PDXtransplant Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 So my boyfriend and I have been dating almost a year now, we live together and talk about marriage and our future all the time. I would answer any question he asked because I trust him and love him and want him to know all he wants about me. Which threw me off yesterday when I ask him how many girls he had dated between his ex-wife and me, he refused to answer. I have never pressed him to tell me how many people he's slept with or anything like that, yet he can't give me this simple answer? I've told him about my previous relationship, although it's just one person, he still knows about my past. Tonight I told him I wouldn't bring it up again but I needed to tell him how it made me feel that he wasn't answering me this, as I see it, simple question. He listened and then started eating dinner without a single word or glance in my direction. I did what I needed to do and got up and went to the bedroom to try and compose myself from his reaction, which hurt. He then took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep on the couch. Please tell me, am I wrong to ask this? Isn't it something most people know about a significant other? Am I overreacting or his he? I'd love to here a few opinions on this. I'm trying to get over it but it's eating away at me, as to why he won't share this info with me. Does he not trust me?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nol703 Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 Maybe its just me but does it matter how many he's been with. All that should matter is that he's with you now. Maybe afraid of being judged if he answers it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lerenard Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 I agree that it doesn't matter. The fact that you told him something about you doesn't mean he now MUST tell you the same thing about himself. This is HIS past and if he decided that this is not something he wants to share - respect it. Why it matters anyway? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blueidealist24 Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 Maybe there weren't any in between and he's embarrassed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpottiOtti Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 His reaction seems a bit extreme to me. Of course it's his right to keep his past to himself, but if you are living together and talking marriage, he should at least be able to communicate to you why he doesn't want to discuss the matter. What I'd do: give him a night and a day to cool down or whatever, then tell him that for you, the whole freezing you out thing is not an acceptable way to resolve issues. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 I don't think it's something that most people want to know about their significant other. They may be curious, as we all have curiosity, but if my SO doesn't want to share that information the first time I ask (which I wouldn't, but if the conversation leads to it), I will just let it go. Does it really matter how many women he's dated in the past? It could be for a variety of reasons that he doesn't want to tell you, I think you need to let this go. Unless you suspect he's hiding something significant, like say he got married or engage or something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hurtinheart Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 You are already on his case for keeping his mouth shut, who knows what horrors await him when he opens it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shes2smart Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 I don't understand why you feel you need to know that piece of information. What would it change if he said 2? What if he said 200? I don't know how many women my husband was involved with before me. I know there's an ex-wife, but mostly because she's been a pain in my financial backside since I've been involved with him....and I wish I didn't know as much as I do about her. She doesn't always like to pay her bills and her creditors seem to have no problem finding us, so I've had to keep tabs on her to keep her creditors from bugging me. But that's irrelevant to your situation. Him not telling you has nothing to do with him trusting/not trusting you (although it might have something to do with you looking for reasons to not trust him). It has to do with where his boundaries for privacy are. You are not respecting those boundaries. There's plenty of things about my past and even my present I do not care to share with my husband....and there's plenty of things about his past and present that I don't need to know, either. Just because you are a couple doesn't mean you're entitled to full access. Some people are more private than others, and it's not necessarily because they're hiding something terrible or hiding anything at all. There are simply some things that some people prefer to keep to themselves and/or they believe they're entitled to have a part of themselves that is for themselves only. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
needhelp6 Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 I don't understand why you feel you need to know that piece of information. What would it change if he said 2? What if he said 200? I tend to agree. Why is it so important to know this otherwise non-actionable information? What would you do with it? While I don't agree with him ignoring you, he should at least tell you why that's a useless topic to discuss, I do see where he's coming from. In my mind I'm thinking there's a potential progression here: 1) How many women did you date? 2) How many of these women were you serious with? 3) How many of these women did you think you were in love with? 4) Were any of them prettier than I am? 5) How many of these women did you sleep with? Then your mind starts working overtime much like it is now. In my opinion no good can come out of this question and he's damned if he doesn't answer and damned if he does. He's choosing the lesser of the damned. My .02 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 Which threw me off yesterday when I ask him how many girls he had dated between his ex-wife and me, he refused to answer. I have never pressed him to tell me how many people he's slept with or anything like that, yet he can't give me this simple answer? I'd have a really hard time answering something like this because do you mean any kind of dating - like one date from online, or a speed dating event? I don't know how many guys I have dated, I really don't, so I don't see the point in answering. And yes, like S2S asked, will his answer change how you feel about him? If the answer is 0 or 200? I mean, what's the point? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mari Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 .... Am I overreacting or his he? I'd love to here a few opinions on this. I'm trying to get over it but it's eating away at me, as to why he won't share this info with me. Does he not trust me?? It's either really high or close to zero. Him withholding information isn't about not trusting you, it's probably worry that revealing it to you would mean he would lose this relationship. Let's say he said it was 70. That he hooked up with a new girl regularly. There's a good chance the conversation would then go to you asking who. If he then tells you that he's still connected to those 70 through some kind of media then you may ask him to remove them? Whereas if he keeps his mouth shut then all he has to do is sleep on the sofa right? On the other hand if it's close to zero then your next question is going to be if he tried. He might say yes he did and everyone he tried with the relationship failed. You might ask yourself why you're with him when no one else ever wanted to. Maybe you can do better and you're not. And his cost to avoid that is to sleep on the sofa right? Either way, looks like he's going to invest in a very comfortable sofa. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParisPaulette Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 Perhaps change tactics and ask him what it is he fears if he tells you? It sounds to me like he's said it before to someone and they flipped out on him. And that reaction happens a surprising amount if this forum is any indication, people have even broken up over it before. He sounds scared to tell you honestly and is retreating. You need to work on that aspect of your relationship, not how many people he ever dated or slept with beforehand, or it's potentially going to be a problem every time you have to broach a topic he's afraid of and/or doesn't want to talk about. And that's gets really old really fast if you have to live wth someone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 Perhaps change tactics and ask him what it is he fears if he tells you? It sounds to me like he's said it before to someone and they flipped out on him. And that reaction happens a surprising amount if this forum is any indication, people have even broken up over it before. He sounds scared to tell you honestly and is retreating. You need to work on that aspect of your relationship, not how many people he ever dated or slept with beforehand, or it's potentially going to be a problem every time you have to broach a topic he's afraid of and/or doesn't want to talk about. And that's gets really old really fast if you have to live wth someone. That's a really good suggestion. Maybe ask him why he doesn't feel comfortable talking about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regular joe Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 Because he is smart. Nothing good will come from it and down the road it will come back to bite him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 I think it's irrelevant and I also think he might have done some dating while still married/separated so he is uncomfortable with the question. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
East4 Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 Whatever the number is, either too low, or too high, fact is your BF feels uncomfortable to divulge the info, if you ask directly. You put him on the spotlight and he shys away from talking. I know a trick (read it in the 'Men are from Mars, women are from Venus' book) that works miracles with my BF, so it may work with yous too. It is this: if you want a man to share with you, but for some reason he doesn't open up, then YOU start sharing with him YOUR experience on the subject and sparkle his interest, so he would like to keep the convo going by chiming in his own bit. Attention, since dating other people is a sensitive topic, you have to ALWAYS emphasize how these other people can't compare to him, you have to reassure him he's the best to you. For example in your case, you may say "oh, i went on a few dates with this guy, you know a good guy, but oh God, so boring, not as funny as you! I once told him jokingly 'let's go to a strip club, i'm curious' and he freaked out and never called me back,lol! Shall we go to a strip club honey, do you know a classy one, and you be a good boy ?" I bet my left foot toe you will learn a lot about your BF if he organically gives an input as part of convo YOU started to share things about. He may say, ' yeah i know this club, i went there (this and that time), it's good'. Trick is he shouldn't feel threatened. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 I ask him how many girls he had dated between his ex-wife and me, he refused to answer. I have never pressed him to tell me how many people he's slept with or anything like that, yet he can't give me this simple answer? I can't help but think if you were to ask a man how many 'how many women did you date', there would be an assumption of how many women they had sex with. He probably doesn't want to have this conversation. The need to know or share is up to the individuals. Personally, if he was good to me and there was a high level of trust I wouldn't want to know. And by me not having this discussion is a indication of my trust in him. Pretty sure he's hearing you ask how many women he's slept with. . even if you say that wasn't your intention. Turning the tables, if I volunteered my history to my partner it would be different then them asking and needing to know. And then the need to know turns into an argument. At that moment the conversation feels like walking on landmines. I probably wouldn't answer either. Just sayin' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
misssmithviii Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 I don't think it's necessarily the fact that the answer will bother the OP, I think it's the fact that he MADE it a big deal by becoming overly defensive and shut out. I mean sleeping on the couch after the OP asked a simple question? My bf was open enough to tell me about a girl he slept with shortly before he and I met because she texted him while we were at dinner. She kept texting until he had to say that he was seeing someone now and that they shouldn't keep talking - but the point is he even got into detail, laughing about how when they had sex she was expressionless and how he even stopped to say "ummm are you enjoying this?" Haha We laughed it over and while everyone has their own level of comfort with details of the past, asking a number out of sheer curiosity is simply satiated by the number. Perhaps the guy had a real bad experience and doesn't want to discuss it, but communicating that is imperative. Otherwise, most people would think there's something to hide. People lie or withhold information when they don't feel comfortable to be open. Either that's the OP's fault or his - either way, I believe the bf is making a bigger deal of this than the OP. I would be concerned. And it would probably bother me to the point where I'd need to discuss it again. ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clinton Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 Maybe he was with another guy. Maybe he was a sex addict for a while. Maybe he frequented hookers. Be careful what you wish for. No matter how sure you are it won't affect your opinion of him it may. It sometimes a little dangerous to play these games. Regardless, how do you know you'd get the truth anyway. Most people aren't totally honest about past relationships Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
needhelp6 Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 Perhaps change tactics and ask him what it is he fears if he tells you? It sounds to me like he's said it before to someone and they flipped out on him. And that reaction happens a surprising amount if this forum is any indication, people have even broken up over it before. Putting myself in his shoes and I think most guys would agree, this won't help. I'd want to hear why you want to know. What is so important about this piece of information. If she had a compelling reason other than, "I'm curious" I might change my viewpoint on answering the question. Problem is, as far as I can think, this is useless information that only has downside for both parties and that's why he's avoiding it. Do I think he's handling it correctly, no, but then we're only hearing one side of the conversation too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PDXtransplant Posted September 13, 2014 Author Share Posted September 13, 2014 Honestly, when we started dating he asked me how many people I dated and slept with. I told him and when I asked how many people he had slept with he said he didn't want to say... I understand not wanting to divulge the number of people he has slept with and honestly at this point I don't want to know. I know he has not slept with all the girls he has dated. Its just annoying to hear a story about some girl he dated and I'm asking "Is this that girl in that story?' and get "no." He told me of 3 serious relationships(more than a year). I know of one other girl he dated for a few weeks and tid bits about others. I'm a curious person, I just want to know. I'm not some catty girl who wants names or any further info to use against him or those girls. Just the #. I'm trying to get over it because general consensus says not my business. Its just irritating because I feel he made it a bit one-sided. Let me share and deny me any info. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 Well, that's not fair if he asked you but won't tell you!! Maybe he feels insecure because his number is smaller than yours? (Or much larger??) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PDXtransplant Posted September 13, 2014 Author Share Posted September 13, 2014 It would have to be much larger. I was in the same relationship for the 9 years just before I met him. My numbers before him were 1. I see where that could make him afraid to tell me but to ask and not answer just doesn't seem fair. Him not telling me makes my mind assume huge numbers though haha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wondering731 Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 Maybe he needs time to answer the question in which he doesn't feel he is offending you. When I dated someone for a while and she asked, I wasn't ready the first time but came back and let her know a short time later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
journeynow Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 The thing is, was your question a simple question or a loaded question? You may see it one way and he sees it another. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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