....and Im not sure why, but my ex hasn't blocked me on FB...even though I said some pretty mean and spiteful things to him in a FB private message. He could at that time blocked me, but he hasn't. It just makes me wonder if in some twisted way, he WANTS me to have access to him. I decided if he can't make this hard decision, then Im going to have to. For ME. Not for him. Thank you again. Try not to overthink this one. Men I know that use FB aren't as savy about it. . or should I say as preoccupied by it as much as us women are. Maybe he doesn't even know he can block you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gdgfx Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 Thank you for this thoughtful response. You are exactly right......what I...and many other exes are doing is no different than standing outside their window and looking inside in the dark. The thing is.....and Im not sure why, but my ex hasn't blocked me on FB...even though I said some pretty mean and spiteful things to him in a FB private message. He could at that time blocked me, but he hasn't. It just makes me wonder if in some twisted way, he WANTS me to have access to him. I decided if he can't make this hard decision, then Im going to have to. For ME. Not for him. Thank you again. Perhaps he hasn't blocked you because he doesn't need to block you to move on from you? Or perhaps in reality, he's doing the exact same thing you are doing and keeping the door open so he can check up on you and without him knowing, you are doing the same thing to him. It's a vicious circle, and it just screams insecurity and weakness. And you are ALLOWED to be strong and love someone yet be strong enough to let them go. To coin a saying I've heard many times; "If you love someone that much, you love them enough to let them go" and it's true, and I've experienced a similar situation in relation to that saying I've just mentioned. I'm actually in between a 12 month break with the woman I love so much. But to cut straight to the chase without me spending hours explaining everything, I didn't trust her enough to let her go and therefore technically, I didn't love her as much as I thought I did because I couldn't let her be free and at one with herself, like she had a duty to be with me and she didn't need time on her own regardless of a mutual break or not, that was my logic. And so, I'd do the same thing as you are doing, I'd check her social network profiles, I'd do ANYTHING to try and claw her back and I'd actually message her on Facebook just trying to stay in contact, trying to relieve my anxiety by practically, relieving it onto her, by trying to sooth my OWN insecurities by throwing this act of irresponsibility and insecurity onto her and the end result is I was actually just trying to evade my own weaknesses and my own fears, and that's something NO-ONE else can fix but YOURSELF. I would message her, and bless her, she would always message me back but did she want to? No. We are on a break. And she told me what I already knew, that I had to trust her and that if this was to work I had to do exactly as was agreed. And so, sometimes in life you have to love someone enough to let them go, and be free. And if they love you as much as you love them, they will come back. This situation is different, you have to take the positives from the situation, assess the reasons why you left each other, I mean come on, there must be genuine reasons as to why you ended it with him that go beyond skin-deep disagreements. And learn from it, this is a learning curve and as much as you don't want to accept it right now, you WILL find someone else and if you take your time, don't rush and drop your weaknesses and try and fix them, drop your insecurities and try and focus on your strengths as a person, an asset that a man wants, you WILL be happy. I can assure you. Just right now, it seems easier to go running back to the most recent stable moment in your life, relive memories and try and chase them but the truth is, if this relationship has REALLY ended, those memories are exactly that, and as much as you'll keep them forever, that's all they are. And you have to be strong, and not delve into the darkness of temptations because the only thing you will become is weak, weak-minded and soft. And if you want to spend this time now you are single, you should want to spend it becoming stronger, wiser and fix the mistakes you made and learn from the mistakes he (your ex) made and take your new found knowledge and mentality into your next relationship. Just have faith in yourself, be the one to say NO. Shut the door. It's healthy sometimes to do that. To be in control and know when to be the one to take control, now is your time. And if you block him, you prevent him from contacting you or checking your profile out, not only that but it puts a level of self-worth and trust within yourself to NOT unblock him and if you don't unblock him, you'll only just grow stronger and perfect a healthy mentality that you can cherish. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JA0371 Posted September 12, 2014 Author Share Posted September 12, 2014 I failed to mention this....at one point I actually told him to please block me. He didn't. Hence why I said what I did. But who knows?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flyer79 Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 I was doing this too. I can't deactivate my account as I have a business page and a group I am involved with. I started off by removing the FB app from my phone, so I wasn't checking in/obsessing on that when ever I could. Made me feel so much better removing the app for a start. So then I can only check FB once a day or so on the computer. He isn't a very interactive FB user anyway so there wasn't much to see. But a while back I noticed he had removed his tags from all of the photos and status' from when we were together, yep that hurt. I had to comment on a status that he was tagged in recently through a mutual friend. The status wasn't about him directly it was in regards to a project and I knew some information regarding that. Anyway I hope you are feeling better now you are now officially locked out of FB! I hope it all goes well for you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 I don't have to tell you how bad it is to be checking your X's FB page all the time. It really hurts when they have pictures of their new GF on their page all happy and smiling. I am SOOO happy to hear you found a solution. Its just really a bad habit. I actually feel safer knowing I have my X blocked because I can view anything I want and I will never see his page again! NEVER ever will I unblock his page again. YIKES. I almost Hate FB too. Thought about getting rid of it many times, but I like keeping up with my family and kids. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 I admit to peeking at my ex's. We are not `friended' so I am limited to his profile picture. I do however check his friend count. Holding at 53. The day it hits 54 I may come undone. . For all I know it could be his niece or something . . silly me but it's an honest moment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flyer79 Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 I don't have to tell you how bad it is to be checking your X's FB page all the time. It really hurts when they have pictures of their new GF on their page all happy and smiling. I am SOOO happy to hear you found a solution. Its just really a bad habit. I actually feel safer knowing I have my X blocked because I can view anything I want and I will never see his page again! NEVER ever will I unblock his page again. YIKES. I almost Hate FB too. Thought about getting rid of it many times, but I like keeping up with my family and kids. I agree, I hate FB and any social media in regards to exes and past relationships.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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